The fallen angel

Summary:

A young girl that appears normal when you first meet her, but isn't really all that human....

The fallen angel

Dr Kat Moon 23 Feb 2021 16:11

Seeking Green-lights:Yes

Page Type:SCP article

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Elevator Pitch:SCP-XXXX appears to be a young girl of British descent, with gold eyes. Subject is usually attracted to those that have recently lost a loved one, people with a mental illness, or those who have suicidal thoughts. The entity will try to help them with the person's problems, but will often fail at this, causing some of the human subjects to take their own lives.¹ SCP-XXXX has also shown that it has retractable wings on it's back, and can float at least 3 meters above ground. However, it can not do this on command.

Central Narrative: SCP-XXXX was discovered when an agent who had recently lost his boyfriend due to a containment breach was planning to take their own life. SCP-XXXX appeared and tried to stop the agent form killing himself, but it didn't work. The entity jumped off the cliff that the very same agent jumped off, and then came back up. Another agent saw what happened and reported it to her supervisor.

In interviews conducted by researchers to learn more about SCP-XXXX's origins, it told them that it could only remember a bit of before it got kicked out of "heaven" by it's "parent".² The doctors did not know why it said this, but a D class came up with a theory:

Okay, hear me out, you guys never listen to us criminals, but this is about SCP-XXXX. You know, that girl who keeps failing at trying to convince people to not kill themselves? Well, what if she was some sort of fallen angel kicked out of heaven because she did something bad? Maybe she killed people with no remorse. I don't know, you guys wouldn't care. Well, it was worth a shot.

In the year 2015, the same D class had developed depression and was ready to take their own life. However, SCP-XXXX was attempting to convince them to not kill them-self. Just before they stabbed them-self, the entity grabbed the knife.

Hook/Attention-Grabber:Whenever SCP-XXXX is shown anything connected to any kind of religion, it shows disdain and worry towards it. When questioned about this, the entity stated that it had no idea why this happens, it just is a gut feeling.

Additional Notes:Is this a good Idea for an SCP?

Footnotes

1. The people who had suicidal thoughts will usually be the ones to take their own lives.

2. It doesn't remember what gender the parent was.

Last edited on 26 Feb 2021 15:31 by Dr Kat Moon Show more

Re: The fallen angel

Dr Hajovsky 24 Feb 2021 03:39

Hi there Dr Kat Moon, let's take a look at your concept.

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Overall:
After looking over the concept, I'd have to say it was missing too things: well defined character motivations and a conclusion.

It's unclear as to why the angel is here and why it specifically tries to help people with mental issues. Sure, it is an angel, but if it's motivation is so pure, then why is it 'fallen' and why does it show disdain toward the Catholic religion? These are things that can be expanded upon.

As for a conclusion, a good conclusion wraps up the ideas presented in the story in a satisfying way. As it is right now, all we know is that the girl failed to prevent a suicide and was then taken in by the Foundation. We need some kind of addenda that details where the story goes from there. How can you expand upon the girl's conflict of never being able to save anybody? What does the Foundation learn from her?

Specific:

The entity will try to help them with the person's problems, but will often fail at this, causing some of the human subjects to take their own lives

How exactly would the girl fail at this? I mean, if she just showed the people she's an angel (or at least looks and acts like a biblical angel), then most people would take it as a sign that God wanted them to live.

Advice:
It seems as though the girl has some sort of amnesia, or at least that's what I'm getting from the description. I'd consider removing this aspect if this is the case, since having no memories robs the story of interesting backstory.

As for how to write an interesting narrative, I'd focus on the backstory of the girl. Perhaps the little girl details leaving (or getting kicked out of) "heaven" because they were terrible at their assigned duty of helping those on the verge of committing suicide and were berated by their "Father" because of it. What I'm thinking is, the girl describes it in such a way that the Foundation can't tell if she really is an angel or just a very delusional and hurt child. (The child says their only purpose is to fulfill their duty and please their Father) The narrative could then center around a few interviews where we not only learn the aforementioned info, but we also learn that due to the incident you described, the girl is thinking it might be best if she didn't exist at all since she's so bad at her only purpose in life. However, by developing a relationship with the researcher, she's able to learn more about humans and psychology. At the end of the story, she'll manage to save someone about to commit suicide, effectively saving two lives, the person's and her own. In doing this, the arc is complete and it would be a nice story about what it means to have self worth and not giving up hope despite failure.

Another idea that might be fun to incorporate is finding an actual angle mentioned in the bible with similar duties/motivations and have them be the girl. It wouldn't be necessary to make the story work, but I think tie ins to certain religions make for great material.

Feel free to contact me if you have any questions or would like me to do a follow up, as I might not see it otherwise. Good luck with your concept!

Last edited on 24 Feb 2021 03:43 by Dr Hajovsky Show more

Re: The fallen angel

Dr Hajovsky 25 Feb 2021 02:50

Summoned Back Via PM

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Well, what if she was some sort of fallen angel kicked out of heaven because she did something bad? Maybe she killed people with no remorse. I don't know, you guys wouldn't care. Well, it was worth a shot.

I have to say, I'm not really following this, since I'm not sure what questions you're trying to raise by asking this. Is the point that the Foundation wouldn't care if the girl was a murderer? I mean, they wouldn't- since that she's being contained either way. If the point of raising the question is trying to get the readers invested and curious as to why the girl got kicked out of heaven, it doesn't really do much in terms of the story, since the conclusion doesn't make any mention of it or tie in. It's also worth noting that focusing on this question undermines the kindness that the girl displays at the end by (presumably) preventing the D-class from killing themselves. The reader can't really empathize with the girl's success if they're still wondering about her true motives.

More interviews were conducted, and then the researchers found out that the entity wasn't a delusional child. After looking on the internet, a researcher saw a picture that bore a striking resemblance to SCP-XXXX. After checking the picture, they found out that the picture was taken in 1944.

I feel this kind of detracts from the allure of biblical SCPs. For instance, in SCP-343, it's never explicitly stated in the article whether or not the entity is indeed the biblical God, or just a powerful individual with a strange personality. This adds to the story, as readers can build their own opinion as to whether the girl really is an angel or just an immortal child with strange properties. This helps the article stick with the reader as unresolved mysteries so often do.

SCP-XXXX was attempting to convince them to not kill them-self. Just before they stabbed them-self, the entity grabbed the knife.

It's not really clear, but since you didn't include anything after this, I'm assuming this is where you want to end the article. (My interpretation is that the article just ends in a cliffhanger as we're not sure what the girl does next?) If that's the case, while it does make for a good cliffhanger, I can't say it would make sense in the context of a Foundation report. Since these articles are meant to be akin to government documents, they would probably detail what happened after this point as well.

Overall, the article feels like it has a narrative now, but that narrative feels a bit disjointed. The themes don't appear to be consistent from beginning to end. While you could expand more in a written article, it feels like we're just getting exposition on the girl the entire time instead of exploring the emotions behind trying to prevent someone from committing suicide and failing repeatedly. The latter is what would make for a very interesting narrative, and as such is what I think should be the focus of the article. Ideally, the backstory of the girl should just be at the beginning, be concise, and serve as a foundation to build the emotion of the narrative upon.

Last edited on 25 Feb 2021 02:53 by Dr Hajovsky Show more

Re: The fallen angel

cybersqyd 25 Feb 2021 11:03

[+] Open for crit

SCP-XXXX has also shown that it has retractable wings on it's back, and can float at least 3 meters above ground. However, it can not do this on command.

So when can it do this? Like is it a response to stimulus? Something else? Also like this is the only real part of this that in anyway feels like it relies on the SCP being an angel.

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I'm, going to be honest. This idea just doesn't have a very interesting core to it: there's a lot of elements here but they never really come together to create a cohesive whole. Like, what's the running story here? The Foundation gradually learning more about the SCP? The SCP having to come to terms with their inability to help people? It feels like both are desperate to be present throughout this but they feel… completely separate and like this needs focus on something; on some kind of exploration of like, the emotional change within the SCP as it comes to terms with it's new status in life or something.

Also for something about a fallen angel, it seems entirely uninterested in the fall: like, there's no part of this that's about like, them grappling with something terrible they did and learning they can still do good, or that it's okay to not be perfect and to fail sometimes, and so it feels… irrelevant? Like this is a narrative that could work with basically… anything? Even someone non-anomalous who's like, a psychologist or something and keeps losing patients.

The discomfort with catholocism specifically also feels odd like… catholics aren't the only people that believe in angels; and it feels like you're effectively imposing a canon that catholicism is the true religion in here in an awkward way.