Darya "Frostbite" Zima is a 5' 7" tall Russian female human mutant due to a genetic alteration and is capable of cryokinesis
The phrasing here is a bit awkward. We can reasonably deduce that she is human, and the second half of the sentence is just a touch off. Perhaps something like, "… Is a 5'7" genetically altered Russian female capable of cryokinesis."
Although, if that sounds too clinical, you can ignore it.
I can understand making it more clinical, but I'd like to have the stuff written by this specific Nobody to be more casual since I didn't really imagine this specific Nobody as a scientist and I like to think that this specific Nobody likes to collect information.
Once Frostbite escaped, I asked her why she was going to be terminated and what was her scenario.
I feel like you can cut this off after 'why she was terminated'. "What was her scenario" doesn't flow very well.
That's fair. I think I meant "what was her scenario" to be "what her scenario was."
Frostbite replied with saying that she was practicing her powers
"Frostbite told me that she was practicing…" Sounds a bit better than "she replied with saying"
I think that does sound better too.
I began by asking her how she got her powers and she told me that she was born with them since she's a mutant due to a genetic alteration
This is a very clunky sentence, and part the lore behind her was previously established when you stated that she was genetically altered. You've said it again here, which does not carry us forward.
I think I put that there as a way for Nobody to know how Frostbite got her powers. Maybe I can replace that with a sentence or two saying that Nobody got this information from the GOC Casefile for Frostbite or imply that he did.
The next question I asked Frostbite was why she was practicing with the Circus and was with them.
Again, we can infer that Frostbite was with the Circus because you've established so earlier in the article. The second half of the sentence (and was with them) is unneeded.
I meant for the "and was with them" to be "and why she was with them", but I thought it would sound weird if I did it like that.
She replied with that she was trying to get better with her powers and the Global Occult Coalition discovered her and that I know the rest.
There are one too many 'ands' in this sentence.
That's fair. I'll see what I can do.
she just coldly replied that she'd rather not talk about it.
Nothing really wrong with this. Just wanted to ask if this was a pun or not.
I used 'coldly' there since it's the first word I thought of to describe how she replied and I believe I realized the pun very shortly after I planned to use 'coldly'. Also, I believe I was thinking of putting 'No Pun Intended' or something like that there, but opted not to.
She noted that she doesn't even really know what they were looking for when they discovered her.
Given that this is implied in the previous sentence, I feel like it is unnecessary.
I'll remove that sentence.
I feel like the ending really ties this whole thing together quite nicely.
However, the bit with Herman Fuller's circus at the end is a very suitable ending for me.
That's good. I hope I was able to explain Frostbite's reasoning well in the version you read.
Despite not knowing anything about Nobody, I was able to pick up on his ability rather easily.
I'm glad that I was able to convoy Nobody's anomalous ability well.
I'm really not sure of the grammar stuff I pointed out previously is a part of the writing style or not, so disregard it if it is.
I think the writing style was mostly because of how I wrote the draft for critique.
