The Perfect Dishwasher.

Summary:

I've taken over a month to write this.

The Perfect Dishwasher.

Dr Curtis Snyder 24 Jan 2021 05:20

I've taken over a month to write this. I'm not sure if it's that good however I've done my best attempt at this and I can't wait to get some feedback and critique.

I moved and trimmed your thread summary, since it was taking up extra space in the main forum screen. Try to keep thread descriptions (the text in the little box under the thread title) and titles short so you don't crowd out other authors in the forum listing. ~Zyn

I've finally decided to submit a draft into the forums after 1 and a half months of writing and drafting ideas. If you want to read it the links are right there. However I would appreciate if you read the notes below as well. (1874 words)

Greenlight Post: http://scp-wiki.wikidot.com/forum/t-13897865/seeking-criticism-before-seeking-greenlight-the-perfect-dish

Draft: http://scp-sandbox-3.wikidot.com/dr-curtis-snyder

Some notes:
- This is my first SCP, I've decided to go down a story route.
- It doesn't look as pretty as some SCP's within the VI series I've seen. I've been wanting to learn on how to make a more "pretty" SCP such as SCP-5140 or SCP-5480.
- This is my very first draft, I'm not the best writer however I've tried my best and hope that it will hold up to your standards.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

Last edited on 25 Jan 2021 01:42 by Zyn Show more

Re: The Perfect Dishwasher.

cybersqyd 25 Jan 2021 08:46

[+] Overall

At the core, my issue with this is that I did not care about any of this. The incidents are too short to have any kind of emotional connection to the characters and they all progress in the same, kinda slapstick way that doesn't get me invested in the events. It doesn't help that they're all dense blocks of text with no breaks that just, tediously and dispassionately recount events. This really just, needs some kind of focus? Like, the incidents all feel like they're just, going through the same motions with different people, and nothing interesting or unexpected happens because the description conveys all this stuff already.

Even ignoring this, the clinical tone throughout is poor: I've highlighted examples in the line by line section; but it's going to need significant work to get this in a fit state to survive.

The interview between Snow and Cat conveys basically nothing to me; I don't know who these people are, I don't know why they're arguing, I don't have context for the stakes of the argument. It's too vague and mysterious to be interesting, particularly since there's no particularly juicy details to it beyond the implication that Cat is going to die presumably because they're affected by the SCP and want to get in it. And that's not even that big a thing because this is like the fifth disposable person to have the same urge in this.

The ConProcs revisions aren't necessarily a bad idea but there's no real point in this were we come to an understanding of why the revisions happened; and the actual revisions aren't that interesting because most of them are pretty identical except for a few changes to the clearance level, the exact education necessary and the note at the end. Like, if we had seen something in the incidents indicating what the back and forth is like here, maybe we'd feel differently; but none of the incidents even refer to updates to the ConProcs.

The neutralisation of this feels…odd too? Like there's this vague thing where it attacks someone who's about to be promoted to the O5 council and then they immediately decide to neutralise it despite it being y'know easy enough to be like 'the O5 council, who are not normally allowed near actual anomalies, are not allowed near this anomaly'; and it just feels…odd. It's not something that feels built up to so much as something which just, kinda happens. Then the Ethics Committee (of all people!) object to this neutralisation because uh, idk they wanted to I guess? And so we get this big expository paragraph where the EC are like 'we're really mad about this' but we aren't really shown any reason why they're mad about things so it just feels melodramatic. It comes across as a theatre kid doing their best V for Vendetta impression over an actual like, thing an organisation would do.

The puzzle to figure out what the read button does is a waste of a readers time: if you're going to make a reader solve a big puzzle to see more, what they see has to be both meaningful and relevant; and not just a link to the 001 page. I would strongly advise not doing this.

So like, since none of the elements individually are very good, this feels… less than the sum of it's parts? The idea of the conflict between the O5 Council and the EC over the neutralisation of this is good but it…doesn't do anything with it; and it spends way too much time spinning it's wheels before even vaguely reaching there.

[+] Line By Line

Gonna note that I can miss stuff; flag things which are right as being wrong and indeed flag things which are deliberately wrong.
I'll likely use strikethrough to indicate stuff to remove and green text to indicate stuff to add.

SCP-XXXX has been neutralized under 05 command.

'by order of the O5 Council' would be a better way to say this than 'under 05
Command'; also note it's the letter O, not the number 0.

Special Containment Procedures:

I would either cut this at the start of each iteration; or bold it to be consistent.

Site ██

Site names are hyphenated (Site-34); and anyone with clearance to know about the SCP should also have clearance to know where it is; and indeed, are likely assigned to research it, which would likely need access to the SCP in some manner.

with level 3 security clearance or higher.

'Level 3'

While in testing, only one D class personnel is to interact with SCP-XXXX.

'D-Class'; and this feels like it's missing 'at a time' or something similar at the end.

The D-Class thing comes up a lot and is consistently incorrect

Note: SCP-XXXX has been deemed to be a Keter class SCP due to how it was obtained.

Keter indicates that the SCP is extremely difficult to contain; it doesn't logically follow that it could be keter based on how it was obtained and so this either needs cut or more detail so we can grasp why this happened.

All D class personnel must be trained in advanced sciences (Standard ████████████ Education).

I have no idea what this redaction is; but it feels like it's unnecessary to specify 'trained in advanced sciences' and also 'have this one education thing'.

No one who likes “sour taste pallets” are allowed to test SCP-XXXX

I don't like this: it sounds kinda casual; but also 'test' should probably be 'access' or something similar and it's missing a period at the end.

There are multiple ██ inch holes along the inside seams

bad redacation; tell us how big the holes are. Also the Foundation uses SI: this should be in cm or mm.

SCP-XXXX’s anomalous properties come apperent when SCP-XXXX is in it’s active state.

I personally extremely dislike the phrase 'active state' within SCP articles; you likely want to say what causes it to become active e.g. '…become apparent when SCP-XXXX is turned on' say.

also it should be 'become apparent'

any inanimate object is put into SCP-XXXX and turned on

this phrasing implies 'when the inanimate object is turned on' and not 'when SCP-XXXX is turned on'; I'd suggest reordering to e.g. "When SCP-XXXX is turned on with an inanimate object inside it…'

an unknown species of tongue will protrude from the holes within SCP-XXXX

It's unclear whether it's one tongue or many tongues here; 'unknown species' is likely unnecessary here, though you could add a footnote or something conveying that dna testing has resulted in no matches.

and proceed to lick all objects completely clean leaving no type of bacteria alive.

this is just, trying to say too much in too little space.

Inanimate objects that come out of SCP-XXXX are safe to eat off of, use, or store and do not show any anomalous properties.

the 'completely clean' implies this; I would probably just cut this to 'Inanimate objects that come out of SCP-XXXX do not show any anomalous properties'; though 'come out' feels a little unclinical here.

Any animate object that has entered or that has been put into SCP-XXXX comes out with stages of extreme decomposition (See Incident Log 1).

'with stages of extreme decomposition' sounds kinda awkward here; maybe 'experiences extreme decomposition' would be cleaner?

SCP-XXXX goes into its active state most commonly when anyone who takes a particular liking to sour tasting foods and is within 5 meters of SCP-XXXX, they become hysterical, refusing to believe that SCP-XXXX is anomalous at all.

This reads like two different sentences shoved together really awkwardly. Also (considering you said the anomalous properties become apparent when it enters it's active state, and also that tongues appear when you put inanimate objects in) it feels super janky that this is when the anomalous properties are obvious and not y'know, the tongues.

SCP-XXXX also has an ‘attack’ state. What causes said attacks is unknown (See Incident Log 5).

This is the line that would secure my downvote on this piece. It's overly vague and the idea of things having specific 'states' is both a bad cliche and not at all how things work.

SCP-XXXX came into foundation custody on ██/██/20██ when SCP-XXXX was left on the front door of Site ██ with a note simply stating “Dear god please kill this. ~ Dr. Curtis Snyder” Finger prints, hair samples,

You're missing a period after the note, Foundation is also always capitalised; and none of the redactions are good here.

But these are minor things: the core issue with this is that it just, is the least interesting and most cliched way to have a SCP be found.

however no correlation between Dr. Curtis Snyder and the DNA found have been linked. MTF Graphite-10 (Snatch ‘n’ Grab) has been attempting to find Dr. Curtis Snyder as of ██/██/20██. Search is ongoing.

I don't like this because the chronology is very muddled by the redaction and so it's impossible to tell whether Snyder disappeared before the SCP appeared, after the SCP appeared or at the same time.

Note From The 05

'O5 Council'

A search of Dr. Klein’s Room had shown that he had been obsessed with SCP-XXXX since initial contact.

why did they not more closely monitor him?

Also no fucking sour tasting ANYTHING near SCP-XXXX.

this seems completely tonally out of place here.

Last edited on 25 Jan 2021 13:46 by cybersqyd Show more

Re: The Perfect Dishwasher.

Dr Curtis Snyder 25 Jan 2021 14:59

I really appreciate the criticism. After a long talk with Calibri_Bold on the IRC chat, they suggested that I take a read on multiple guides posted on the SCP forums (Avoid-The-Blackbox, Clinical Tone, Technical Writing, Doing The Safety Dance).

I also took notes and put them into what I should fix and sort of what order it should be fixed in.

Calibri's overall criticism came down to the following suggestion: "Read the guides and articles I linked to you and trim a lot of the fat. Use what you read in those guides and in the spots I showed you."

Do you have any other guides that Calibri might not have linked or maybe one that you think I should take a read on personally?

Re: The Perfect Dishwasher.

cybersqyd 25 Jan 2021 17:13

How Not To Walk Your Dog: Poor Pacing In The SCP Format and untitled essay regarding scps, narratives, and how they can share a page are both really good essays for like, figuring out how to tell stories well but honestly? My best advice is read a whole tonne of SCPs; good SCPs, bad SCPs, SCPs similar to what you want to write and SCPs which are completely different from it.