Dino Friend Wants to Play Video Games!

Summary:

[No longer seeking critique due to receiving the requisite greenlights. Thank you!]

Dino Friend Wants to Play Video Games!

Truc Linh 12 Feb 2021 17:10

First greenlight by Riemann: http://www.scpwiki.com/forum/t-13764047/dino-friend-wants-to-play-video-games#post-4785709

Seeking Greenlights: Yes pwease.
Page Type: SCP Article
Genre (Optional): Emotional

Elevator Pitch: An animate and sentient dinosaur amiibo with the ability to transform enclosed surroundings into an augmented reality game simulation based on its said surroundings for up to approximately three hours with the SCP acting as administrator. After the SCP becomes exhausted, it ends the simulation for sleeeeeep, and the affected area and players go back to normal. The amiibo itself is benevolent and playful, and it will attempt to play with subjects within its created simulation whenever active.

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Central Narrative: It was discovered from a 911 emergency call to where an elderly woman expressed severe symptoms. First responders who arrived were hesitant when entering the premise due to the SCP’s ability currently active. Once entered they found the elderly lady passed out on the floor with SCP-XXXX nudging against her. It was later confirmed that the elderly lady suffered from a stroke and died. The Foundation was then notified of the incident and then thoroughly searched the home for an investigation to where they found a really old letter from years ago. The letter was from her older brother, and the context highlights the lady and her brother’s relationship when they were younger: both having parents who’ve not had the time for them, and being video game buds until the brother had to serve his two years in South Korea. The brother promises they will play video games together again very soon and sends the SCP as a gift so that she won’t be lonely in his absence. The letter will also include information on the SCP for the sister. Upon further investigation of her older brother, it was later confirmed that he was KIA while serving in South Korea.

Hook/Attention-Grabber: Dino friend saw human friend not okay. Dino friend tries to revive human through game. Dino friend realized it couldn’t. You can revive in a video game, but you can’t in life.

Additional Notes: That’s all folks! Criticism would be much appreciated. :3

Last edited on 12 Feb 2021 17:18 by Truc Linh Show more

Re: Dino Friend Wants to Play Video Games!

REDESERT 12 Feb 2021 21:24

Hello Truc Linh!

SAND

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I don't have any real issues with the concept itself. Other than the lack of expansion on the skip in the narrative. I feel there isn't really much that shows the skip in any more detail than what its surface level effects are. Which makes the narrative feel a bit anti-climatic IMO, as there isn't really any stakes or anything of note to build up-to in terms of the skip. As for the emotional aspect, it doesn't hit as hard as it probably should, due to there not really being enough time for me get invested emotionally.

What ends up happening to the skip? what was the skips relationship with the character like? is there anything of note that's learnt about the skip? what will get me invested in the character?

Other than that though, I think this is very well thought out as a concept. I'd just say the narrative needs to give a bit on the character and the skip, as currently there isn't enough on them to get me invested emotionally.

Let me know if you want any followups, I'd be happy to give another crit :)

Cheers,

RED

Re: Dino Friend Wants to Play Video Games!

Truc Linh 13 Feb 2021 23:20

Thank you for the feedback! Perhaps I should expand more on what I’m trying to get across with the concept. I know these are very subtle details, but I wanted to display the SCP as something who doesn’t understand the concept of death—not the deaths displayed in video games where it can revive players, but the reality outside of its simulations. Its mind is programmed much like a small child, and it behaves like a pet (being playful and such). This concept heavily revolves around the concept of loss which is something I’m wanting to use to connect all three of the main characters. When the SCP sees its owner passed out on the floor, it tries to wake her up. The SCP even uses its abilities to start a simulation to see if its owner wants to wake up and play, and it even resorts to reviving her via its simulation only to realize that she’s not coming back, leading to where it just kept nudging at her out of desperation.

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What ends up happening to the skip? what was the skips relationship with the character like? is there anything of note that's learnt about the skip? what will get me invested in the character?

After the incident, the SCP begins to accept the real world outside of its own and the little control it has over it, but it eventually succumbs to its original programmed behavior: being playful. It wants to play with the Foundation researchers like it played with its last owner (much like a pet being readopted). Of course, it’s still healing, so it gets extremely lonely when no one’s around. In regards to its relationship with the elderly lady, I want them to have a pet and owner like relationship. After losing her older brother, the SCP becomes her only means of emotional support and a sentimental memory of her older brother and the times they spent together. I mostly plan on adding more information on the lady in the letter to create a cause and effect. Not a subtle detail, but the lady was lonely and depressed. The letter will also include unhealthy habits the two siblings do too much like gaming and junk food (which the brother would be reminiscing over when first writing the letter). Those unhealthy habits would stick to the lady and eventually lead to her tragic death of a stroke.

Re: Dino Friend Wants to Play Video Games!

REDESERT 14 Feb 2021 00:49

Heyo followup!

Overall this sounds very interesting, but there isn't really much on how this will fit into the draft, and how it will affect the ending (ie. the dinosaur wanting to play with Foundation staff, kinda hints at more taking place after the pitch cuts off).

I'd be willing to give this a greenlight if you could show a bit more on how the info fits into the narrative, (along with how that affects the ending).- which currently is a bit too open IMO.

Let me know when your ready for a followup :)

Cheers,

RED

Re: Dino Friend Wants to Play Video Games!

Truc Linh 14 Feb 2021 19:32

I’m happy to hear you think it sounds interesting! :D

Let me elaborate on how I plan to fit this all into a draft. I plan to integrate that the SCP wants to play with Foundation staff and that it needs emotional support through its containment procedures. The SCP’s surface effects will be placed within its description, and I’ll be more subtle with the information I want to get across during the death of its owner through the discovery log. Everything about the brother and the sister will be displayed within the one letter from the older brother to the sister. After an emotional ride through the letter, the audience would be hit with the detail of the brother's death while serving in South Korea, and I want that to sink in. I know most of what I’ve presented in my last response were very subtle details, but I’ll definitely make them more obvious enough for the audience to piece things together. I hope this was the response you’re looking for. If not, please let me know! :)

Re: Dino Friend Wants to Play Video Games!

REDESERT 14 Feb 2021 20:10

Heyo followup!

Overall this plan looks solid, I'd say most of this would now be dependant on the execution. Greenlight. Good luck!

Cheers,

RED

Last edited on 14 Feb 2021 20:11 by REDESERT Show more

Re: Dino Friend Wants to Play Video Games!

Comrade Waldo 13 Feb 2021 22:28

Hey there! Long time no see!
Let's take a look at this concept, shall we?

Click here!

It was discovered from a 911 emergency call to where an elderly woman expressed severe symptoms. First responders who arrived were hesitant when entering the premise due to the SCP’s ability currently active.

How did the responders know about the SCP or of the anomaly's activity? Because you never mentioned anything about her saying she was with the SCP. Unless this is just a headcanon idea of yours that 911 officials know about the existence of the Foundation and are able to interact with anomalies. Anyway, that's just a tiny doubt I had.

Another thing is the ending. It just feels emotionally weak. What's the point of mentioning that her older brother was KIA? It just doesn't feel there's a consequence or impact after that. You could explore more on the relationship between the two of them in a series of letters, from both perspectives. I feel that would have a bigger impact emotionally and could bring for more wholesome moments.

The concept is alright, but I still want to know more about the tiny dinosaur amiibo. I just think it would really cool to see it interact with other people and how the different situations go.

Overall, this is quite an interesting concept that I would definitely want to see published. The only concern I suggest you focus on is the relationship of both characters so that it can have a greater impact on the reader. That's all for me. I hope this has been helpful.

Good luck, Comrade!

Re: Dino Friend Wants to Play Video Games!

Truc Linh 14 Feb 2021 00:05

How did the responders know about the SCP or of the anomaly's activity?

This question was already answered when they entered the home with the SCP’s simulation still ongoing and when it was found nudging against the elderly lady passed out on the floor. Usually, in the country I’m from, law enforcement would also be present during an emergency, and I assume that they would at least know about the Foundation.

What's the point of mentioning that her older brother was KIA?

One, I want to connect all three characters to the concept of loss. Two, the Foundation would try to look into the origins of the SCP by looking into the brother. I think.

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You could explore more on the relationship between the two of them in a series of letters, from both perspectives.

I personally don’t see that as possible, as the Foundation would have no way to retrieve the letters she sent to her brother. He died a long time ago in South Korea, and I feel like it would be incredibly difficult and time consuming to track those down. I generally prefer to just stick with the one letter.

The concept is alright, but I still want to know more about the tiny dinosaur amiibo.

I just posted a response to REDESERT expanding more on the dinosaur amiibo if you’re interested. :)

Thank you for the feedback!

Last edited on 14 Feb 2021 00:15 by Truc Linh Show more

Re: Dino Friend Wants to Play Video Games!

Comrade Waldo 14 Feb 2021 04:18

Follow-up because of a request through PM

Part 2

I personally don’t see that as possible, as the Foundation would have no way to retrieve the letters she sent to her brother. He died a long time ago in South Korea, and I feel like it would be incredibly difficult and time consuming to track those down. I generally prefer to just stick with the one letter.

I mean, you do have a point for this justification, yet you could still do it saying she had several letters from him kept along with the one you have in mind. But if that's how you want to go along with it, go ahead. I'm just making a recommendation. At the end of the day, it's you who decides your work.

Okay, after reading thoroughly of your response I really don't have any issues with this skip. You're touching on topics that are very intriguing and if executed properly would be amazing to watch. I don't see anything else to follow up after Redesert's response, so here's a greenlight!

That's all for me. If you publish your draft in the forums, don't doubt in sending me a PM! I hope this has been helpful.

Good luck, Comrade!

Re: Dino Friend Wants to Play Video Games!

Truc Linh 14 Feb 2021 18:44

Hi again! Thanks for the greenlight! I’ve already put some thought into the suggestions on the letters when you first mentioned making a series of letters instead of just the one. Even if the girl has more than one letter from her brother, I don’t want the audience to keep guessing at what she’s been writing to him. Plus, if I make it too obvious about what’s in her letters to him, it might sound unnatural. I want the narrative to be straightforward and consistent, and I feel like the gaps between the letters would make everything confusing and unappealing. I want to stick to the general melancholic tone which was already established, and adding more letters may take away from that. But I do admit, more letters could build a false sense of hope. However, just doing the one letter seems way more logically consistent for me because what can be inferred here is the brother could’ve died before replying to her letters to him, which concludes my thoughts on the extra letters.

Thank you again for the feedback! I’ll definitely message you again once I have a draft up.

Last edited on 14 Feb 2021 18:45 by Truc Linh Show more