Spooky farmhouse crawling with black ghosts

Spooky farmhouse crawling with black ghosts

TheDevelopingCookie 21 Oct 2020 17:37

Seeking Greenlights: Yes

Page Type: SCP Article

Page Layout (Optional): standard containment procedures detailing the procedures of venturing out to the farm, etc.

Elevator Pitch: A haunted farm filled with incorporeal black spirits that can kill you or make you go crazy. Inside the farmhouse there are hundreds of records, but since its so dangerous to venture inside, only a dozen have been recovered.

Central Narrative: In the early 1900s the farm was bought by a family. A week later, a portal to a pocket dimension open and they are trapped inside. The Foundation discovers this within a matter of months, and they set up a perimeter. They send in several expedition teams, some return. They discovered the tapes and debate on if they should send a team.

Hook/Attention-Grabber: slowly builds the story.

Re: Spooky farmhouse crawling with black ghosts

Pedagon 21 Oct 2020 18:29

Hey!!

Question Critique

that can kill you or make you go crazy.

Can you tell me some more about this? Do they kill in an interesting way? How do they make people go crazy? What does that look like?

Inside the farmhouse there are hundreds of records, but since its so dangerous to venture inside, only a dozen have been recovered.

This is good! Leaves room for the imagination but still lets us have a peek inside! Great!

A week later, a portal to a pocket dimension open and they are trapped inside.

What causes the pocket dimension to open? Why there? Why at that time? What is that pocket dimension like? What happens to the people trapped inside?

The Foundation discovers this within a matter of months

What eventually brings it to the Foundation’s attention?

Overall this is an alright start to figuring out your article! You’ve set out the setting but I need to know more about the anomaly and what you’ll do to tell your story. Tell me more about this pocket dimension and what you are going to provide as recovered documents and how they will add to your article.

Re: Spooky farmhouse crawling with black ghosts

TheDevelopingCookie 23 Oct 2020 19:46

Thank you for being so supportive in your response!

Revision 2:

Elevator Pitch: A haunted farm filled with incorporeal black spirits that can kill when they pass through you. The black ghosts look like anyone that went inside the pocket dimension, except burnt and translucent.

Central Narrative: In the early 1600s the farm was bought by a woman. She was believed to be a witch at the time and was out-casted by a nearby village. She then creates cassettes (that date to the 1600s!), logging her adventures in witchcraft. She then creates a mixture which explodes and this creates a rift into a mysterious dimension.

In the 1900s it is bought by a family, not knowing of the rift in the basement. They discover it after purchasing and it sucks them inside. After being missing for a month, the bank decides to take the house and discovers the rift. The foundation then responds in a usual manner.

Re: Spooky farmhouse crawling with black ghosts

Pedagon 25 Oct 2020 01:06

Hey again!

It's easy to be supportive when someone has passion for their idea!

General Critique

Elevator Pitch
Why did you remove the bit about the hundreds of records? That was my favourite part of the elevator pitch!
Can you tell me more about these spirits? How do they kill when they pass through someone? Do they give them a heart attack, is it an unexplained death, do they like carve a hole where they walked, etc? Are they intentionally killing or do they just wander around and if they happen to walk into you you die? I just need more of this since it is the central anomaly.
What do you mean by "look like anyone that went inside the pocket dimension, except burnt"? Does this just mean like a normal person but translucent and burnt or does this imply that normal people change somehow when they enter the pocket dimension?

Central Narrative
What do you mean by "Cassettes"? Like actual tape audio recordings from the 1600s? This is an anomaly in and of itself. Can you tell me more about this witch and the experiences you will present from her perspective? This sounds like the major narrative and hook! I want to read about a witch!

What story are you telling through including this family? How does this contribute to your article?

Overall
You have described 3 anomalies here and they don't really seem to be created other than that one made the other which somehow made the other. What makes this one cohesive article instead of a short story about a witch, a different story about a pocket dimension, and a third short story about ghosts?

Also, you are able to edit your original proposal instead of replying with a new one! A greenlight will be to the proposal at the top and not specific ones embedded in replies. The edit button is located in "options" and then "edit".

Keep working at it! You're on your way!

Re: Spooky farmhouse crawling with black ghosts

BetterMyButter 03 Feb 2021 19:03

Feels…very vague? I need more info and I think you should reach out to butterfly squad members about critique for it.

Forum Criticism Team - Captain Post

Zyn 04 Feb 2021 04:56

Feels…very vague? I need more info

To better help the author, can you be a bit more specific about what kind of info you would like to see?

You can also see this thread for more information on reviewing in this forum: http://scp-wiki.wikidot.com/forum/t-9804362/so-you-want-to-be-a-concept-reviewer