"Faded" (Seeking Greenlights)

Summary:

An SCP emitting a strong but subtle cognitohazard

"Faded" (Seeking Greenlights)

LemmeJuice 22 Oct 2020 22:36

An SCP emitting a strong but subtle cognitohazard, and a special narrative

Know that this idea was originally not "intended" to be like that. I had two versions, this one and the older one, and Grigori Karpin with his feedback made me switch to this one. So it's normal if the title and the idea changed (reassure yourself, not too much, we're still having the same settings for the story)

Seeking Greenlights: Yes

Page Type: SCP Article

Genre: Drama/Emotional

Page Layout: Planning on using the Anomaly Classification System (ACS). Maybe a unique layout for the narrative, will see

Elevator Pitch:

• A house in Oberhausbergen, France where a couple of elders live
• A prolonged stay inside SCP-XXXX (~3 months) gradually leads to loss of knowlendge about exposed subject (memories including subject will slowly start to fade, numerical documents including subject will corrupt or delete themself) in the society
• After all memories of the subject faded and lost themselves (~4-5 months), subject will enter a sort of stasis, known as Harold Jones Syndrome. During the HJ syndrome, cerebral activity is down to a minimum in all lobes, except for the brain sterm (keeping subject alive) and in the temporal lobe, more precisely in the hippocampus. It has been supposed by Dr. Harold Jones that the subject's memory is being erased or transferred, as the activity in the temporal lobe decreases with time, eventually stopping.
• When the HJ syndrom reaches its end (temporal lobe activity stopped), the subject slowly fades away, and a new glass featuring a picture of him/her appears (see Central Narrative to understand this idea).

+ show block

Central Narrative:

The narrative will follow the private messages between two girls, Hannah W██████ and Clara Z█████, who are close friends and live in Hamburg, Germany. Hannah takes part in the ERASMUS program, studies in Strasbourg, France, and is going to be housed in SCP-XXXX after a disastrous gas-leak at her former foster family's house. Clara stays in Hamburg, but the two friends are exchanging via SMS.

As the effects of SCP-XXXX impact her, odd events will occur, ranging from professors forgetting her during class, Clara asking who she is a few times, her parents forgetting to call her… Worsening with time, eventually reaching an onset when her boyfriend forgets about her, they will strand Hannah from the society, until HJ syndrome strikes her, and her final rest becomes a glass featuring a picture of her.

The story will only be found 4 days after, when during a planned field trip with all the students of Hannah's university, her name written on a list of the students piques the interest of someone, which will at term lead to the SCP Foundation investigating everything, and doing interrogations on the elders

Hook/Attention-Grabber:

• The idea and the outcome of it
• The narrative and how it will be presented/written

Additional Notes:

• How do I make/use a custom layout?
• As I'm a foreigner to english, I might require some help to have a perfect, clinical writting for my draft

As a courtesy to our readers on mobile devices, please collapse long posts. Also, please note the Ideas Critique required reading wordcount limit; your post is about 20 words over. ~Zyn

Last edited on 24 Oct 2020 08:22 by LemmeJuice Show more

Re: "You'll Take Some More" (Seeking Greenlights)

OCuin 22 Oct 2020 23:41

[Placeholder from PM]

My primary concern with this lies in the lack of a clear message or tone. Whilst you've mentioned you want to convey the general fear of being forgotten, that's not very specific nor does it carry much of a message. It's very indistinct and, as a result, the pitch as presented comes off feeling a bit simplistic. This is also present in the narrative, which is a fairly basic examination of the effects of the anomaly on one character with very little deviation from what a reader might expect from reading a description of the anomaly. Essentially, the whole story is very predictable because any description of the anomaly will necessarily tell the audience exactly what is going to happen in the narrative. There's no subversion of expectations or surprise, and whilst that's not essential, having such a basic and predictable narrative is a weak foot to start on.

I'd recommend putting some thought into what you want the reader to come away from this article with. What's the core ideas you want to be communicating (beyond a generic fear of being forgotten)? Is there a particular idea or concept you want to persuade them of? Imbue this with a bit more subtext to keep it fresh and engaging. Additionally, put some more thought into how you might keep the narrative as it stands fresh. Right now it's far too standard and the presentation is inevitably going to give away the story and remove most of the tension or suspense. It's unfortunate, but the SCP format means that certain narratives just do not work well because the story and the information therein is told twice.

Last edited on 25 Oct 2020 19:22 by OCuin Show more

Re: "You'll Take Some More" (Seeking Greenlights)

PlaguePJP 23 Oct 2020 03:13

I think my main issue here is that it doesn't really do anything new with the memory loss trope. Memory loss or being forgotten is a rather common fear and there's a lot to do with it, but I feel like I've seen something like this a few times already. There have been a few spins on it, 3890 comes to mind, but other than the glass, what do you have that differentiates you from your predecessors?

The narrative feels a bit cliche as well and a bit disconnected. As your main anomaly, you have some sort of cryptic, witchcraft-esque group of elders but we're following a girl in college? How does the Foundation connect the girl to this house?

As of now, I don't feel confident enough to greenlight this idea. My advice to you is to look make your narrative a bit more cohesive and to focus on how you can spin this cliche trope. Good luck!

Last edited on 25 Oct 2020 02:46 by PlaguePJP Show more

Re: "You'll Take Some More" (Seeking Greenlights)

Grigori Karpin 23 Oct 2020 09:30

So overall, I am intrigued with this idea but I have a few concerns:

► my detailed thoughts◄

During meals, a cognitohazard will force the subject to take more food whenever they are proposed to by SCP-XXXX-1 ("Grandma")

&

every memory about the subject will be erased, only paper documents will be kept untouched.

These seem like unconnected ideas for an anomaly and I don't know that you need both. I would actively suggest limiting this anomaly such that it either has the cognitohazardous compulsion aspect or they fade from the world…

Prolonged exposition (3-6 meals depending on subject physical condition) leads to metabolic syndrome and, shortly after (6-9 meals), death.

First of all, I am not sure what "metabolic syndrome" and I think you should clarify. BUT that is not my biggest concern… my biggest concern is this is another anomaly that which kills you. I don't understand the motive for "Grandma" to keep on killing people this way… or why she has had access to all these people long enough to do so. Moreover, I find the aspect of this that causes death to be excessive and unnecessary. I think if the ultimate results were more subtle than death, this would be more intriguing.

---

Re: "You'll Take Some More" (Seeking Greenlights)

LemmeJuice 23 Oct 2020 10:17

Updated the idea, should be way better now

+ Your concerns

These seem like unconnected ideas for an anomaly and I don't know that you need both. I would actively suggest limiting this anomaly such that it either has the cognitohazardous compulsion aspect or they fade from the world…

The cognitohazard might be too harsh, aiming for something more subtle is surely the better idea

First of all, I am not sure what "metabolic syndrome" and I think you should clarify. BUT that is not my biggest concern… my biggest concern is this is another anomaly that which kills you. I don't understand the motive for "Grandma" to keep on killing people this way… or why she has had access to all these people long enough to do so. Moreover, I find the aspect of this that causes death to be excessive and unnecessary. I think if the ultimate results were more subtle than death, this would be more intriguing

Metabolic syndrome occurs when at least 3 of the 5 criterias are met, such as obesity (NHS about Metabolic Syndrome)
The killing part was one way to achieve the "glassification". I thought about a long-term effect that results in the "glassification", and I'm going to brainstorm and develop this idea.

Thanks for the review

Last edited on 23 Oct 2020 16:55 by LemmeJuice Show more

Re: "Faded" (Seeking Greenlights)

Nagiros 23 Oct 2020 19:30

Summoned by PM, expect crit soon.

and a new glass featuring a picture of him/her appears

Not sure what exactly you been by "glass". Is it like a photograph?

Regardless, the narrative here feels… I'm not sure. What's the specific emotion you're trying to evoke here? The anxiety of losing friendships across great distances? That's fine, but I'm not getting a clear picture of how you're going to endear your readers to these characters such that they can be affected by the loss, nor am I getting a clear picture of who these two friends are as people that will make them stand out. Without these details, your audience is likely going to be apathetic towards their struggles.

Regarding the anomaly itself, it's a little bland. I'd prefer something a bit more nuanced than a gradual antimeme but I can't think of anything that would fit the theme more.

Also, uh, minor concern about this Harold Jones character you're introducing; why is he important? If he's not relevant then I'd recommend striking his name and character entirely.

Last edited on 24 Oct 2020 17:05 by Nagiros Show more

Re: "Faded" (Seeking Greenlights)

LemmeJuice 24 Oct 2020 19:32

+ A few answers you can show

Not sure what exactly you been by "glass". Is it like a photograph?

No, like a glass in which you can pour liquid, with a picture of the subject on it

Regardless, the narrative here feels… I'm not sure. What's the specific emotion you're trying to evoke here? The anxiety of losing friendships across great distances?

More or less, I was aiming for the common fear of being forgotten. Through the narrative it will appear more and more clearly. I'm writing kinda of experience for this part, and I know that not having/losing friends is a really really bad situation as a teen

That's fine, but I'm not getting a clear picture of how you're going to endear your readers to these characters such that they can be affected by the loss, nor am I getting a clear picture of who these two friends are as people that will make them stand out. Without these details, your audience is likely going to be apathetic towards their struggles.

I would have loved to elaborate that much in my idea proposal, but the 400 words hit hard and I couldn't even develop a small idea. Hannah is overall shy and will not really say what she really wants to, where Clara is the complete opposite. Hannah will be more and more detressed as Clara starts to forget her. At some point, she'll break her shyness, which will be the turning point of the story. I won't develop furthermore as I'm still thinking about everything and waiting for the greenlighting of this idea, but I can answer your questions about that part

Regarding the anomaly itself, it's a little bland

What do you mean by bland?

Also, uh, minor concern about this Harold Jones character you're introducing; why is he important? If he's not relevant then I'd recommend striking his name and character entirely.

He's going to be the lead researcher of the SCP. A few of his studies report are going to be featured in the article, with more explainations about the SCP, the narrative and the HJ syndrome. Main problem is the 400 word limit, so it's rather hard to explain everything I want to do with the narrative

If you've got more questions, I'm always here

Last edited on 24 Oct 2020 19:45 by LemmeJuice Show more

Re: "Faded" (Seeking Greenlights)

Nagiros 27 Oct 2020 02:15

One moment. Trying to figure out how to approach this. Will reply soon.

I think… I think this comes down to the anomaly and the Foundation's interaction with it. You asked what I meant by bland, and I largely stand by what I said in the next sentence, that on its face it is just a building with old people in it that acts as a kind of… social antimeme. The anomaly could be substituted for essentially anything with little effect on your narrative; it could be a desert home or a mountain village or Mars, I guess.

I'd recommend exploring the anomaly a bit more, figuring out why its setting is uniquely suited to conveying your narrative. In addition, like I said, this is just essentially a social antimeme, and if you want to I'd suggest looking into ways to make its effect more unique. One character forgetting about another because of anomalous influence isn't all that uncommon here.

Last edited on 27 Oct 2020 16:04 by Nagiros Show more

Forum Crit Team - Staff Post

cybersqyd 24 Oct 2020 10:21

Per this thread, you appear to have reached out to at least five reviewers for critique at around the same time: please keep in mind that critique is done by volunteers and you're generally best to keep it to around 1-2 people at a time¹. This means you a) don't take up too a disproportionate amount of our time and b) don't end up with a deluge of feedback to sift through and make changes based off; particularly since it's unlikely they'll all be able to offer fully unique feedback.

Footnotes

1. You can always reach out to more if you don't get a response after a few days, or send a gentle reminder about it btw