*Seeking Greenlights* SCP-XXXX - Native American Spirit

Summary:

Hello! I'm seeking criticism for my new SCP idea.

*Seeking Greenlights* SCP-XXXX - Native American Spirit

Vecter Specter 17 Sep 2020 22:43

Seeking Greenlights: Yes

Page Type: SCP Article

Elevator Pitch: The vengeful ghost of famous Native American John Rolfe is haunting a excavated peace-pipe in South Eastern Virginia takes his revenge by selling anomalous cigars through a sympathetic museum curator, because of his wife's untimely death in England.

Central Narrative: After the peace-pipe is found, the museum curator takes it back to the Native American Museum. While logging all of the artifacts, he hears the spirit (The SCP) talking to him. The SCP says that he's at unrest because of how much the Native Americans are taken advantage of, and the fact that his wife was killed in a foreign place by a stranger.

The curator starts selling anomalous cigars (Produced by the SCP), when smoked, the smoker goes through an insanity process, they start hearing the spirits of fallen Native American warriors screaming at them. These ghosts influence the smoker to kill their friends and families. (Idea of the effects of the cigars is still in progress)

Hook/Attention Grabber: The people who are affected by the cigars start murdering their friends and families to get the spirits to leave them alone.

Additional Notes: This is my first SCP, so criticism is much needed. Thanks!

Last edited on 22 Sep 2020 19:26 by Vecter Specter Show more

Re: *Seeking Greenlights* SCP-XXXX - Native American Spirit

Quadraginta 18 Sep 2020 07:44

Note: Not a verified critter.

+Let us start the crit!

The whole thing is really just, 'it's a ghost that chills out in a peace-pipe and convinced a museum curator to sell haunted cigars.

It's a slightly unique spin on a vengeful ghost story, but still not a whole lot going on. 'Going mad from being haunted,' I feel, is a very trope-ish haunting story. So is, 'hearing voices until they kill someone.' Or 'do this to appease an angry spirit.'

I'd like for you to expand on what happened to the ghost, if anything. What makes him so vengeful? Expand on his tribe.

he's at unrest because of how much the Native Americans were taken advantage of back then.

I want to see this explored.

What ultimately convinces the curator to be on the Native American's side?

…The anomaly itself, I'm not…too too sure of what to add. The more I think about it, the more I kind of like it, but at the same time, it feels like there's something more that needs to be added.

All in all, too typical haunted vengeful ghost story, needs expansion on characters,

THE CRIT'S OVER!

That said, I'm still just doing practice critique.

So, before I go, here are some gifts.

A list of ceritifed critters.

A guide for fleshing out your idea

Step by step guide to first SCP

I hope I helped at least a little.

Good luck! :D

Re: *Seeking Greenlights* SCP-XXXX - Native American Spirit

Pedagon 18 Sep 2020 21:14

Hey!

Pedagon here from the Team of the Oinks! I'm here to be your critter!!

Before I start on this one, I want to acknowledge that I am a white Canadian of settler-colonizer heritage and that this is the framework through which I am giving feedback. If you are not of Indigenous heritage, specifically the group you are writing about, I recommend you take the time to acknowledge that for yourself too before starting to write.

+ Roses and Thorns

The roses are very delicate here because the idea is a good story but I am cautious of how it could go wrong. I think your idea is good and could be written very well as long as the thorns are considered. I will explain my worries in the thorns.

Thorn 1:

takes his revenge by selling anomalous cigars

Indigenous people selling tobacco and cigars is a stereotype that could be handled well (the significance of tobacco to culture is the reason) or could be handled poorly ("Indigenous people love casinos, tobacco, and alcohol so I chose cigars").

The SCP says that he's at unrest because of how much the Native Americans were taken advantage of back then.

Still are. I advise not making this aspect something that is solely in the past because it really isn't.

These ghosts influence the smoker to kill their friends and families by scalping them as revenge from the fallen warriors.

This is a really traumatic theme and action to write about if you are an outsider like me. I caution you against doing the trope of "angry indigenous spirits are violent and dangerous" because that can get really touchy.

Overall: Your idea isn't bad, it is just based on some sensitive ideas, stereotypes, and histories. As such, I am critiquing it as a historical piece and would like to see some mention of histories and an expansion of the motives for why cigars, why the possessions, why the peace pipe, etc. Before I can confidently back this idea, I need to know that you will treat the topic respectfully and with thought through understanding of the topic. This would address my worries but would also address the things that I would need from any other idea of why the anomaly is what it is and how you would use it to tell a story or make a commentary.

I'm looking forward to hearing back from you! :)

-Brian

Last edited on 18 Sep 2020 21:20 by Pedagon Show more

Re: *Seeking Greenlights* SCP-XXXX - Native American Spirit

Vecter Specter 18 Sep 2020 22:49

Hey! Thanks for the crits! I got all of this information from one of my family members (He is a history teacher at a high school), so I don't really know too much about this stuff myself. Is there anyway I can tone down the sensitive topics without removing too much of the horror factor?

Re: *Seeking Greenlights* SCP-XXXX - Native American Spirit

Pedagon 19 Sep 2020 04:56

Hey! Thanks for the pm! I love getting responses and seeing the growth :)

The fact that you are looking to address these issues and write a respectful story gives me confidence in this idea! But before I can give the greenlight I still need to see the proposal grow a little bit in the way you will present each of the ideas and how you will tell this story using the SCP format.

My advice for figuring out how to present this narrative respectfully and correctly is to do some research on the history of the group you are using and talk to some people who would know more about writing about this culture. Check out the list of expert witnesses to see if anyone there could give some advice or ask the site at the Research and Resources Forum.

Half of good writing is good researching.

Good luck and please feel free to keep me updated as you progress :)

- Brian

Last edited on 19 Sep 2020 04:57 by Pedagon Show more

Re: *Seeking Greenlights* SCP-XXXX - Native American Spirit

Vecter Specter 19 Sep 2020 11:36

I was going to try to edit the post with the fixed errors, but I figured that I would be able to tell the story through an interview with the museum curator. And maybe the SCP itself as well. Thanks again, and I'm looking forward to hearing back from you.

Re: *Seeking Greenlights* SCP-XXXX - Native American Spirit

Pedagon 19 Sep 2020 16:28

Hey again!!

That would be a great idea! I would want more information on this interview in your proposal though. I'll outline below where I think you will need to add more detail before I would recommend it for greenlight :)

+ More crit

The ghost of a vengeful Powhatan Native American haunting a excavated peace-pipe in South Eastern Virginia takes his revenge by selling anomalous cigars through a sympathetic museum curator.

After the peace-pipe is found,

Where is it found? This might seem like an insignificant detail at this stage but it is really important for the narrative you are trying to tell. For example, if it is "found" by robbing a gravesite that would be a very different narrative from if it was found in someone's backyard.

While logging all of the artifacts, he hears the spirit (The SCP) talking to him.

Is this what is going to be in the interview or is this just part of a discovery log?

The SCP says that he's at unrest because of how much the Native Americans are taken advantage of.

Two things here: 1) Is this just some random person or is this some important historical figure? Either is fine, but if it is just some random person who has come back as a spirit I'll want a little bit more of why they came back. Some justification of the history of the spirit is good practice for any ghost story but especially so when avoiding the trope of "one member of this community speaks for all of the community just by virtue of being in the community". and 2) I recommend picking some specific aspects of unjust treatment in order to avoid falling into the trap of the ghost being mad about EVERYTHING and trying to describe all the things that are problematic in society in your interview logs.

The curator starts selling anomalous cigars (Produced by the SCP), when smoked, the smoker goes through an insanity process, they start hearing the spirits of fallen Native American warriors screaming at them. These ghosts influence the smoker to kill their friends and families. (Idea of the effects of the cigars is still in progress)

It might help to tighten this part up a bit too to fit your narrative. Perhaps it only effects those with ancestors who wronged the SCP's community. Maybe it has different effects for different groups of people.

Overall: Your proposal is presenting the narrative/commentary of the unjust treatment of Indigenous communities. If this is true, I suggest writing down what aspects you are commenting on and what statement you are making through this SCP. I think that would be an important part of your proposal statement above

Keep going! You're getting there!

-Brian

Last edited on 19 Sep 2020 16:28 by Pedagon Show more

Re: *Seeking Greenlights* SCP-XXXX - Native American Spirit

Vecter Specter 19 Sep 2020 17:16

Hi again! I went over this with my partner and we came up with a few more ideas to clear some things up.

1. The SCP is the ghost Pocahontas's husband, John Rolfe.

2. The ghost is angry because of the time John Smith took her to England, and she died there from a sickness.

3. Maybe the cigars will only effect people with English heritage.

4. We had an idea where after a few hours of smoking the cigars, war paint would begin to imprint on the smoker's flesh, unable to come off.

Thanks again for the crits.

Re: *Seeking Greenlights* SCP-XXXX - Native American Spirit

Pedagon 22 Sep 2020 03:14

Hey again!!

These sound like positive advancements in the idea! Don’t forget to edit your proposal post as you develop your idea since a greenlight will be to greenlight the idea as written above!

I think you’ve found a narrative to work from so I now just need to see how you will be going about presenting these elements in an SCP article. What is your plan of how you will teach your reader about your anomaly and narrative?

Additionally, as it is a reference to history and cultures I do recommend reaching out to some of our history experts to get their take on your narrative once you update your proposal! The two I think will be most helpful are HarryBlank and react0rman.

Fantastic growth!

-Brian

Last edited on 22 Sep 2020 05:22 by Pedagon Show more

Re: *Seeking Greenlights* SCP-XXXX - Native American Spirit

Vecter Specter 22 Sep 2020 19:29

Hiya! I'm planning on first introducing the haunted peace pipe, and the spirit haunting it from the containment procedures, until the end of the description, where they mention the curator. And then an interview log takes place, explaining how the spirit first got into contact with him, and its motives. Hope this gives you an idea on how I want to structure this article.

Re: *Seeking Greenlights* SCP-XXXX - Native American Spirit

Pedagon 24 Sep 2020 05:57

Hey!

I swear I’m not ignoring you! I just have no access to reliable wifi until Friday. Will give more crit and feedback on Friday!!

-Brian