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Here's the Draft - http://scp-sandbox-3.wikidot.com/sandbox-of-bawower
And here are the greenlights - http://scp-wiki.wikidot.com/forum/t-13993576/eric-s-army#post-4890706
(The word count is approximately 2300 words.)
Note: I cannot Greenlight.
Special Containment Procedures: A barrier around SCP-XXXX-A has been made. Temporary Site-XXXX was installed for research in SCP-XXXX.
Description: SCP-XXXX-A is a non-anomalous forest of 13 square km located at 2 Km from ████-Village. Inside of SCP-XXXX-A, instances of SCP-XXXX-B can be found.
Not sure why the non-anomalous forest would receive an SCP designation. My opinion is that you've either got one SCP entity which is the entire troop of SCP-XXXX or you have one SCP-XXXX with multiple instances. Whichever one you choose may depend on whether or not they're always seen together of if they can be separated
SCP-XXXX-B instances are small scall copies (approximately 20 cm in height) of soldiers from the US military.
"Scale" is misspelled "scall" in this sentence. Some of the more picky reviewers won't read past the first typo before they disengage.
Also, you describe them as "copies." I'm thinking of toy soldiers made of plastic. Is that what they are? Or are they made of flesh and blood? If they're copies, you probably should state what they're made of. If they're just tiny humans then maybe say that.
"Instances of SCP-XXXX appear as small human beings standing on average six inches tall. They are anomalously strong, capable of easily lifting several times their body weight and, as of yet, not been observed to age. They are otherwise outwardly indistinguishable from miniature humans. All instances of SCP-XXXX bear the uniforms and insignia of mid-century US army infantrymen."
Or something like that.
SCP-XXXX-C is described by instances of SCP-XXXX-B to be their creator.
Not sure you'd give an SCP designation to any entity that you haven't seen. If there are no observances of "Eric" he might not be described with an SCP number.
Was asked to take a look at this.
Mm. The execution here is fairly solid but it's undercut by some grammatical oddities, so I'll focus on line-by-line crit. Speaking generally, you want to focus on sentence length; they tend to be choppy and short, which when used side-by-side in paragraphs makes a rough reading experience. Additionally, try to avoid using language like "it seems" or "apparently" or "appear to" — just say it outright.
As an aside, the multiple subclassifications for the anomalies seems fairly unnecessary. -Alpha could just be referred to as SCP-XXXX or, better yet, be the soldiers themselves; the woods are non-anomalous after all.
A barrier around SCP-XXXX-Alpha of 1 meter in height has been made.
"made" is imprecise and could be replaced with "constructed". Also, what sort of barrier is it?
No attempts to make contact with SCP-XXXX-B are to be made.
Repetition of "made"; maybe "Contact with SCP-XXXX-B instances is disallowed."?
SCP-XXXX-A instances are allowed to go in Temporary Site-XXXX with restraint permission.
"go in" could be replaced by "enter"; unsure what "restraint permission" means.
Food is to be given to instances to avoid a lack of animals inside of SCP-XXXX-Alpha.
"a lack of animals" could be replaced by "depleting the native animal population".
Instances had been found to use in combat small-scale working copies of various guns.
Past tense seems inappropriate here; "Instances are capable of using functional, smallscale copies of various firearms.", maybe?
Instances are moving at packets of 75 with a commander commanding the squad.
"Instances move in squadrons of 75, each with a designated commander."
To see a more profound description of the arrangement of squads, go to External Document-XXXX-A.
"Profound" isn't really the right word here, since it implies something philosophical and deep. "In-depth" probably works, and "go to" can be replaced by "refer to".
It appears that instances of SCP-XXXX-A's goal are to protect at all coast SCP-XXXX-B.
"The self-professed goal of SCP-XXXX-A instances is to protect SCP-XXXX-B at all costs."
SCP-XXXX-B is believed to be the ''master'' of SCP-XXXX-A instances.
Using quotation marks to excuse informal language is usually a no-go.
It is to be noted that the designation of SCP-XXXX-B is not to be considered that of an entity, but that of a belief that may or may not be true.
I don't understand this line.
SCP-XXXX was discovered at 1981|06|08 after a citizen from ████-Village reported a complaint about illegal chasing by an unknown entity.
By "chasing" do you mean hunting?
The foundation was dispatch to SCP-XXXX-Alpha and was surprisingly well repel from SCP-XXXX-A.
Capitalize "Foundation", maybe change this to something like "but was repelled by SCP-XXXX-A forces.".
1981|06|08 … 2019|03|28
Putting aside the odd date format, this story takes place over the course of 37 years? That's longer than I really would have expected, and the reference to minecraft becomes anachronistic.
At 2019|03|28, instances of SCP-XXXX-A appeared to have become fewer actives.
"fewer active SCP-XXXX-A instances have been encountered".
SCP-XXXX-B2167 has been found outside of Temporary Site-XXXX demanding to deinstall Temporary Site-XXXX.
Tense is weird; "was found outside".
Dr. Froster came to the outside to interview the instance.
Can be changed to "Dr. Froster interviewed the instance."
[Beguin Log]
"Begin"
Both your life and our life are a lie.
Somewhat complicated; "All our lives are a lie.", maybe.
What did made him want to do that?
Remove "did".
He operates on the Great Workshop. Only some Sergent can see him.
"on" —> "in", "Sergent" —> "Sergents". Additionally, this information was volunteered more quickly than I would imagine; there's no sense of hesitation on the part of the soldier.
Well… Imagine you have been created to complete a great mission. But then, you discover that this mission has never existed.
This feels a bit too… explicit. I'd prefer to see a more genuine reaction from the soldier, like he's struggling to cope with a great loss.
A dispatch team was brought to the location that SCP-XXXX-A2167 had informed in the interview.
"referenced" instead of "informed", I suppose.
The dispatch team found a cabane with a high number of carcasses of animals on the enters.
"Cabane" is a word I'm not too familiar with, have you tried "hut"? And the latter half of the sentence could be replaced by "with several animal carcasses at the entrance".
Inside the cabane, various toys, an improvised bed, and a table with a diary put on the surface were found.
You can say the diary was on the table.
I will pass all my vacation camping!
What does "vacation camping" mean and how does one pass it?
So, my error was to concentrate on making good friends.
The somewhat error-prone language actually works towards the article in Eric's sections, but I feel like saying "error" instead of "mistake" is too formal for a kid.
They will think me has a god!
"They will think I am a god!", probably.
In Minecraft, I can easily eat food without cooking.
I get that he's a kid, but this comes off as a bit unbelievable.
This is so much good. I will let it work for the night.
Probably "This is so cool. I let the Box run for the rest of the night."
When I woke up, they already were scooting the area for bullies.
"scouting" instead of "scooting", I assume.
My army is too much faithful to their original demands.
"My army is too loyal to what I told them.", or something.
I wanna have my mommy.
Again, seems a bit too on-the-nose.
[Beguin Log]
"Begin" (also, A1203's dialogue tags lack semi-colons).
He thought us has trash.
"He thought we were trash."
We will now punish him.
"And now we will punish him."
A message showing "WE'RE COMING FOR YOU ERIC" had been drawn with SCP-XXXX-B instances that were supposedly opposed to the decision.
Great final line, but I'm not sure how the Foundation deduced that the bodies left behind were the opposers. Maybe just say the message was made with bodies, and leave it at that.
Summoned via PM.
Alright, I'm going to do a basic line-by-line, because by god this needs it.
A fence around SCP-XXXX of 1 meter in height has been constructed.
Should be "A 1 meter fence has been constructed around SCP-XXXX"
Food is to be given each day to instances to avoid depleting the native animal population.
How much food? When?
SCP-XXXX is a non-anomalous boreal forest of 13 square km located at 2 Km from ████-Village.
If it's not anomalous, then it's not the SCP. This should just be "a forest" not the actual SCP. Which then makes the fencing to be "around the forest containing SCP-XXXX"
various firearms. The exact number of instances is unclear, though it is theorized to be around 3000.
Should be "various firearms, numbered at approximately 3000."
SCP-XXXX-B, nor letting personal makes contact with it.
SPaG. Should be "nor allow personnel to make contact."
2002|06|08
Gonna be honest, this is a weird way to denote the date.
The Foundation was dispatch to SCP-XXXX but was repelled by SCP-XXXX-A forces
First, SPaG, should be "dispatched"
Second, how on earth was the Foundation repelled by a bunch of tiny soldiers
Third, who did the Foundation send? Just "someone"?
After various attempts from MTF units, it has been decided by the Ethics Committee that a barrier around SCP-XXXX-A be installed.
Typically, only 1 MTF is sent at a time.
Interview Log
This entire section's dialogue is rough. Try reading them aloud. Many of these lines don't sound like something people would actually say.
Document B
Also really rough. I don't know how old Eric is, but the way he speaks is incredibly strange. Sometimes he uses proper grammar, sometimes he doesn't. He knows what a salad is, but doesn't know about eating raw meat. It's just very strange.
Interview Log-2
Again, dialogue is rough. People don't really talk like that. Things like "He. Abandons. Us." should be past tense or "He didn't take his responsibility as a God." where it should be just "God" and not "a God".
Please explain to me how a bunch of tiny soldiers killed Foundation transfer members. Firearms are powerful, but at the scale of the miniature soldiers, they can't actually cause much harm because of how physics works.
Now, having a few casualties is fine, but 30 entire vehicles? That's a lot of people to die to tiny soldiers.
Overall, I didn't like this. I didn't feel anything when I read this. The SCP just seems to be "dangerous thing does dangerous things" and whatever message you had planned to be in this narrative was lost.
As a side note: I didn't really scour for SPaG or clinical tone and only pointed out the ones that jumped out to me.
Ok. So first off, thank you for the feedback. Secondly, the Foundation didn't succeed to contain the object because the tiny soldiers were a lot. (I guess I could just make the weapon shooting anomalous stuff so that it's more understandable). And each 30 vehicle contains approximately 1000 little soldiers. I hope it will make more sense.
I'm flight officer Impperatrix and I'm here to make it clear…
I'll begin with the bad news. There are some inconsistencies within the article. Let's start with the major one: Foundation here is very silly. I've made a list of times that the Foundation acts against its principles or is showed as too incompetent.
There also some minor mistakes:
Don't get me wrong, I loved the idea of someone playing god and paying the price for it. Eric is one of my favorite characters of the canon and I think he's too underused, so I'd love to see it as another addition to Eric's lore. Your references to other SCP are welcomed to the story as well.
My advice to you is to turn the soldiers THE SCP. SCP-XXXX (The forest) is not very important to the story beyond being the location for the events and as it is not anomalous (or at least does not seem so), its classification as an SCP is out of context. Excluding Eric's "physical" presence from the skip as -A and focusing on the toys is narratively more interesting. I (as a reader) know Eric and I don't care about the forest, I want to read about the soldiers, their feelings against their master for abandoning them, their strange diplomacy with the Foundation, how they hunt, etc. Focusing on the soldiers will make your SCP more polished and interesting (at least in my opinion). You have a great idea in your hands and you're already making progress, you just need to take a better direction.
Good Luck!
Thank you for this feeback. It will really help me.
I was summoned again via PM!
The exact number of SCP-XXXX instances is unclear, though it is theorized to be around 3000.
I think "The exact number of SCP-XXXX instances is unclear, though it is approximately around 3000" sounds better.
The self-professed goal of SCP-XXXX instances is to protect an unidentified entity at all costs.
Maybe this is something to do with your headcanon, but shouldn't the Foundation try to investigate what is this entity and what does it do? They just try to research about this entity after addendum 2, when it's gone.
Addendum 1 After the fence around the forest containing SCP-XXXX was installed, an instance of SCP-XXXX came alone to Temporary Site-XXXX to express their gratitude for the installation of the barrier.
This still being a problem for me. What this addendum is saying is basically "Your prison is ineffective, the skip can easily escape from it". It's not a terrible thing as the soldiers are occupied just protecting the area inside the barrier but feel odd to me that the Foundation is not trying to fix this.
I sawed Joey running from the soldiers outside.
The character Joey isn't very impacting. He looks like just a Deus Ex Machina when he saves Eric here. I suggest you develop the bears or take an alternative way to save Eric from the soldiers. Also, it's still silly that the Foundation, a security behemoth, hasn't seen this little boy and his teddy bear running away.
On 2019/03/12, at the transfer of SCP-XXXX-A instances to Site-19, all 30 vehicles containing the instances had lost all objects, and all personnel has been terminated.
I forgot to talk about that at my first crit, but this massacre thing sounds like the skip is overpowered. It would be better if the battle was "even", but the soldiers managed to run.
I also forgot to say: You can show addendum 3 and 4. These little notes minimize these events' importance. Try to narrate more than you describe!
The tone has completely changed since you focused the SCP on the soldiers and you improved the narrative. You can turn it even better if you change something about these topics above. Every time I read this draft I see how much potential you have with this story, you just need to polish your ideas.
Don't forget to review the SCP names! Sometimes you use SCP-XXXX-A or SCP-XXXX-B wrongfully!
Good luck and good writing!
Thank you. Eric ran away a very long time ago, that's why the Foundation didn't catch him. I guess I should have made it more clear in the documents. Also, they don't try to research this entity because they don't want to risk the little soldiers becoming angry at the Foundation.
Hello again!
The article improved a lot since I first saw it. The narrative was changed and improved for good and I'm very happy about it. However, I still think that you should show us what happened at Addenda 1 and 4. They are very important to the narrative and in this form of little descriptions you're not showing the potential narratives that you have there.
Also, you should ask someone for SPaG review as I'm not good with it!
Bawower,
As talked about in the IRC, I went ahead and started to give your sandbox a LBL, I think it could be a very interesting article, however, there is some clear Spag, tense, and clinical tone as well as other issues. I did a real brief LBL of the first two sections for you (as stated work got in the way). I unfortunately am not as great a critter as others in this thread. So please pardon the lack of style, I may even be re-hashing things that have already been said and addressed. Hopefully this short review could offer some more insight into how to help your article read a bit clearer and clinical. Love the Toy Soldier angle tho.
items addressed in "()"
Special Containment Procedures: A 3.5-meter (HIGH?) fence around the forest containing SCP-XXXX has been constructed. Any civilian attempting to access the (maybe move the fence description here so that the SCP part opens with restrictions, not descriptions) zone is to be given Class-A amnestics. Attempts to make contact with the entity controlling the instances (instance? Or instances OF SCP-XXXX?) are forbidden. 2000 calories of food (what kind? I would say “supplemental nutrition in the form of….”) are to be delivered each day (use “daily”?) to avoid depleting the native animal population. Temporary (Why Temporary?) Site-XXXX has been constructed 13 meters (this feels kinda unclear of its ACTUAL location in the forest) inside the forest. If monitored, SCP-XXXX instances are allowed to enter the Site.
Description: SCP-XXXX instances are sentient, small-scale plastic copies (resembling, is a better word) (approximately 20 cm in height) (This does not need to be in parenthesis) of soldiers from the US military (any particular branch?). Instances are constantly (replace this with “known to use”) using functional, small-scale copies (versions) of various firearms as much effective as non-anomalous firearms in combats (this reads a bit clunky.) The firearms used by instances include (but are not restricted to) AK-47, Rocket Launcher, or Long Range Rifles (keep the purlarity here consistent.) The exact number of SCP-XXXX instances is unclear (unknown), though it is approximately (presumed) around 3000. Instances move in squadrons of 75, each with a designated commander.1 (elaborate on this)
The self-professed (“self” not need) goal of SCP-XXXX instances is to protect an unidentified entity at all costs. At times, squads chase animals inside of SCP-XXXX to feed this (maybe word it as The squads will often coral forst animals in attack fromations in missions to satiate the unknown entity). SCP-XXXX instances are not willing to give more information about the entity, nor are allowing personnel to make contact with it. If a subject enters too deep into the center of the forest containing SCP-XXXX, instances will act aggressively to the subject.
"Ph'nglui mglw'nafh Cthulhu R'lyeh wgah'nagl fhtagn"
This feels like a rushed summary of an interesting story; where there's like, interviews/logs/journal notes being used to show stuff but not the actually like, hugely interesting bits of the story, which just kinda take place off screen.
Like, we never really see the SCP instances en masse go from being extremely pro-Eric and basically willing to do anything he says to them deciding to hunt him down, so it feels like the plot is being forced to happen over us naturally like, seeing the views change. There is some reasoning provided within Addendum 3 to like, retroactively explain this but none of it feels… very compelling? It's the kinda thing that sounds like the sort of speech you'd give when people are already in favour of killing eric, not the sort of speech you'd give to make people want to kill eric.
Equally, we never see the Foundation preparing to transport the SCP instances or see how they escape, so the news of them escaping feels… sudden and weird, instead of like a natural development of the plot.
Eric's journal here is the most interesting part of this SCP in terms of the writing you've included, but it's also not really something that adds to the story: we already know Eric has left, and Eric made the SCP, so it feels like it's just kinda spending a lot of words doing characterisation that ultimately doesn't really feel like it's helping the actual narrative you're telling because none of the character of Eric actually matters here. I think the solution would be allowing the journal of Eric to actually like, reveal more? Have Eric be concerned the soldiers are turning against him and stuff, y'know?
I'm not an expert on Eric but the characterisation of him here feels… odd in a way I can't quite put my finger on; so it might be worth getting someone who has written some Eric stuff to take a look and see what they think.
Gonna note that I can miss stuff; flag things which are right as being wrong and indeed flag things which are deliberately wrong.
I'll likely use strikethrough to indicate stuff to remove and green text to indicate stuff to add.
Any civilian attempting to access the zone is to be given Class-A amnestics.
At this point in reading, 'the zone' isn't well defined and so the reader is unable to like, get how it ties into the SCP.
This flows into the next sentence:
A 3.5-meter high fence around the forest containing SCP-XXXX has been constructed.
Where it's unclear whether 'the zone' and 'the forest containing SCP-XXXX' are the same thing (like, they are, it's made clear later but you have to make it clear here)
2000 calories of food are to be delivered daily to avoid depleting the native animal population.
This is again a touch vague: delivered daily where?
If monitored, SCP-XXXX instances are allowed to enter the Site.
I'd probably reorder so the 'SCP-XXXX instances' is at the start of the sentence and the 'if monitored' is at the end.
SCP-XXXX instances are sentient, small-scale plastic copies, approximately 20 cm in height resembling soldiers from the US military.
Something like:
SCP-XXXX instances are sapient, small-scale plastic copies of US military soldiers which are approximately 20cm in height.
Might work better; at the moment 'plastic copies' doesn't specify what they're copies of in a satisfying way and it reads a little clunkily. It also seems like these things are intelligent, and so 'sapient' is more accurate but?
Instances are known to use functional, small-scale versions of various firearms as muchwhich are as effective as non-anomalous ones.
'non-anomalous ones' feels maybe weird here; perhaps 'effective as standard sized versions' would be better?
The firearms used by instances include, but are not restricted to AK-47, Rockets Launcher, orand Long Ranges Rifles.
'include' already implies a non-definitive list so 'but are not restricted to' is unnecessary. It's also a list of firearms, you use 'and' within lists, not 'or'
Also this is a weird list: AK-47's are a specific weapon, rocket launchers are a specific type of weapon and 'long range rifles' are just kinda a vague concept; and so it feels… odd. I'd probably suggest something like "assault rifles, sniper rifles and rocket launchers" here, partially since 'rocket launchers' feel like the 'biggest' here and so it has a better sense of escalation.
The exact number of SCP-XXXX instances is unknown, though it is presumed to be around 3000.
'estimated' might be better than 'presumed' since 'presumed' makes it sound a lot like they just plucked a number out of their ass instead of doing something to try to figure it out.
The squads will often attack animals in missions to satiate the unknown entity.
The 'in missions' is awkwardly inserted into the sentence here; 'The squads will often engage in missions to attack animals to satiate the unknown entity' might be better if you want to keep it but the repetition of 'to' is a little clunky; so it might be best to just cut it.
SCP-XXXX instances are not willing to give morefurther information about the entity, nor are allowingallow personnel to make contact with it.
'further' is stylistic: it sounds better to me here than 'more' does; as does the 'are allowing' to 'allow' change.
If a subject enters too deep into the center of the forest containing SCP-XXXX, instances will act aggressively to the subject.
this flows poorly. something like "If a subject gets too close to the center of the forest containing SCP-XXXX, the instances will begin to act aggressively towards the subject' might read better.
I would also contextualise the forest at some point before saying this; you spend a lot of time talking about the instances in relation to the forest but there's not really a clear idea of like, what the forest is or where.
after a citizen from ████-Village reported
village names don't usually work like this: having the village be part of the name at all is weird but even if it was, it wouldn't be hyphenated.
Also like, why is the person reading this document not allowed to know what village it is? Presumably they are assigned to work on the SCP, and so in turn, need to know where it is so they can y'know, go there? And if they do know where the SCP is otherwise, presumably there's only a very short list of villages it could be?
This also feels like an opportunity to like, give an indication of where in the world this is: like is it the rainforest of brazil, a pine forest of northern europe, a deciduous forest?
Various MTF units2
Not really a fan of 'various MTF units' followed by a footnote list of which ones; feels like the list should just be in the text.
Addendum 1 After the fence
missing colon after 1; same goes for all your addendum starts so I'm not gonna flag it again.
a singularity SCP-XXXX instance came alone inside of the fence to express their gratitude for the installation.
I believe you mean 'singular'; since 'singularity' is very different.
You must wait another 100 years of protection to see the face of God!
'You must provide another 100 years …' would read better here; or 'You must wait another 100 years to see…'
At 2019/03/28, fewer active SCP-XXXX
'As of 2019/03/28,…' would read better.
After investigation, it has been theorized that approximately 20% of SCP-XXXX instances have committed self-termination.
It feels… odd to note the investigation like this? Iunno, it feels very summarised and a little unsatisfying.
Interviewed: SCP-XXXX-2167
I'd probably use something in the description to note this is how you're designating individual instances.
demanding to deinstall the Site.
'deinstall' feels awkward here; maybe 'demanding the site be deconstructed'.
You also only need to capitalise site if you're referring to the designation specifically (i.e. if it's Site-31, capitalise site, otherwise do not)
Are you in deny?
'Are you in denial?' would make more grammatical sense but not really fit the flow better; I don't quite know the best thing to say here beyond 'not this'.
Oh shit. Uh. Could I ask you one question before I accept?
This just, feels really weird? Iunno, it feels like 2167 is just, very quickly deciding to abandon the standard position of never talking about this stuff to talk about this
Inside the cabane, various toys, an improvised bed, and a diary with the name "Eric"3
this feels like a weird place to reveal it is actually the usual eric? Like it's not the first time Eric shows up which feels late for the Foundation to note it; but there's not any info given to a reader yet that makes us suspect it so it kinda feels like narratively you're giving the game a way? I'd probably just let the style of the notes show it tbh
I find it hard to buy that eric can spell 'appreciable' but not 'berries'
I had a little bit of misery to sleep on last night so I hope the new bed will help me sleep.
'I had a little bit of misery to sleep on last night' is weirdly phrased; maybe 'I had a bad nights sleep last night' or something would be better? Or 'Last nights sleep was miserable' or something.
The issue is 'bit of misery' isn't a physical thing so when you say 'to sleep on', it's like this awkward 'you're saying eric sleeps on misery' thing that doesn't make sense.
Note: I forgot to tell#green|writen uncomfortable bed not comfortable.
Day 2.5
This feels awkward: I'd probably indicate a time (e.g. 'Day 2 Evening' say)
Joey doe's not like me.
errant '
At first, I screamed at him and gone to the cabane to cry.
'before going' would be better than 'and gone'
Now that I am calm, I can be concentrate on finding a solution.
Ok, so since friends don't shout at otherseach other, it means that I am the bad guy.
So it means that now I have, and will come to him TO APOLOGISE!!!
this is awkward; maybe 'So it means I have to go to him TO APOLOGISE!!!' would be better?
(berries is#green|are## just not that great)
I don't think it will be necessary to cook them. When mom cook, the meats look good enough.
This reads really weirdly like, Eric flips between 'don't need to cook 'em' and 'when mum cooks them, they look good' so like… surely he does want to cook them?
Investigation has shown that 67% of instances have a desire to neutralize Eric. A demand for transfer has been sent to Site-19
This feels weirdly sudden; like it kinda feels like it needs some indication of time passing to like explain the shift, or something narrative explaining it before this.
He abandoned us! And his decision resulted in the greatest genocide in our society.
This feels weird: it's not actually very clear to the reader what caused so many of the instances to die, or even whether this is referring to the original fight with the foundation or the later large scale losses referred to before the Eric notes.
On 2019/03/12, atduring the transfer of the SCP-XXXX instances to Site-19, all 30 vehicles containing the instances had lost all objects.
This feels… idk. Weirdly incompetent?
Thanks a lot for the Feedback! It will help me a lot.
This feels narratively like you've taken a step in the right direction to getting it to work better but it still feels awkwardly paced. Like, there's ~1000 words between 'Eric has abandoned us' and 'We should kill Eric' but there's only 294 from there to them busting out of containment to actually go and do it; and it ends up making this piece feel like it's dragging itself out a lot to even get to the ending and then it just, accelerates off into the sunset without giving anything enough time to have weight to it.
The like, Eric journal entries feel a little better this time in terms of narrative weight but they also feel inconsistent with the narrative: like, the implication from later material is the soldiers is that they only started getting hostile towards eric long after he left; but yet… they apparently shot at him (their god!) two days after he made them so it just kinda feels weird??
I think the crux of the problem isn't actually either of these things per se so much as there being no weight to the soldiers deciding to hunt down eric because it's like… kinda abstract as a threat? I don't really have an intuitive grasp of how successful they'll be and on some level, the story of them doing that feels like it might actually be the most interesting thing here which gives this the feeling of a prologue to a more interesting work.
Gonna note that I can miss stuff; flag things which are right as being wrong and indeed flag things which are deliberately wrong.
I'll likely use strikethrough to indicate stuff to remove and green text to indicate stuff to add.
Any civilian attempting to access Le-Monnier Woods is to be given Class-A amnestics.
IMO: you need to contextualise a) where in the world Le-Monnier Woods are (the obvious answer is 'france' since it sounds french but they're actually in canada, based of the discovery section anyway) and b) that the SCP is in some way related to the woods here.
This feels like you've attempted to contextualise 'the zone' and 'the forest' better but not in the right way: the lack of context was how they tied into the SCP like, is the SCP in the forest? Is the SCP the forest?
2000 calories of food are to be delivered daily to avoid depleting the native animal population.
delivered daily to where? The forest? Site-XXXX?
Site-XXXX has been constructed 13 meters into the center of the forest.
treating the center of the forest as an area like this feels a little awkward
versions of various firearms which are as much effective as standard-sized versions.
The firearms used by the instances include Assault Rifles, Sniper Rifles, and Rocket Launchers.
none of these need to be capitalised.
Instances are located in the boreal forest, Le-Monnier Woods.
This is very late into the piece to tie the SCP into the woods and really needs to be like, the first sentence in the ConProcs if you're going to refer to the woods.
The squads will often attack animals for satiatingto satiate the unknown entity.
As of 2019/03/28, fewer active SCP-XXXX instances have been encountered.
This is 12 years after the discovery of the SCP; which feels… weirdly long? Like, the implication is that Eric left the workshop after like, two weeks?
Dr. Froster: How much time do you think it has been gone?
I'm not sure about 'it has' here; it feels like 'he has' or 'they have' might be better; like, with Froster treating the god a little more respectfully.
Dr. Froster: Without trying to force your hand, in the same time your God isn't-
2167: Ok fine.
2167 just, immediately jumping in to answer feels kinda weird still.
The way the machine breaking is introduced here feels… weird. Like, oddly dispassionate? Eric doesn't feel sad or anything just, mildly inconvenienced and it's… odd? idk I expect him to be more beat up but?
Document XXXX-B is not to be shown to instances.
this kinda implies other documents like, can be shown to the instances which is a little weird
Each instance where recaptured and put into vehicles with ease due to the uncompression of local fauna from instances.
i don't know what you mean by 'uncompression of local fauna from instances'
Hi there Bawower. Sorry for the long wait. Let’s take a look at your draft!
graphics
Very cool. I like the animation when I first enter the page.
the forest containing the SCP-XXXX instance (Le-Monnier Woods, located in Canada)
Off the bat, this is confusing. Is SCP-XXXX the woods? Or are the woods just an instance of SCP-XXXX? Usually, I’d recommend talking about the actual SCP-XXXX from the very start to avoid confusion.
A 3.5-meter high fence around Le-Monnier Woods has been constructed.
This line could actually be the first line of your conprocs.
Site-XXXX has been constructed inside the forest, 4 meters from the barrier.
Again, having trouble picturing this: the Site is 4 meters from the barrier? But how large is the Site?
2000 calories of food are to be delivered daily at Site-XXXX to avoid depleting the native animal population.
Why is not depleting the native population important though? Rather, to create mystery, I would simply say that the native animal population has already been depopulated, hence the need to feed whatever’s inside.
A squad of SCP-XXXX instances will go to Site-XXXX to take the delivery. SCP-XXXX instances are allowed to enter the site if monitored. Attempts to make contact with the entity controlling the SCP-XXXX instances are forbidden.
Okay, so this is interesting. It tells me there’s some mind-control shit going on, and that the greater threat is still within the Site. However, I would still make it clear where the squad comes from? Simply “going to Site-XXXX” is pretty vague.
SCP-XXXX instances are sapients
“sapients” -> “sapient”.
and had never been recorded
“had” -> “have”. There are other SPaG errors throughout that I won’t correct. Recommend you use a language-checker like Grammarly before posting.
Instances are known to use functional, small-scale versions of various firearms which are as effective as standard-sized versions
While this sounds cools, I’m having trouble picturing the logic of this. How can they be “as effective” if the bullets are smaller in size? You’re defying the laws of physics here.
All attempts to take firearms from instances have failed.
I don’t see how this would fail? Perhaps you should elaborate on what happens when this is attempted to show why it’s impossible?
Instances consider the entity as a powerful deity form.
Language error: Remove “form.”
Since a stronger attack would result in the neutralization of SCP-XXXX
How did the Foundation come to this conclusion?
it has been decided by the Ethics Committee
Why involve this body? I don’t see any ethical dilemmas or situations thus far?
a singular SCP-XXXX instance came inside of the fence to express their gratitude for the installation.
This description is difficult to picture. It “came inside” meaning it crossed over to the Foundation side? Or what?
Interviewed: SCP-XXXX-0279
Make it clear that this instance is labelled as such. If not, we don’t know why it’s labelled as 0279.
Dr. Froster: Uh, sorry what is it exactly?
I think the doctor can afford to be more specific here. “What is it” can refer to the situation or the entity or the instance here.
hypnotic ring
my Box Multiplicator
My issue with the rest of the logs is that the process for creating these soldiers is hinted at, but not made entirely clear. It says later on that the soldiers are made of organic matter? How? Why? Once Eric had left, how did the commanders go about doing this?
I think some persons are trying to steal my creation or something.
This is also a little problematic. I’m guessing you’re referring to the Foundation’s first foray into the woods here? First of, why would Eric assume that people are trying to steal his stuff. Second, if he did escape, wouldn’t the Foundation have caught him trying to scale the fence?
I will stop eating poor animals for the rest of my life.
This food angle is also confusing to me, as you seem to be suggesting that the soldiers are reproducing themselves through these sacrifices of animals? Hmm. So at first, they cooked the meat for Eric? Then they started constructing instances using the meat? It’s all a little confusing. If the Foundation knew this was happening, why continue to feed the scp with organic matter in order to allow them to reproduce?
(+/-) Concept is fun overall. I like the idea of one’s creations turning on their creator, and the significance (or lack thereof) of their questline for revenge. I do think, however, the intricacies of how the process works (from creation to containment) can be clarified a little better.
(-) Tone-wise, I’m a little iffy of. First of, all of the instances speak the same way. I’m not sure if this was the intention, but it sorta defeats the purpose if you’re trying to portray the instances as human-like as possible. Secondly, Dr. Froster comes across as nonchalant at best, incompetent at worst. He doesn’t speak like a Foundation staff who’s taking the containment procedures or interviews seriously enough, so I wasn’t too surprised at the end when the scp-xxxx instances all managed to break loose.
Overall, I would no-vote this at the moment, though it’s tending towards an up-vote.
If you decide to revise the draft / respond below, do drop me another PM and I’ll try to take another look. All the best for now with the writing!
Thanks for the feedback! The un-characterization problem wasn't my intention. I will try to make them feel unique. Also, the Foundation didn't find Eric because they didn't have a fence at the time.
It says later on that the soldiers are made of organic matter?
What I meant by that was that the instances use other lifeforms to become other Box-Multiplicator. It will be more clear now that I changed it to Frog-Multiplicator.
Hello Bawower!
this got buried in my other requests, sorry about the wait!
(noting I won't be covering any potential grammar or spelling inconsistencies)
General thoughts:
Overall I found this relatively interesting, though have a couple concerns with the skips' method of replication. Personally, this part of narrative felt a bit under developed, as there wasn't really much on why/how animals (assumably from what I've read, I could be missing context), are just able to replicate things (along with how the "god" and the skips managed to find this out initially).- Using the logic from this, it seems odd that there isn't more instances of this sort of skip around the world.
-I feel this aspect may work a bit better if the "god", gave some sort of hints or references on how he learnt to do this initially. Same goes for the hypnosis ring, as it currently feels a bit forced IMO with no context behind it.
Other than that however, caspian2 has already covered my concerns tone and dialogue wise.
Let me know if/when your interested in further crit :)
Cheers,
RED
Thank you for the criticism! I will try to correct the mistakes you pointed out.
But for how Eric is creating the objects, I don't think it would be a good idea. Eric already made a lot of objects. He is a Poi. So I think that explaining how he's making these things would be a bad idea for the headcanon of peoples. We don't really need to know, we just need to know what the effects of its environment are. I decided it would be better to give inspiration from his uncle or his comics to make it more clear anyway.
Resummoned by PM:
Here are some final, overall impressions:
- I'm still unclear why the truck crashes at the end. At first, you mention that the Agent did it on purpose (if so, why?). Then, the footnote says an "anomalous object" was used to crash the truck (meaning the Agent was co-erced?) So which is it? I feel it's a stronger ending if the anomalies took action to breach containment on their own in their quest to take revenge on Eric.
- There are still several SPaG errors (I've spotted a couple just in your opening sentences alone). I do get a sense you're not a native speaker, so I would highly recommend you get someone else to run through the writing with you line-by-line.
- My last point is to do with the Foundation's competence (or rather, the lack of it). Pretty much all the Foundation does here is erect a fence and ask some questions. Other than that, it does a pretty poor job of actually containing the instances. Dr. Froster shows a little more concern, sure, but he doesn't reach any conclusions as the lead investigator on the project, or recommendations as to how to move forward to contain the massive breach. Perhaps you could add an addendum at the end (or an update to the conprocs at the start) that highlight additional security measures to be taken to protect this "Eric", for example.
Thanks for your criticism! Looking back, it is true that there's a difference between "on purpose" and "hypnotized". As for the spags errors, I did put more work into it. Too bad I am not really good.
