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http://scp-sandbox-3.wikidot.com/jaykillbam
Third TAB - FYI
Word Count: 720
Like most of my SCP ideas, this came to me in a dream. Wrote it in a day… It's short, yet effective. I don't see any use in making it lengthier. I want to contribute short and sweet articles. Its a quick read with decent pay off. Looking to see what others think! And yes there's a lil' Bright reference in there.
"Ph'nglui mglw'nafh Cthulhu R'lyeh wgah'nagl fhtagn"
Hi there JayKillbam, let's take a look at your draft.
Overall:
Generally, I'm a fan of short and sweet articles, and I like the premise you've set up here. However, I think this draft's length works against it. Specifically, it feels as though we're missing something. The ending, which sees an incident occurring that somehow involves Bright, several SCPs, and the sharpener feels like it has no buildup. We suddenly jump from Friedrich's note about how it will be on his desk to what appears to be his death. Since we're never given any time to learn about Friedrich besides the fact that he's a father. While his death does carry some weight because of that, it's not quite enough to make it feel like a satisfying conclusion.
The way in which the incident is described also doesn't help with this. While I don't have anything against Bright, his sudden mention here feels out of place. It also makes Friedrich's death feel rather cheap as a narrative conclusion.
There's also a lot of blackboxing and redactions, some of which I think are unnecessary. Here's a guide that I use to better utilize redactions and black boxes: What Hides Beneath: the Black and White of Blackboxing
Specific:
I'll be using strikethough for what to cut out and green to show what to add.
Object is to be kept on the desk of Researcher Dr. Friedrich. If object is to be moved, for any reason Dr. Friedrich should be notified out of courtesy, though not necessary
Considering the object is still anomalous, it's hard to believe a researcher would be allowed to keep it on their desk, even if it's not a direct threat. I get what you're trying to go for here, like it's just another office tool, but it's the Foundation, so this could probably be a little more strict.
However, even though the object did not shred or tear any mass from the item inserted into it, the sharpener would, upon use, start to expel shavings molecularly identical to the item inserted.
However, even though the object did does (this would be written as present tense, since it's before the object was neutralized) not shred or tear any mass from the item inserted into it, Instead, the sharpener would, upon use, start to expel shavings molecularly identical to the item inserted upon use.
Experiments SCP-XXXX-A through E
Experiments are fine to have, but I feel it ends up repeating a lot of the same information. For instance, experiments A and C are almost exactly the same, except that C shows us the sharpener can work on things harder than a pencil. While the tests do overall show a natural progression, for the article's and brevity's sake, I think you can cut C and maybe B, since most of this information we get from the description.
It seems that the only strange thing about SCP-XXXX is that the item can copy and produce any matter identical to what is put inside of it, in the form of if it were pencil shavings. This effect only works if SCP-5209’s blade is put on upside-down from the manufacturer’s original orientation.
This feels a bit redundant, especially the part reiterating that the anomalous properties don't work when the blade is in the default position. Since we just saw this for ourselves in the tests, I think you can cut or at least trim this portion.
Given the unforeseen and unfortunate events transpiring on ██/██/████ at Site-██ perpetrated by Bright and his use of SCP-XXXX on SCP-[REDACTED]
I touched on this earlier, but this essentially edits out probably the most interesting part of the story. Describing this incident provides an opportunity to give some more emotion to Friedrich's death. Without knowing exactly how the sharpener was used or how Friedrich dies, the article ends far too quickly and we are just left confused and unfulfilled.
Advice:
The main part where I see this can be improved is in expanding the incident report at the end. I mean, we don't even know why Bright wanted the sharpener. Even a character as unpredictable as Bright still needs some kind of motivation. If you want the impact of Friedrich's death to land and wrap up the story, then it's best to at least describe that he died in a relatable or understandable way. (Ideally tying back into his role as a father, since that's pretty much all we know about him) Perhaps you could just add a bit talking about how Bright thought that the sharpener when used on SCP-???? could maybe cure his immortality, but cause massive collateral damage at the same time. (Maybe Friedrich tried to stop Bright, but died in the process) This way, we at least know that Friedrich died because of Bright's selfishness and can feel sorry for him.
Feel free to contact me if you have any questions or want me to do a follow up, as I might not see it otherwise. Good luck with your draft!
Super updated! Added a lot, took out some, really took your suggestions to heart! Its a bit longer than I really wanted, but it has more of a narrative beat. And honestly adding MORE, just asks MORE questions, but I feel decent about this!
Word Count: 1,300
And yes, I know people are gonna want a dive in on the Incident report, but I'm gong for brevity here, possibly will do a tale or addition if I'm ever so inclined later on.
Would love more feedback!
Tab 3 on Sandbox
"Ph'nglui mglw'nafh Cthulhu R'lyeh wgah'nagl fhtagn"
Summoned Back Via PM
Overall, the changes you made really improved the article. You implemented my suggestions on character motivations and wrapping up the narrative extremely well. Bright's actions are perfectly in character while playing into his motivations and giving us a short but still impactful story.
Just saw your submission. VERY good work. Do you think that when you cut something, see it from the inside, know what makes it work, that you, well, know HOW it works?
Can't say I follow this train of logic. Mostly cause the sharpener doesn't actually cut stuff, just makes shavings- But since it's Bright I think this line is in character and somewhat makes sense.
Do you think the blade can cut through an idea? Something nonphysical? A soul?
It seems like Bright wants to duplicate himself to test if using the sharpener on SCP-055 can cure his immortality. However, it's a bit out of character since Bright wants to die and occasionally enjoys excruciating pain, so it'd make sense for him to just throw caution to the wind and cut out the middle man. No need for a D-class.
Incident 02/24-25/18 Video Transcript Timeline:
I think the last few are a bit out of order, seeing as how Friedrich dies before the containment breach.
D-739564 heads to SCP-055’s containment cell with blade of SCP-XXXX.
This doesn't quite make sense, as 055's main property is to immediately erase any memories of it. Even though Bright is special, he's still presumably affected by it. So how would he remember that 055 even exists in order to come up with this plan? (Even reading descriptions of it doesn't last for more than a moment)
(PM) Bright takes SCP-XXX from Fredrich and attempt to use SCP-XX on 963, resulting in pieces of material that now function as more vectors for brights consciousness, one of which turns a d-class into bright
The main issue with this is that making duplicates of himself is something that Bright is strictly prohibited from doing. However, again, this is pretty in character and could even be a positive for the narrative. Most of the stuff Bright is not allowed to do revolves around his general antics, and while I don't know his punishment for breaking these rules, he might venture to break the duplicate rule if it were for the sake of potentially undoing his immortality.
Hajovsky!
Thank you so much! I agree with doing away with the d-class, Ill work on that, that helps me with my goal to keep the article short. I feel like breaking the rules is in line with Bright's character, and I am pretty much assuming that Bright has at least a bit more than average knowledge about unknowable SCPs. If anything, as it is in SCP-5000, its just a MacGuffin. To address the time line, I re-read it and it seems to make sense… to me. I think the confusion is that it is a few events taking place over others while reading in military time over the course of the day change.
Again Thank YOU for all your help and thoughts and time with this, say tighten up and post and see what the votes do? Would love just to see it up and well voted. I got some others in the IRC that really enjoyed it, even someone commented it had actual "feels", so I feel like the emotional backbone that was missing is really there now.
Regards,
JayKillbam
"Ph'nglui mglw'nafh Cthulhu R'lyeh wgah'nagl fhtagn"
Sorry for the delay! Just getting around to taking a look now.
P-K school in [REDACTED], by the daughter of Researcher Dr. Friedrich.
This still leans a bit too much on lolfoundation for me, but it's certainly in a better place than it was the last time I looked at it. The emails are fun and probably the high point of the article for me, definitely got a smile, and the punchline with the sharpener sent to the widow is definitely set up a lot better now.
Also, burying an anomalous item where it can never be touched again isn't actually neutralizing it. The item still probably does it's thing, it's just heavily radioactive to the touch now - maybe just throw it in bulk storage or something?
My main criticism would be the heavy reliance on 'random' series 1 scps in the incident log. You can show chaos without relying on some very overdone scps like 106 and 294, which seem narratively unrelated to the incidents at hand, and could come across as trying to ride the coat-tails of the big names (I know it isn't in this case, but it certainly can appear that way.) Perhaps just expand on the containment breaches and Foundation response to get the sentiment across.
Overall this article's probably a novote as is. It's funny in places and brevity really works in your favour, but the lolfoundation and randomness definitely puts me off a lot. It's kind of a crux of the piece though, so I don't think there's much you can do to fix that. I think it's just a matter of 'to each their own'.
Limey! thank you so much for the candid feed back.
thanks for the clinical tone props, I do think its more of my strong suit, and really where I focus a lot of my energy with most things I write.
I do get the lolfoundation criticism, but i still think I tell a tight story of a man just wanting to be with his daughter and work ultimately and definitively getting in the way.
I really want the item to me "decommissioned" but the formatting doesn't really work for that allocation so I'm moving forward with neutralized, id consider it neutralized as really there is little to no re-obtaining it unless express O5 permission is grated, I would include that maybe, but still trying to keep this short.
And yeah I use a lot of series 1…. but its what I know better, and just to keep the logs short I found it easier to go with thing people already know and can relate to.
Thank you as always! I may not have your vote, but at least I have your honesty! and that's better than a vote :) And like you said "to each his own" I got very positive feedback and some of what you mentioned, so Ill be excited and anxious but overall interested to see what the wiki fates have for it soon.
Regards,
JayKillbam
"Ph'nglui mglw'nafh Cthulhu R'lyeh wgah'nagl fhtagn"
I gave you a quicky review in the lounge but heres my finetooth comb crit you wanted! :)
bold is changes i have made
cross outs are things id remove
Object is a standard ACM15593 manual pencil sharpener
I have deemed the object safe, and it shall remain on my desk for anyone else looking to experiment on it
I feel like even though its fine, they wouldnt let someone keep an anomalous object on the desk… theyd secure it somehow, be it in a locked box, a desk drawer with a lock.. anything like that. If not, it could, for example, get swept up by janitorial staff whilst cleaning and its be gone.
Just makes shreds of material identical to what it shreds.
Id change this to "Just makes shreds of material made of whatever's put inside it."
Do you think that when you cut something, see it from the inside, know what makes it work, that you, well, know HOW it works?
Probably me being dumb but this sentence is hard to read, im not sure i understand it
SCP-XXXX is on desk. Bright takes SCP-XXXX.
Prime example of why they wouldnt leave scps on desks
Id expand more on this, bright is desperate to die, and i feel like he would attempt this more before just giving up on it.. and it doesnt really explain why he went to 55 after
8: SCP-106 reaches through vending machine and grabs Friedrich
Not a criticism, just wanted to say i audibly went "noooooo…:c"
Overall: i really, really like this. It made me smile and feel sad at the same time and thats a good indication of writing. :) id see what the critter crew have to say too, but as a reader its a really fun article.
Hi! I'm Flight Officed Impperatrix!
Well, this one is really strange. I don't know if I'm supposed to feel sad or laugh. It's a dark comedy but doesn't really make sense to me. Bright simply acts like a child for the entire thing as causes a major Containment Breach for no reason. The narrative had not activated me and even if I had created empathy for Dr. Friedrich to some extent, his death was so without impact that I have almost underseen it.
Also, there are things like "Redacted" and high use of Series I objects that I feel are really unnecessary here. I'm not against them in a safe and healthy number, but you used too many of them for no good reason. Even Bright's presence is far-fetched.
I think you can't really escape from a big disaster with the skip here, as I feel it makes sense that the narrative here is about a little object that causes chaos, but you can go other ways here. Have you ever read SCP-4051? It's a boy with simple powers: create a portal to summon an item that he can held, but then the author subverts it by doing a text where the 4051 creates impossible objects, as a "circular square" or a "statement that says it is false". Obviously, that creates some chaos within the Foundation.
Here you can do something similar. You already had talked about that in the version you have:
Do you think the blade can cut through an idea? Something nonphysical? A soul?
What if the scientists try to cut into something that can't be cut? Water, fire, gas, souls, ideas, concepts. You can create a more psychedelic and surrealistic story, which I see as something better than a narration of a scientist creating pandemonium for no good reason.
Anyway, good luck and good writing!
Thank you everyone, at this point I just gotta post and let the votes do what they will, otherwise I won't move on from this little story to my bigger, and honestly better ones, that constraints I put on myself, here helped me become a better writer. Hope y'all can enjoy the read. Or not, vote as you will.
http://www.scpwiki.com/scp-5284
"Ph'nglui mglw'nafh Cthulhu R'lyeh wgah'nagl fhtagn"
Thank you everyone, at this point I just gotta post and let the votes do what they will, otherwise I won't move on from this little story to my bigger, and honestly better ones, that constraints I put on myself, here helped me become a better writer. Hope y'all can enjoy the read. Or not, vote as you will.
http://www.scpwiki.com/scp-5284
"Ph'nglui mglw'nafh Cthulhu R'lyeh wgah'nagl fhtagn"
Thank you everyone, at this point I just gotta post and let the votes do what they will, otherwise I won't move on from this little story to my bigger, and honestly better ones, that constraints I put on myself, here helped me become a better writer. Hope y'all can enjoy the read. Or not, vote as you will.
http://www.scpwiki.com/scp-5284
"Ph'nglui mglw'nafh Cthulhu R'lyeh wgah'nagl fhtagn"
computer spazzed out, sorry for the triple post… <shrugs>
"Ph'nglui mglw'nafh Cthulhu R'lyeh wgah'nagl fhtagn"
