SCP-XXXX Concept Post (This is currently not receiving anything)

Summary:

A concept summary on SCP-XXXX

SCP-XXXX Demo Page

GusDaner987 19 Apr 2021 17:10

Seeking Greenlights: Not at the moment.

Page Type: This is a SCP Article.

Elevator Pitch: A man with spine injury gets experimented on by malicious doctors that would turn the man into SCP-XXXX which is an enlarged, undead skeleton missing the lower half of its body.

Central Narrative: Known history of the man[1] in records have been able to show the foundation that the man[1]once saved several people from a burning building, imminent to collapse, by getting them out safely by using a nearby elevator, as the stairs weren't an option due to him being confined to a wheelchair.

Hook/Attention-Grabber: From an almost broken USB that the foundation used to find out that, a man, who was once a security guard, worked at a building that was soon set ablaze for unknown reasons, had suffered from a spinal injury. Since the doctors at all the hospitals couldn't fix the issue, he's desperate for some kind of cure. After finding an ad on his computer that could permanently fix his spine, he goes in with his brother and friend, and all three are experimented on by three malicious doctors (named Dr.'s Chuck, Douglas and Mark). The man himself is the SCP listed above. After the man[1]gets experimented on, his brother and friend were next, and both became in a much more broken state, but somehow still alive. The SCP of the man[1]itself possesses the ability to freeze anything with its eyes (not turning said thing into stone, but immobilizing that said thing). Affects recorded have consistently lasted for an entire week. It also possesses a dubbed "hatchet jaw", which can break through any material, and the specimen itself has its own skull garden with very distinctive properties. As it was once human, it is said that it can understand basic communication, being able to write whole sentences from the blood of its decayed, yet somehow still functioning organs, but it is unable to talk as it possesses no tongue. It also doesn't pose an aggressive nature, instead being docile without its odd effects of irrational thinking and fear.

Additional Notes: This is not currently receiving critique.

Last edited on 30 May 2021 23:49 by GusDaner987 Show more

Re: SCP-XXXX Demo Page

quickestsilver 04 May 2021 22:14

Hi, summoned from IRC:

+ show block

I still like the basic idea of the monster, but I have a lot of the same main issues with this as the last version I saw:

- What is the thematic significance of the SCP being a giant, hypnotic bone monster that hordes skulls? It feels like the backstory is fundamentally unrelated to the nature of the anomaly.

- The narrative feels very shallow, and only seeks to explain *how* the anomaly exists, not why. What was the benefit of making a bone monster? Why would these genius scientists bother with this?

An exercise that might be helpful here is to try to write down an interesting elevator pitch where instead of being a bone monster, the guy just ended up permanently paralyzed. No powers, no scary factor. I think you're overfocused on how cool this monster would be, and this will help deal with the mundane, human aspects of the story.

Forum Criticism Team - Staff Post

Naveil 19 Apr 2021 17:45

GusDaner987,

As per the Required Reading, all authors seeking conceptual critique must use the following template:

**Seeking Greenlights:** Put yes or no.

**Page Type:** SCP Article, Tale, GoI Format, Joke SCP, Site Dossier, Other (specify)

**Genre (Optional):** Horror, Drama/Emotional, Comedy, Action, History, Other (specify)

**Page Layout (Optional):** [How will you will structure the page in terms of information presentation, or plot development? If you plan on using a unique format/format screw, describe that here.]

**Elevator Pitch:** [What is the basic core idea? Use a bullet point list if necessary.] 

**Central Narrative:** [Describe the story beats or overarching context/"big picture" for your piece. If there is no story content, put "none".] 

**Hook/Attention-Grabber:** [What is novel/unique about your premise? What is special about your idea here that will make it stand out among the other works already on the mainsite?] 

**Additional Notes:** [Note any concerns or particular areas of assistance you would like reviewers to focus on.]

Please edit your post to fit the specified format. Do NOT make a new thread. Instead, use the "edit" function, found below the post under "Options". In addition, please note that the last four sections of the template should not exceed 400 words.

Once you've made the changes, please refer to this thread to contact reviewers: http://scp-wiki.wikidot.com/forum/t-13282692/how-to-get-more-reviews

Re: SCP-6613 Demo

petitepaddington 23 Apr 2021 22:51

To be honest, this reads a lot like a pitch for yet another overpowered humanoid, as it has so many anomalous properties and effects that it's a bit overwhelming. The tragic backstory is slightly reminiscent of Deadpool.

has a height measurement of 3.048 Meters (10 feet) and a weight of 1814.36948 Kilograms (2 metric tons).

Unless the exact height in decimals is important to the SCP itself, rounding to the nearest whole number is your best bet. Also including Imperial measurements isn't needed, as the Foundation adheres to only the Metric system.

Here is a list of my questions and things to think on:

Where is it located, a Foundation site or in the wild? Is it contained there? What is your justification for the Safe class? What do you mean by neutral?

How do they know the origins of this SCP? A journal left by the scientists? An interview with the entity itself? Have the Foundation attempted any experiments with it? Why is it memetic?

All in all, this could make a good SCP with more fleshing-out and planning. Remember, most SCPs are meant to tell a story or convey some emotion in particular. What is your goal here?

Make sure to thoroughly read How to Write an SCP.

---

i’ve dispatched bears to your location, prepare for contact

Last edited on 23 Apr 2021 22:53 by petitepaddington Show more

Re: SCP-XXXX Concept Post [Seeking Critque]

Mooagain 05 May 2021 00:38

Small recommendation, try to focus more on who the characters are and what makes them interesting people instead of what cool things they can do. Also keep in mind that the idea thread is for how you plan to tell a story, not minor details about the SCPs appearance.

This is a list of all the guides on the site, you might want to check out some of them as they can help with idea development.

Re: SCP-XXXX Concept Post [Seeking Critique And Possible Greenlights!]

Doctor Fullham 15 May 2021 01:29

I have to echo what petitepaddington said. This thing is just way too powerful. The Foundation couldn't hope to contain it, especially if it has a jaw that just magically breaks through any material. And how does a ten-foot-tall, TWO TON half-skeleton-man-half-parasite get around ANYWHERE without being noticed? That's heavier than most cars. He'd be cracking floors left and right, can't get through a doorframe without smashing it. The Foundation wouldn't need to find a flash drive to find out that this thing exists. It'd be on the news everywhere as soon as anyone saw it, and you can't be stealthy when you're 10 feet tall and weigh two tons.

Also, nobody would ever, ever, ever store that kind of information on a USB drive. People don't just….keep electronic journals detailing their life story, and even if they did, with the accessibility of cloud storage now, they definitely wouldn't put it all on a USB. So how the Foundation found out about this at all is already on dubious footing.

Why would a doctor's diary be with his "records"? Diaries are personal items. Doctors don't give their diaries to a hospital to put on file. If they could hardly find anything on these guys in the first place, how the hell was one so careless as to leave something like that for others to find?

Plus, how is his family dying in any way related to Douglas "not getting his due credit"? That event and that motivation have literally no logical connection at all. Why does his family need to be involved at all, much less dead? And how does creating a monster help with that either? Wouldn't he want to be known for helping people?

+ show block

The concept of "mad scientists create monster, monster gets revenge" has been done to death, both on the wiki and in fiction in general. That's not to say you can't use that concept, but it needs to be really unique and really well-executed if it's going to stand out.

I think the core issue is that you're trying to do way too much here. Struggling to fit in the word limit can be a sign that the idea is too complex and should be simplified before drafting. If you want my advice, you need to choose a single storyline to focus on and trim the fat around it. If you want the focus to be Douglas' descent into mad science because he wasn't getting his "due credit", cut the bits about the SCP's relatives - what they did to him is motivation enough for revenge. Cut the bit about Douglas' family - it's totally unrelated to the narrative or his motivations. You might even cut the other two doctors entirely.

If you want what happened to the SCP and his search for revenge to be the focus, maybe keep in the family stuff, but again, just what they did to him would be enough to want revenge.

And regardless of the narrative, get rid of the "found a USB stick" thing, it doesn't hold up at all. Most people know well enough to not stick a random USB drive into their computers, and if it looked mostly broken, they'd just throw it away.

All in all, this just has way too many conveniences and logical holes in it, plus the anomaly itself is too powerful. You have a LOT of work to do before this is ready for drafting.

As a courtesy to our readers on mobile devices, please collapse long posts. ~Zyn

Last edited on 15 May 2021 06:41 by Zyn Show more