SCP Idea: The suit that bites back [Seeking greenlight]

Summary:

Another SCP idea

SCP Idea: The suit that bites back [Seeking greenlight]

DrHeinrichStein 25 Sep 2020 18:30

Seeking Greenlights: Yes

Page Type: SCP Article

Genre (Optional): (possibly) horror

Page Layout (Optional): regular SCP page layout

Elevator Pitch:

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This SCP is a mechanical suit. If a human is put inside the suit it slowly breaks the human’s body down until there is only their heart left. The human will have full consciousness as it’s body is broken down while in the suit. When the heart is all that is left in the suit an AI will begin to control the suit instead of the original wearer. The AI only appears after the heart is all that’s left because the brain of the victim is what is consumed right before the heart is all that’s left. The suit always requires some sort of “brain” to function, therefore when the victim’s brain is gone the AI takes over.

Central Narrative:

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Central Narrative will be that the suit was created by a scientist who wanted to generally help humanity, however after a while the suit came into the grasp of a psychopath. Said Psychopath programmed the fact that the suit now runs on human flesh and he also created the AI of the suit, based off his own personality. Although there was a fault in the AI’s programming, because whenever someone is put into the suit the AI gains personality traits from those people

Hook/Attention-Grabber: A main hook for this SCP is that it takes the overpowered power suit clique and spins that by giving a reason not to wear a power suit.

Last edited on 27 Sep 2020 03:52 by DrHeinrichStein Show more

Forum Criticism Team - Junior Staff Post

Truc Linh 26 Sep 2020 01:03

DrHeinrichStein, per the required forum guidelines found here: http://www.scp-wiki.net/forum/t-13282684/required-reading:how-to-use-this-forum-ideas

The combined text of the last four sections¹of the template may not exceed 400 words.

What you currently have is about 230 words over the limit. For future reference, you can check wordcount using this site: https://wordcounter.net/

Please edit and trim your post accordingly rather than creating a new thread, and if you are having trouble editing, click the "edit" function under the "options" tab to the lower right of your post. Please feel free to then reach out to a reviewer for your concept: http://www.scp-wiki.net/forum/t-13282692/how-to-get-more-reviews

Footnotes

1. Elevator Pitch, Central Narrative, Hook/Attention-Grabber, and Additional Notes.

Forum Criticism Team - Captain Post

Zyn 26 Sep 2020 05:00

Noting that the current text is still 100 words over the forum limit.

Last edited on 26 Sep 2020 05:00 by Zyn Show more

Re: SCP Idea: The suit that bites back [Seeking greenlight]

Marcelles_Raynes 25 Sep 2020 20:34

On behalf of the Team of the Oinks, I will be looking at this post!

Let's dive in, shall we?

So it seems that you have a very good grasp on what your anomaly is, how it works, and what its origins are. These are all very good things to have in mind when you're writing an SCP! However, my main issue here is with your narrative. I don't really see how anyone would willingly put such a dangerous handicap on a suit that was meant to enhance the strength of the wielder. It would make more sense if the AI put that handicap on the suit itself without its creator's knowledge, which would lead to more narrative branches for you to explore. However, going that route would run you into trouble with resembling 035's abilities too closely. You really need to be careful with however you choose to execute this!

Your narrative is also not very compelling. I can see that you want to explore the backstory of this skip, but there should be more to the article than just the lore. You have to be able to make us care about this thing before you give us extra information about it. The D-Class's experiences when wearing the suit seem like it could be a good idea to pursue, but you have to have a very strong plot to carry a relatively simple idea.

Getting back to motive, you should try to think about why the researcher wanted to create this thing, why the AI comes to be after the heart is all that remains in the suit, and why the AI is so hostile towards humanity. Creatures and things that want to destroy the entirety of humanity is a fairly used and explored trope, so you really need to make sure that this stands out on its own in order to be successful. To do that, you and the reader need to have a very clear grasp on the AI's motives and to make sure those motives are interesting and warranted.

That's all I've got for you so far. Good luck!

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~ M.D.R.

Re: SCP Idea: The suit that bites back [Seeking greenlight]

DrHeinrichStein 25 Sep 2020 20:48

Thank you for your feedback Marcellas, and thank you for noting other SCPs that this is similar to so that I may avoid being too similar to another SCP

Re: SCP Idea: The suit that bites back [Seeking greenlight]

REDESERT 26 Sep 2020 01:59

Hello DrHeinrichStein! let's take a look :)

SAND

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Overall concept:

The concept here looks fairly fleshed out, and while I'm not oppose to the idea, there is one big issue I have with the skips motives. That being the AI's hatred toward people, due to this element not being explained much (or given a unique perspective), the skip itself feels like an "AI that is trying to kill humanity" cliche.- it almost feels like the terminator?

Considering this 'AI' is likely going to be the main focus, I would recommend you give reasons for why the skip is the way it is, and try to steer clear of the "it wants to kill humanity because machines are the future" storyline, that sort of concept has been done a fair bit already.

-Small note: the concept is a little too detailed, I would recommend you try and fit the skip and its anomaly into about 2-3 sentences.- fine details aren't really needed until the drafting process.

Overall Narrative:

This is where most of my issues are, the narrative is far too vague and there isn't any clear (or compelling) through line. I'm unsure on where it was found, what ends up being tested, what is learnt by the end, what everything is building up to and who the characters are. Along with this, the current story doesn't really grab my attention or interest, there isn't anything that makes me want to learn more about the skip. What will make me as the reader care?

Red or green?

Due to my afore mentioned concerns, no Greenlight.

-The skip itself feels like a cliche, as the skip doesn't build up to much else than an 'AI that wants to kill humanity'. As a result, the current storyline (which in its current state is rather vague) doesn't grab my attention or interest, as the skip itself doesn't have much to offer.

I would recommend you look into the skips motives, try experimenting with different motives and ideas, often times you'll find that unexpected/unforeseen motives that subvert audience expectation are the most interesting and easy to build on.- that said, try not to make twists for the sake of twists.

I look forward to seeing the next edit, do feel free to let me know when/if you would like additional feedback!

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Heyo follow up!

MORE SAND

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The concept:

Elevator Pitch:

This SCP is a mechanical suit. If a human is put inside the suit it slowly breaks the human’s body down until there is only their heart left. The human will have full consciousness as it’s body is broken down while in the suit. When the heart is all that is left in the suit an AI will begin to control the suit instead of the original wearer.

Overall, the concept itself, along with the suits functions looks fairly thought out. Though with that said, I'm a little unsure on why this AI only appears when the heart is left. There doesn't seem to be much of an expiation/reason behind it. Is the AI capable of communicating with the victim at all?

The narrative:

Central Narrative:

Central Narrative will be that the suit was created by a scientist who wanted to generally help humanity, however after a while the suit came into the grasp of a psychopath. Said Psychopath programmed the fact that the suit now runs on human flesh and he also created the AI of the suit, based off his own personality. Although there was a fault in the AI’s programming, because whenever someone is put into the suit the AI gains personality traits from those people

This is closer to additional info/a back story, the Foundation doesn't seem to be involved at all. Considering they are ones writing about the skip, it's odd that there is no record of where the skip was found or what was tested on it. The overall story is still lacking in a clear through line, as there doesn't seem to be much of a setup, middle act and payoff.

As for the characters, their motives aren't really explained or given much depth, which makes me them feel a bit flat. The "psychopath" element feels a little cliched and lazy to me, as the entire reason the skip went hay-wire is because "evil psychopath", there didn't see to be a motive behind it or anything.

- Another issue I got with this is how this person managed to program an AI and change the fuel source of the suit, how would this person know how to do that? not even the Foundation seems to be able to program the suit.

Red or green?
For now I'll hold of on a greenlight.- as I feel the story needs to include the Foundation and the people working there more, along with the 'AI' being given a stronger motive.

-In terms of characters and story, perhaps you could focus a little on the suits victims, maybe the AI could start to learn what sympathy and emotions are? and through that gain a new perspective on people?

Do let me know when/if this receives an edit, I'll be more than happy to give this a follow up critique in the coming days/hours. :)

Cheers,

-The Desert

Last edited on 27 Sep 2020 02:46 by REDESERT Show more