Void Hands

Summary:

An ever growing void, possibly restructuring humanity as a whole.

Void Hands

Uber_Yellow 25 Sep 2020 14:31

A rather short article, sitting around 750 words. It details a quickly and exponentially growing area centralized in upstate new york that will eventually envelop the world, and possibly kill all life on land. A rather simple but I feel effective idea. Take a look, I would definitely like some crit.

http://scp-sandbox-3.wikidot.com/communismchicken
(Second tab)

Re: Void Hands

Quadraginta 26 Sep 2020 17:51

Note: I'm not a pro.

+Let us start the crit!

they are to be immediately terminated and their bodies incinerated and sent back in an urn to their families. Any photographs depicting an instance of SCP-XXXX-1 are to be immediately retrieved and incinerated, and the photographer is to be faced with disciplinary action via court of law.

I took on the task of attempting to crit someone more experienced than myself and I, in turn, have learned a technique to build suspense in just the ConProcs alone.

Well done!

👍

The immediate termination of citizens and near-cruelty of immediately trying unsuspecting victims in a court of law was a firm slap to my face, essentially the article saying, 'look, we ain't @#$#ing around.'

Effective. Scary.

Brilliant.

The danger that everyone involved is in

Your clinical tone far exceeds mine, but I do think this line could use some patching up.

I'm…not personally sure what to offer, though. The part that got me was, 'everyone involved is in,' most notably the, 'involved is in,' part made me reread it once or twice to get the meaning.

But maybe I'm just slow.

they will suddenly feel an overpowering urge to walk towards and interact with an SCP-XXXX-1 instance

I think the 'suddenly' is unnecessary.

That said, aren't compulsions frowned upon nowadays? I feel like slapping on the urge to interact with an anomaly is overdone…

This black mist (hereafter referred to as SCP-XXXX-2) is self-replicating mist

Is a self-replicating mist*

Move the human population suspended in the air.

This instantly gave me Control vibes and I'm not sure if having a resemblance to a video game inspired by the SCP wiki is a good thing or a bad thing…

Do nothing.

Um. This level of unprofessionalism is a little lolfoundation.

+Final thoughts

I was hooked from the very beginning. I loved the mysterious feel it had and the creepy atmosphere and the complete lack of an explanation as to what was going on.

I have an EXTREME soft spot for Series 1 SCPs (and I'm sure some people think I'm nuts for it) and this draft read like an extremely refined Series 1 SCP. It shows that the 'Anomaly-only with little to no Story' approach can still work. Unless there is a story and I just didn't notice

The compulsion effect still bothers me, but I'm not sure what else to say there.

Also, the O5 Decisions were a little too lolfoundation for my liking. That's a Series 1 trope that I'm happy to be largely rid of, (and sequestered into a Canon as tribute instead.) So maybe change that?

Regardless of nitpicks, I'd upvote this.

I'm also still extremely new and inexperienced, so, take that how you will!

:D

👍

-Quadraginta

P.S. I think my own clinical tone leveled up just by reading this, so thank you for posting this for critique. Have a good day!

Re: Void Hands

Uber_Yellow 26 Sep 2020 23:41

Thank you for your crit, you did great for a new critter. I certainly am glad I could help you with your writing.

I have taken everything you said into account and changed the article accordingly, I appreciate your efforts to help improve this one so everyone on the wiki enjoys it :)

I hope to see you come out with more helpful reviews in the future!

Last edited on 26 Sep 2020 23:42 by Uber_Yellow Show more

Re: Void Hands

PlaguePJP 26 Sep 2020 22:07

+ Text critique

SCP-XXXX is an anomalous phenomena currently effecting a circular

phenomena -> phenomenon, effecting-> affecting

It is possible that SCP-XXXX uses the victim's life energy when dragged underground to sustain its growth and function.

Both non-clinical and unneeded.

+ Overall

You have a lot, and I mean a lot of unnecessary detail, especially in your containment procedures. I'll point out a few for you here.

The spread of SCP-XXXX is impossible by current methods to halt, so SCP-XXXX and its growth is to be monitored closely by MTF Mu-13 "Ghostbusters."

This one is just poorly worded, but I see the need here.

If civilians are not compliant, they are to be immediately terminated and their bodies incinerated and sent back in an urn to their families.

There's also a pervasive lack of clinical tone throughout the entire article, example being:

After this, the hand will begin violently slashing and cutting in the lifeform's general direction.

Overall, I'm not feeling this one. It has the Series 1 feel to it, but the charm of those type of articles is long gone at this point. That's not to say that short-form articles don't have a place, they do and I'll get into more later. As for what you specifically have here, it's a void that tries to grab things and is growing. The containment procedures make this out to be some sort of world-ending threat but it seems that keeping people away from it would stop it from expanding in size. Also, if my math is right, this thing is 334767 square kilometers which is almost three times the size of England. This thing has already enveloped the entire upper east coast of the United States.

That aside, this isn't much to be gained here. The containment procedures are trying extremely hard to build up this thing's danger but it's completely unrealized in the article. Your ending is also nonsensical, the O5 Council wants to make people fly? This seems completely unfeasible and unrealistic by SCP Foundation standards.

The main issue here is the total lack of narrative, it's spooky thing that kills and there's no way to stop it. To conclude, I'll give you a few things to read to get a sense of narrative, short form, and danger.

• SCP-5031
• SCP-5430
• SCP-5620 shameless plug
• SCP-618
• SCP-3219

Last edited on 27 Sep 2020 17:43 by PlaguePJP Show more

Re: Void Hands

Uber_Yellow 27 Sep 2020 18:50

Thanks for your crit, I'll modify my story accordingly.

Just a note, I'm not attempting to portray that people should be able to fly, I'm saying that shelters and buildings should be raised off of the ground.

I appreciate your crit and I'll try to make a story out of this.