Underground Labyrinth

Shapeshifting large creature

videogameboy 02 Oct 2020 20:19

Seeking Greenlights: Yes.

Page Type: SCP Article

Genre (Optional): Horror, Sci-Fi, Environment

Page Layout (Optional): Plot development, and/or information presentation.

Elevator Pitch: A dangerous creature that causes tectonic plates to shift once it moves. It can also shapeshift to fit in certain areas.

Central Narrative: The Foundation tries to stop this creature by preventing it from moving, however it fails but ends up succeeding. This proves to be a difficult task as SCP-XXXX is so large, it can be seen from space. So, they try to stop it by relaxing it and have it fall asleep so it can’t move at all or cause earthquakes.

Hook/Attention-Grabber: The reason why they are trying to stop the creature from moving is because it can cause earthquakes.

Additional Notes: None.

Last edited on 12 Oct 2020 23:02 by videogameboy Show more

Re: Underground Labyrinth

cybersqyd 03 Oct 2020 08:12

Honestly my biggest concern is that a lot of this pitch comes across as you saying "It's like 1730 but bigger!": there's differences but they seem comparatively minor (e.g., it being much larger, and in great shape); but this might also be that I don't have a clear idea of what you want to actually like, do with this?

Like, your central narrative briefly summarises in more details what the SCP does, but what I really want to know is what does the article do? Does the Foundation send people in to explore this place? Do they just seal it off and add periodic reports of stuff coming out? If they send people in, what do the people find? How does what they find matter?

Really my concern is you have a labyrinth with a tonne of danger in it, but you don't have a) a reason for people to go inside b) people who go inside c) an indication of what ends up happening to the people who go inside; and I'm not even sure if 'traversing the labyrinth' is what you want to do here because then you're just, going to make this feel even more similar to 1730.

Re: Underground Labyrinth

videogameboy 03 Oct 2020 14:46

SCP-1730 was an inspiration for this idea, so there might be some similarities here and there, and also people explore the labyrinth to report anomalous activity inside.

Re: Underground Labyrinth

Mikaelious 03 Oct 2020 19:17

But what goes on inside the labyrinth? You mention them exploring it to report anomalous activity, but what exactly does this mean? What kind of anomalous activity do they find? You have an idea at the ready, but it needs more depth.

Re: Underground Labyrinth

videogameboy 03 Oct 2020 23:31

To be specific, the anomalous activity are reality bending events that basically makes the labyrinth feel like an alternate dimension, with each creature having different appearances and abilities. Inside, are basically rooms with chairs and tables, and office cubicles, just like a standard workplace but with a dark twist. These entities are designated SCP-XXXX-A.

Re: Underground Labyrinth

cybersqyd 06 Oct 2020 05:58

My big concern here is you have a labyrinth with all sorts of random shit in it; and it just feels…all over the place? There's not a lot of thematic cohesion here or overarching story, and I'm not gonna greenlight this as a result.

The question of 'why are they going into the labyrinth' is the central hook for your SCP, and you need something a lot more compelling than 'to see what's inside': it needs to drive a readers interest further; which means that there needs to be a specific purpose so that uncertainty about whether the MTF (or whoever goes in) is going to successfully achieve that purpose. This could be turning off the labyrinth so it stops expanding; it could be rescuing an important site director inside it; it could be trying to find some specific data or something that's in there; but there needs to be a purpose so that people going in and finding weird shit is actually engaging.

---

Beyond this: your descriptions of what's actually in the labyrinth are vague to the extreme. It feels like possible at the moment, you're just sitting there going "wow there could be anything in there!" and I really just, am curious if you have anything planned for this? In short: tell me about cool things inside this to convince me you've thought about it beyond the cursory.

Re: Underground Labyrinth

videogameboy 06 Oct 2020 16:45

tell me about cool things inside this to convince me you've thought about it beyond the cursory.

Data that contains background information is stored inside the office’s computers, along with extra details that could explain why the labyrinth became alive. I also realized since this labyrinth is alive, SCP-XXXX-A could potentially be bacterial lifeforms that is produced by the SCP itself. Some of these creatures/entities resemble monsters and common wildlife (including insects.)

Maybe that could convince you?

Last edited on 06 Oct 2020 16:51 by videogameboy Show more

Re: Underground Labyrinth

cybersqyd 07 Oct 2020 15:58

Yeah, this doesn't really convince me at all. I'm gonna be honest: you need to sit down and really think about what you want to do here because you're not progressing your idea in a way that brings it closer to greenlighting.

You've gotta stop thinking from the perspective of 'what can I make the SCP do that's cool and interesting' and start thinking about 'what can I make the Foundation do that's cool and interesting': you're writing this story from the perspective of people in the Foundation, whether it's the unknown person/people writing the description of the SCP or the MTF team you send into the SCP, or the D-Class/Researchers you use in test logs, the focus in on what the Foundation does; and at the moment, this idea feels like it's too much an excuse for you to have cool monsters, when what you need is cool characters doing interesting stuff.

I really don't think generic platitudes like that the reason the Foundation are going in is for 'background information stored inside the office's computers' help: it's too vague. You need a specific thing that the Foundation wants, that a reader can look at and go 'ah yes this is important' to, and it needs to be the key thing the story revolves around: every scene has to be, in some way, influenced by the Foundation attempting to achieve this.

Re: Underground Labyrinth

Quadraginta 05 Oct 2020 15:29

Responding to pm request

+Let us start the crit!

Tbh I don't think I can offer any crit that would be more substantial than what cybersqyd has already stated.

'It's SCP-1730 but bigger and in great shape.'

To be specific, the anomalous activity are reality bending events that basically makes the labyrinth feel like an alternate dimension, with each creature having different appearances and abilities. Inside, are basically rooms with chairs and tables, and office cubicles, just like a standard workplace but with a dark twist. These entities are designated SCP-XXXX-A.

What reality bending events?

What is this 'dark twist' you mentioned?

What creatures/entities are inside?

You have this vast, grandiose image and the drive and want to see it through, but you've fleshed out none of it. It's so barebones, that the only thing I can picture is House of Leaves, but only because of the shifting labyrinth.

Feel free to PM me again once you make significant changes. I do mean significant changes.

Re: Underground Labyrinth

videogameboy 05 Oct 2020 19:06

What reality bending events?

• Rooms that have incorrect geometry.
• Time operating on a different scale inside the SCP.
• Some rooms are consumed by a black void.
• The walls inside the labyrinth breathe.
• Sometimes, sinkholes can appear out of nowhere and lead to nothing, killing you instantly.
• Space distortion.
• Some rooms do not possess gravity.

What is this 'dark twist' you mentioned?

The dark twist is that the labyrinth is alive the entire time, and it is self aware. It lures people that enters into its trap and tricks them.

What creatures/entities are inside?
There is a wide variety of creatures/entities that resemble common wildlife animals, and humanoid monsters.

Re: Underground Labyrinth

Quadraginta 06 Oct 2020 14:29

Ok, so I know I said via PM that you should look for help from others and that I probably couldn't help any further, but I can see that this idea is struggling a little, so maybe I can help elaborate on my own take but without dogpiling crit that's already been stated.

+I'll just add this...

This idea is getting bigger and more complicated and with more and more miscellaneous details tossed in to see if it all fits.

What I see now is something with so many elements tossed into it, it almost feels like I'm reading the description of a new DLC for Control.

Rooms with incorrect geometry, time flowing differently from outside, black voids, random sinkholes because fuck MTF soldiers, space distortion, and some rooms have no gravity.

Wow.

That is WAY too much for one idea, partner.

Oh and it turns out the thing is alive?

And populated by weird creatures with zero description whatsoever as to their significance other than yes, need lethal creatures in big scary maze.

Also, your Central Narrative is just an extension of the Elevator Pitch.

I've bolded out the next bit because it really is the most glaring issue so far.

From what I've seen, you've been making tiny changes here and there to your idea pitch and then PMing more reviewers without changing the fundamental issue:

What is going to be interesting in there that doesn't seem like it would fit into some weird level in a trippy video game for the sake of having a weird trippy level?

The biggest selling point you have is still '1730 but-!' and that isn't going to sell your idea.

Read the guides below, slow down, think about your idea and take your time doing so. There's no rush.

+A guide to writing an SCP

+A guide on fleshing out ideas.

+A step by step guide to one's first SCP.

The second guide in particular will definitely help a lot.

I can tell you're passionate about this and I absolutely want you and everyone else to succeed. But just slow down a little, mmkay?

Trust me. The slow and steady approach will pay off in the end once you post a successful article to the mainlist.

I wish you good luck on your ventures and I bid you a good day.

👍

-Quadraginta

Re: Underground Labyrinth

videogameboy 06 Oct 2020 16:50

Thank you very much for the help, Quadraginta. I will do my best and take my time writing the SCP.

Re: Underground Labyrinth

OCuin 05 Oct 2020 18:17

[Placeholder from PM]

As cybersqyd said, the biggest issue here is that it is, by your own admission, essentially just SCP-1730. By virtue of that, it's not really standing on its own two feet, and you're inviting comparisons to one of the most praised and successful articles on the site that are not likely to cast your article in a strong light. This, as a premise, is one I would recommend dropping; whilst not inherently impossible to work, the very nature of your description makes it seem not particularly unique or original.

If you want to make it work, the main thing you need is a narrative. Right now the content of that section of your pitch is essentially further detail on the mechanics of the anomaly, but that doesn't mean anything in terms of an actual story. What're the events here? What story does the article convey? That's the key thing to any strong article, particularly one like this where the anomaly on it's own isn't enough. Think about what emotions you want to convey to the reader and how you might use the narrative to coax them out. What events you convey will make up the majority of the article, so it's important to have a clear idea of what they are so we can properly critique the idea. The narrative is the most important element of any article, it's ultimately the core of the SCP, so it's really important to get that nailed down.

Last edited on 07 Oct 2020 10:26 by OCuin Show more