Credits to Westydude for helping me with the dialogue (I'm not the best at it.)
Love and light to all.
SCP-2681 / Discussion
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This is the discussion related to the wiki page SCP-2681.
I have the feeling I've seen this somewhere before, but I upvoted primarily because of this:
and some birds smashed through my window, and trying to shove their worms down my throat.
i'm dying
If this gets downvoted to three stories below the netherworld, my advice to you would be to flesh out the concept a little more, maybe add something extra and original. I didn't notice any overt tone issues, and you're a great writer, so that's probably the main thing you should have a look at.
This feels like the Series 3 version of Vermin God and I love it a lot.
I'm also glad you took all the advice you got for the rewrite and I hope this gets upvoted.
pastarasta1 is quick-talking and often scheming
Thank you for your comment!
Love and light to all.
I like the concept, but I very much dislike the character and the interview. It devolves into the character simply telling the story of their life, and the story doesn't feel real to me - no subtlety at all. Overall -1, could probably be improved a lot however.
I like the idea of it, the writing is easy to read and understand.
I think the interview is a bit out of place, however. I think you went into a bit too much detail after the "Did you isolate yourself from others" question. I don't think it'd want to share its entire life story to a interviewer. I don't think you should go into a lot of detail about his past or personality- You could improve this by taking out details or sentences that are unnecessary, or you wouldn't share if you were it.
I fixed some grammar issues in the dialogue, but I probably missed some. Other than that, the idea is original and this wasn't hard to read.
Thank you for your comment! I can understand the criticism for the interview, but I thought the whole idea of someone like this would sort of run into a tirade about his life due to his issues. So it was more along the lines of 'letting the scp' talk/ramble.
Love and light to all.
Sorry for the late reply, Malik!
I understand. I think you should edit the SCP's personality, then. They can still be anxious and whatnot, but if he rambles about his life story to a stranger, then perhaps a more open personality would be more fitting?
scrubbyrant, I may not be a mod or admin, but I want to remind you not to edit other's work unless you they gave you the green light to do so, if the author did give you permission, then ignore this comment.
LItora multum ille…
It's just shy of up-vote territory for me - the dialogue is a bit croaky, for example.
If this gets deleted, or if you're interested anyway, I'd be willing to help you change it. Drop me a PM if so.
Looking over the idea as a whole, it isn't very interesting to me.
Now I say this because it just doesn't feel original, y'know? The idea of being able to influence animals, to my knowledge, is perhaps even common.
I feel that, given more revisions, there is opportunity for a far more original concept to be introduced. As stands, it does give off a Vermin God sort of vibe, and I feel it would be wise to try and ease away from that. I encourage you try to think of ways to make it more original, more captivating for your readers — how you could go about achieving this, I don't know. Best to ask around for that!
(Also, dear lord, the mental state of this poor person)
As for the interview logs, I find this person's story hard to really grasp or in fact even find it convincing, particularly due to the verbosity in their responses. Perhaps consider ways that you could cut down on the dialogue — it will certainly make it more convincing!
Particularly regarding their mental state and their attitude to conversation, it's stated that they tend to be anxious and prefer to be left alone — wouldn't this lead to shorter, snippier and perhaps more chiding responses, or even a lack of responses at all? Just because the therapists were able to persuade them doesn't mean the persuasion was wholly effective.
Overall thoughts:
I think there is potential for a far more original idea, and would encourage you to seek out ways of doing so. Work on your dialogue as well — shorter responses can convey just as much information or very little information, and the latter is handy if you want to build a sense of intrigue from the reader.
Neutral-voting.
fighting god in a denny‘s parking lot at 3am
You should remove the tags and let the tag team take care of it instead, 2 of your tags don't exist.
pastarasta1 is quick-talking and often scheming
That is indeed correct. Thus, I have removed the tags.
To the Author of the article, if you are not clear about tagging, let the tagging staff handle that. Note that untagged articles are usually targeted for tagging, and thus improperly-tagged articles will be out of the tag staff's radar.
Thank you for the info.
Love and light to all.
Thank you. I thought the user was supposed to add them in.
Love and light to all.
/forum/t-2175128/scp-2681#post-
page revision: 7, last edited: 17 Nov 2020 06:16
