My 3000 contest draft - Island of Junk

Summary:

Main concerns: what needs fleshing out? are the journal entries effective? Is this horror enough for the contest?

My 3000 contest draft - Island of Junk

trennerdios 08 Mar 2017 20:21

Main concerns in the summary. Any feedback would be appreciated. I consider this to be a rough draft, and imagine it will need some changes to pass muster, I'm just not sure what they are yet.

First tab in my sandbox: http://scpsandbox2.wikidot.com/trennerdios

Thanks!

Re: My 3000 contest draft - Island of Junk

Dr-Prentice 08 Mar 2017 22:10

I'm relatively new to the forums, but I wanted to say that I found the concept really interesting. The journal entries are a nice touch, as they really help the reader visualize the island with all its strange inhabitants. I really like the idea, I'm just not sure if its really horrifying enough, considering the theme of the contest. I personally got a more mysterious vibe from it, but good job overall!

Re: My 3000 contest draft - Island of Junk

MrWrong 09 Mar 2017 03:46

If I am not mistaken, 3000 contest entries should address the SCP as SCP-3000. I think abiding by the rules would help the entry.

Alright… at first glance, you have established clear imagery. I didn't really care much for the journal entries, for I do not feel there is much interesting points there. The presence of the WTC buildings caught me off guard, and I think I would like to know what other things are inside that world.

Regarding -2, I think it is simply left there and you did not really go back to it. You can talk about the materials it is made of, maybe to enhance the level of horror and provide buildup to your end point.

Overall, there is a small hint of unsettling-ness towards the end, but it came off as a last-minute jolt than with buildup.

Re: My 3000 contest draft - Island of Junk

RJB_R 09 Mar 2017 04:57

There's several elements at play here, a deserted landscape littered with junk, the -2 humanoid entity, the journal, and the WTC addenda. None of them really feel cohesive with the others and I'm not sure what was supposed to be scary about it. The last addenda was unsettling only because it was so jarring, and doesn't really leave a lasting impact. I feel like this needs some central element to pull it all together and give the reader something to identify with. Maybe giving the -2 a distinct personality would help on that front.

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Whether you like it or not, history is on our side. We will bury you!

Re: My 3000 contest draft - Island of Junk

psul 09 Mar 2017 09:04

I don't get a horror vibe from this, and I agree with Roget that the various elements of the story don't quite connect up. There are a few things I don't get:

• why is everything dead by the time the Foundation gets there?
• why on earth does Arthur keep such a detailed journal (with pages and pages of writing, including multiple times in the middle of the night) when he is under constant attack by "wild animals" and desperate to get to sleep/home?
• why doesn't Arthur recognise a washing machine when he sees it? (or other things, but I couldn't work out what they were, so I don't blame him)
• what is -2 and where did it come from?
• how did the Foundation find Arthur's body, inside a skyscraper, in the middle of the debris generally? How could they have known where to look?

The collective weight of these questions broke my suspension of disbelief, I'm afraid.

There is also some tightening required for tone - my suggestions below:

+ Comments

barbwire fence

I think "barbed wire" is probably the most clinical. Why is the 14km perimeter required, though? That seems excessive in the circumstances.

is a large island, approximately 2025 square kilometers in size

If you're giving us the size, I don't think you need to call the island large as well.

and appears to be comprised of nothing more than granite

"nothing more than" doesn't sound clinical to me. I'd suggest "composed of solid granite". I would also lose the deleted text / see addendum bit - that trope is growing old.

The most prominent feature of SCP-3048-1 is the numerous damaged man-made gadgets, appliances, and buildings that litter the landscape

This could be simplified to "The surface of SCP-3048-1 is covered in damaged man-made objects and buildings." The words "numerous", "gadgets" and "litter" seemed particularly non-clinical.

There appears to be no relation between the objects other than that they are all damaged, and that all exist or did exist on Earth at some point in time. The numerous commercial and residential buildings vastly differ in architecture and age, though most show signs of damage from fire or ballistic weapons.

Again this could be simplified to "No correlation has been found between the types of objects or their location within SCP-3048-1. Both commercial and residential buildings have been identified, in a range of architectural styles and ages. Most buildings exhibit damage from fire or other sources."

the same types found throughout SCP-3048. It was found about 70 meters

"the same types" and "found about" seem insufficiently precise for clinical tone, to my taste.

which let me its very long

"which let me see its very long"?

Found an old blacksmith bellows in another corner of the building

Why is the bellows not alive? Or the house itself?

Re: My 3000 contest draft - Island of Junk

trennerdios 09 Mar 2017 14:37

Thanks, this is super helpful; these are all really good points and questions. I think the most important thing I have to ask myself is "Even if I can address the issues with this article, can I make it work for the horror contest?" I'm not sure I can. I may rework this so that it can be a normal article, and figure out something new for the contest. I probably should have known better than to try and shoehorn an old idea(I've had this article idea forever but never wrote it up) into a new contest.