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http://scp-sandbox-3.wikidot.com/ghosterposter
This article has been posted to the main site. thank you to everyone who read this and gave me crit
Proof of green-lights, since this would be my first SCP:
http://scp-wiki.wikidot.com/forum/t-13709085/memetic-spaghetti-advice-book
Hi! I'm Plague, and I'll be taking a look at your draft.
Reading up to the end of "Chapter 3: The Inherent Chaotic Nature of Eating" has a memetic effect on readers.
I'm willing to say this could be cut as you go into a section in the description where you describe the specific part of the book where the memetic effect is triggered.
Those under the influence will find nothing strange in their actions. At this point only food that sticks to a wall when thrown at one will be deemed fit for consumption by the affected persons.
This is unnecessary as you've already previously stated this in prior paragraphs. Comma after point too.
under cooked
Undercooked is one word.
presumably so he could continue eating
This is implied, cut this.
Foundation personnel embedded within the police department heard of the unique circumstances. The subject had no narcotics or illegal substances in his system and appeared completely sane aside from his eating habits.
I'm not sure if this would be enough for the Foundation to hop into containment mode. You need to crank the crazy scales up to 100 here. Maybe a meeting with Shaw and his colleagues where they all end up exhibiting this behavior. That would most likely get the Foundation's attention.
All attempts to locate Chef Hoffman have been unsuccessful at this time.
I'm not sure this successfully wraps up the ending for me. I'll go into that in the overall.
This is a wonderful idea and your draft is about 85% there. There are just a few things that need touching up and/or additions.
There was some pretty good comedy in the discovery section, but after that, it just dwindles out. You should add maybe one more section, possibly of an except of the book, to really drum up that comedic factor. Think of common tropes you see in cookbooks or cooking shows (especially those competition ones) and spin them on their head. There's a lot of room here for some really good parody.
Those final two paragraphs in the discovery section can definitely be cut down to maybe two sentences. You have a small quirk in your paragraph structure where you make them 2-3 sentences long. Sometimes it works, such as the first line of the description, but from a reading POV it's slightly distracting. Maybe that's just me. That said, don't add extra, unnecessary wording to your article. if you think it's fine as-is than keep it.
There are a few clinical tone errors that are slightly distracting. Specifically those final two description paragraphs.
There's no need for that final section to be in a collapsible, just make it an addendum. I'll admit that ending an article isn't my strong suit, however, ending on a more comedic, FU style note to the entire culinary community could do this more justice. Like I mentioned previously, look into common tropes and such to spin on their heads.
thanks for the critique! i'm guessing my paragraph structuring has that pattern because i was trying to break up some paragraphs because i was told they were too chunky. i'll see if i can break the pattern.
as for the discovery, maybe i could have shaw be released and then have an entire dinner party of him and his friends act that way in public? i'll do some brainstorming on that one.
as for the ending i had someone else say something similar, that the ending wasn't quite satisfying and it needs more. i'm working on an excerpt from a guest appearance by hoffman on one of those morning talk/news shows. its not gonna go well lol
i'll keep working on it, irl stuff got in the way a bit but i'm not giving up trying to improve this
Note: I am not a verified critter, and my words are to be taken as such
Hello, basicskipreader here, about to critique your article
All instances of SCP-FOOD are to be confiscated by foundation agents
Remember to capitalize Foundation.
with 2 instances being kept in a secured storage locker on site for study
'2' » 'two', 'on site' » 'on-site'
Chapters 4-5 may be read by personnel with security Level 3
Capitalize 'security'
A webcrawler program will monitor social media for users suspected of exposure to SCP-FOOD
'A webcrawler program' » 'Foundation Webcrawler <insert webcrawler name>'
In my opinion, 'users suspected of exposure' sounds weird. May I suggest changing this to 'users who are suspected to be exposed to SCP-FOOD'
Anyone showing symptoms of the memetic effect
'Anyone showing symptoms of exposure to SCP-FOOD'
appropriate to the level of progression, and monitored for regression.
You might want to remove the comma
SCP-FOOD is a book with a title reading "The Art of Spaghetti" written by Chef Frederick Hoffman
Add a comma between 'Spaghetti' and 'written'
the chapter insists that it is necessary to test a noodle
The chapter puts an undue amount of stress
Although it might feel redundant, in my opinion, you should change 'chapter' to 'book', to make it consistent.
Once an individual has finished the book as far as Chapter 3
I do not know what 'Chapter 3' is referring to; is it the 'throw it at the wall and see if it sticks' part? Please clarify what 'Chapter 3' is
within 3 days of completion
'3' » 'three'
Within 2 weeks their symptoms will have progressed
'2' » two, add comma after 'weeks'.
"see if its done."
"it" » "it's"
Those under the influence will not find their behavior abnormal
You might want to change this to "Those under the influence of SCP-FOOD's effects will not find their behavior abnormal"
taken at the photographers social media presence
photographers » photographer's
The photographer had posted pictures of meals
You might want to mention the name of the photographer, since it sounds weird having 'the photographer' again after you mentioned it in the previous sentence
food thrown at a wall for the week and a half prior to the restaurant opening
'for the week and a half' » 'a week and a half'
its debut 3 1/2 weeks prior
'3 1/2' » three and a half
Upon further review of the career of Frederick Hoffman it has been discovered
You might want to reword this as 'Upon further review of Fredrick Hoffman's career, it has been discovered'
"Richard and Kelly Daily Dose" morning talkshow
talkshow » 'talk show'
Why don't you tell us a bit about it Fred?
Add a comma after 'it'
I'd break a nail eating like that, haha!
You might want to remove the 'haha'. It feels better without it, in my opinion.
I think it's all alot of unnecessary nonsense
alot » 'a lot'
Haha, well, haha, no.
The second 'haha' feels awkward. I advise you to remove it.
I mean its all food, just because its pretty
Both 'its' » "it's"
**Chef H: What?
you forgot to close this double asterisk
The program cuts to commercial, when it resumes,
'The program cuts to commercial. When it resumes,'
Overall, I didn't really find it that funny? I can see that you are attempting some sort of humor here, but I wasn't able to really laugh along with the piece, although I did chuckle at some parts. The dialogue and events felt way too random for my taste, and the banter between Richard and Kelly just doesn't work for me. I can't really comment on the attempts at humor here, but I can appreciate the inherent chaos in here. Who knows, it's probably my bad sense of humor.
The ending of the dialogue between Hoffman and McArthur feels way too sudden for me. I feel like adding one more line talking about how Hoffman is seen as a fool in the chef community might smooth out the transition between the two chefs talking and the audience cheering on McArthur for his epic takedown on Hoffman.
Like what PlaguePJP said, the ending doesn't really land for me. It feels anticlimatic for your article to set up a lot, only to end with "oh, he gone." I did like the author bio, with its callback to the fondant. It's a nice line to close out the piece. I hope you are able to work this one out, and good luck to your draft!
thanks for the critique! and thanks for catching all those grammar errors. Didn't realize I had that many 0.o
I was hoping Richard and Kelly would come off as hosts on one of those kind of obnoxious morning talk shows. like the ones who always interrupt their guests and try to out do each other. i was struggling a bit on how to end the log, i think you're right about it ending a little too abruptly. i think i can come up with a bit more for chef eric to say that'll add to the zing lol
i finally figured out how i wanted to change the ending too. hopefully it hits a little better.
Placeholder! Got summoned via PM to take a look-see. Will crit in a bit.
Alright, here’s my take.
I’m going to focus on the overall concept and execution here, since other critiquers seem to have the line-by-line and clinical tone oddities handled.
I think that you’ve established the flow of this article really well. You set up the anomaly and its discovery, segue into a log that provides us with a solid view of the chef’s character, and finish off by connecting the two in a humorous twist.
In terms of content, I think what you’ve included here hits the spot1. The television log might be a tiny bit too long, but it doesn’t drag too much. The humorous aspects are well-handled without delving into -J territory and your dialogue feels realistic. Disregarding the minor tonal issues mentioned by other critters, I’d upvote this if I read it on the mainlist.
Note: Not a pro reviewer, just here to practice critique.
Fair warning: it's extremely easy to make me laugh. Let's see if I can provide any useful crit regardless.
Probably extremely obvious, but your image isn't working.
SCP-FOOD is a book titled "The Art of Spaghetti,"
First chuckle.
The first chapter of the book describes how to cook spaghetti noodles.
Note: Not a clinical tone pro. I'll try my hand at it regardless.
I think this would read better as, 'The first chapter of SCP-FOOD is an in-depth tutorial on cooking spaghetti.'
I laughed just typing that, mind you.
Also, SCP-FOOD has me grinning ear to ear.
Just an extreme heads up for how easy it is to make me laugh.
Near the step where one would normally drain the noodles, the chapter insists that it is necessary to test a noodle by throwing it at a wall to see if it sticks.
This reads strangely. It feels a bit off.
Maybe try,
"Instead of draining the noodles post-cooking, the first chapter insists that they should instead be thrown at a wall in attempt to 'make it stick.'
If the spaghetti sticks, it claims the spaghetti is now done and ready to be drained.
Try 'Chapter 1 claims that the spaghetti is ready for draining if it sticks to the wall.'
Note: Saying that anything 'sticks' to anything feels unclinical, but I'm not 100% sure. Again, not a clinical tone pro.
eating food "without pomp and circumstance, the way it was meant to be."
I feel like there be a comma after food and before the quoted phrase.
see if its done.
It's*
It's = it is
Its = possessive
Within two weeks, their symptoms will have progressed to a point where the person will feel compelled to throw a portion of everything they eat at the nearest wall to "see if it's done."
This. Made me chuckle a little.
and eating food off the wall does not appear to cause harm.
Try
'and are unharmed when they eat food off the wall.'
Mr. Shaw had posted pictures of meals exclusively consisting of food thrown at a wall for a week and a half prior to the restaurant opening.
More chuckles.
Many of the comments on the wall-food pictures were seemingly unfazed by the change in content.
Try
'Many of the commenters on Mr. Shaws social media accounts were seemingly unfazed by the changes in the contents of the images.'
I think that would be an improvement. I'm not 100% confident, but the 'wall-food' part of your version seems strange in a scientific document.
Chef H: I prefer Frederick actually, I think it suits me, haha.
I'm personally not a fan of using 'haha' for transcripts. I feel like <chuckles> or (chuckles) would be better. Feels more professional, I believe.
Kelly: Sounds messy's more like it! I'm guessing it's not a jacket required typa' place! I just know I'd break a nail eating like that!
Probably not what you're going for and this comment is probably not that important, but reading 'typa'' from this woman's dialogue makes me think she'd end of all of her -ing words with -in' instead.
Know what I'm sayin'?
I felt some kind o' accent just from 'typa.''
Maybe it's just me.
Ignore this comment if you wish.
with younger crowd, ay Fred?
I feel like, ' 'ey Fred?'
Would work better.
Or 'Eh' depending on what you're going for.
Another nitpick.
My aim is to break down those walls, and let people enjoy food without all the fluff.
I see what you did there.
half-baked chef,
Again. I see what you did there.
Art belongs on the wall, not on a plate."
Again with this.
Overall, I got fewer chuckles from this than I would have liked.
The interview transcript went on for a lot longer than necessary and the surprise guest star didn't entertain and seemed like a waste of time.
The dialogue was well-written, but failed to get any reaction.
I think the concept is hilarious, but the execution was very meh.
If a comedy-centric piece fails to garner any laughter, it's not doing its job. Sorry, my friend.
On that note, I definitely do love the concept. It's just so…silly.
You got a few chuckles from some of the sillier parts of the Description. Try to hone in on what worked there and see if you can incorporate this into the rest of your piece.
I hope I helped.
Good luck, friend!
o7
-Quadraginta
I'm not gonna do a line-by-line as I think most other people have it covered, and the grammar is definitely already well kept.
I'm gonna contrast what some of the people here have said, I actually think it's decently funny. The imagery of someone flinging a single noodle at a wall and it sticking, and slowly falling off as onlookers are entirely confused made me laugh a little.
Overall, I think the article is almost on-point with the only issue being humor is subjective and some people clearly haven't taken a liking to it, but I did. It was moderately funny, well-paced and the dialogue was very human, the hosts being unlikable kinda adds to his distraught and nothing stuck out like a sore thumb. I think I'd personally give an up-vote if I saw this article, as the humor is more up-my-alley. The only thing I might change is "Art belongs on the wall, not on a plate." to "Art belongs on a canvas, the wall is my canvas." or something similar because art doesn't naturally belong on a wall, and I think you could easily compare a wall to a canvas.
All in all, good job. I'm one to upvote pieces like these, even if some other people aren't a fan of the humor.
