SCP-4000

Summary:

scp4000 is a pen that breings any drawing to life, object class euclid, site ##

SCP-4000

Gibushunter57 17 May 2017 22:39

me and my friend decided to make a new scp, this is my first scp so i don't have that much experiance but some feedback would be helpful. scp4000 is a pen that breings any drawing to life, object class euclid, site ##

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Item #: SCP-4000

Object Class:Keter
Special Containment Procedures: [SCP-4000 is to be kept inside a 7 by 7 foot room, only personnel higher than level 4 are allowed to enter the room but just for 5 minutes for many reasons. If SCP-4000 is removed from its room the whole facility will go in a lockdown until SCP-4000 is found. If any personnel is found with SCP-4000 outside of its room they will be severely punished]

Description: SCP-4000 takes form as a black pen from an unknown source, the pen was found in an abandoned building in 1982. During the search, police have a found 5 humanoid creatures roaming around the building, these figures seems to be made up of ######## and if touched is corrosive to humans or in any case any living organism. After looking through the entire building they were able to find a black pen, when they left the building the humanoid creatures were never found again. This pen was used to create these creatures. After 3 years, the SCP foundation took the pen for future testing. The user of the pen could bring any pictures to life. For example if you draw a bottle of water, the picture will take a certain time to appear in reality (5 to 10 minutes depending what the picture is). This SCP class is Euclid only for the reason of two things. Any of the past users or anyone near the pen will begin to hear voices calling for them to pick up the pen, the second reason is that when the user has the pen for more than 5 minutes the hand of which the pen is on will slowly make the user skin turn black, once the user is covered in black they will soon lose vital signs 5 to 10 minutes later they soon appear to come to life but in a different form. The victims of SCP-4000 are now known as SCP-4000-1. SCP-4000-1 will start to walk aimlessly until they encounter another living organism, when this happens SCP-4000-1 will start to attack them until the organism dies or is covered the the black liquid, if the organism is covered in this liquid the same thing happens with them they die then come back to life.

No full drafts in the forums, please. Make a sandbox page, put your draft there, and link it from the thread. Also, I moved your thread description to the first post and trimmed it above, OP, since it was taking up a lot of space on the forum listing. Try to keep thread descriptions under 7 lines so you don't visually crowd out other people's threads. ~Zyn

Last edited on 17 May 2017 22:43 by Zyn Show more

Admin Post - Open

Zyn 17 May 2017 22:48

Moved to Drafts and Critiques, as this is not a mainlist article and it's stated in announcements to not post sandbox drafts in that forum.

OP… what grade are you and your friend in? You have a lot of mistakes in this draft. From the first couple sentences alone:

[SCP-4000 is to be kept inside a 7 by 7 foot room, only personnel higher than level 4 are allowed to enter the room but just for 5 minutes for many reasons. If SCP-4000 is removed from its room the whole facility will go in a lockdown until SCP-4000 is found. If any personnel is found with SCP-4000 outside of its room they will be severely punished]

• Scientists use metric. You want meters, not feet.
• Why that measurement specifically? Will containment breaches occur if the room isn't exactly that size?
• Level-5 personnel are generally the ones who aren't supposed to be interacting with any SCP objects, especially the Keters.
• What are the "many reasons", and why only five minutes as opposed to six?
• Why does the entire facility need to be locked down? If it's such an issue, why not put it somewhere that isn't a facility with other tasks to deal with?
• What is meant by "severely punished", and why? It's expensive and time-consuming to replace trained professional personnel. Also, if there's such a huge issue over this thing staying in its room, why not put some more locks on the door or something? Or put it in a secure locker in a high-security wing? The containment doesn't make sense.

The idea itself is reminiscent of the Reality Pen from Keroro Gunsou, the magic crayon from a kids' show my brother watched years ago, and the anomalous chalk creatures article we've already got on the site. The writing is very unprofessional and this will not last on the site if you tried posting it.

Re: Admin Post - Open

notty114 11 May 2018 16:33

You Dont have to be rude by using the What grade your in Insult But I do agree that it is not in the right area (srry if i sound rude Since I just stand by the facts)

Re: Admin Post - Open

Asianoodles 11 May 2018 22:49

I don't think the grade thing was an insult but a genuine question. Remember the mods on this site want the best for it, and while critique may seem a bit harsh it is more often than not meant to improve your article.

Re: Admin Post - Open

TechSorcerer2747 12 May 2018 00:52

Dropping in to note that Zyn often asks new posters what grade they're in, not as an insult but as a way to gauge their level of education. Many of the guides say that anyone submitting to an article will be held to a post-graduate level of writing, which I agree this does not meet. Aside from the problems Zyn mentioned, the item is contained in a two-dimensional space, you use hashtags instead of blackboxes, the Object Class changes from Keter to Euclid later in the article, and the description is a difficult-to-read wall of text. Additionally, phrases like "for example if you drew a bottle of water" and "the same thing happens with them they die then come back to life" don't match the professional tone users expect from the site. This would take a lot of work to survive on the mainlist.

Re: Admin Post - Open

Zyn 12 May 2018 05:43

You Dont have to be rude by using the What grade your in Insult

I ask because we expect people here to write at the level of at least a college student. If someone doesn't write at that level, I ask where they're at academically so I can get an idea of what they'll need to study up on to meet (the very high) site standards.

I can recommend some general resources here:
http://www.aje.com/en/arc/editing-tip-maintaining-formal-tone-scientific-writing/
http://academicguides.waldenu.edu/writingcenter/scholarlyvoice/tone
https://healthcare.utah.edu/brand-and-style-guide/writing-guide.php

If you don't want people to ask you what grade level you're in, you'll need to write well enough so that it won't be a question that comes up.