Provider of the Poor

Summary:

A taste of wealth

Provider of the Poor

Internas 25 Feb 2021 15:55

Seeking Greenlights: Yes

Page Type: Tale

Genre (Optional): Drama/Emotional

Page Layout (Optional): Standard

Elevator Pitch: A wealthy-looking is reported to be wandering the streets of high population areas offering "temporary financial salvation at the price of one's sanity". This SCP specifically targets those who are impoverished, the more decrepit the person the higher chance they have of encountering SCP-XXX.

Central Narrative: (provided through an interview) Upon acceptance the individual experiences a year or two of "luck" turning things in his favor, most end up as extremely wealthy men, (often CEOS of minor companies) and a happy prospering family. However, after an extended period of time the affected person wll experience a streak of bad luck, usually ending up ono the street once more.

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Hook/Attention-Grabber: I forgot how to explain this but here we go. If you experience something you've always wanted but then get it taken away does that ease your want or increase it?

Additional Notes: I would definitely appreciate help incorporating the entity into the article more, right now it feels like the majority of the article would be on the people the SCP affected.

As a courtesy to our readers on mobile devices, please collapse long posts. ~Zyn

Last edited on 28 Feb 2021 17:28 by Internas Show more

Re: Provider of the Poor

Internas 28 Feb 2021 17:44

Ok, I've gotten 2 reviews now saying that this probably wouldn't do well as an article. For that reason, I will continue to write this as a Tale instead.

Plenty of people can be greedy and make smart investments and be lucky. The guy's downfall here doesn't seem to be solely greed-related; arguably the dumb actions he takes and his luck randomly running out cause him more strife than the greed itself.

So overall I think the whole greed thing is quite forced and I intend to remove it as soon as I get a better idea. I think I'll take a tip from Cyberspyd and put more motivation behind this than, a "god trying to improve humanity" type thing. And I'll admit, looking at it from an angle a bunch of unlucky events leading to him ending up back on the streets definitely seems forced. Perhaps the entity offered him deliverance from poverty in exchange for the manipulation of a company that could potentially lead to the release of several anomalies, digging deeper into the entity's intentions the narrator rebels against the entity and is thrown back onto the streets.

Last edited on 28 Feb 2021 21:17 by Internas Show more

Re: Provider of the Poor

Dr Hajovsky 26 Feb 2021 02:40

Hi there Cole Protocol_117, let's take a look at your article.

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Overall:
I like the simplicity of your idea. The concept you've crafted serves as an good tool to explore the themes that you've laid out, such as what one would give up to have wealth. However, I feel that the concept is still missing that extra bit to keep readers interested and invested. As it is right now, it's an entertaining idea, but it feels like it needs an extra twist or property.

Specific:

A middle-eastern man is reported to be wandering the streets of high population areas offering "financial salvation at the price of one's mortality".

It's fair to say that a random person coming up to you and offering extreme wealth in return for your immortality would likely be seen as some kind of scam. I think the entity should just target the extremely impoverished, or perhaps those who have for whatever reason just fallen from a position of power. These people would be more likely to accept such a sketchy offer.

most end up as fairly wealthy men with stable jobs and a happy prospering family

This doesn't feel extreme enough. A person who was blessed by an entity capable of altering the whims of fate should probably end up extremely wealthy just based on the concept. Sure, they would be tortured by the memories of stability and happiness that are now gone as you describe, but a larger fall, such as going from a millionaire to living on the street fits the concept a bit better.

I would definitely appreciate help incorporating the entity into the article more, right now it feels like the majority of the article would be on the people the SCP affected.

I don't see this as a bad thing. Sure, you could expand upon the entities backstory, but the real meat of the article lies in describing the experience of someone who made the deal.

Advice:
As I just mentioned, the best area to expand this concept would be in an interview done with someone who became rich thanks to the entity and is now impoverished. An interview is a simple way of describing the themes of your story from a human perspective. This allows you to use dialogue to really get across the feelings of loss, pain, and regret that someone in this situation would be feeling. Come up with a relatable and understandable backstory for the character who's going to be interviewed, and allow their story to answer the question you posed in your hook.

Feel free to contact me though PM if you have any questions or want me to do a follow up, as I might not see it otherwise. Good luck with your concept!

Re: Provider of the Poor

Internas 26 Feb 2021 03:07

It's fair to say that a random person coming up to you and offering extreme wealth in return for your immortality would likely be seen as some kind of scam.

Ah yes. This is something I intended on adding but completely forgot…my bad. The SCP will specifically target those who are extremely impoverished, those people who look 90 years old sitting next to the sketchy drug store, that type of person.

I think that maybe, having experienced extreme poverty would be enough for a decent life to seem glorious, however, if I can find a way to make it not so over the top I will definitely increase their temporary success.

Thank you for the help and I will be sure to PM you once I have rewritten it
edit:PMed

Last edited on 26 Feb 2021 13:39 by Internas Show more

Re: Provider of the Poor

Zyn 27 Feb 2021 06:27

Got a PM about this, took a quick look. I admit that I'm kind of immediately iffy on the concept since the specific mention of the entity being "middle-eastern" doesn't seem immediately related or necessary to the narrative, and the premise of "This SCP specifically targets those who are impoverished, the more decrepit the person the higher chance they have of encountering SCP-XXX" seems to kind of lump all "impoverished" people together into one indistinguishable population without taking into account cultural differences and such.

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He describes himself as a godsend, man's cure to greed.

This admittedly has 049 vibes to me and comes off more as cheesy than profound. It also doesn't seem consistent with what the entity actually makes happen, since becoming a CEO and having a happy family aren't necessarily immediately associated with greed. Also, having lots of money and little knowledge of how to manage it can make someone more stressed out and paranoid than happy.

These individuals most likely end up dead or on the street, insane, tortured by the memories of being wealthy.

When their luck run's out they can feel their life, their success, slipping through their hands, they have nothing left, no money, no business, no family. No purpose, it is because of this most of these victims are found dead products of suicide.

Personally for me this just feels distasteful, especially the suicide angle. Also, given that part of the effect includes "the family members' risk of "accidents" quickly increases" this doesn't seem like a story about the natural human response to greed, it's more just this random powerful entity who messes with people to try and teach them a nebulous lesson that they don't really learn because they just end up dead. Both the original success and the subsequent downfall are more artificial and manipulated than genuine stories of gain and loss; this makes me as a reader skeptical and much less emotionally invested.

Sorry, overall I personally don't see this working on the mainsite. The entity's motives are unclear, the "lesson" being taught is muddled in inconsistency and poor execution, the suicide ending feels extremely forced, and at the end as a reader I'm just confused. Maybe this would work as a tale or GoI article that could explore the actual motives and origins of the entity in more detail, but I feel like there isn't enough meat to the anomaly itself to make for a solid SCP article.

Last edited on 27 Feb 2021 06:28 by Zyn Show more

Re: Provider of the Poor

Internas 27 Feb 2021 19:35

Alright here to clarify somethings, first off, the whole greed thing was something not very thought through on my part and I intend to remove it right after I write this response. The main narrative is about a man who was granted immense luck and rose from being someone living on the street to a wealthy man who lives a privileged and happy life. He decides he want more, he tries to take over the company and puts more money in the stock market rhan he ever has before, his greed blinds him and he ignores all consequences. However, the being who granted him this luck has decided his time has run out and things start to go wrong, he's ejected from his seat on the company's board, and his investments in the stock market crash. The small bit of money he has left goes towards his son's cancer treatment and his wife leaves him, not because she doesn't love him but because he can no longer provide for the family. Once again he finds himself peddling on the streets and he blames his problems on the entity and money. He no longer has a family because he has no money and he believes he was reaching too far because of his greed. The foundation finds him and offers compensation in return for information about the entity, he provides them with his story but refuses the money saying he wont take more than he needs.

Some changes I intend to make to the article:
1. Remove the suicidal part, I might make this one of the only times this entity has appeared to people.
2. The whole cure to greed was a last minute thing to try and justify this entity's actions, that will be removed
3. I need to take some time to think throught this entity's intent, I will make sure to PM you after further revisions

Re: Provider of the Poor

Zyn 28 Feb 2021 03:35

He decides he want more, he tries to take over the company and puts more money in the stock market rhan he ever has before, his greed blinds him and he ignores all consequences. However, the being who granted him this luck has decided his time has run out and things start to go wrong, he's ejected from his seat on the company's board, and his investments in the stock market crash. The small bit of money he has left goes towards his son's cancer treatment and his wife leaves him, not because she doesn't love him but because he can no longer provide for the family.

The issue here is that it's not just greed that causes the guy to end up in the situation he finds himself in. Plenty of people can be greedy and make smart investments and be lucky. The guy's downfall here doesn't seem to be solely greed-related; arguably the dumb actions he takes and his luck randomly running out cause him more strife than the greed itself. That muddles the narrative and the big picture meaning of the piece. If you want the audience to genuinely feel for the guy, the consequences of his actions need to seem realistic and reasonable, and not just authorial meddling-induced contrived misfortunes to force the sad ending.

Re: Provider of the Poor

cybersqyd 28 Feb 2021 10:46

This feels stronger to me as a tale than a SCP article; there's not really any foundation presence here like I would expect in a SCP article, but it doesn't necessarily feel strong as a tale.

I think, at it's crux, my issue is mostly that there's not really any like… big hook to the narrative? It feels like a classic 'taking a bad deal' kinda story without any real reason for us to get invested beyond that; and without any kind of like…stakes or anything dangling over this.

The entity providing the temporary financial salvation here feels odd like, I guess my question is 'why do they do this?'. There's no real component of them getting revenge, or benefiting from this or even like, getting enjoyment out of it so it just kinda feels… odd. And I wonder whether tying them in more and having like, the temporary success of the person be tied into the entity needing something (like, what if the entity needed e.g. someone to design a specific thing and figured out a way to get the dude into a position to do that say).

Re: Provider of the Poor

Dr Hajovsky 01 Mar 2021 04:13

Summoned Back Via PM

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"temporary financial salvation at the price of one's sanity"

This doesn't quite alleviate my concern that the entity would seem rather shady. I feel that the entity should have more of a genie aspect to it, where it uses clever word play to get you to agree but then changes the wish. As is, it still feels like very few people, even in extreme poverty, would accept this offer.

(provided through an interview) Upon acceptance the individual experiences a year or two of "luck" turning things in his favor,

Since you decided to turn this into a tale, proper characterization is going to be even more important. I'd like to see some details describing the specific experience of the person being interviewed as well as a few of their personality traits. Perhaps a brief description of what their life was before they took the deal as well, since that would create a greater contrast between the beginning and the middle of the experience.

However, after an extended period of time the affected person wll experience a streak of bad luck, usually ending up ono the street once more.

This is all well and good, but I can't see how it connects to the entity's deal of losing one's sanity in return for financial salvation. Insanity doesn't gel with poverty on a thematic level, at least not in the concept you've laid out.

digging deeper into the entity's intentions the narrator rebels against the entity and is thrown back onto the streets.

This seems rather odd since the entity already has the ability to manipulate luck. Why would they enlist a human to do their bidding? It feels like this needs some more explanation.

Overall, I like the concept better as a tale, but some large clarifications and details need to be added so the added material can make sense and flow.