Earth-Moon-Earth (or Resurfaced Memortics)

Summary:

Looking for feedback on an SCP draff; its got a submersible & the moon - 1.8k.

Earth-Moon-Earth (or Resurfaced Memortics)

DodoDevil 19 Sep 2020 19:26

Hello,

I'm looking for feedback on an SCP draft I'm working on. Any and all comments are welcome!

Length: 1.8k (Closer to 2.6 now)

Link: http://scp-sandbox-3.wikidot.com/thedododevil

Thanks!

Edit: Based om feedback from reviewers, I am attempting to rewrite the dialogue, a WIP of this change has replaced the original interviews.

Last edited on 21 Sep 2020 17:59 by DodoDevil Show more

Re: Earth-Moon-Earth (or Resurfaced Memortics)

YellowISlol 20 Sep 2020 00:27

[quick placeholder, sometimes I read in parts]

Heyo, it's yellow, sorry I made you wait, didn't mean to.

When it comes to line by line, I'm no expert, but Comrade Waldo, did a great job at that, so I'm gonna skip over that.

Now, the part I'm reviewing, the narrative bit. Honestly, your execution was great, your story had a great rising factor, and the twist surprised me a lot. However, the dialogue felt really, off, to me. When it came to the description, addenda, etc., I found it easy to read through those parts, and it kept me engaged. But when I was reading through the dialogue, I had a lot of trouble staying focused on it. For me, this typically means it feels unnatural for the circumstances. Another problem was the fact that, when reading the dialogue, there were points where I felt like one person was the other. They feel really similar, and they have little personality. While yes, the important stuff was obvious, the finer details had me confused in the dialogue.

Maybe I'm just being dumb, but the dialogue felt really off to me. I don't have much experience with drafts (typically I stick to the idea forums), so I'm sorry if this felt unhelpful. Anyways, I like the concept. I'm in no place to say I understand every bit of it, but the dialogue could use some work

~Yellow

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~~~🐜Ant boi baby🐜~~~

Last edited on 21 Sep 2020 04:37 by YellowISlol Show more

Re: Earth-Moon-Earth (or Resurfaced Memortics)

DodoDevil 21 Sep 2020 16:11

No need to apologize! I really appreciate you taking the time to give feedback on my work!

I agree that the dialogue was off and far too expository and dry. I've attempted to rewrite those portions (although still a work in progress), and if you're willing to give it another look, would love to hear your thoughts!

Thanks again!

Re: Earth-Moon-Earth (or Resurfaced Memortics)

Comrade Waldo 20 Sep 2020 05:55

Hey there! I hope you're doing alright!
Let's take a look at your draft, shall we?

Line-by-line

our perpersonalities

You spelled personality wrongly.

I Couldn't crack the biological-memortic transition.

Miss capitalized couldn't.

The subvject wouldn't die

Misspelled subject.

it also translated it into to comprehensible data that was then encoded and transferred to a secure store

I'd erase the to in between the into and comprehensible.

And that's all the grammar errors that I saw; apologies if I missed something.

Overall

I think the main problem I have with this draft is the lack of emotion in it. The SCP and narrative are interesting, and I like the pacing and plot twist of the draft, but there's no emotion or feeling while reading it. The escalation of it is well-executed, but when we come with the twist, it just feels bland. Characterization is something you should work on, as well. Both Dr. Werner and Agent Murphy feel the same, nothing particularly interesting of them or remarkable. Something simple like an accent could help in the characterization.

Overall, those are the two main problems I see with this draft. But, you didn't say what issues you had with it, so maybe does count. Apologies if my review isn't so helpful, but I'm honest about not having issues besides those two. I wish you the best of luck when publishing your draft. That's all for me!

Good luck, Comrade!

Re: Earth-Moon-Earth (or Resurfaced Memortics)

DodoDevil 20 Sep 2020 17:07

Thank you for your feedback - your review is extremely helpful!

I made the line-by-line changes you suggested. Overall, I agree that the characterization is a weak point. When I was writing it I think I was focussing too much on wanting to get the information across that its wound up being quite expository and bland. I'll have another go to see what I can do to inject a little more personality and emotion into the article & specifically the audio logs.

Many thanks!

Re: Earth-Moon-Earth (or Resurfaced Memortics)

PlaguePJP 20 Sep 2020 15:57

Hi! I'm Plague and I'll be taking a look at your draft. Sorry this took a while.

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I'll split this up into two sections. The first will be before the WIP dialogue and the second will be after the WIP dialogue.

Overall, your hook is very, very intriguing. This concept is a somewhat overdone one, possible, of a previously unknown/lost foundation item but the logs stored on this are what sold me. There isn't a lot for me to comment on here. Your clinical tone is good, as well as your sentence structure along with that there isn't any fat I need to point out so you could cut. Possibly tone down the technical jargon in the second file but if it's needed I don't think there's much of an issue. Great mystery set up.

So yeah, I see the issue in these dialogue logs. They're way too technical jargon-y and overstuffed. I'll tell you, that first one was a struggle to push through. The advice to could give is to put it in more laymen's terms or break up those larger paragraphs. I also don't think flat out telling us the information is the most satisfying way to relay the narrative to us. I'd rather have this be slowly uncovered, this is a personal opinion but it could be an interesting way to take this story.

Last edited on 23 Sep 2020 19:32 by PlaguePJP Show more