The concept:
Elevator Pitch: The SCP is a HAND-SEWN doll that exhibits the ability to display emotion (mainly sadness/loneliness) along with the ability to write complete sentences to converse with others (to compensate for its inability to talk). The doll seeks comfort after being left in Auschwitz for 80+ years and also seeks to make others happy in its presence. In its dormant phase, the SCP emits a humming sound of a little girl (which is hard to figure out as it cannot talk). It can write in English and Hebrew, but has the intelligence of a 4-5 year old. SCP claims that it was created by the mother of the girl who the SCP belongs to and that it believes it that the girl wished for the SCP to be alive and not just a doll itself.
The skip seems to largely rely on concentration camps to explain the skips existence and effects, which feels off to me. The German camps could be removed from the concept entirely, as it doesn't really add much to the idea or story.- As I've said before, this is a sensitive subject.
If your looking to depict something war related, I would recommend being more general in your approach, perhaps focus on the people who lived in the war times. With the doll reflecting the fears and paranoia of its past owners.
As for the doll itself, it falls a bit flat, as the whole justification for its existence seems to be "someone wished it was alive". This, to me, feels like a quick way of explaining the skips origin. Along with that, "wishes" have been done a lot in media already, and the concept doesn't seem to add anything new to the trope, but rather use it a crutch.
-Small note, the concept is quite detailed, generally the EP is way of giving the skip in its most simplified and basic form. Try to include the most important info, and try not to exceed 2-3 sentences.
The narrative:
Central Narrative:
Broad: Document details the SCP's abilities and basic anatomy. Further interview log documents the SCP's backstory along with the location of where it was found. Test logs will document different emotions and feelings as well as language comprehension.
Specific: The SCP used to belong to a young Jewish girl in the early 1940s until it was accidentally left behind during the liberation of Auschwitz. It lay in a dormant state for 80+ years until Foundation Personnel was investigating the former concentration camp for a reported anomaly of soundwaves coming from the general location. They pinpointed the noise and upon seeing the doll, they claimed to have accidentally woken it up from the actions of a curious agent, and immediately the SCP exhibited bipedal movement and signs of distress (it put its nubs on its head and began pacing quickly around). The Foundation brought it into custody for study and to determine why it was there and how it can exhibit emotion and writing capability. In an interview with Dr. Derek Zhou, it revealed that its owner accidentally dropped them which caused them to be extremely sad and lonely to the point where it lay dormant (unmoving in the same spot for over 80 years). Later, the SCP describes unthinkable horrors its family came across describes in an extremely, impossibly vivid way. Further tests (which involved times between visits) concluded that if no one checks up on the SCP for anywhere longer than a week, it will no longer become responsive until awoken again (by a touch of course). In a seperate Addendum, the owner is reported to be (spoiler alert) "Chava Grunwald" who immigrated to America and lived to be 98 years old and named her only daughter after the SCP (who was named Tikva, which means hope in Hebrew). This was found after finding a small, folded identification paper inside a small pocket within the SCP.
While there is a story here, I'm not particularly sure on what the conflict or payoff is.-what about this is going to make me as the reader care? The narrative doesn't seem to show much of the skip and it behaviours, more or less it depicts what happens when its left alone (which in of itself isn't attention grabbing or engaging). As a result of the actual events being rather vague, and the lack of a strong conflict and payoff, the story feels rather flat.
Along with this, I would recommend cutting out the IRL ties this has with holocaust survivors, as it feels like they're being used as storytelling device.- In general I would recommend cutting the holocaust ties altogether.
When depicting the narrative, try to give a brief description of the main events before showing what the conflict is, more specific details aren't needed until the drafting stage.- essentially the CN is a mini (very brief and simplified) version of a draft, that includes the most important info.
Due to my afore mentioned concerns, no-greenlight.
If you would like me to give this (or any concept) further advice/feedback, feel welcome to send me a PM or ask via IRC. response times generally range from 2-12 hours over PMs. If your looking for additional critiques in general, then I couldn't recommend the Butterfly squad more:)
