Something to keep him at bay. Seeking greenlights and critique

Something to keep him at bay. (Edited)

TheHorrorWizard 18 Sep 2020 22:44

Seeking Greenlights: Yes

Article Type: Basic SCP Article

Elevator Pitch: SCP-XXXX is a gemstone appearing to be a sapphire. The gem is circular and is around 4 inches wide. When any damage is inflicted on the gem, wether it be a scratch, dent or a peice is broken off, a humanoid figure that appears to be engulfed in flames that is around 8 feet tall will appear and kill the one who damaged the sapphire. Then a mass killing of some sort will take place. How long the killing lasts, and the magnitude of damage done to the surroundings will be determined by how much damage is done to the gem. A scratch will likely result in around 10 deaths, with the entity only present for around 15 minutes. A dent may result in the entity awakening for about a half hour and around 50 people may die depending on where it heads. If a peice is broken off, a catastrophic event may occur.

+ show block

The only record of this ever happening was in a journal found with the gem. Evidence indicates that the gems tip was broken off and as a result, the eruption of Pompeii occurred, this may mean the entity might have to power to bend nature to its will. The gem was found by the foundation when it was found in a cave by an archeologist, who then gave it to his wife. The wife dropped the gem on the floor by accident and scraped it. The entity appeared, and only one doctor survived the killing.

Central Narrative:
The central narrative will likely be about the discovery of this anomaly, and why it behaves the way it does. When the sapphire is discovered by the foundation, a small brown leather journal is found in a box with the gem. The journal appears to have been written by the entity as a warning to any who find the gem. The Sapphire is the Entity's home, and when damage is influcted on it, the entity feels the need to defend its home, and seek revenge on humanity for harming its home. However much damage is inflicted on its home, he will do however much damage he sees fit to our home (earth) to make up for it. The entity threatened, that if its home is completely destroyed, them he will ensure our home is completely destroyed. Meaning earth.

Hook/Attention Grabber: During one of its acts of vengeance, it was seen to have the ability to take possession of one of its victims bodies. It likely uses this as a means of disguise or protection against things that could harm it.

Additional Notes: I am 100% open to criticism for this idea. Please feel free to suggest things I could do to improve or add to this SCP proposal. Thank you!

As a courtesy to our readers on mobile devices, please collapse long posts. Also, please note the Ideas Critique required reading wordcount limit; your post is about 55 words over. ~Zyn

Last edited on 02 Oct 2020 05:05 by Zyn Show more

Re: Something to keep him at bay. Seeking greenlights and critique

Marcelles_Raynes 19 Sep 2020 00:39

Marcelles_Raynes here on behalf of the Team of the Oinks!

Let's dive in, shall we?

While I'm all for historical event based SCPs, I am not really sure how I feel about this one. It feels rather… odd to say the least. I understand that oddness is the nature of this website, but I do not see the connection between this random gem and the catastrophic events that damage it causes. I feel like this object is more or less just an object without any correlation to the narrative. What's stopping the gem from being, say, a sheet of paper? Or a sword? Or a bullet? You need to make sure that your anomaly makes sense in the context of the story as well otherwise the narrative starts to fall apart.

That being said, the actual narrative here does not seem very interesting. The object is responsible for catastrophic events, yes, but why do we care about that at all? Like, I see that you want to do some research notes or incident logs, but where is the actual story? How are the Foundation personnel going to deal with the knowledge that this object can effectively cause the end of the world if it is destroyed? How are you going to derive any emotion from the reader? What narrative arcs, if any, are going to be present in this article?

Give my questions some thought, perhaps they will aid you in your writing endeavors. Good luck!

---

~ M.D.R.

Re: Something to keep him at bay. Seeking greenlights and critique

TheHorrorWizard 19 Sep 2020 00:59

Alright, all of the information is noted. I definitely did pan on writing it out a lot more detailed, this was just a summery of the anomaly. I think I may need a lot of help to write a good SCP to be honest. Although it does upset me a little to not have approval, I do see your points. I will try to improve this idea. Thank you for your input.

Re: Something to keep him at bay. Seeking greenlights and critique

ConspiracyMirrorist 19 Sep 2020 05:29

Note: not a greenlighter

+ Me write critique

When any damage is inflicted on the gem, weather it be a scratch, dent or a piece is broken off, a humanoid figure that appears to be engulfed in flames that is around 8 feet tall will appear and kill the one who damaged the sapphire.

This is oddly similar to SCP-178. Not that I don't like the idea, just that it might be a little to similar for some people.

The central narrative will mainly be about incidents, tragedies and catastrophes occurring through history due to some form of damage being inflicted upon this gem.

This is not a narrative! This is great for your addendum, but needs to replaced. A great way to come up with a narrative is to ask yourself questions. Why does the catastrophic event happen? What happens if the gem is completely destroyed? Why is the creature in the gem? Is it is home? That would make sense to why he kills people who damage it. Overall, your SCP should tell a story, not just be a log of deaths.

Therefore, if the gem is completely destroyed, it may result in an end of the world event.

I would ditch this. It's not interesting, and not original. Put something else in, like the creature inhabits another object, or he kills and posesses the destroyer's body.

Final Notes:

There is a lot of holes in this idea, but it is still interesting. With some work, it could be a great addition to the SCP universe. If you need anything else, you can PM me between 12 and 2 A.M. Los Angeles time.

Best of wishes, ConspiracyMirrorist

Re: Something to keep him at bay. Seeking greenlights and critique

TheHorrorWizard 20 Sep 2020 00:58

Thank you very much for the crit! I will be sure to improve this and keep your suggestions and ideas in mind! I think you really did bring up some solid points that would improve the anomaly, which is why I decided to go back and edit the proposal to give it more of a narrative. And I made the hook a bit more interesting. I would really appreciate some help improving this SCP idea and getting it published. So once again, thanks for your input! If there are any other things I should improve on, please let me know.

Last edited on 20 Sep 2020 05:39 by TheHorrorWizard Show more