Seeking Greenlight on my first scp

Summary:

My first scp idea. Could be an Exaggeration.

Seeking Greenlight on my first scp

(account deleted) 28 Sep 2020 08:01

Seeking Greenlights: Yes

Page Type: SCP Article

Page Layout (Optional): Eyewitness Accounts, Recovered Documents, Official Reports will show the readers a glimpse on what to expect.

Elevator Pitch: An old gba game console that makes people who uses it slowly forgets everything, literally (even their name). It will first make a noise which causes anyone who hears it to experience some sort of 'hypnotising effect', causing anyone who hears it to become so attracted to it that he gets to play it. And once that it hasn't found it's victim for 1-2 days past, it will only keep on playing the sound in which the volume keeps rising as time goes by.

Central Narrative: discovered by the locals at an abandoned orphanage after reports of a missing person that was last seen at the area came in, the foundation sent in two agents to confirm the reports from the locals of possible existence of an anomaly in the site. Then the foundation lost contact with the first agent, which would later found out that he fell to the scp itself. Further investigations by the second agent reveal that the scp was used by the nuns for something they can't determine. Something that was not good. That they will be picking out one child per day to play the scp, and then the kid would be gone, and they will say that the kid is in a 'happy place' to prevent the other children from being suspicious. As to where this happy place is, no one knows. It was also found out that one of the materials used to create the scp was something they also cannot determine what. Notes that was recovered would make the foundation theorize that the said material is capable of more anomalous effects that they also cannot determine what. And that the creator itself is trying to harness it's capabilities. As to what the creator's exact motives are is currently unknown.
The agent who fell to the scp was now being isolated to undergo studies and treatment.
However, when the foundation finally contained the scp, thinking that they did it right, an incident occurred which proved them wrong. So the scp was now contained by the foundation with the special containment procedures that was updated to prevent the recent incident from happening again.

Hook/Attention-Grabber: my idea here is about something that should not be taken lightly of. Something that one can't handle despite it's simplicity.

This idea is something that I feel is different than the other ones I saw on different scp articles here.

Additional Notes:
If there's anything wrong, just feel free to inform me, it's my first time posting so I might have missed or done something that made it wrong.

PS. I also found out that it exceeded the 400 word limit, which I never knew about. So I trimmed it out. But I'm afraid that me trimming it removed some of the concepts/ideas and more important parts that I originally put purposely or was supposed to be there.

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joshk

Last edited on 09 Oct 2020 08:13 by (account deleted) Show more

Re: Seeking Greenlight on my first SCP

CountAbra 07 Oct 2020 11:03

Like I said in IRC I can’t greenlight

I think this idea is quite meh. Here is a couple reasons why:

1. The noise to attract victims, I feel like that is unneeded unless the console gets something out of the effect it causes which according to this it doesn’t

2. Wouldn’t the noise piss off the people at the orphanage. Wouldn’t the noise be classed as odd, maybe not anomalous but odd

3. Your narrative seems very bullet point like without explaining much but I think that’s due to you having to trim a lot of it down

Good luck honestly, this could work. Don’t loose hope.

Regards,
Abra

Re: Seeking Greenlight on my first scp

cybersqyd 28 Sep 2020 12:12

Noting a PM request to take a look

[+] Open for crit

Central Narrative: discovered by Foundation Agents embedded on a Police Station when a report concerning a stolen cellphone came in.

So this is my second biggest concern with your idea so far. SCPs are short stories disguised as technical reports: what you do with the anomaly is a lot more important than what the anomaly does, and trying to rely on the anomaly itself being hugely interesting is likely to not get you far because SCPs have been a thing for 12 odd years now and we've seen basically every kind of anomaly at this point.

Which brings me to where this is an issue: by far, the easiest way to do something interesting with your SCP article is to explore some aspect of your SCP. You mention including 'incident logs/reports' and 'experiment/lab reports' in your page layout but you haven't really given any indication of what you're going to do with them to tell a story. It's really worth thinking about how you want to make a reader feel here: both about the elements of the story (e.g. are the foundation good? bad? are we rooting for the foundation? against the foundation?) and the story as a whole (e.g., is this a horror piece? are you trying to shock us? are you trying to make us laugh?)

•subjects starts to slowly feel paranoid and fear upon receiving such texts and and suicidal thoughts starts to occur until subject commits suicide.

This is my biggest issue with your concept. This immediately shunts this into edgy territory where it feels like you're trying to write something to shock a reader without any kind of sensitivity or delicate handling of the topic and I strongly advise you have the phone do almost literally anything other than make this phone drive people to suicide.

Beyond this, the actual properties of the phone feel like a grab bag of things rather than a single coherent anomaly: why does it get texts and phone calls from people who are long dead? Why is it also indestructible? What do you want to do with these to make a reader enjoy reading your article?

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In short: this really needs a lot more conceptual development before I'd be willing to greenlight this. I recommend you check out the Guide Hub and a bunch of stuff in the Top Rated Pages in the Last 30 Days page to really get a feel for how SCPs tell stories and the kind of anomaly that works best.

Re: Seeking Greenlight on my first scp

(account deleted) 28 Sep 2020 15:52

Hi. I admire and appreciate your critiques. So besides reading from other scps on the wiki, I also browsed the YouTube which I normally do on readings on different scps and formulated a new idea.

I edited the posting and put the new one.

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joshk

Re: Seeking Greenlight on my first scp

cybersqyd 29 Sep 2020 11:47

[+] Open for more crit!

So, you've really adjusted the properties the phone has but you haven't solved the core problem of them feeling like a big, unrelated grab bag of things: my advice is pick one anomalous property the phone should have and focus on that: presumably in this case it's the random death threats as opposed to the randomly plays music or ability to send texts without signal? Either way, if you're wanting a SCP to have more than one property, it has to feel like they're all related to each other in some manner, rather than just random individual things that you think are interesting.

Beyond this: you hint at there being a mystery around this and it focussing on the foundation trying to like, figure out what's happening here; but there's no indication of there actually being any mystery here: it's a weird thing that does a weird thing but there's no purpose to it or end goal, or any indication that like, it was created by someone to do this.

Honestly: my advice is don't do mystery. It's really hard to write a good mystery in the SCP format, and just having the mystery be 'ooo why does it do this?' almost always ends up feeling unsatisfying because you…haven't given us any reason to care about the answer? Like, at it's core a good mystery has to a) pose questions to a reader b) give them a reason to be invested in the answer; and while this does a) fine, it doesn't do b) at all: like, why does how the phone works matter?

Like I said earlier: trim this down to a single anomalous property: pick whichever one is most interesting to you personally as a writer; and then, really just consider why that matters: how does it affect the world? How does it effect the Foundation? What does it force to happen that's strange and unusual? How can you have a character interact with this in a way that's interesting? How can you make the reader feel something about this?

Re: Seeking Greenlight on my first scp

(account deleted) 29 Sep 2020 13:54

Hi. Thanks for the more crits. I finally get what you really point out in this one because honestly, I haven't really get that what your trying to point out is that the idea simply doesn't connect together. And Per your advice, I will not continue the idea of mystery.
Anyways, I changed the characteristics and this time, I made sure that they really connect together.

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joshk

Re: Seeking Greenlight on my first scp

cybersqyd 02 Oct 2020 15:01

[+] Open for crit

Oh wow the new version is uh, really dramatically different.

This, really just feels like it needs narrative meat: you've got an anomalous object, you've got how the Foundation find it, and then it ends: there's no exploration of it's properties or what they mean, or exploration of like, how the foundation interacts with this object and what they do with it now they've got it, or really any indication you're going to do much of interest here.

The amnesia isn't, a terrible idea here though it feels kinda generically like an antimemetic object and there's already 120 odd SCPs that are antimemetic so this just, really needs you to do something to make it feel different. This isn't necessarily impossible btw: you've got this like, slow forgetfulness that could give you some really fun angles to explore as the foundation try to counteract it's effect for long enough to write the documentation or w/e.

I guess really what I'm saying is: you're trying to write a short story to show off how cool and interesting this idea is, so you've gotta figure out how to actually show that to a reader. And at the moment, you don't really do enough with it to do that.

The Foundation was attracted to an incident concerning an individual that was supposed to purchase and abandoned property, but only ended up attracted at the console and play it for over a few hours already.

This is very minor but a dude disappearing for 'a few hours' is very unlikely to attract Foundation attention, particularly if the explanation is like 'he got distracted by video games', especially since he did end up where he was meant to go. On the flip side: if he's going to an orphanage to buy it, why didn't like, anyone else show up to find him?

Re: Seeking Greenlight on my first scp

cybersqyd 03 Oct 2020 12:41

[+] Open for crit

My biggest concern currently is that the containment story you've set out in the 'Central Narrative' section doesn't really have any way for you to actually play with the themes of abandonment you're talking about in the Hooks: like, there's inherently a sense of abandonment just cos of how the thing was found; but you don't explore it in any way.

This feels, like it really needs just a touch more depth, specifically: what happens now the Foundation gets it? And it feels like you have a really obvious angle where initially they're testing it a bunch and it thinks everything is good again but gradually they stop and it feels even more abandoned and betrayed this time.

Is the SCP actually sapient? You talk about it wanting stuff but it never really has any agency or anything so it's unclear whether it's like, actually wanting attention or just been programmed to want it?

Also, if the SCP is lonely and abandoned, why does it make such loud noises that people can't get near it? The noise makes sense to draw attention, but it feels really odd that it's so loud it hurts people and drives them away; but perhaps that could be used as a deliberate thing to raise the question of whether the SCP is the cause of the abandonment?

Honestly, I just feel like this really needs you to spend like, some actual time developing your idea further and figuring out what to do and not just, abandoning it as soon as you get crit and radically changing everything up.

Re: Seeking Greenlight on my first scp

Francis Scalia 28 Sep 2020 14:59

Hello hello, responding to PM request.

Briefly, my concerns here are largely echoes of cybersqyd.

1) The early SCP site was sort of a hybrid between short stories in disguise and a monster manual for weird objects. Today, the monster manual concept has largely been starved off in favor of stories, albeit ones that are disguised as scientific documents. A phone that does this thing is really just a weird thing as this point, and weird things without stories that make them interesting usually do not last longer than 24h on the mainsite.

2) The idea of "something that makes you go crazy/kill yourself/both" was very common in the early days of the site, and less so now. Something that kills you, especially if that is really all it ends up doing, isn't much of an interesting effect. I'm not saying that you can't write lethal things, but it can't JUST be lethal, and adding a "but you're scared first" isn't too much to distract from that. There are some brilliant articles where the item is not a direct threat to anyone at all.

3) Things like being indestructible and not requiring food/fuel/batteries/whatever are common effects that people add on without really having a reason to do so. Does it make your cell phone more interesting? Do the effects require it to be indestructible or have unlimited battery life? Probably not.

At the end of the day, what you have here is a trope, like a video that kills you when you watch it, or a person in the mirror who drives you crazy. Alone, any ole' horror movie could be written about it, and maybe it'll be really good, or really bad. But the point is that the quality of something like this relies largely on the story, not on the effect itself. Telling us that something is going to kill you when you go crazy is not going to shock anyone on this site, who will be the ones voting whether your article survives or not. If you intend to commit to an idea like this, you can't just stop at the effect. You have to figure out a story in which that effect plays a role that people find interesting.

Hope this helps.

Re: Seeking Greenlight on my first scp

(account deleted) 28 Sep 2020 15:52

Hi. I admire and appreciate your critiques. So besides reading from other scps on the wiki, I also browsed the YouTube which I normally do on readings on different scps and formulated a new idea.

I edited the posting and put the new one.

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joshk

Re: Seeking Greenlight on my first scp

Pedagon 29 Sep 2020 02:25

Hey joshkris!

Pedagon here from the Team of the Oinks! I'm here to be your third critter after being summoned by pm!!

I would have said the same things as cybersqyd and Francis Scalia (so you should definitely take their thoughts into consideration) so I will try to give you something different.

+ Roses, Thorns, and Buds

Roses: Your proposal includes a lot of intricate details that show you have put thought into this and have a story to share with us. That is a great and important part of starting to write for the wiki! However, I cannot determine what the story you are wanting to tell me is. Your different properties are interesting, but I am more interested in why they do what they do, how they happen, and how this phone came to be this anomaly.

Thorns: Your thorns are what the other critters have said already. You have described a lot of what the phone does but not very much of how it does that or why it does that. Can you tell me more about why you think the phone does these things? The fact that you have given it opposing effects where it can soothe anxiety, cause anxiety, or cause fear tells me that you have an idea for why it might be doing more than what first appears.

Buds: You ended your layout with a really interesting sentence:

giving readers an easy puzzle that they can connect together, forming a story.

This is where you should think the most. What does the solution to this puzzle look like? What story am I going to discover by looking at your various documents? How will you make me piece together all the evidence at the end of your and have me feel like I have experienced the world where your object exists? These are your roles as author.

Welcome to the site! I'm looking forward to hearing back from you! :)

-Brian

Last edited on 29 Sep 2020 02:25 by Pedagon Show more

Re: Seeking Greenlight on my first scp

(account deleted) 29 Sep 2020 03:02

Thank you for your crits. I have edited my idea proposal and I will be explaining it below for your convenience:

I included that the Researchers and Investigators alike will come up to a Hypothesis (intelligent guesses) providing possible explanation as to why the scp does what it does. But what I want is to make it a mystery to the readers, so the hypothesis won't be explaining everything, and that there's more to this scp than meets the eye.

If you think that its not a mystery, then I am welcome for suggestions.

PS. I have read some guide present on the wiki (I forgot where and what) and understood it. Probably there's something I got wrong with it.

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joshk

Last edited on 29 Sep 2020 08:15 by (account deleted) Show more

Staff Post - Open

Riemann 29 Sep 2020 15:51

joshkris, please take some time to reflect on the feedback you've gotten here, rather than ask for new feedback. You've been told that this is a grabbag of random effects that lacks a story - none of the edits I see have really addressed that fundamental issue.

Re: Seeking Greenlight on my first scp

Quadraginta 02 Oct 2020 16:39

I'll just add this placeholder.

+Let us start the crit!

I very, very lightly glanced over your numerous revisions and the other critiques that everyone else has given you over the course of these past few days.

I'm going to sum up my thoughts as such on your current idea:

It's too one note and Series 1 with only a basic discovery story, a much too simple and mundane anomaly with basically zero narrative potential and an overdone compulsion effect.

You're shotgunning ideas left and right to see if one sticks. As someone who did that at first, I can guarantee you that's not going to work out too well.

The best advice that was ever given to me: pick an idea you're incredibly fond of and stick to it. Don't give up on it. Flesh it out as much as possible. Stick to it.

It can and very well may take months to make any leeway, but every inch of progress you make feels great. When you finally have a finished product that most people agree works well, you'll be happy you stuck to one idea that you grew attached to.

Slow down, buddy. There's no rush. Taking your time is not a bad thing.

I'll leave some guides to see if I can help you get a better feel for what the wiki looks for nowadays.

+A guide to fleshing out an idea.

+A guide to your first SCP. This gives details on what makes an idea work or not.

The second guide I feel would be a lot more helpful for you. Especially the bit on where it describes what makes an idea too complex, too simple or what gives it low or high depth.

That said, I have said everything I have to say.

I hope I helped and I bid you a good day!

:D

-Quadraginta

Last edited on 02 Oct 2020 19:29 by Quadraginta Show more

Re: Seeking Greenlight on my first scp

(account deleted) 02 Oct 2020 23:22

Hello . Thanks for your crits and help. Per advice, I have recently edited my idea. So I will see what parts of it will work and what to remove and/or change. Have a good day to you. ,

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joshk

Re: Seeking Greenlight on my first scp

Grigori Karpin 03 Oct 2020 06:08

soooooo my first major problem is two fold:
1) its a compulsion effect, forcing people to do stuff… and
2) This is something that which makes you crazy (people affected attacking other people)

Both are fairly well trodden story ideas (or tropes) seen on the wiki.

I could see some substance to commentary on addiction to videogames/digital media perhaps. But echoing cybersqyd's last comment above, I feel like this is missing narrative substance.

For example, a narrative arc that would show the progression of the idea… a journey for the reader to take in understanding why they should care about this device.

Another way you could tackle it is with a character who the reader could relate to. But with such a simplistic anomaly (not a bad thing, I assure you) the worth of the article will be on the execution of a narrative with relatable characters, from my perspective. As this thing is pretty straight forward so a bunch of test logs wouldn't really unpack the themes for the reader.

Moreover, what do you want the reader to take away from this? What thematic or atmospheric tone are you going for?

The anomaly is often much less important than what you do with it. The weirdest, most original anomaly without a narrative is often going to struggle on the mainlist.

Re: Seeking Greenlight on my first scp

ManyMeats 05 Oct 2020 14:49

Brought here by IRC request.

My core concern with this idea is trying to find what here to resonate with. If all the victims lose everything identifying them, that's a good piece of horror but it's also very shallow. If I am not terrified by the thought of having my identity melt away, how is this piece going to make me feel emotion?

When I compare this idea to something like SCP-3000, which has a similar effect in a very different way, the story is delivered in a compelling fashion by way of lots of different character related details. What here is character-driven? People with no memories play gameboys. That's about it. I need more depth in mind before I could support this.

Re: Seeking Greenlight on my first scp

(account deleted) 06 Oct 2020 15:23

Hi. Thank you for your crits. It has been a great help to me. I have updated the idea and if your still willing, give another crits. Thanks !

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joshk

Re: Seeking Greenlight on my first scp

Marcelles_Raynes 06 Oct 2020 20:14

Noting a summon via PMs.

Let's dive in, shall we?

So, from what I can surmise, the anomaly here is a compulsion effect that erases one's memories so completely that they forget who they are and their surroundings. This is okay, but there isn't really a lot of tension present. Anomalies with compulsion effects (like how the object attracts victims by a sound) tend to not do well because they lack tension. We know that something bad is going to happen because the characters literally can't do anything else to stop it. And we often know what that thing is because of the Description or even the Special Containment Procedures in some cases. This is what is making your narrative feel weak.

I like the idea of nuns using the anomaly on children for nefarious purposes, but this again raises another question: How and why are the nuns immune from the effect? And how are they able to keep other children away from the object as well? The noise attracts people, and the object keeps making that noise if it hasn't been played for a while. So surely something would have happened in the orphanage if none of the children were "good enough" to play the GameBoy.

Another thing: Why exactly does this thing wipe one's memories? What does it or its creators have to gain from this? This is an object that resembles a children's toy (which, game consoles are not child exclusive I know, but they are the most marketed demographic for this type of thing I think), so what did whoever make it want? Why is this object here and why does it do what it does? These questions do not need clear answers in your article mind you, but they should have answers that you can allude to. You don't have to spell it out for us, but you should leave enough of a bread crumb trail that we the reader can put the pieces together ourselves.

That all being said, your current narrative feels… bland? They find a guy playing the game who can't remember anything. Then the agent who found that guy ends up playing the game and forgetting everything. Then the second agent ends up doing the same thing, but before he loses himself he finds out the stuff about the orphanage and all that. But what happened to that first guy and the second guy? The Foundation lost contact with the agent, but there isn't anything here that could even allude to what happened to him. The stakes are also very low and, consequently, are not very engaging. I get that losing your memories can be terrifying, but there isn't enough here to really make us feel for any of these characters or their fates.

Take SCP-3890 for one. This article instills the dread of having our memories stolen by a shapeshifting creature and shows the protagonist slowly fighting to keep herself from turning into one of the mindless husks that are wandering the desert. How will you do this in your article? How do you intend to make us feel for the characters in this piece?

That's all I've got for you today. Good luck!

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~ M.D.R.