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Summary deletions result for:
SCP-2452 is an object that is inanimate .SCP-2452 is an object that appears as a band-aid that is sticky on both sides,if the object is applied to flesh then it will cause swelling,bruising,and excessive blood clots around the area the object is applied to.The object that SCP-2452 is placed on will be classified as SCP-2452-1.If SCP-2452 is attempted to be removed,it will cause extreme pain responses and nausea, -27 and three staff votes.
SCP-2961 is a blue cover notebook with 70 sheets of paper. On the back, a label reads “Write Office Supplies” though no record of a such company exits. SCP-2961’s anomalous properties manifest when something is written inside of SCP-2961. When something is written inside of SCP-2961, whatever is written, happens. This process only occurs with words, as trying to draw pictures only results in a perfectly wood orientation on the picture appering behind the subject as a physical object, -22 and three staff votes.
SCP-2293 is a subway tunnel located in REDACTED, London. SCP-2293 was explored by Mobile Task Force Echo-43 which found solid ghost like trains coming with a high speed at them, one train killed 3 agents while exploring. SCP-2293 spawns these trains when living objects enter the tunnel. these trains are called scp-2293-1 and cannot be contained, -26 and three staff votes.
SCP-2745 is a standard white washing machine with ten buttons, three of the buttons are labeled, the others have scratched out, and a rotary dial which when rotated can be set and has 0 - 3 options. The ten buttons only function when used with the rotary dial, -26 and three staff votes.
Feedback ported:
When an object is placed inside of SCP-2745 along with an accompanying object after which button one of the ten buttons, appropriately labeled "logical" and the small circular knob is set above 1 the machine will go into lockdown for five minutes, attempts to open SCP-2745 while SCP-2745 is operating have been unsuccessful.
This should not be a single sentence, and truthfully it's almost impossible to parse. I can barely make out what this is supposed to mean.
The whole article reads like it was written by someone very young, or someone whose first language is not English. More the former than the latter, though.
Okay, here goes..
SCP-2745 is to be hooked up
Break in tone right away - "connected" would be better.
to a 5-litre tank of 125 °C hot water,
"hot" is redundant and non-clinical.
When not in use SCP-2745 is to be locked inside a small room monitored 24/7 by multiple security cameras.
Why?
Those under Level 3 Clearance must gain the permission of a Level 3 or higher clearance to access the room, anyone without proper clearance attempting to use SCP-2745 will be taken into questioning.
Redundant. Just say "Level 3 clearance is required to access the object."
Description: SCP-2745 is a standard white 68.58 cm wide and 48.78 cm wide washing machine with ten buttons1 and a circular knob2.
If it's standard you don't need to describe it. Maybe just the make and model (and a photo of the front?). Also buttons1 and knob2?
When and if an object is placed inside SCP-2745 and one of the ten buttons are pressed, nothing happens.
Not clinical and quite clunky. You could say "the ten buttons only function when used with the rotary dial."
When an object is placed inside of SCP-2745 along with an accompanying object,
How about "When two or more objects.."
I don't have time for more than that, but it's fairly representative of the rest of the article.
Radiation? Why?
Also, your object basically takes things and combines them/alters them (your article even mentions one of them). As you've indicated, there are a number of scips on the site that already do this.
I won't lie, I grinned at more than one part given how over the top things were. The style would almost seem like an exaggeration of the early days of the wiki.
But overall, I feel this is too disconnected to really work, either as a "wacky" mainlister or as a -J. If you are going to rework this as a -J, I suggest cutting it down. Don't get me wrong, I realize randomness is part of the joke, but you can really cram only so much before things completely lose their charm. Think Airplane! vs. a Friedberg & Seltzer movie.
SCP 2921-a is a humanoid entity of varying shape and size, but most commonly manifested in the form of a fourteenth century duke commonly wearing a common catholic priest cassock. SCP 2921-a is a "vampire like" entity often described as a "Dracula" by staff due to several parallels it shares with the fictional character popularized by novelist Bram Stoker, -20 and three staff votes.
SCP-2518, [An exceptionally fine set of [BRAND RETRACTED] gold accessories, composing of two bracelets, and a gold chain. The accessories, when worn, cause the wearer to partially lose emotions over a period of [DATA EXPUNGED], and soon leaves the wearer with no feelings of any kind. At this point, The accessories then release themselves from the body, and find a place where another person might acquire them, and start the cycle over again, -19 and three staff votes.
Feedback ported: Mf99k
Biggest thing here is tone. Since tone can be much more subtle than SPaG issues and concept flaws, I'll point out a few words that seem to break clinical tone:
when writing an SCP, try to imagine that you are writing this paper as a scientist at the Foundation, and it is your job to make it seem professional. In some ways, like a research paper you might write for a school project, for example
Got ninja'd by the deletion, so here's some crit for 2921:
But seriously, author, while I do give you a bit of credit for this guy not being literally Dracula, you're not bringing enough new material to justify the fact that you use so many vampire tropes (including a shoutout to Hellsing). People can pull this style off only if they bring a whole lot of new stuff to the table, in ways that play with the audience's expectations.
SCP-2892 instances take on the appearance of standard guide dog harnesses. While size, length, and make can vary, all instances have a button that, when held, allows individuals to see through the eyes (or the closest equivalent) of whatever the harness is currently attached to. Individuals who can see become permanently unable to use their own eyes after using SCP-2892, though no damage has been found to explain this, -16 and three staff votes.
Feedback ported:
I don't think Wondertainment is the right GOI for this. The tone of the letters seems more akin to MC&D, really, although the loss of sight might make it more of a Factory object. Wondertainment is more "genuinely nice being with no understanding of humanity" than portrayed here (although the idea of a faux-Wondertainment selling items claiming to be Wondertainment might be interesting, especially if Dr. Wondertainment and Mr. Litigation got involved…).
While I find the general idea of exploring the relationship/co-dependency between visually-impaired individuals and guide animals potentially interesting, I don't like the direction you've taken here. There's no exploration of the animal side of things and Wondertainment's MO of infiltrating the Foundation seems pretty weak, with the end result being random containment breach-related death and mayhem with no further implications. All in all, it feels too standard, predictable, and leaves me questioning how the Foundation could err in the case of ensuring a retired employee wouldn't be capable of spilling internal secrets.
The detail of the agent's son losing his sight puzzled me; did he use the SCP? That's my guess, and it would explain how the Foundation knows about that effect. I'm surprised that Wondertainment hadn't caught it in beta testing.
Unless this WAS beta testing.
The tone of the procedures, description, etc doesn't have big issues, but I'm sure I'm not the only one slightly miffed by the casual containment breach and especially how it's just mentioned and not even that interesting or impactful.
I agree, Wondertainment seems off, and if my memory serves me right, while he has appeared in some tales, I don't think I've seen a casual customer back and forth exchange before, and seems kind of OOC.
This could work, maybe not even needing a GOI attachment to pull it off.
I've got to agree with several others that Wondertainment is just not a good fit for this, and several other GoIs would fit much better (The Factory, MC&D, Prometheus Labs to name a few. The modus operandi of corrupting a potential asset with a bribe that exploits a disadvantage is right in the MC&D wheelhouse).
Your tone is mostly on point but you skimp on details where they'd have the most impact (maybe a clue as to what was stolen or for what purpose). I did like the changing tone for the correspondence. -1 but I look forward to revision.
Pretty much nthing the other Wondertainment complaints. My issues started with the GOI straight-up assaulting a Site and killing people/stealing SCPs.
It's something that's not just out-of-character in the first place (Wondertainment is often giving their products to the Foundation), but it is a plot device that bores the hell out of me when appropriate GOIs (Chaos Insurgency, which I dislike regardless) do it. The back-and-forth emails seemed equally out of place, and I don't care for the repeated logs with the subject line carrying the exposition.
Side note: Did you bring this idea up in chat the other week, and it had something to do with GOC mages and their familiars? If so, I preferred that idea, and hope you pursue it; if not, disregard, that's another animal-harness skip :P.
When you do the rewrite, I would strongly recommend telling the story through some other medium than a long string of "Dear Customer" emails. The item is an interesting enough anomaly that the correspondence feels like fluff to pad out an otherwise short SCP.
Short isn't always bad. Meaningless fluff, on the other hand, IS always bad.
"While size, length, and make can vary"
Is there a better way to write that sentence? It feels awkward when I read it. Maybe "Physical dimensions of the product can vary" or something?
Also, I would either remove the breach, or add stronger evidence for why the Foundation suspects the specific GOI you end up going with. A single email is a start, but when they're storing things that can, at any moment and with no warning whatsoever, literally tear a physical hole in spacetime and pull a giant, laser eyed rabbit that farts nuclear fallout out of it, a single email doesn't amount to much evidence.
SCP-2519, A seemingly normal person from the left side but the whole █████ is not human, We are not sure what █████ is. It has no memory of what happened but it seems to like researching on Class - D and Class - E. It hates Nine Tailed Fox and █████ as it witnessed them with guns pointing at another SCP, -19 and three staff votes.
Feedback ported: Tutwater
I… What? I still have literally no idea what this SCP is supposed to be. All I can tell is "we're supposed to call it human" and "it doesn't like NTF." One, why would the Foundation address something as human for no good reason, and two, how is 2519 not liking NTF important enough to put in its description? The personality of the skip really doesn't matter, unless it relates to the anomalous property.
Why in the hell is it so short, besides? I don't even know what's anomalous about 2519 that warrants containing it. There's much more description you could give.
SCP-2352 is a small shack, located in ███, ██████. It is made of a wooden base and is surrounded by a thick swamp, and is unknown as to what's under it. SCP-2352's front and only door is opened whenever an instance of SCP-2352-1 comes out of the home. SCP-2352-1 appears to be a humanoid persona in a decaying state, and typically wearing a costume, -18 and three staff votes.
Feedback ported:
Author, if you want to add a title to your article you do so by editing the Series III page. Scroll to the bottom, select edit, find the slot your article is posted in, and change [ACCESS DENIED] to the name you want.
That aside, here's some notes I made as I read:
Overall the concept wasn't particularly interesting, honestly. It kind of reminds me of SCP-076 but with a house instead of a coffin, however the lack of any sort of narrative here takes precedent over that. Why does this thing exist? Who created it? What was its intended purpose? Answering questions like that within the article gives it some sort of story to go off, but without any of that, it was hard to stay engaged while reading this. The grammar errors should be addressed as well, I recommend reading this aloud to yourself, in doing so you can catch a lot of errors you might miss otherwise. As for the idea itself, I recommend you take it over to the Ideas and Brainstorming forum before you try to rework the article. Getting the concept fleshed out more and getting a general backstory worked out beforehand will make the writing process go a lot smoother.
For future reference, you should first receive feedback from others in the IRC chat, or the Drafts and Critiques forum before you post to the mainsite. Drafts and in-progress works go in the Sandbox, and when you're ready to get feedback, you just have to share your sandbox page link and ask. Getting feedback before you post will allow you to make any necessary changes to a draft before it is posted here and considered finished, polished work. Good luck to you!
SCP-2391 is Dr. █████████ █████, previously a research assistant in the Foundation Memetic Hazard Division. During routine testing with SCP-████1, Dr. █████████ was rendered comatose for seven minutes, at the end of which he regained consciousness and insisted to all nearby personnel that he was to be contained under the designation SCP-2391, as a Keter-level entity, -16 and three staff votes.
Feedback ported:
This article has potential. The problem that it currently has though, is that I feel less like there's a mysterious reason why he's actually Keter and more like the author wasn't sure either and so they made the character vague rather than solve that problem. This comes forward especially in the interview. My downvote was sealed when he basically said, "Dude. You know ███? Cause that. And don't kill me just cause." While I think a character with a Cassandra complex is very interesting, it needs to be revealed to the reader at some point that the character has a valid perception. As it stands, I have no idea what will happen if this scientist is uncontained or killed and it makes the stakes of his containment very low and uninteresting to me.
Seems like a rehash of SCP-1943, only this time it's about a guy who convinces people he's anomalous, rather than the much more cruel nature of that one where they're just taking the word of the CI.
SCP-2293 is a small house located in a suburban neighborhood outside of [REDACTED], it seems like a normal house when viewed from the exterior. There are four ways to enter the house, one oak front door, one double-paned glass window, a reinforced steel door, and a trapdoor that leads to the cellar. Upon entry through the west entrance, or front door, you will find yourself in a small living room, we only have enough information to identify such, as we have no eyewitness reports of what lives inside the house, except one, -25 and three staff votes.
Feedback ported:
When you're adding addendums (Zyn edit: addenda), it's a good idea to bold the "Addendum [date]" segment to make it easier to tell that it's set off from the main body of the text.
Saying something "looks normal" is bad form for clinical tonality.
"Its skin hangs loosely on its flesh"
Skin and flesh can be used interchangeably in most situations. Recommend revising this.
"and the chemicals in its body no doubt allow it to move"
How is there no doubt? I'd be doubting it quite thoroughly until I saw some more thorough documentation on that effect. Also, "no doubt" is another poor choice for clinical tone.
"otherwise it would be completely immobile"
In context of this sentence, this clause reads "If it didn't have some way of moving, it would be immobile".
"which it is not"
Obviously.
"due to its killing of Colonel ██████ and Sergeant ████████████."
So if it didn't kill Colonel Redacted and Sergeant Blackbar, it wouldn't be able to move?
That's just one sentence. The whole thing is a difficult to navigate maze of poor grammar and worse clinical tone.
I highly recommend getting a sandbox page together and letting your next article sit on it for a while to gather critiques. This needs some serious grammatical assistance.
Edit: removed the line about self-upvotes being against the rules. Wasn't aware of that, thanks Dr Nikolaus
A solid attempt, but as others are saying, lacks clinical tonality and sounds wonky in context. That aside, there are a few things here to consider:
1. The actual idea behind the piece
As much as I dig the whole 'spoopy scary house with lots of rooms' vibe, it's been done before. A good example is Gears' infamous Cargo Ship, which is…you know, a cargo ship, so not technically a house, but around the same idea (I would HIGHLY recommend reading it. I have a personal thing about recommending series one articles to newbies, but even if you don't end up taking much away from it, in this case it's pretty relevant as a starting point). Notice how he fleshes out some ideas while retaining others in a more simplistic, vague state- this is a good example of what you tried to pull off here, but fell short on. In this piece, nothing is really all that fleshed out. One thing flows to another, and nothing really has that much relevance.
2. Who cares?
This is one of the hardest parts of writing an SCP in my opinion. Who cares? I have no connection to the woman who's soul is in the house, nor do I have any feeling towards the Mobile Task Force workers and researchers who get killed or the humanoid inside. In many SCP articles, one finds themselves conflicted between emotional connection to the piece and the clinical restrictions— things you want to do, but can't, if that makes sense. Can you write an SCP where no one who reads it will care? Yes. Will it be good? No. Do you have to make people care to make it good? Well, I mean, not really, but…It's hard to explain.
Again, a solid attempt. I urge you to keep writing here, but I must downvote (although its already in deletion).
SCP-2869 appears to be a regular bone china teacup and saucer, attached with floral embroideries on each side. It was brought to attention to our staff when many reports of strangulation and bodies drained of all fluid. The anomalous effects of SCP-2869 dominantly begin when the inner surface comes into contact with any liquid, improperly self-deleted, cleared by me at -9 with A Random Day witnessing.
SCP-2258 appears to most subjects as a [DATA EXPUNGED], humanoid-like creature. Upon making eye contact with SCP-2258, short term memories are lost and traumatizing images of various events replace them. SCP-2258 seems to give those memories, that are mostly torture that SCP-2258 endured done by the SCP Foundation, -20 and three staff votes.
Feedback ported: themingowman
The tone isn't very clinical at some points. Also, you're not really using "[DATA EXPUNGED]" the way its intended. It's used to leave a little mystery and it should make sense and be clear as to why its there. Why is it necessary to expunge an adjective about a humanoid entity?
SCP-2352 is a costume of a Ursus americanus (American Black Bear). SCP-2352 is the size of an average female black bear and is noted to have an uncanny resemblance to one. SCP-2352's main anomalous properties appear when any human puts on the costume via zipper in the back, upon being fully zipped into SCP-2352, it refits it's shape to fit that of the wearer but at the same time still resembling the body shape of a bear, -18 and three staff votes.
Feedback ported:
What's the story you're trying to tell? At the very minimum, you should compare this story to SCP-1545, as Larry the Loving Llama is rather famous.
At its core, you're presenting a situation, but not resolving it. A person enters the suit, it turns them into a bear, then stings them to death with bees. Why a bear? Why bees? Do bears regularly get stung to death? Why does the bee colony in the bear suit not become a bear itself?
The idea itself has definite merit, and you have a very good starting point, but needs expansion.
This idea runs into the problem of yes, the Foundation would contain it, but it doesn't hold the reader's interest. Most good SCPs (with a few notable exceptions) have enough meat on their bones, so to speak, to have an interesting short story written about them, or maybe even a novel. I couldn't write a story centered around this costume in its current state: there's no inherent conflict, no action, no real story to follow. Approach writing your SCPs with the mindset of "could I change my mind and make this into a short story," and you'll find that if you think of story first, object next, it becomes a lot easier. Tailor the object to your narrative, not the other way around.
Here's some questions to help you expand the SCP article:
Who made this?
Why did they make it?
Who was meant to wear the suit?
Could actual bears tell the difference?
Does the suit work the way it's supposed to, or is it a flawed prototype?
Hopefully this helps!
An keter clas scp, A tall man in a black hoody holding a gun. We have been unable to identify due to him always staying in the shadows. Unauthorised acces wil be shot on sight. Testing is not aloud due to it collecting blood. DR.[REDACTED] has tried communicating in a failed proces, Victims appear to have no blood and a bullet wound next to the hart. This leads to it having very good aim. It needs to be obsevated with hidden camera's due to it having shot previous models, -41 and three staff votes.
SCP-2378-J are a collection of 4 human skeletal systems designated as SCP-2378-J-1 through SCP-2378-J-4. The height, weight, and physical features of SCP-2378-J vary, with the tallest instance standing at 1.32 meters and the shortest standing at 0.98 meters. The anomalous effects of SCP-2378-J instances manifest between the hours of 7:00 PM on October 31st, and 1:30 AM on November 1st, on which they return to a dormant state, -23 and three staff votes.
SCP-2546 is a black music box measuring 7.62 X 12.7 centimeters. All attempts to retrieve a sample of the wood constructing SCP-2546 have failed. When in its closed state, SCP-2546 shows no harmful anomalous effects. When opened SCP-2546 will produce a lullaby at a tempo of 120 beats per minute. All humans that hear the song directly, not through recording, begin to feel tired, -21 and three staff votes.
Feedback ported:
It's a music box that makes zombies, but it doesn't explore the how and why of zombification. There are other zombie makers (the most famous being SCP-008 and SCP-049), and in both cases, there's more information about what's going on, more activity happening in the articles than this one.
In addition, the complete lack of periods in the interviews is a large number of punctuation errors that greatly detract from the piece.
The narrative needs to be improved to bring about an emotional response in the reader. The punctuation errors need to be fixed. The feel of the piece should be improved, helping to improve the connection between the music box and the zombification. Finally, a single zombie is not likely to be a large threat to the Foundation; they deal with weird things all the time; what's one zombie?
One thing that bothered me, and is worth considering for future submissions, is the "why" to how the containment procedures are set up. I can hand-wave the glass box as being necessary for observation, but what is the purpose of the soundproofing? You establish that the box only activates when it is opened, and there are no hints that it might be able to operate itself. Also, requiring the authorization of 3 Class 3 personnel to remove the box for an object classified as safe seems excessive without further explanation.
The Foundation is in the business of effectively containing SCP's meaning that the application of excessive resources and bureaucracy would invariably be reduced to the minimum required. That being said, I look forward to your next one!
