Teen Clones

Summary:

1800 words, character-focused

Teen Clones

Raddagher 10 Sep 2020 17:02

http://scp-sandbox-3.wikidot.com/raddagher

Hey all, here are some specific things I'm trying to fix

• is there Enough(tm)? I try to keep things short and sweet but idk
• themes coming across okay I hope?
• I don't think I like the format of the attached documents, any input on that will be hugely appreciated too ._.

SPaG/technical editing are also always valuable! Thank you!

Re: Teen Clones

Sonderance 18 Sep 2020 05:05

Placeholder! Will crit in a bit.

Alright, here’s my take.

+ show block

First off, I’d like to mention that I’m a fan of the current usage of document titles as exposition. It can be a little obscure in places (32.3’s page in particular gave me pause) but overall I think it’s a really effective and realistic way to depict the overarching world of documentation surrounding these clones.

As for theme, I’m afraid I can’t currently name exactly what the theme is. If I had to guess, I’d say something about how powerful organizations can do cruel things to those who are fully committed to them. Am I anywhere close to hitting the mark?

To respond to your final question, I think what you have here is extremely well-paced. I do think that the theme could be pushed a little further¹, but overall I dig the rhythm and layout of what you have here. One last nitpick, though: why is Rose Hatcher’s overview the only one in the document? What is it about her that earned her this place?

EDIT: It would also, IMHO, be worth pointing out the anomalous element of this project. Cloning isn't exactly an anomalous procedure these days.

If you respond to this comment and would like me to see it, please send me a Wikidot PM, as I will not be notified otherwise.

Footnotes

1. So those as oblivious as me have a chance to figure it out!

Last edited on 19 Sep 2020 05:54 by Sonderance Show more

Re: Teen Clones

PlaguePJP 18 Sep 2020 23:53

Hi! I'm Plague and I'll be taking a look at your draft.

+ Text critique

following their retirement

This can be cut. It's unneeded words after "Retiring Foundation personnel"

Due to the Foundation’s increasingly concerning turnover rates, measures were approved by the O5 Council to ensure the retention of the current leadership as of 1981

Something about this sentence is confusing to me. I think it's the "as of 1981" as it doesn't feel like the correct ending to the sentence.

ranging from Mobile Task Force commanders to Site Directors to leaders of specific projects,

This could be reworded to "randomly selected from throughout the internal Foundation hierarchy,"

+ Overall critique

is there Enough(tm)? I try to keep things short and sweet but idk

I'm willing to say this is fine as is. But you could definitely expand on the changes of the various clones. Especially in that first and fourth interview, including some more detail into Hatcher's loyalty or lack thereof to really make the dissonance between the fourth clone that much more jarring.

themes coming across okay I hope?

Same as Sonderance I don't know what exactly you're going for. However, I think I get the overall gist of the cruel ways of the Foundation/what they would do in a loyalty crisis. This kinda goes hand in hand with my previous point. Wherein you could expand on Hatcher as a person which should make this theme much more obvious.

I don't think I like the format of the attached documents, any input on that will be hugely appreciated too ._.

I don't see an issue with the formatting as it. You could change it if you wanted, perhaps just list them out as you have them in the tabs without the tabs… if that makes sense. I think it's good as is.

Last edited on 29 Sep 2020 13:06 by PlaguePJP Show more