where a teenager reportedly found “evidence for the end of world” in a home.
Did you mean "evidence for the end of the world?"
The tape begins, a child's laughter is heard
I think, 'The tape begins and a child's laughter is heard' would be better.
Note that I'm still very new and my Clinical Tone is very meh. I'll try my best regardless.
Unknown Voice: Calm down Emma, no need to get rowdy. Dad is making this for Grandpa, you should run along little one.
The comma placements here make it seem very frantic and a little odd to read.
Try, 'Calm down, Emma, there's no need to get rowdy. Dad is making this for Grandpa, so run along, little run.'
See how it makes the dad seem more patient and caring? I get the feeling that's what you were going for.
Heavy clunking was heard, presumably from them running away.
Tense changing. Tense should be consistent.
Like, 'Heavy clunking is heard, presumably from them running away.'
On that note, 'running away' is odd word choice, like they're fleeing from something.
Unknown Voice: Anyway, hey dad. I know I don't always return calls, but I just wanted to give you an update in the only way I know it will reach you.
Is it just me, or does this read strangely?
I personally would say, 'Anyways, hey dad. I know I don't always return call, but I just wanted to give you an update in the only way I know I could reach you.'
Then again, my method of speaking IRL can be a little strange at times…therefore, dialogue is not my strongest suit either. But I'll try on that, too. :')
Unknown Voice: They chuckle Caroline says hi.
This just feels like a very intrusive way of inserting character specific actions.
Try this:
Unknown Voice: <chuckles> Caroline says hi.
Next:
Unknown Voice: It's Caroline, she's sick…
Maybe it's just me, but a lot of your commas feel like they're in strange spots.
To me, 'It's Caroline…she's sick…' feels stronger, because it's a man worried for his lover. The brief pause, to me, feels stronger. Maybe it's just me? I am a little pretentious and I do love dramatic pauses…
Unknown Voice: Did I tell you she won a spelling bee? She's so smart and growing so fast! I'm so proud.
This line felt the most natural so far. I dig it.
Unknown Voice: I can't believe it myself… A car swerved onto the road while she was playing and slammed her straight into a wall…
I felt this. Man, did I feel this. Ugh. I FELT this.
an adolescent female presumably in their thirties with brown hair is seen on the photo.
Um…I'm no expert on teenage development, but I know that thirty+ years old is NOT adolescent.
Unidentified Person: These two, were my life. My everything.
Comma not needed.
They start to stand up and reach over and grab the camera, the video ends there.
You use some really strange word choices that are wordier than necessary.
Try:
They walk over to the camera and stop the recording.
It's quicker, stronger, and still communicates the same action.
he’s outside and walking down the sidewalk of a road.
'Walking down the sidewalk of a road' is stilted and strange, written or spoken.
'Walking down a sidewalk' communicates the same meaning with fewer words and more naturally.
There’s trees on both sides of the road, with no building in sight.
'There are trees', not, 'There's trees'.
That said, no contraction words in clinical tone.
it’s hard to even get in a car. I can only imagine how scared Emma was.
Ugh. I felt this one too. Yikes.
They walk over and pick up the camera, and begin heading to other wrecks.
You also use a lot of, 'begins' and 'starts' when just stating the action would sound more natural.
Like, 'They pick up the camera and head over to other wrecks.'
That said, I'm not sure 'head over' and 'wreck' are Clinical Tone-appropriate. Not sure what alternatives to offer.
Unidentified Man: That enraged you, my life never having been truly in the hands of one and mighty God? You threw curveball after curveball trying to weaken me. You tried to break my will, so you could reclaim me.
I question why this man is still bothering to record this. This feels way too rehearsed and artificial. It functions fine in communicating the message, but it logically doesn't feel right.
Several turkey vultures are spotted swarming the nearby area and feasting on a carcass of a dog. They are laughing.
For a second there, I thought you meant that the turkey vultures were laughing. Very odd phrasing. 'The man laughs' would work just fine and it would also state that they are laughing, not the vultures.
