Dine O's (Redux)

Summary:

An old idea I had that, with a few tweaks, was with revisiting.

Dine O's (Redux)

CheeseGrater 23 Feb 2021 01:06

Seeking Greenlights: Yes

Page Type: SCP Article

Page Layout: Typical SCP article layout, with addendum.

Elevator Pitch: An anomalous entity that is visually identical to the dinosaur species Baryonyx, specifically the Baryonyx Kulik Inc. uses as the mascot of their Dine-Os cereal. Although it's chemical composition varies and resembles that of a sugary breakfast cereal. It also seems to have the intelligence to experience emotions on a near human level.

Central Narrative: The Article begins with the discovery of the entity in southeast Ukraine by a small MTF force who was sent out after various reports and local stories. The Operatives start to record their findings, and continue to do so for the rest of the article. The Operatives are immediately caught off guard as the entity escapes before they capture it. They continue to chase the entity down until it reaches a metropolitan area, where it cautiously begins to break into a Kulik Inc. factory and begins consuming ingredients used in the Dine-Os cereal. The operatives note that the Entity took severe caution to cause as little damage as possible to the factory, showing it values human life. The operatives continue to follow the Entity as it treks throughout Eastern Europe, discovering more and more about its personality and anomalous properties, as well as questioning Kulik Inc. executives. Eventually they cut it off the outskirts of a small town the operatives try their best to capture the entity, but it nearly fails, until the entity accidently kills one of the operatives. Realizing what it's done, the entity feels immense guilt. It soon lies down on the ground and allows itself to be contained. The operatives detail its last months in captivity, as it refuses to eat what the foundation provides it. It soon dies of starvation, putting and end to the entity.

Hook/Attention-Grabber: The entity is peaceful, and shows emotions o a human level, but due to its destructive nature, it has no other choice but to live a violent life to survive.

Additional Notes: I would like to note that I don't plan to make Kulik Inc. very important to the narrative. It's really only there to add onto the mystery of the entity.

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Re: Dine O's (Redux)

Impperatrix 23 Feb 2021 06:30

I'm Flight Officer Impperatrix…

...and here is my crit!

The operatives detail its last months in captivity, as it refuses to eat what the foundation provides it. It soon dies of starvation, putting and end to the entity.

So, I know what you're trying to do here, but you can't forget what SCP stands for: Secure, Contain Protect. As it's refusing to eat, it would become obvious that it's dealing with PTSD or something in that way, so the Foundation would try to treat it someway. The Foundation cares about their SCPs, that's why they are not destroying or killing them.

The entity is peaceful, and shows emotions o a human level, but due to its destructive nature, it has no other choice but to live a violent life to survive.

Personally, I would suggest focusing your narrative on the state that de dinosaur is after it accidentally murdered someone. Just some logs of soldiers tracking a monster made of Froot Loops is not so attractive as the emotions of the creature. If you're willing to show the emotions of the skip here, you need to focus on where the emotions would be shown.

I would like to note that I don't plan to make Kulik Inc. very important to the narrative.

Well, everything needs to have a motive to be on the narrative. You can't just leave a name loose within the lines. At least you'll have to know what's the function of Kulik here. Are they the creators of the skip? If yes, so why they did it? They are trying to contain it too? How they want it to behave? What help do they give to the Foundation? To summarize, what's their importance to the story?

And the Overall

You have a narrative, but you're focusing it strangely. You have a dinosaur with human emotions and kills it when it is showing lots of empathy, sadness, and regret! I suggest you create a narrative around its redemption and not in its bad behavior, teach him how to live in peace with itself and the people around it.

Also, you need to have a motive for Kulik here. If they created it, I suggest something "Frankenstein-ly" where they try to destroy it, but it just makes the creature eviler and, in the end, they just regret both creating it and hunting it.

These are just suggestions and I want to see what you plan for this skip!

Good luck and good writing!

Re: Dine O's (Redux)

CheeseGrater 23 Feb 2021 12:59

Thanks for the critique Impperatrix!

So, I know what you're trying to do here, but you can't forget what SCP stands for: Secure, Contain Protect. As it's refusing to eat, it would become obvious that it's dealing with PTSD or something in that way, so the Foundation would try to treat it someway. The Foundation cares about their SCPs, that's why they are not destroying or killing them.

I was planning on making the SCP Foundation try desperately to keep it alive in containment, with enough success to keep it alive for a few extra months.

Personally, I would suggest focusing your narrative on the state that de dinosaur is after it accidentally murdered someone. Just some logs of soldiers tracking a monster made of Froot Loops is not so attractive as the emotions of the creature. If you're willing to show the emotions of the skip here, you need to focus on where the emotions would be shown.

I could make it so the entity accidentally murders an MTF operative at its initial discovery, and is captured much sooner in, leaving the rest of the article to explore its incredibly fragile emotional state in containment, and how the foundation tries to restore its peace of mind.

+ show block

Well, everything needs to have a motive to be on the narrative. You can't just leave a name loose within the lines. At least you'll have to know what's the function of Kulik here. Are they the creators of the skip? If yes, so why they did it? They are trying to contain it too? How they want it to behave? What help do they give to the Foundation? To summarize, what's their importance to the story?

If I were to make them the creators of the entity, then it would most likely be for publicity, and I would likely have to make Kulik Inc. be a shady company with odd business practices, and a history with the Foundation. Although, I' still not sure if I want them to be the actual creators of the entity, but based off this critique, it does make me lean more towards them being the creators.

As a courtesy to our readers on mobile devices, please collapse long posts. ~Zyn

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Last edited on 24 Feb 2021 07:12 by Zyn Show more

Re: Dine O's (Redux)

cybersqyd 25 Feb 2021 10:36

hmm. There's aspects to this that I like but I can't help but feel like it's like, two different articles awkwardly shoved together: like, you have this kinda fun wacky goofy hijinks section at the start; and then this dark and serious section at the end where the SCP dies; and it feels…awkwardly bridged between the two in that, it just kinda suddenly shifts from one track to the other; and it feels,,, like both would benefit from being long and drawn out and really being able to revel in it; whilst having both in the article would likely either lead to it feeling like two things shoved together or one feeling a little vestigial.

I gotta agree with Impperatrix re kulik inc's involvement here: if you're making the scp eat their cereal, rampage between their factories and look like their mascot, you're making them important here; and it feels like you've gotta like, utilise that in some manner.

Last edited on 25 Feb 2021 10:36 by cybersqyd Show more

Re: Dine O's (Redux)

CheeseGrater 25 Feb 2021 13:05

Like I was saying to Impperatrix, I was planning on making the narrative less focused on the capturing of the SCP, and more on how it acts in containment, after accidentally murdering someone, and how the Foundation would both try to keep it alive, and help it overcome its grief. And, as for Kulik Inc. I was thinking of making them more involved, attempting to take the SCP away from the Foundation, although almost never through force.

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