Dino Friend Wants to Play Video Games

Summary:

No unsolicited crit, please!

Dino Friend Wants to Play Video Games

Truc Linh 27 Feb 2021 07:32

No unsolicited crit, please! I've already messaged 2 reviewers and want to keep it a low number at a time for easier management. I feel obligated to write a reply to each one, and when reviewers drop unasked feedback, I get extremely stressed because I have more things I need to address at one certain time.

Greenlights:

• http://www.scpwiki.com/forum/t-13764047/dino-friend-wants-to-play-video-games#post-4785709
• http://scp-wiki.wikidot.com/forum/t-14002397/dino-friend-wants-to-play-video-games#post-4896370

Under the Drafts tab, click the collapsible titled “Dino Friend Wants to Play Video Games”: http://scp-sandbox-3.wikidot.com/truc-linh

Word count: 720

General areas of concern:

• Clinical tone: I felt confident until right after the containment procedures.
• Emotional impact: as an emotionally repressed young adult, this was extremely tough for me to pull off in the emotional aspects. I wanted the audience to feel sympathy for both the SCP and the elderly lady through the events and addendums. I also aimed to display the brother as someone who is silly and lovable to get readers emotionally invested. Was I able to achieve what I intended?
• The addendum: should there be typos in the letter to make it more realistic? Does it seem like a type of letter an older brother would write to his sister while away and serving in a different country?
• The names: do the names fit the characters? I picked Duri because it meant two or a couple in Korean to indicate that she was never meant to be alone and Kyung-Soon because it meant honorable and gentle which may be fitting for his role. I’m open to other name suggestions, though!

Last edited on 28 Feb 2021 05:20 by Truc Linh Show more

Re: Dino Friend Wants to Play Video Games

REDESERT 27 Feb 2021 10:56

Hello Truc Linh!

Noting I'm very new to draft crit (please excuse any mistakes)

SAND

+ show block

Clinical tone: I felt confident until right after the containment procedures.

I'd say for the most part the article stayed clinical.- I'm not particularly an expert in this area though.

As for the emotional impact, I feel there needs to be more development on both the skip and the characters involved (considering the angle you're going for). Currently there isn't really enough time to get to know the characters beyond the discovery incident, or much time to see what happens to the skip beyond the discovery.

-Maybe there could be a couple test logs or other letters to help establish the characters and skip a bit more?- adding in some extra context/story could also help with a stronger payoff and conflict, as currently the narrative feels a bit too open ended IMO.

Let me know if want any further crit, I look forward to any responses :)

Cheers,

RED

Re: Dino Friend Wants to Play Video Games

Impperatrix 28 Feb 2021 04:31

I'm Flight Officer Impparatrix!

+ And here some Crits!

SCP-XXXX is an animate and sentient dinosaur amiibo

Amiibo like the Nintendo figurines? A footnote explaining this would fit here.

the following document contains the context of the letter obtained by Foundation agents.

There was nothing before citing a letter. This part of the addendum seems very confuse.

So, the overview. If you want me to feel empathy for the characters, you need to show more about them. None of the characters that are important to the story (the skip, the brother, and the sister) are really explored. You can show more about them in various ways before using the letter as the last addendum to the article. I suggest an interview with the skip as soon as he's recovered, maybe some tests with it, some conversations with the psychologist, etc. When creating a sentient and sapient SCP, you need to explore his personality, identity, and emotions and you're failing to do it.

The idea of the narrative is good and what is written now can be kept, but you'll need to expand the article if you want it to be a good story.

Good Luck and good writing!

Re: Dino Friend Wants to Play Video Games

Sonderance 04 Mar 2021 07:56

Placeholder! Got summoned via PM to take a look-see. Will crit in a bit!

Alright, here's my take(s).

+ Line-by-Line

Apologies in advance if this isn't very good! I'm not really a LbL critter, but your piece was succinct enough that I tried to give it a shot anyway. ^_^

Containment Procedures:

SCP-XXXX is to be housed at Site-11 within a modified humanoid containment cell providing basic bedroom furnish and Site approved recreational objects.

Would it be “furniture”? I’d also recommend a – for “Site-approved”. Also, I tend to use present tense when talking about containment procedures that are currently in effect, but that might be a preference.

Description:

SCP-XXXX is an animate and sentient dinosaur amiibo possessing the ability to transform its enclosed surroundings into an augmented reality video game simulation with SCP-XXXX acting as administrator.

• Not quite sure if ‘animate’ is used properly here.
• Is it sentient or sapient? ‘Sentient’ is being able to feel things, ‘sapient’ is being able to think things. I can see it being either here, but I'd like to make sure, you know?
• Amiibo probably isn’t clinical tone either, though you could probably patch together something about it being an NFC-enabled toy.

A simulation will persist for approximately three hours before ending; after a simulation has ended, the affected area and subjects return to normal, and SCP-XXXX will enter a resting state.

“return to normal” might not be clinical tone.

Discovery:

SCP-XXXX was discovered from an event following a 911 emergency call.

The “from an event” part feels unnecessary here.

The senior woman in the call vocalized severe symptoms of paralysis, and first responders were dispatched into the area.

“The senior woman in the call” feels awkward here. Maybe just “An elderly woman”, since the call is implied by the previous sentence?

First responders who arrived were hesitant to enter the premises due to SCP-XXXX's ability currently active.

• “due to SCP-XXXX’s ability currently active” makes it sound like this is currently taking place and is clunky besides. Maybe “due to SCP-XXXX’s ability, which was active at the time”?
• “First responders who arrived” echoes ‘first responders’ from the previous line, which hits the ear weird, and ‘who arrived’ might be unnecessary. Maybe something like “Upon arrival, first responders…” and remove the previous mention of them?

Once entered, first responders found the woman passed out on the floor with SCP-XXXX nudging against her.

• “Once entered” is a little awkward, if that makes sense.
• Is ‘passed out’ clinical tone? Maybe ‘unconscious?

Later reports confirmed that the woman suffered from a stroke and had died.

• Wait, was she passed out or dead?
• “suffered from a stroke and had died” can probably be condensed somehow. Maybe “had died as a result of a stroke”?

Law enforcement notified the Foundation of the incident, and SCP-XXXX, willingly, was taken into Foundation custody.

“and SCP-XXXX, willingly, was taken…” feels a bit clunky, but that might be subjective.

Addendum-XXXX:

No Line-by-Line for this one, since letters and the like don’t need the same rigorous clinical tone.

+ Overall

To start, I’m having mixed feelings about the letter. It’s certainly well-written and feels very human, but it’s odd to think that a soldier would go that long without corresponding with his kid sister, especially in 2038 (when presumably communication via phones and the like will be even easier). With that in mind, the anecdote in the beginning feels disconnected from the gift, if that makes sense. If Duri already considers Kyung-Soon as a ‘dinosaur man’, why does he need to bring up that story except to segue into the gift?

Besides that, the actual story here is lovely! It took a minute to sink in, but the idea that this woman has held on to this childhood toy and uses it to remember her brother is well-insinuated and very sweet. I will say, though, that I’d like some input from SCP-XXXX, if that makes sense. Duri isn't quite in this as a character yet, and getting dialogue from SCP-XXXX feels like a way to paint a clearer picture of how she has been using her brother’s gift. But that’s purely an opinion.

If you respond to this comment and would like me to see it, please send me a Wikidot PM, as I will not be notified otherwise.

Last edited on 06 Mar 2021 07:27 by Sonderance Show more