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http://scp-sandbox-3.wikidot.com/mooagain
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Things I'm concerned about:
Is the story too predictable? I tried not to make it too obvious what was going on, but it's hard to know just how subtle I really am.
Do the jokes land? This article is less joke focused than my previous two, and I'm not sure if I did a good job leaving the comfort zone.
Here:
I will start off with your writing. The article really needs some work and heavy editing due to its grammatical errors, constant breaks in clinical tone, and the spacing (as well as comma and period placements) issues. Pacing-wise, it was pretty fine. Format-wise, I kinda find it lacking in something. I think the description for SCP-XXXX really needed to be expansive, as well as (in my opinion) maybe adding a recovery section? I believe it would benefit your article when it comes with the readers forming connection with the characters, the narrative, and other stuff.
When it comes with the story, I'm not going to lie, I find it entertaining enough, from top to bottom. How I understand it, it was about a demon "overlord" reminiscent of SCP-2662, but the fact that the featured creature is a Judeo-Christian demon (in my opinion) with minions that both looked like Doom creatures set it apart from that article, and the anomaly was centered in the SCP human, not the demons themselves.
Tales, SCP documentations and non-SCP stories revolving around "friendly" horrifying-looking monsters appeals to me mainly because of that feeling where you expect them to utterly evil and downright destructive, but ended up exhibiting instead behaviors that you would expectly see from an average person. The way the creatures casually do things were comical, and skits like these would definitely take an upvote out of me if I see this in the mainsite as a reader (assuming that all of the grammatical errors all over the articles were addressed).
As it is, like I said in the first paragraph, it needs some editing because the mistakes were too distracting from an otherwise entertaining SCP. In its current form, I would abstain in voting yet. Would like to see the improved version of this in the future.
One of the things that could result in the article not being received by the community was the clinical tone constantly seen breaking off, like how casual the researchers and SCP-XXXX are. I do find it more hilarious if SCP-XXXX were distressed along the way, along with the Foundation personnel while the demon cultists were doing their routine offerings and whatnot.
The inconsistency I would like to point out was in the ending, where people, despite them being unable to see the entity, would require amnesticization, which would otherwise could just be dismissed as a disaster caused by the building's old age. If it was because of the entity's limited power in invisibility, it was not explicitly stated (or the document did not reveal that the people showed signs that they perceive it if it was truly the case).
Secondly was the description of the flames in the Description section, where the flames was described as nothing less than a "short burst of flames" and then the next, a "wall of flames".
1) As I have stated in the Analysis section, the humane behavior of the demons.
2) The document was very entertaining, moreso if the grammatical errors were addressed by the author.
3) Idea and core concept was hilarious that I like it.
4) Although I have mixed thoughts about the human characters, the demon characters are definitely the heart of the story, and the upvotes relies on your portayal of them in your document (aside of your proper execution of the clinical tone. Assuming that you ended up lack with this, and the demon characters will act as your document's lifeline for its survivality in the mainsite, in my opinion because, as a reader, I was drawn to them and their antics gave me a good impression. I don't speak for the others though).
1) The SPaG and the clinical tone. I do advise addressing this first and foremost before you move on with tweaking the characters or the narrative. But for your convenience, I actually think you revise the story and the characters based on what I suggested before you go with SPaG since doing SPaG first might result with you wasting your time for having to do scan it for errors after you made a rewrite.
2) Ask for second opinion. Since I only speak for myself here, I do think asking for second opinions as well as garnering support would help you. I see this draft in a positive light, but I am not sure what the others think.
Just a bunch of worthless commentary in the bits that I liked.
SCP-XXXX, often requesting some sort of gift, usually in the form of luck or guidance. Less frequently, the message will thank SCP-XXXX for answering one of the previous requests
The fact that the draft's title gave away as to whom this voice belonged to made me grin like an idiot here.
A plastic bag of hallucinogenic mushrooms.
Just highlighting this out of entertainment XD
A Big Mac burger from the restaurant chain McDonald's.
I'm starting to love this skip!
SCP-XXXX: Honestly, it's not that bad. The cell is bigger than my apartment, and I don't have to worry about rent anymore.
HAHAHAHA!
SCP-XXXX: Hello? Is this the Foundation?
Very casual XD
For me, this line alone was a meme among my small circle of friends whenever we see something weird on the internet.
SCP-XXXX: They just dropped me at the altar and stared at me for a while. Then they all kneeled and started bringing me stuff. Like the same things I was getting before, just hand delivered.
This line got me. I can't keep my laughter XD
SCP-XXXX: Not really. Some of them thanked me for things I didn't do, like curing their sick friends, getting them promotions at work, or offing their rivals.
What?! I couldn't imagine a creature matching the description earlier of doing an office work XD
Then they bring me back and give me even more stuff while they apologize for not giving me enough before.
It's pretty hilarious since the demons kinda looked like a Doom monster.
This entity, designated SCP-XXXX-A, is vaguely humanoid, with green skin and small mouths in the place of eyes.
I think this should be described in the Description section, but I got a feeling that the entity wouldn't appear frequently all over the document. Just a suggestion.
I'm just here to grab lunch while I'm in town. These nutcases wouldn't know holy if it bit them in the ass,
ARGH! The author really have a good sense of humor.
I'm really sorry about all of this
For a demon, he's kinda nice XD
Good luck with your religion.
XD
SCP-XXXX-A: Yes Mom, I told him I was sorry.
This line over here would be the reason why I will upvote this. XD
Best of luck with your draft!
Hello! I'm Flight Officer Impperatrix!
SCP-XXXX currently in the custody of GoI-667.
Remember that you're writing this article as someone responsible for the SCP is reading. This person needs to know who GoI-667 and needs to know as soon as you refer to them.
an unidentified voice audible only to SCP-XXXX
Some examples of items received have been compiled below.
Maybe I'm just being annoying here, but I suggest that you create a designation for both the voice and the objects, possibly SCP-XXXX-2 and SCP-XXXX-3. It's just a suggestion!
3. Drained of blood.
Remove it. Just say "Three completely exsanguinated Canadian geese" or something like this.
They charged towards SCP-XXXX's containment room, broke down the door, carried SCP-XXXX back into the fire, and vanished.
This description makes it feels like the Foundation did not attempt to protect the guy. Suggest you specify it better or make a log about the event.
On 24/02/21, A call was made to the Sheriff's department in Jacksonville, Florida. Upon identification of the caller as SCP-XXXX, the call was transferred to Site-63.
So… How did they know SCP Foundation's telephone number?
SCP-XXXX: Hello? Is this the Foundation?
Saying it out loud sounds very strange.
GoI-667
Reading about them, I would not call them a GoI, but a "piece" of the SCP itself, their followers. Just a suggestion here.
SCP-XXXX-A
-A is an important figure to the narrative, but as they just appear at the end of the story, their importance is diminished. I suggest that you give more clues about -A existence from the beginning.
It's a good narrative, but I feel that you need a better ending for it right now. -A's escape is not so impactful as it would need to be. Also, it seems like the Foundation simply doesn't care about the skip, letting them be kidnapped and not even trying to recover them. I mean, that's implicit that letting the red guys keep the SCP is the better and cheapest way to protect it, but no one talks about it, they just accept things as they are.
As I said before, the skip has many faces. The voices/aliens are a piece of the skip, the offerings are a part of the skip, and you need to pay some attention to them too. Talk about the alien society!
Also, search about Akiva Radiation and Thoughtforms. I know the story is a comedy and that your headcanon may not contain these things, but they are interesting to read if you're going to a deity skip. My recommendations are SCP-5866 and SCP-5659, as they are skips that use these ideas and that are familiar to me.
Good luck and good writing!
Hi there Mooagain , let's take a look at your draft.
Overall:
This was a pretty fun read. The mental image of a bunch of demonic creatures worshiping this regular guy with complete faith is just funny to me. That being said, it felt like the tone and narrative took a turn towards the second half. While the rest of the article is filled with rather funny imagery and ideas, the log detailing the sorrowful and heartfelt apology from the the green demon felt out of place. It may just be me, but I couldn't tell if the scene was meant to be humorous, with this demon crying/drooling out of his eye-mouths, or actually genuine.
For your main character, he's an almost unbelievably chill guy. I mean, he's taken in by a secret organization, then abducted by demons, and he still doesn't seem phased. It's almost to the point where it breaks the suspension of disbelief and moves into a poorly written character, and I can't decide if that's the funnier way to go or if it would be funnier to make him have overdramatic/realistic reactions to everything happening to him.
Specific:
Less frequently, the message will thank SCP-XXXX for answering one of the previous requests.1
I don't really see a reason to put the rather important information that Mathews hasn't been able to fulfill any of the requests in a footnote. It's not supplementary or to help with defining an obscure term, so it should just be tacked on to the end of the sentence.
Three exsanguinated Canadian geese.3
The footnote should be after exsanguinated instead of geese.
Incident Report 18/02/21
This report could be broken up into two or three, as it describes events that happen on different occasions and that don't all relate to the demons taking Mathews.
Watts: No, I heard you the first time. It's just…. wha..?
Funny, but Watts is a doctor and he sounds like he's a teenager or in a sitcom here. Just feels a little unprofessional.
The entity negotiated an agreement with the Foundation, on the terms that SCP-XXXX would remain in the custody of the entities responsible for its capture,4
Knowing that GoI-667 are the entities is another piece of rather important information that's left behind a footnote.
Maybe. The point is, I am truly, deeply sorry for any harm my actions may have caused, and I hope we can come to an understanding someday.
As I mentioned earlier, it a little hard to tell if this scene is actually trying to be heartfelt or not. If it is trying to be heartfelt, it doesn't really blend with the rest of the rest of the article's tone, so I'd recommend leaving it out. If it's trying to be funny, I'd just exaggerate it, cut back on the heartfelt words, and shorten it to get that idea across.
Three days later, SCP-XXXX-A was seen by an undercover Foundation staff member in a crowded food court in Vatican City, speaking on the phone to an unknown individual. Civilians in the area did not seem to acknowledge SCP-XXXX-A's inhuman appearance.
This scene doesn't really make sense. How could the Foundation agent see his true form when nobody else did? It is because they were also around XXXX at some point? In any case, instead of having an agent randomly see them on the street, maybe the Foundation sends a camera drone to XXXX so they can use it to further observe -A, which is how they hear this conversation.
Advice:
Narrative wise, I like the short, humorous story you've written here. There's not really any need for a conclusion since there aren't any serious themes or plot lines to be resolved. I'd just recommend fixing the minor things I mentioned above.
As for an alternative and more unique title, I'm not great with names, but maybe something like "The Reluctant God/Deity"? Or maybe something serious sounding that contrasts with the actual article, like "The Demon God / The God of Demons"?
Feel free to contact me via PM if you have any questions or would like me to do a follow up, as I might not see it otherwise. Good luck with your draft!
Alright, my friend, here I am with a fabled review.
Okay so I wasn't initially sure about how I would feel going into this one. The end bits made it worth the read though, however, I feel like you could have capitalized on the dark humor aspect of this a lot more than you did in the first log. The others all have some kind of punchline to them, i.e. the SCP accidentally calling Watts a real shit, Watts electing to leave the SCP in the alternate dimension, etc. The first one is rather bland by comparison. I suppose you could say that this is needed to establish normalcy, but I think you should establish the tone here as opposed to the second log.
That being said, this was hilariously dark. One of my favorite types of humor honestly.
You also don't need the footnote above the "exsanguinated", as most readers can infer the meaning given the context of the article. The mushrooms don't really come into play later in the piece, nor do the spicy pineapple or the geese. Perhaps find a way to relate these to the SCP or the demon's culture so they aren't tacked on information? Maybe the SCP likes pineapple on his pizza. Demonic justification right there haha.
I wonder if calling them GoI-666 is too on the nose. It's something I would consider. Maybe find another cursed/unholy number?
The SCP and SCP-A are characterized really well. I love that he has to tell his mom that he's condemned another soul to a lifetime of ritualistic sacrifices and unwanted gifts!
I think that's all I've got for you though. Good luck!
~ M.D.R.
SCP-XXXX currently in the custody of GoI-667
Should be "SCP-XXX is currently"
Do you think you did anything to cause that outbreak?
I think you meant outburst here? That or I missed a line about demon smallpox. Oh god, that must be
awful…
That's all for SPaG! The article's pretty published in this regard!
I really liked the Demon Cult1, really did. I loved the article, in fact. At first, when reading the first Addendum, I thought it was just gonna be some guy a bunch of teens were sacrificing stuff to. Then he got kidnapped by demons, and I thought actual demons were pissed off at him for taking business away from them. Then they started worshipping him, then -A came along. Throughout the entire article, I kept excepting one thing to happen only for something even better to happen. I loved every twist and turn this article took, and it left me wanting even more. Like Mars said above, I really enjoyed the character of XXXX and -A, especially the latter. He was just an amazing character, despite how little we saw of him.
I love the article, and I love the Holy Church of Ben. I really hope this makes it's way onto the mainlist!
Finally,
how do i join the holy church of ben?
top writes and writes and writes and writes and writes and writes and writes and writes and writes and writes and writes and writes and writes and writes and writes and writes and writes and writes and writes and writes and writes and writes and writes and writes and writes and writes and writes and writes and writes and writes and writes and writes and writes and writes and writes and writes.
Sorry for the delay!
Any objects created by SCP-XXXX-1 events are to be removed from the cell and brought placed in storage to await testing.
This should be either 'placed in storage' or 'brought into storage' (probably the former imo). RN it doesn't make sense
SCP-XXXX's only known anomalous properties are referred to as SCP-XXXX-1 events, which occur around SCP-XXXX seemingly at random.
This sentence sounds like it's worded really clunkily for me, like the 'only know anomalous properties are referred to as' seems like it's a very roundabout way of describing that these events happen to him. If you don't mention any other anomalous abilities, we can assume that -1 is the only one. Maybe putting the second clause, reworded a bit, first might look better? idk.
SCP-XXXX: Thanks for the help Doc.
This might be more of a personal gripe but whenever anyone calls a Foundation Researcher 'Doc.' it really pulls me out - I don't think I've ever heard anyone refer to anyone like that, especially some random 23 year old they just pulled off the streets.
Other than these, and even the last 2 here are pretty minor issues, the clinical tone seems solid by my reading, but it's not my strongest point either so idk.
Like usual, this is an absolute banger and the comedy definitely hits for me - easy +1 with the mentioned stuff above sorted. I think the story strikes the balance of unpredictable and coherent well. Nothing felt too out of the blue that it doesn't work, and I really didn't see either of the last two addendums coming.
My main complaint with the narrative is that the doctor comes off as weirdly acidic (and not in a particularly amusing way) in the call where they tell XXXX he's not coming back. Lines like "We do want to study you. And this new method has garnered far more insight than previous attempts." don't hit the funny bone with how clinical they are, and seem out of tone to me. Maybe it's just this line that needs redoing or the section needs shortening if it's purpose is to indirectly introduce XXXX-A, but it makes that section feel off compared to the rest of the article to me.
Sorry this ones a bit short! I do genuinely love most of what you've got here, so I didn't have much to pick up on, but I hope this was some help.
