Backyard Memeticist (SCP)

Summary:

A science edutainment youtube-like series of a bootleg memeticist. 2.4k

Backyard Memeticist (SCP)

Limeyy 16 Feb 2021 23:46

Decided to post this - crit no longer needed. Thanks for taking a look though :D

Greenlights not needed, but I got one for good measure anyway:http://scp-wiki.wikidot.com/forum/t-13997804/backyard-memeticist#post-4895728

Draft: http://scpdsandbox.wikidot.com/limey

An article about a non-anomalous, above the veil individual coming across memetics, and attempting to make a rational science out of it in the form of youtube videos, accidentally biting off more than he can chew.

Main concerns:

-Clinical tone in the video logs. I feel like I may have leaned too heavily on description than a formal account of the videos.

-The video segments aren't interesting/the character comes across as shallow. That any character development throughout the piece seems sudden and out of the blue.

-The more sciencey bit of the piece, although heavily abstracted from anything like actual memetic science would be thanks to it being one guy way out of his depth, go against people's headcannons in a way that ruins immersion.

-Grammar stuff - I've thrown all the non-videolog sections through Grammarly, but I may well have missed something. It's certainly not my strong suit.

-Is there room for other stuff without losing interest? Impperatrix mentioned youtube comments/some side talk on memetic theory, and I think that that's a smashing idea, but I'm worried that they will distract/detract from the article, that's already leaning towards 'long' as is and I don't want to overstay my welcome.

Thanks for taking a look :D

Last edited on 24 Feb 2021 01:26 by Limeyy Show more

Re: Backyard Memeticist (SCP)

JayKillbam 17 Feb 2021 06:23

Here ya Go My friend!

+ Open Crit

I may do my Crits and LBL a bit differently, especially on first go, I like to read it wand crit as I go along so that my feedback offers real time reader feedback and reaction.

Ok first off, LOVE the photo! And the concept of parts of it being the “bad” parts is novel to me.

Containment is *chef’s kiss* perfectly brief!

Same with description, clinical is great. Maybe include discovery in a separate line or header though.

OH hey! IMGUR! Come find me @jaykillbam love that site, this will read personally!

“in a house in Brisbane” reads a bit rough, maybe “house located near”

“prescheduled” – I don’t think this is needed.

“booked” > “and booked”

“Records show that previous resident…”

“individuals at the University can” >”could” keep the tense consistent

“uploading”>”uploaded” tense

Starting to feel like this may take place during Broken Masquerade, which I personally dig

So, when transitioning to dialogue I tend to eschew criticism on grammar and even spelling at times, because its how real people talk. So, don’t expect too much on that, but ill continue with Clinical, but it already seems like you have a solid grasp on that! But I continue….

I like the idea that “oranges and blacks make everything worse” maybe crosslink to the scp-001 page where that hazard is well yeah.. you know.

You can take out “believed to be… concussion.” – not really needed in the scope.

I like the introduction of “active zones’ if this isn’t an already established concept on main site, you REALLY have a novel idea here.

SCP-XXXX-6 “was found to be a digital…”

At this point I would almost classify Flagg as an SCP of Thaumiel class as he MAKES things the Foundation can use.

“So” > “So,”

The descriptions on the videos would be better if they read like researcher notes. This way you can also think of it more clinically.

I don’t think you need “Flagg:” each time, it can just be one block statement

“SCP-XXXX-57, a weak antimeme, is displayed on the screen as Flagg points to it for a few seconds.

SCP-XXXX-58 through SCP-XXXX-61, all information suppressants are visible in the background, but Flagg does not acknowledge them.” – I think this reads a little confusing, you haven’t define “information suppreseants”

“relearn” > “re-learn”

Honestly at this point its starting to drag a bit, maybe try to make the “videos” longer so that we cover more info per blurb

“before it does it” > “before it… does”

“Flagg spends 15 minutes describing the effects of several antimemetic instances of SCP-XXXX. Only five of the available instances are described during this segment and SCP-XXXX-95 is explained three times before the video concludes.” – okay that was nice, shows a deterioration.

Ok, it picked back up nice and fast, kudos, I was worried for a moment, maybe still trim though.

“void of knowledge” > can just be “a void”

Ending could really use more of an AH-HA moment.

Over all, engaging article, it does lag tho towards the end, and needs more of a moment for the reader, ya know?
The opening tho was YES!

Hope this helps!

---

"Ph'nglui mglw'nafh Cthulhu R'lyeh wgah'nagl fhtagn"

Re: Backyard Memeticist (SCP)

peppermint_legos 17 Feb 2021 06:53

Hello! Thanks for your draft. I enjoyed this and think you are really on to something. "Passionate amateur stumbling in way over their depth" is a strong hook for me, and I think you did the concept justice.

Below are my notes, and there's a lot of them, but don't let that fool you! I really liked this piece and think it's on extremely solid footing. Please let me know if you have questions about any of this.

+ technical crit

• In general, I think one of the piece's biggest flaws is that concepts/conventions are sometimes included by default, rather than by necessity. For instance, you mention "PoI-XXXX" twice, but mostly you just refer to them as "Flagg." Honestly, the piece is fine without ever mentioning "PoI-XXXX" at all, but if you're going to do it, don't do it half-baked: convert every single reference to "Flagg" over to "PoI-XXXX."
• On a similar note, details like "following a prescheduled welfare check on 12/02/2021, booked on 28/01/2021" don't really add anything. Maybe I missed the reference/backstory that makes these dates relevant, but I get the impression you just thought the dates were necessary/helpful for believability. They aren't. If these were REAL technical documents, we'd be buried in minutiae, but thankfully that's not the case. We need just enough technical background to make it believable, but Conservation of Detail still applies. I wouldn't put a date in a story if the specific numbers weren't plot-critical: I'd find a way to avoid writing the date. In your case, just saying "…following a welfare check." is enough.
• Check the conventions for other SCPs that reference websites: I believe something like "on video-sharing social media platform YouTube" is more common than "on www.youtube.com", which looks a little sloppy.
• We don't need to know the exact subscriber & view counts; just say "roughly 100 subscribers and several hundred unique viewers." Only use actual numerals when they're needed & impactful — like your later video, where Flagg references 8 antimemes when there are actually 15 in the room. That's a cool moment, and it'll be even cooler if I don't have any unnecessary numbers bouncing around in my head. Remember: Conservation of Detail.
• Also in this sentence: search for ways to break up your sentences. Long sentences tend to sound clinical, but they can become unwieldy: in this example, you combine the thought "This channel had 97 subscribers, with 459 unique viewers" with a second, only partially-connected thought "[the channel] published videos on a very rudimentary understanding of memetic science." If I were your copy editor, I'd just say "put a period after 'viewers'" and call it a day. But from a writing perspective, those two thoughts are so different (and the second one is so important) that they each deserve their own sentence. Writing short sentences is scary, I know. I struggle with the same thing. But it's a good skill to have.
• Most of your "summary text" for the videos can be condensed to the most important factoid or two and a short description. We don't need a full accounting of all 125 memetics, even in batches: you can just say "Excerpt" and then focus in on the 1 that you want to talk about.

+ story crit

• I really enjoy Flagg's character. You do a great job of writing their character and making them seem charismatic and intensely interested in what they're doing! This style of "projects" YouTube video is one of my favorites to watch, and I have definitely gotten sucked down the rabbit hole of some enthusiast refurbishing old GameBoys or talking about their latest whittling project. That vibe definitely comes through, and Flagg's videos are my favorite part of the article.
• I also very much enjoy how Flagg gets "trapped", for lack of a better word, by the memetics. Once they start mucking around with it and spawning different effects, we all know what's going to happen, but it's a credit to your storytelling that the payoff is still compelling and entertaining.
• I really enjoy Flagg's breakdown (until the end, see below). It's believable and empathetic without being melodrama. We see a ton of characters go crazy on this site, but just like a skillful action scene, this descent happens efficiently and evocatively, without overstaying its welcome.
• Honestly, I'd cut the final two logs. Hear me out: the most powerful image you have in this article is in Episode 8, with Flagg sitting in a room full of antimemes that they created and being unable to remember most of them. Hell, that line about how "SCP-XXXX-95 is explained three times before the video concludes" gave me chills. If you're looking for a high point, that's it. The final two logs after that are mostly re-explaining things we'd already pieced together, and they drain the tension out of that high point. On top of that, Flagg comes across a little too expositiony and self-aware in these final two, and their insanity has gotten a little too obvious. The best part of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde isn't when Hyde runs around snarling and hurting people…it's when Dr. Jekyll has the crushing realization that he's slowly, permanently losing himself. All end-stage crazy people in fiction look the same. Give us a chilling hint of that coming insanity, and then cut & run while the dread is at its peak.
• I know my prior bullet point already implied this, but I'll say it outright: I think your instinct about the ending/3125/fithist bit is spot-on. The piece stands well enough on its own without this addition, in my book.

Last edited on 17 Feb 2021 06:55 by peppermint_legos Show more

Re: Backyard Memeticist (SCP)

Limeyy 17 Feb 2021 21:02

Thank you for taking a look :D your crit has been invaluable.

A lot of the technical stuff has been cleaned up (And I'll get around to the rest another time). I've axed the final log, with the crosslinks and fithist stuff, entirely and will radically be reworking the second last one to make it tread new ground instead of just drilling in what episode 8 said. I'm really glad that line worked! It was actually just a throwaway line that hit me late, but following that thread of thought is probably where I'm going to go with the new ep 9.

I'm glad to hear you liked it a lot. This has really raised all the right questions to take this in a much better direction. I don't really have any questions, you've explained yourself very well, but could I reach out at you to maybe take another glance at the end after I've messed around with it? If not, it's really no trouble, you've already been a massive help.

Re: Backyard Memeticist (SCP)

peppermint_legos 17 Feb 2021 21:12

Sure thing! Would be happy to read this again. PM is probably best to reach me, I'll be active on and off the next few days.

Re: Backyard Memeticist (SCP)

Impperatrix 19 Feb 2021 05:36

I'm Flight Officer Impperatrix and I'm here to make it clear…

+ With some crits!

Viewers of SCP-XXXX related media are to be amnesticized

How does the Foundation identify them? By the web crawlers? I think this is a bit vague.

I loved the footnotes script.

a Grant-Daniels memetic incapacitation agent

Maybe a Footnote or a link for an article that explains it here will be fine.

This channel had nearly 100 subscribers, with several hundred unique viewers.

It would sound more scientific if you had shown the exact numbers and the date and hour when the numbers were registered.

This is found to be almost entirely disconnected from modern memetic theory.

It's not entirely necessary, but adding some information about "why" and "how" it's disconnected would be interesting.

Flagg's research shares several similarities with Foundation understanding of memetics.

As of above, you should explain the connection that exists between Flagg's interpretation and the Foundation's knowledge.

SCP-XXXX is a collection of 143 infohazards with varying memetic and antimemetic effects

Maybe I haven't got it, but there are 143 or 125? I understood that there are some strange things happening with the numbering, as the antimemetic objects are confusing Flagg, but it sounds strange here.

Also, they are no infohazards, but cognitohazards as far as I know. Infohazards would affect anyone as long as the person knows about that thing.

Overall: I like the narrative here. I like this kind of channel that makes experiments, talks about science, etc, and making an SCP version of it using memetics (that is an area that I also like) makes everything interesting.

What really makes everything confuse is the disappearance of Flagg at the end and the fact that he vanished from reality itself. I know one could simply presume "Oh, the memes and anti-meme made him vanish", but as no theory or hypothesis is presented, neither implicitly, it becomes this unsolvable mystery that you don't have any REAL clue. As I'm no familiar with fifthism and/or SCP-3125, maybe that's the thing that got me completely confused.

I may be biased as I like articles based on logs, but the structure of the SCP is awesome. The cadency of the events is interesting and we can see the poor guy going down and beyond just because he was interested in some parascience. I'd like to see some comments on his videos too because it probably is full of AWCY? followers, Fifthists, Hand's members, and other creeps, but the article is yours.

Also, the SCP-XXXX-1 is somewhat forgotten. It created everything, but its origin and motives are quickly forgotten. I know this is just the "inciting incident", the thing that kicks out the narrative, but it could use some love.

Good luck and Good Writing!

Re: Backyard Memeticist (SCP)

Limeyy 20 Feb 2021 07:11

Thank you for the crit! it has been very insightful and given me a lot to think about and work on. The small stuff (125 items was a holdover from an earlier draft the others above saw that involved fithism a bit heavier) has been cleaned up. I've tried for an ending that explains itself a little more, but it does still lean on 3125 a bit.

My main concern with a lot of your crit is that I really want to keep the piece focused. I would love to write a short version of a headcanonned theory of memetics, but it would interfere with what others headcanon and pull away from the piece. Same as going into more about XXXX-1, or the Grant-Daniels bit (Just copying 001's format of 'surname-surname effect memetic agent'). I've tried to run a pretty streamlined story and I'm worried that a lot of this stuff could detract from that.

Could I reach out to you on IRC or Discord or something to ask some questions more real time to try and get a better understanding of what you mean? If not it's all good though, you've already been a massive help.

Thanks for taking a look :D

Re: Backyard Memeticist (SCP)

Sirslash47 22 Feb 2021 11:46

Okay here we go

Open Crit

Containments: Tight, direct, not overly complicated. Good job. Also the image is very good.

Description: Good description. I was wondering why you did not declare him a PoI though at first. I did see the reason in the other comments. I personally still think calling him a PoI (maybe once here) would be a good addition. I don't mind video logs etc. with a normal name after it has been declared once. Sorry for the nitpick.

Addendum:
I expected a "Discorvery:" before an addendum but your uncollapsed alinea serves that purpose. I do think it is better than having the discovery apart since it is fairly small.

Episode 1: Directly engaging and descriptive. I like the pieces you put before and after every video log since it helps without distracting too much. It was also good to see he himself didn't fully comprehend it but had a fairly good idea it had to do with the colours etc.

"Most'a the time…"

I think you want to add some character/accent but I don't really think this is a common one. You nailed it on the spot later in that sentence with the "juuust right" though.

Episode 3: You ended episode 1 by mentioning "Active zones" and are now going in depth which is great and good for pacing. Although it makes me wonder a bit about what happened in episode 2. I'd probably have him mention it in one sentence before he says what the current episode is about. (This is not needed for all the other missing episodes in my opinion.)

Also "Nice and easy, right?" this alongside your small additions make his character. It really compliments the cursive text in-between where you describe his actions as well. That is also why the "Most'a" is a bit weirder to me since it plays more on an accent than on the character imo. (Sorry about the wording.)

Also I think the footnotes next to the logs are very pleasing in terms of execution and lay-out.

Episode 6:
Here you shine with the naming of your collapsibles, nice touch.
Here you clearly begin to downwards spiral of his state but I think it was a good decision to keep this video log short and subtle before you go in deeper. I think this is the best episode. I like this one a lot.

Episode 8:
For me Flagg comes over tired, exhausted, confused, numbed to some extend which are all the things you need.

Got a good system in place too - I throw the notes on the active bits so I know what does what before it does it.

I don't get why you put an "-" there.

The ending here is very cool since it shows even more that it has taken a toll on him.
Btw for lay-out you missed the "----" (full lines) after the intro and before the ending statement.

Last stream:
He is being forgotten by everyone including himself. Damn, that is unsettling and tragic. I did not see it coming but it makes sense by your own logic of the (anti-)memetics. Also I saw a crosslink there so I really hope you write more of this. (You said in other comments here that you wanted to expand on it/go with this canon.)

I'd type maybe two more sentences so it goes back to the containment but that is personal preference.

Overall: I really like it and it makes sense since you also start the videos from scratch so everyone knows what's up the more you get into the article. (Seriously, I normally can't wrap my head around memetic things, very good job.)

I like the character a lot. You absolutely did not make him come over a shallow.

About the comments etc. that you can add, I can see that but then don't overdo it. I don't know if they would distract from the narrative though since now the logs all follow each other pretty well.

Good luck on the article.

Last edited on 22 Feb 2021 11:48 by Sirslash47 Show more

Re: Backyard Memeticist (SCP)

Zoobeeny 23 Feb 2021 17:10

Summoned via PM.

Alright, let's do this.

I liked it. Your ConProcs were incredibly snappy and I liked that. Description was pretty good too, though I'm not sure you needed to include John Burns at all because you put the name there like he's going to be important, but he never shows up again. I think it'd probably be better if you just had a memetic agent just appear on imgur as opposed to it having been the deliberate efforts of a ex-Foundation agent.

Honestly, I can't really say there's anything here that I dislike. Nothing I say will add anything really new to other people's crits, so I'll just leave it at that.