A Simple Bar

Summary:

Serving Drinks to all dimensions!

A Simple Bar

Spaser 25 Jan 2021 16:21

Hello, this is my first attempt at an SCP and this is my first draft of it as well. I'll take any critique I can get. 4,184 words but its all divided into sections so I don't think its too hard to read, it's a very dialogue heavy SCP. Also i'm sorry for any formatting errors I'm still kind of new to the wikidot syntax.

Greenlights: http://scp-wiki.wikidot.com/forum/t-13969546/a-simple-bar#post-4864626
Draft: http://scp-sandbox-3.wikidot.com/spaser

My main Concerns:
-Clinical tone
-Pacing
-Dialogue

I'm trying to go for a kind of Foundation antagonist story so let me know if I can improve on that aspect. Thank You.
Edit: As of April 7th the draft has undergone a massive rewrite.

Last edited on 07 Apr 2021 15:33 by Spaser Show more

Re: A Simple Bar

Sirslash47 30 Jan 2021 13:36

General thoughts; very nice idea and foundations. Somewhat decently worked out but there are some issues and quite some mistakes. I advise you to reread your draft a couple of times since I most likely didn't find everything. Below are suggestions and please keep in mind that comma's are not my specialty (mostly know this from my own experience/typo's). After my crit I advise you to come to the chat (#thecritters) for more critique.

Open crit

Containments

Should SCP-XXXX shift from its current location

I suggest "to another location".

MTF-Gama 13

This should be "MTF Gamma-13" (Goes for the whole draft).

…and administer class B amnestics to witnesses of SCP-XXXX's appearance.

I recommend "to all witnesses".

Following Incident-XXXX-B,… Anoumalous Object Storage Site-134… Site-19…

I'm also not a big fan of SCP-XXXX's. I recommend a capital S for Site-X or a named Site. (Goes for the whole draft.)

---

Description and discovery

10 x 9 x 4 m

Not sure about the spaces but you forgot your unit.

SCP-XXXX-1. However,…

…between dimensions, however, (You can also make this two sentences alternatively.)

The inside of SCP-XXXX resembles that of a small bar containing booths and stools, with an adherent restroom and a backroom. The latter has proven to be only accessible for SCP-XXXX-1.

I advice this. Also mind the spelling of accessible.

You have "'30s" which should be "30's". You can also divide here in two sentences. The next one would be:

SCP-XXXX-1 has yet to be identified by any government database, however, it will respond to the name "Craig".

Although SCP-XXXX is owned by SCP-XXXX-1,

Very little is known about SCP-XXXX-2 and what is known is because of interactions with SCP-XXXX-1.

This is not very clinical. I would do something like "All information about SCP-XXXX-2 directly comes from SCP-XXXX-1."

indeterminate, height,…

I think this first comma is unnecessary.

…Site-158. (I recommend splitting the sentence. Another split after SCP-XXXX-1 so that the third sentence starts with "However,…")
…out of SCP-XXXX…

I'd change this to "outside,"

When SCP-XXXX-1 was released,… occurred,…

Your most frequent typo's are capital letters and comma's throughout the whole article. That is why I recommended you to reread a bit more.

---

Interview-XXXX-A

I think the brackets [these] are not needed and that this could be normal text. This is just preference.
About the time at the beginning and at the end of the logs (for all interviews/addenda) you miss one or have an extra unneeded space sometimes.

As soon…

Sit down! You thirsty?

Names Craig…

Not sure about this. I know you want to have an accent/atmosphere but "Names" doesn't really hit it for me.

Sure am, Started…

Either drop the capital S on started or go "Sure am. Started…" (I personally like the latter.)

mid 20's.

Huh? I'm sorry, I don't

Oh sorry, um I'm…

Not sure about "um". I do not know which alternative should be a good correction. Perhaps cursive helps a bit.

Sorry, but he hasn't…

I'm sorry to hear that.

You say he found it,…

HA! Now that is a funny story.

I'd personally just use "Ha!" (also goes for further in the article) but you can do that if you want. I think that is a bit smoother.

I'm sure it is, but can you give me the short version?

Ah yeah, no prob… We would always… screwdriver…

This sentence is way too long for me. I suggest simply dividing it.

As long as I breathe, I'll never forget that moment of how happy he looked.

Same alinea, the "of" is just an alternative I personally think is better.

Ha! Sorry sir, I got kinda carried way.

I would also put the "kinda" before "got" or arrange it a bit.

…table.

How did you know about Site-158?

How does the Doctor know that SCP-XXXX-1 knows about this place? He did not state this and for as far as I know this could be completely random.

I'm sorry, but I'm afraid I don't have time for anymore stories. The last one was long enough.

This. Together with my last question this is a big plothole. He will give him information that is critical to know of information leaks/possible breaches. And he just… ignores it/says no? This is not something Foundation personnel would do. I know he doesn't like the duration/storytelling but this does not make much sense.

Ah yeah, sorry. Yeah, this guy told me about this place and said there was a bunch of people here.

After "Yeah", "Hey", "Oh" and some other things there are likely comma's.

Sorry sir,

I can't really want to talk about it.

Either drop "want to" or change "can't" to "don't".

Won't. I'm really sorry, it's very personal to me.

If this is too out of character perhaps "I won't." or "I won't talk about it." is less aggressive.
Also this is the second time that he does not provide information.

Well then I suppose we are done here.

I know that the Foundation is not always the most pushy but I wonder if the Doctor would really not take more action. Also I recommend a comma either after "Well" or "then".

---

Shift_Log-XXXX-A

…Site-158… Gamma-13

Are you missing the VCA here? (I honestly don't know.)
I also am not a fan of the █. It seems a bit out of place. If you don't want to name a specific place you can always say something like "X km south of [townname]". That gives a lot of play in my opinion.

---

Interview-XXXX-B

Hey, it's you again! Welcome, come for a drink or do you got some more questions for me?

I'd use "did you come" instead of come but that is personnal preference.

Your call,…

Are you aware that you are now…

…that other place. Weird thing is, I tried moving the place to a different dimension but I couldn't get it outta this one.

I would split the sentence so it seems a bit more natural. I honestly don't know if a comma is needed after "dimension".

…his seat.

Also not sure if you should use "he" or "it" in the article. It is part of an SCP but it is confirmed male. I advise you to ask this to someone better in clinical tone when you get the opportunity.

Well, you see, that is a bit of a tricky situation. Not too long back this place picked up a new manager after an incident, and let's just say he keeps bumping up the rent.

I would suggest this.

…me asking?

I don't really know. I've only seen him once or twice in person. (removed ever)

I would do this. I only think you missed the pronoun "him" though. I think this can work with a comma. (When unsure also I also try to split sentences.)

I'm sorry sir, but can we change the subject? He doesn't really like me actively discussing the business side of things.
Is there something, in particular, you want to turn the interview to?

So here again the subject changes and the Foundation also does not get a lot of important information. The stance is quite passively for something that can pop up everywhere and cause a ruckus. I don't say that you can't do this, but I feel like the Foundation does not seem in control/capable from my perspective here. Also by withholding information to create mystery is ok but your narrative suffers a bit from it. It does not engage me a lot. At this point I want to know a bit more even if it is rather small.

Hmm not really. Want to hear a joke? A duck walks into a ba-

If you want you can put the "Hmm" in cursive.

Thank you, but I think…

After "Thank you", "Thanks", … it is also very likely to have a comma.

After Dr. Holt exited, SCP-XXXX-1 was seen entering the room in the back.

Who saw this? How did they see this?

---

Shift_Log-XXXX-B
…was conducted, … after the shift.
For the rest nothing out of the ordinary. What I said about █ still applies. I recommend just vaguely mentioning a mountain,… in Russia. (Blackboxes distract a lot.)

---

Interview-XXXX-C

As Dr. Holt walks in, …

Not sure if the comma is needed but seems smoother.

Ok fine, but at the very least let me open the bar and start making some money. My deadline is a couple days away and I haven't gotten anything because no matter where I go you guys just shut me down.

"Ok", "Okay" is another one of these things that often have a comma. It applies to a lot of short things but I don't know how you say that in English.

I'm sorry, but we can't let you do that. It's against our policy, and if you were to be open we would not be able to study SCP-XXXX.

It's Craig and John's!

…sweat profusely.

---

The Email

…certain staff members without naming any names…

You say the same with less words. This is more clinical.

…a charity. We are here to study…

To be honest this seems like a very good mail. I personally would say "disciplinary action" instead of reprimanded. But I don't mind it actually.

---

Incident-XXXX-A

15 hours after Interview-XXXX-C, SCP-XXXX shifted rapidly once again … numerous different… Site-158…

Quite a lot of text at once. I recommend a blank line somewhere to make two small alineas. Not necessary. Small nitpick. A few cursive lines do not have a dot at the end in this transcript.

Guess it's too late to get that on the house drink.

Alternatively you can use "I guess".

Because of you and your people you've put me in the worse situation possible for me. My deadline is tomorrow and I've got fuck all to pay it with.

What happens…

Well, I've got to say, wasn't expecting the broken nose. Whoever SCP-XXXX-2 is, SCP-XXXX-1 must be really scared of him to act like this. Luckily due to SCP-XXXX-1's lack of funding, we may very well find out soon. Although, next time I'm sending someone else to do the interview. - Dr. Rosen Holt

Why would he come in alone after last interview when he showed signs of instability? Also how is it possible that no one interferes? But the thing that really doesn't get to me is how he does not take action (once again) after literally being assaulted. The Foundation would not take this lightly in my opinion.

---

Incident-XXXX-B
Same again for the █ but I actually think you nailed it in terms of "vagueness". You suggest it is somewhere in a field,… which I really like. I'm sorry for not linking it before but if you like good examples of █ you should check this link.

Once Dr. Smithson had arrived… SCP-XXXX-1 proceeded to place the body into an empty grave and started to bury it before being incapacitated and taken into Foundation custody.

…mid to late 20's

…his abdomen. However,…

---

Addendum-XXXX
Not much to say. I just wonder how it lead to this as well. (This is quite a big step up/escalation.)

---

Whilst I really like the idea of your SCP and the concept, you need to get your narrative a bit smoother. I suggest getting more crit (like every other article needs it). If you come to the IRC chat you are also more likely to find someone for tone/dialogue etc. specifically.

One last helpful link might be the seminar notes. They quite helped me in the past.

I wish you very much good luck. I can't wait to see the end result.

Last edited on 30 Jan 2021 18:35 by Sirslash47 Show more

Re: A Simple Bar

Spaser 01 Feb 2021 16:08

Thank you for the Critique, I'm working on ironing out all of the errors you pointed out but because of other projects it may take a while. I'm going to look into the seminar notes as well. Thank you :D.

Re: A Simple Bar

cybersqyd 18 Feb 2021 13:42

Oh hey I got to this a little sooner than I expected nice

[+] Overall

This doesn't quite land right and I'm not exactly sure why.

On the one hand, the Foundation's actions here feel deeply cruel, though idk if that's just because of knowing what happens because of them? Like, Holt in particular feels like he spends the whole piece being an asshole without really getting a comeuppance beyond a broken nose; and even then, he still thinks he's in the right.

On the other, I think the death feels sudden in a way that doesn't feel shocking and I'm not sure why. I think it's because this piece is extremely focussed on how -1 feels, and so there's not really any emotional connection to -2 or like, sense of investment in how -1 feels about his brother. Like, the relationship and stuff is mentioned in the first interview but there's about 2000 words between the last mention of the brother and the death of his brother and it feels… iffy.

I think it ending on the death of the brother is a little iffy too; there's a part of me that kinda feels like the brother should die first and then the SCP should attack Holt but in a more, blazingly angry way? Idk if this would give this the emotional climax it needs though.

There's a very small part of me that's like, why are all these extra-dimensional folk humanoids, like, just, wanting you to go weird with this y'know? Have there be this kinda, uncanny valley thing around the barkeeper where they're almost but not quite human, whereas here they're like. indistinguishable from a person from earth in every way.

[+] Line By Line

Gonna note that I can miss stuff; flag things which are right as being wrong and indeed flag things which are deliberately wrong.
I'll likely use strikethrough to indicate stuff to remove and green text to indicate stuff to add.

Special Containment Procedures:

I'd use an 'Archived Containment Procedures' collapsible here so you don't need a huge block of struck through text that's awkward to read.

Following Incident-XXXX-B, a fenced perimeter is to be maintained

SCP-XXXX-1 is to be kept in a standard humanoid containment chamber at site-158.

Site names are always capitalised

SCP-XXXX is an extradimensional 10 x 9 x 4m building

I'd generally avoid giving exact sizes like this unless necessary.

SCP-XXXX is capable of shifting between alternate dimensions at the influence of SCP-XXXX-1 however, the method of how it accomplishes this is unknown.

'at the influence' feels awkward, maybe 'under the influence' or 'under the control of' would be better?

When a VDA (Voltic Dimensional Anchor) is affixed to SCP-XXXX, it will lose the ability to shift between dimensions

You've already specified what a VDA is in the ConProcs, I wouldn't mention it again here

The inside of SCP-XXXX resembles that of a small bar, with booths, and stools, SCP-XXXX also contains a restroom and a backroom, however, the backroom has proven to only be accessible to SCP-XXXX-1.

My inclination would be to specify it looks like a bar in the earlier paragraph; and this complexity of layout is why I'd avoid giving sizes: if you say a 10 x 9 x 4m building, we imagine a big cuboid, but this is y'know, much better at giving us a view of what it looks like and how large it is.

I'm a little hesitant to use -1 in the description before you define what it is; but it feels, hard to avoid doing this.

SCP-XXXX-1 is a 38-year-old Caucasian male, SCP-XXXX-1 has yet to be identified by any government database however, they will respond to the name "Craig".

This feels like two sentences awkwardly glued together with a comma; I'd either make it two sentences or replace the ', SCP-XXXX-' with 'who'

and is non-violent to most Foundation staff excluding Dr. Rosen Holt after Incident-XXXX-A.

I… would lean towards cutting this and letting that incident stand alone?

it has been said that SCP-XXXX is under the management of an unknown individual hereafter referred to as SCP-XXXX-2.

Who has said this? This phrasing makes it sound like a weird rumour instead of something that e.g. -1 has claimed say.

It has been noted by SCP-XXXX-1 that SCP-XXXX-2 has some degree of control over SCP-XXXX

'some degree of control' feels kinda … vague? in an unsatisfying way?

30 minutes after the shift, MTF Gama-13 entered,and secured SCP-XXXX and detained SCP-XXXX-1.

Effectively this is a three item list, so cut one of the ands to emphasise it.

However, when attemptingthey attempted to escort SCP-XXXX-1 out of SCP-XXXX, the doors were shut and were unable to be opened by any conventional methods.

Okay a lot of these are stylistic but quick run down:

• addition of 'they' to emphasise that it's the MTF doing it so it feels less passive
• moving the 'were' latter because the doors shutting feeling a little passive feels right; and like the focus should be on the unable to open them

Framed photo of an unknown man appearing to be in their mid to late 20's.

I feel like this should note whether it is or is not -2

$10 USD as well as multiple bills of disputed origin.

'disputed origin' feels odd here; it's like, it highlights the foreignness of the bills in a way that feels odd compared to making up some fake currencies or w/e

Interviewed: [SCP-XXXX-1]

I'd get rid of the square brackets in these sections, they're just kinda visually weird.

[SCP-XXXX-1 was interviewed approximately 5 hours after SCP-XXXX's discovery.

Earlier comment about square brackets applies here too; and to the time in the 'begin log'

SCP-XXXX-1 points to a framed photo of SCP-XXXX-1 with an unidentifiable person that appears to be somewhere in their mid 20's.

Is this the photo mentioned earlier?

Dr. Holt: Do you know how SCP-XXXX gained its abilities?

Holt expecting the SCP to know the designation's meaning feels… odd? As does referring to them as 'abilities' (per the discovery and chronology, as far as Holt knows, this transportation is a one time thing at the moment)

Dr. Holt: You know, in the right light, that room could be perceived as a security threat.

… what is Holt even on about here?

SCP-XXXX-1 Sorry sir, I got no clue, can't remember his name, had a weird-looking jumpsuit though.

missing colon here

this kinda 'a d-class stumbled in, told me y'all could use drinks' story feels… odd?

Dr. Holt: We secure and contain dangerous anomalies to protect people.

Not sure how I feel about Holt's reaction here being 'the SCP kinda knows about what we do better just tell it everything', feels a little weird but *shrugs*

Dr. Holt: Questions actually, far too early for drinks.

This feels a little odd for it being 4.30pm

About 5 years back this place picked up a new manager after an incident

Considering the story for how they have this thing is 'we found it in a garbage heap and took ownership of it', it's a little odd that they have a manager.

I know all the little cracks and crevasses in this place and not once have I found any kinda device.

And yet the SCP apparently doesn't know about the VDA on the outside? Iunno, it feels weird to have such an obvious blind spot here and then, not have the SCP acknowledge it?

As head of research for this SCP I suggest our main priority is to ensure SCP-XXXX-1 is unable to pay SCP-XXXX-2 so we might learn more about SCP-XXXX-2 and its abilities. -Dr. Rosen Holt

This feels… odd. Idk my instinct would be that deliberately instigating more potentially anomalous activity like this would be a bad idea for the foundation and they'd prefer to avoid any risk of -2 doing stuff that might draw attention?

26 after Interview-XXXX-C was conducted

26 days?

Dr. Holt: Yes, that is our doing, we've anchored you to our dimension so we can study SCP-XXXX. It's very important to us that we know how all the components of it work

minor: missing period at the end
more major: holt feels, very determined to leak info here (and throughout this)

will be given disciplinary action by me personally.

something about this feels… weird. Maybe 'will face disciplinary action' would be better?

Upon entering SCP-XXXX, SCP-XXXX-1 Assaulted Dr. Holt causing minor injuries.

minor: assaulted shouldn't be capitalised here
major: I'd probably cut this; it's covered in the transcript so just, let that convey the actions instead of repeating it.

further investigation into the entity is ongoing.

Missing capital.

Last edited on 19 Feb 2021 13:50 by cybersqyd Show more

Re: A Simple Bar

Spaser 19 Feb 2021 18:05

Hey Cyber thank you for doing the critique, especially so soon. I agree with all most all of the point you made, especially about the brother and his death as well as the stuff about Dr. Holt. I have some ideas for improving on the narrative but I would like your opinion on them if you don't mind, so I don't go through with them and have them backfire.

+Some ideas I have 

Holt in particular feels like he spends the whole piece being an asshole without really getting a comeuppance beyond a broken nose; and even then, he still thinks he's in the right.

So what I was kind of think for this is that Holt some how (idk how yet) gets an interview with -2 and it backfires on him and -2 kills him. I feel like this could be good not only because he gets what he wanted and it becomes his death but also so that the interview would give another point of view in the story to give more evidence on the incident that started all of this. Another idea attached to this one is that other foundation staff advise Holt not to try and lure out -2 in and argue with him about the morals in an email chain or something, but because Holt is bordering on obsessed, he does the interview with -2 anyway.

On the other, I think the death feels sudden in a way that doesn't feel shocking and I'm not sure why. I think it's because this piece is extremely focused on how -1 feels, and so there's not really any emotional connection to -2 or like, sense of investment in how -1 feels about his brother.

I think the most obvious solution is just to explore the relationship between the owner and brother more in the interviews, but I was thinking about a possibility of having journal entries for a journal belonging to the brother so that we get more development on him, thus making his death more impactful and giving a different point of view.

I think it ending on the death of the brother is a little iffy too; there's a part of me that kinda feels like the brother should die first and then the SCP should attack Holt but in a more, blazingly angry way? Idk if this would give this the emotional climax it needs though.

Yeah I sadly don't really have an idea for this one, I've felt that his death doesn't really have the kick it should but I am clueless as to how to improve it. Having his death as an emotional climax is a good idea but I'm not sure I could fit enough development in for the death to mean anything and still push on the rest of the story. If you have any suggestions for this one let me know.

There's a very small part of me that's like, why are all these extra-dimensional folk humanoids, like, just, wanting you to go weird with this y'know? Have there be this kinda, uncanny valley thing around the barkeeper where they're almost but not quite human, whereas here they're like. indistinguishable from a person from earth in every way.

While I do see where you're coming from with this, I'm not to sure on it, it feels like it would be kind of pointless to add and it may even be a bit distracting, although for -2 I feel like this could work to help with the mystery behind that character.

Thank you again for the crit, over the past couple week I had been slowly losing interest with this idea because I knew there were big problem with it but i just didn't know what they were or if I did I didn't know what to do about them, but thanks to this critique with you pointing out some of the bigger problems I'm actually excited about the idea again. Thank you for your time. :D

Re: A Simple Bar

cybersqyd 21 Feb 2021 09:36

[+] Some responses

I think the most obvious solution is just to explore the relationship between the owner and brother more in the interviews, but I was thinking about a possibility of having journal entries for a journal belonging to the brother so that we get more development on him, thus making his death more impactful and giving a different point of view.

I think the first would likely be better; my concern with journal entries here would be that they might not fit into the narrative very cohesively as it's structured now; but there's likely a way you could get around that.

Yeah I sadly don't really have an idea for this one, I've felt that his death doesn't really have the kick it should but I am clueless as to how to improve it. Having his death as an emotional climax is a good idea but I'm not sure I could fit enough development in for the death to mean anything and still push on the rest of the story. If you have any suggestions for this one let me know.

I think just developing the brother more and having us like, actually care about his plight would help here? At the moment, the brother is too much just, a character that's there for us to be invested in it. Possibly the issue is the brother is too hidden away: maybe having the brother like, show up at some point but like in a very obviously very sick way would help? You know, think like, 80 y/o person hooked up to breathing machine in a hospital bed kinda vibes?

Equally, I think perhaps the catharsis of brother dying, -1 getting really upset, -1 punching Holt could really help here? Really like, tie the death of the brother into something concrete, y'know so we don't feel the death of the brother in the loss of the brother directly but in the reaction it inspires in -1?

Re: A Simple Bar

cybersqyd 09 Apr 2021 11:06

noting a request to take another look

[+] Overall

I'm not sure if this is just cos it's not my first time reading this; but this version feels… worse than the last; like, there's clear attempts to build up to the PoI coming in to like, sort out the rent thing; but it feels like this doesn't quite present enough of a hook and I'm not sure why.

I… think actively having the PoI kill the brother instead of passively doing so feels odd; as does the whole exchange where it's implied the brother tried to kill the PoI five years ago too. The latter makes it feel, too spiteful? And too much like the PoI is the obvious person for -1 to be angry at instead of the Foundation. Whereas the former adds a bunch of mystery but also makes the death of -2 feel… less sad because it feels almost more like he deserves it?

The emails from Smithson to Holt undercut the catharsis that -1 punching Holt feels like it should have: we see from them that Holt feels bad about this and isn't really wanting to push -1 as far as they are (and that's fine characterisation!) but it means that we don't feel like -1 is in the right here and so them punching Holt doesn't feel… like it's this climactic end so much as another thing that happens.

I think Holts realisation he fucked up happening after the punch would work better; but your mileage may vary here.

I also still think -2 feels underdeveloped for the emotions you're wanting to invoke: idk what exactly you need to do to get it to land but it needs… something more to it.

[+] Line By Line

Gonna note that I can miss stuff; flag things which are right as being wrong and indeed flag things which are deliberately wrong.
I'll likely use strikethrough to indicate stuff to remove and green text to indicate stuff to add.

Special Containment Procedures

I'd still recommend using a collapsible here instead of having a big block of struck out text

At all times a VDA and GPS locator are to be affixed to SCP-XXXX's exterior wall.

You explain what a VDA is in the description: I would not use the acronym before explaining it; and I'd lean towards putting the describer in a footnote

Should SCP-XXXX shift to another location, the on-site director closest to its previous location is to alert agents to be on the watch for the reappearance of SCP-XXXX.

Surely if it's shifted to another location, it's already reappeared? I'd lean towards something more like: "Should SCP-XXXX disappear, the on-site director closest to it's previous…"

Once the location is found MTF Gama-13 is to enforce a perimeter around SCP-XXXX and administer class B amnestics to witnesses of SCP-XXXX's appearance.

It's, not strictly wrong to use 'Gama' here but usually MTF's use a greekletter and so it should probably be "Gamma"; you do this consistently through the work so I'm not gonna flag it every time.

SCP-XXXX-1 is to interview each shift in hopes of discovering more about SCP-XXXX.

'is to be interviewed' presumably?

Following Incident-XXXX-B, a fenced perimeter is to be maintained around SCP-XXXX at the anomalous object storage Site-174.

I'd probably lean towards capitalising the first letters of 'anomalous object storage' here too

SCP-XXXX is capable of shifting between alternate dimensions at the control of SCP-XXXX-1, however, the method -of how—by which it accomplishes this is unknown.

The inside of SCP-XXXX resembles that of a small bar, with booths, and stools, SCP-XXXX also contains a restroom and a backroom, however, the backroom has proven to only be accessible to SCP-XXXX-1.

I wouldn't include an Oxford comma in a list of two items ("booths and stools" instead of "booths, and stools". It also feels… odd how broken up this sentence is; it kinda feels like it runs on too long and could do with being broken up a little.

SCP-XXXX-1 is a 38-year-old Caucasian male who has yet to be identified by any government database

'yet to be identified' makes it sound like they haven't finished running his image; I'd probably lean towards using something more definitive here like "who does not correspond to any known person" say

SCP-XXXX-1 has a friendly and welcoming demeanor, often telling jokes or stories during interviews.

SCP-XXXX-1 acts as the bartender for SCP-XXXX The ownership of which is shared between SCP-XXXX-1 and its brother SCP-XXXX-2.

this is probably missing a comma after 'SCP-XXXX', and for 'The' to be uncapitalised

however, this is not possible to confirm nor test because of the state of SCP-XXXX-2.

just saying 'the state of SCP-XXXX-2' without explaining what that is or why it means they can't confirm this is… kinda awkward.

While not much is know about PoI-777, Interviews with SCP-XXXX-1 and security footage have provided insight into its apparent nature.

errant capitalisation again

30 minutes after the shift, MTF Gama-13 entered, secured SCP-XXXX, and detained SCP-XXXX-1.

However, when they attempted to escort SCP-XXXX-1 out of SCP-XXXX the doors shut and were unable to be opened by any conventional methods.

When questioned as to why this occurred SCP-XXXX-1 remarked on the new management of SCP-XXXX.

This phrasing makes it sounds like -1 made just a random general remark as opposed to saying something like "the new management won't let me leave".

In the securement of SCP-XXXX, multiple items were recovered, most notable being:

'During the securing of SCP-XXXX,….'

with SCP-XXXX-2, who appears to be in their late 20's.

as well as affixing a GPS locator to the VDA suckattached to the outside of the building.

technically using 'stuck' here would work too but it feels a little too casual

Oh yeah no problem, although Weird thing is,

weird capitalisation here too; and in quite a few places. I'm gonna stop flagging it now.

Interview-XXXX-C was conducted 3 hours after the shift.

How did Holt get from Miami to Russia within 3hrs? It's, a roughly 11hr flight on a regular plane and at minimum is about 1.5x faster than concorde so it feels… a little too quick?

Last edited on 09 Apr 2021 12:49 by cybersqyd Show more

Re: A Simple Bar

Impperatrix 21 Feb 2021 06:53

You can call me Flight Officer Impperatrix!

+ And I'm here to crit!

SCP-XXXX-1 is to be kept in a standard humanoid containment chamber at site-158.

SCP-XXXX-1 has yet to demonstrate any anomalous abilities

Reading the ending, I really don't know why the Foundation kept -1. After his brother's died, his not any kind of anomalous anymore: he has no connection to the bar anymore, he looks completely human, he does not have any power, there is no need for him to be contained.

Oh sure! I've always been one for storytelling. have a seat at a booth over there.

Have, with capital H.

He orders a lemonade and instead of paying for it with cash he told me about this place and said there was a bunch of people here who could use a drink

Well, that seems random. The jumpsuit guy is apparently SCP-507, but he's very loyal to the Foundation and would never give the game away like this. Maybe it's a headcanon question here, but I don't believe that the same guy that returns to his own cell every time would simply talk about the Foundation to a stranger like this.

Dr. Holt: We secure and contain dangerous anomalies to protect people.

I don't know why, but this line feels strange. It's like Holt became Captain America here out of nothing. It doesn't fit very well.

Approximately 5 hours after Interview-XXXX-B, SCP-XXXX disappeared from Site-158.

So, speaking about aesthetical opinion, I would put this part before the collapsible and as an addendum, but is something about writing style and aesthetics, you do you.

That sounded so unnatural. Holt just got out in the middle of the dialogue.

As head of research for this SCP, I suggest our main priority is to ensure SCP-XXXX-1 is unable to pay SCP-XXXX-2 so we might learn more about SCP-XXXX-2 and its abilities.

That was a strange statement. The math here is not so simple, what does made Holt understand that if -1 doesn't pay -2 they'd have more time to study the skip? Nothing within the texts seems to indicate this.

Dr. Holt: No thank you, in fact, I that will be all for now.

Again… unnatural. Holt just made the poor man cry and said goodbye as nothing had happened. I felt like Holt just entered the bar here to make Craig lose his mind and then went out.

Interviews

I feel like every interview is too short and ends abruptly. Maybe some of the interviews could be combined, as -A and -B.

Access SCiPNET Email? One (1) new message!

Now Holt is just being cruel. It's like he is just trying to make a hell out of a non-violent skip that is also classified as Dark and Notice. It's not like he needs to be this cruel, looks like he just wants to be sadistic.

<12:09> Dr. Holt: What happens to you when you can't pay? Why is it so important?

Couldn't he question it earlier? Like, before creating a plan to bankrupt the poor guy?

OVERALL

Holt seems evil just for the sake of the need for an antagonist for the skip. He does things out of the logic that looks to be a simple desire to make -1 suffer.

There's also -2. It was to be an important character, but the total lack of information about this guy and their strange appearance at the ending makes them too weak. Yeah, I can understand that they are some kind of demon or entity that Craig made a pact to maintain his brother alive, you could pass this message, but as I don't really have created any connection to -2, -1's brother could have died of anything.

John and Craig's connection is something to be more explored too. Maybe you could show more about them and even their home dimension within the Interviews to humanize them. As of now, Craig just becomes more "human" at the end, and even so, I didn't get any feeling about his brother's death due to the lack of development there.

The narrative itself is good, you know how to makes references and you know how to pass the messages you want to pass, but the characters are still too cartoonish to a serious tragedy as this story is meant to be. I recommend you to focus on improving your dialogues and showing more about the main characters, so people will get the right feeling in the end.

Good luck and good writing!