Prometheus Labs: Acquisitions

Summary:

Anomalous humanoid gets strung along. A lot.

Prometheus Labs: Acquisitions

Zoobeeny 08 Mar 2021 19:00

First draft. Woooo…
Greenlights, if you wanna check mine: http://scp-wiki.wikidot.com/forum/t-13996433/prometheus-labs:acquisitions#post-4892591
Draft: http://scp-sandbox-3.wikidot.com/zoobeeny
4K words.

Ultimately, it's about an anomalous humanoid whose desire to help his friends and family gets used by Prometheus culminating in the death of said friends due to a combination of his overconfidence and Prometheus' greed.

Now, I have a ton of potential concerns with this SCP as a reviewer myself. Tons.

1. Too protagonist-y (X-Man syndrome and all that…)
2. Not enough emotion
3. Tension isn't built well enough
4. Characters don't get enough "screen time" and don't form the emotional bond with the reader
5. final interview being mostly unneeded (maybe? I dunno, I'm open to removing it. I just liked the potential. Or I'm powertripping. Hard to tell.)
6. Stylistic choices might get hard on the eyes near the end when it's just the same style repeated about 5 times
7. Doesn't get the message across to the reader of a person whose desire to help their close friends is constantly being abused by those in power. (Also not sure how to make this more obvious without being too on-the-nose.)
8. The "grief buddies" scene isn't working.

Reviewers: DrMoned, DrFullham, VoxStulti, EagleKnight9

Current plan (just for me, really): Spread the deaths of the characters over longer time. Felicia is the last to die still, specifically, she burns to death due to Prometheus leaving her to die after Zhu is unable to save her. Prometheus tells Zhu that he can save her if he does [XYZ], but ultimately still lets her die.
Zhu finds out eventually (either finds logs or her charred/dehydrated body), and enacts revenge against Harvey by hanging him over a furnace.
Foundation is brought into the fray when they find Harvey's body.

Last edited on 22 Mar 2021 04:54 by Zoobeeny Show more

Re: Prometheus Labs: Acquisitions

TheAlienBaby 10 Mar 2021 04:00

[Placeholder! Will crit in 56 hours.]
Hey again Zoobeeny, I'll be critting your draft today!
Let's get right to it, shall we?

+ Overall +

So I can see what this article's trying to do, and I really like it. Zhu's story of finding companionship, then being unable to help or support those companions in any way while the company he works for leaves them to die is a great concept. His revenge and 'rescue' by the Foundation, only to have his abilities abused again is even better, some great narrative escalation there.

However, the story here kind of falls flat. The execution doesn't do it for me, and I feel detached from the narrative rather than engaged. To echo Impperatrix, the relationship between Zhu and his friends feels rather hasty. I can see that Zhu really likes his friends, but while they have an emotional connection to each other, I don't have much of an emotional connection with them. Thus, I'd suggest expanding on your characters, as you mentioned initially considering. While I understand your concerns with this (making it obvious that these characters will die, distracting from Zhu's primary concern of Eva), it is almost essential to get readers engaged. Having a longer article isn't a bad thing!

Additionally, this lack of characterisation makes what should be an emotional event (Zhu's revenge on Harvey) less impactful. Again, I understand that Zhu really loved his friends, but the revenge still feels flat as opposed to cathartic.

And to restate Impperatrix again, the structure of this article is… odd, to say the least. I can't really help you here, unfortunately (aesthetic malaise I guess). Maybe look at the structure of the Top Rated Articles for this month for some ideas on formatting? Either that, or reach out to some more reviewers for suggestions.

Now, I've noticed that there's a lot of personal issues you have with your article, especially concerning the necessity of the final interview. Don't worry! It works well as a plot device, you aren't powertripping. As for your other personal literary grievances, focus on 2, 3, 4, and 6 (mentioned this one just before).

BONUS QUESTION: who's Barnaby? I assume some kind of lab technician, but I could be wrong. He's frequently mentioned in the first couple of logs, but not at all in the later ones. It's probably just my tired ass being confused about simple things again, but I'm still going to ask.

---

+ Line-by-Line +

[…]is to relocate and recontain with the use of five pocket SRAs to force manifestion of SCP-XXXX.

This phrasing feels odd. Consider changing to 'is to relocate and recontain SCP-XXXX with the use of five pocket SRAs to force its remanifestation.

SCP-XXXX, formerly known as Bennet Zhu, appears to be[…]

THE DREADED PHRASE. Avoid saying 'appears to be' in the description (though I can understand the use of it here). Consider a change to 'SCP-XXXX, formerly known as Bennet Zhu, is, physically, a 20-year-old humanoid of Asian descent. However, [the same as in the draft].'

A large but scabbed-over slash can be seen across his chest.

The 'but' here is unnecessary.

Doesn't look too bad to me, Sean, help me see if we can move this thing.

Replace the comma here ^ with a full stop ('Doesn't look too bad to me. Sean, help me see if we can move this thing.')

SCP-XXXX flips through to the middle of the folder where seven evidence bags fall out with scraps of napkins in them.

Could change to 'SCP-XXXX flips through to the middle of the folder, causing seven evidence bags containing scraps of napkins to fall out.' More of a personal stylistic grammar choice, I just don't like the phrasing here.

Stay out of this O5.

Nitpicky, but this is ambiguous phrasing (I know the meaning is still clear, but I'll be damned if I'm not pedantic). Just add a comma ('Stay out of this, O5.')

That's about it for this section. Everything else that I noticed is fine.

---

And that's all for my crit today! Thanks for reading, and I hope this helps!

Last edited on 12 Mar 2021 11:52 by TheAlienBaby Show more

Re: Prometheus Labs: Acquisitions

Zoobeeny 12 Mar 2021 15:36

Thanks for the crit!
I see what y'all are talking about. The emotional impact for Zhu is lessened to the reader, because they don't understand it or connect to it. The reader should feel empathetic, because they too are affected. But as it is now, they're not.

And I'm definitely powertripping, it's just hidden under layers of attempted writing lol.

Barnaby is Zhu's name for the AI: Beta Autonomous Response Network-Audiovisual, which can be shortened to BARN-AV, or Barnaby.
I might need to clarify that (.o_ o.)

I think I have some ideas on formatting, so I'll get back to it.
Thanks again!

Re: Prometheus Labs: Acquisitions

Impperatrix 11 Mar 2021 20:11

I WAS SUMMONED (via PM!)

+ Here's my thoughts

I know that's something stylistic, but I feel that it would be better to add this and the things after as Addenda. It's very strange how the article proceeds as it's all together without a proper division. Also, it would help you to divide things better, as in the current state the article feels like it's longer than it really is due to the thirteen collapsible.

There is this thing about the Acquisitions Team too. Their relationship is very rushed. I can understand their friendship and everything, but I as a reader didn't feel anything about any of the members except Zhu. I suggest you cut one or two characters from the group and/or expand on the story of the members, maybe give them a moment with Zhu for them to talk and express their emotions for each other. The photos are a good beginning, but there are not enough, at least for me.

Last but not least the interview felt like the whole article was made as an origin story for a super-hero like the narrative is completely made simply to get into this interview and make Zhu into this assassin agent for the Foundation. The idea itself is not bad but the fact that everything that came before seems to be written just so Zhu can be taken as this agent for the Foundation feels cheap. You need to focus on the narrative before that so the interview looks like a result of the story and not its motive.

I like how things are written till now, but it really needs some expansion on certain factors. The story itself is interesting, this anti-hero that was part of a "family team" that was destroyed by this gray-morality group and becomes the slave to another one just to keep what remains of his family safe. There's a lot of potential that's not being used here and I know you can improve this article.

Good luck and good writing!

Re: Prometheus Labs: Acquisitions

Zoobeeny 12 Mar 2021 06:25

I hope I'm not coming off as defensive here, but these are my thoughts.

thoughts

For the dividing of the addenda, I'm having difficulty with combining them because they're all separated by their topic. For me, the idea was to have each one separate to indicate a completely separate train of thought. Many of them are separated by months of in-universe time as well, and to combine them under one collapsible, at least to me, potentially rids the individual parts of their impact.

I can see how it would feel cluttered or unnecessarily long. I'll see what I can do…

For your second point, I initially wanted to expand on the characters, but I want to avoid the situations of:
A) Making it obvious that these characters are going to die (if you see characters that are "too" likeable, they are probably gonna die).
B) Distract from the sole anguish felt by the protagonist

Personally, I just wanted to get the message across that these are people that Zhu really likes and give reason as to why he acts the way he does.

However, I am also experimenting with introducing Eva as a character, which would act as both a Chekov's Gun for the final interview (in a way), and give a reason for Zhu to agree to the conditions.

For the "article feels like an excuse to be a superhero origin story", I uh, I got nothing in the article now that actually solves that.
I'm not really sure how to fix that though. Ideally, I suppose I'd have a climax right before that interview, potentially another security feed instead of just a summary of Zhu killing a dude, "show, don't tell," and all that.
But, I'm also not sure if that would provide enough justification for the Foundation to get involved.
In any case, I understand what you're trying to say. It needs to flow naturally, not conveniently.

I'll see what I can do about the stuff you brought up, thanks for the crit!

Re: Prometheus Labs: Acquisitions

tawnyowljones 18 Mar 2021 17:43

Summoned via IRC :D

+ LBL (just minor stuff)

MTF Tau-21("Set Phasers")

MTF Tau-21 ("Set Phasers")

Of the other members,

Remove this.

SCP-XXXX is silent for several moments.

Might be better to use an actual amount of time? Clinical tone and all that.

mirror-basement

"basement in the mirror" might fit better

the arm extends forward and grabs Felicia.

You should state that the mirror dude pulls Felicia into the mirror before Sean speaks.

above a oak desk

"above an oak desk"

The drawer rips out

"The drawer falls out"

+ Overall Narrative

Overall, it's definitely an interesting idea but it feels disconnected in a lot of places. You never really introduce the characters and I didn't feel emotionally connected to them until the end of Felicia's logs. I didn't really understand why they were hunting Sarkics either, and I didn't realise they were an MTF-adjacent group (I think?) until they were actually in the basement. The bit with the mirror felt disjointed and I don't understand why SCP-XXXX couldn't pass through the mirror. Granted, I'm not familiar with the Prometheus Labs format or with crazy reality stuff, so it may well just be my lack of knowledge.

In regards to narrative progression, it works fine, but if your main narrative is "dude being exploited by shitty corporations" and not "group of friends go Sarkic hunting and most of them die" then you probably need a major rewrite. I'd definitely recommend running past more people (especially people familiar with the format) because I am absolutely not the expert on this.

+ Answers to your questions

1) It doesn't feel like X-Man syndrome. It might if you refocus the narrative, but with a good narrative X-Man syndrome matters less.

2) I didn't really feel any emotion until Felicia's logs. I certainly didn't feel emotionally connected to your characters until they died.

3) I feel like the main goal of your article is to show that SCP-XXXX is being exploited by both Prometheus and the Foundation, but the narrative surrounding the basement and the alternate reality detracts from that. There's a lot going on and it lets the tension slip.

4) I don't think SCP-XXXX gets enough "screen time". I struggled to see it as a person capable of emotion, even though its storyline was an emotional one. I didn't feel an emotional connection to Mark, Amy, or Sean at all, and I only felt something for Felicia at the end of her logs.

5) The final interview was good; it ties up the ending and shows that he is being exploited from multiple different angles. That being said, I'm biased towards stuff that shows the Foundation as antagonistic. You could easily end it with the Discovery Log, or even with the Company Missive.

6) I think the style is okay. Although "Files: 1998" and "Interview 1" don't have close tabs at the bottom of their collapsibles, whereas the rest do.

7) It does get that message across, but it only really became clear SCP-XXXX was being exploited near the end. The exploration of SCP-XXXX's relationship with his friends detracts from the exploitation narrative because it is the main focus. The fact that SCP-XXXX is being exploited is a second thought.

8) The "grief buddies" scene is the video log with SCP-XXXX and Felicia? It works, and it introduces Harvey and tells the reader that he's a bitch. The reference to Felicia's partner feels a little out of place because it took me a minute to work out that he wasn't one of the previously-mentioned characters. I also don't really understand how SCP-XXXX is helping Felicia.

Last edited on 18 Mar 2021 17:45 by tawnyowljones Show more

Re: Prometheus Labs: Acquisitions

Zoobeeny 18 Mar 2021 18:41

Woohoo, time for answers:

ansors?

I'm not too sure how to introduce and characterize the other characters without bloating the narrative, to be honest. I'm thinking I might simply focus on characterizing the SCP more. So instead of making the reader empathize with the SCP, they should sympathize. They should feel bad for the SCP, not for the people who died (as terrible as that sounds).

They're not actually hunting Sarkics. Their work for Prometheus is basically "go to places where anomalous things are, and take them." It just happened to be an old Sarkic base this time. Though I should get rid of that since they're not as prevalent as they initially were.

The SCP isn't capable of going through the mirror because it isn't able to interact with anomalous behaviors. The mirror's anomalous behavior is to be a portal. Thus, the SCP interacts with it as if it were just a solid surface.

I understand how the "everybody dies" video log can pull away from the rest of the narrative. At the same time, I also don't want a message being just like, "they're all dead." (To be honest though, the original narrative was SCP's friends all die because of the SCP thinking his anomaly made him invincible.)

As such, I think my current goal is to focus on characterizing the SCP more, and highlight the exploitation more in the "everybody dies" log, just to keep that in focus.