Hello, author, Pighead In. Let's take a look at your idea.
Elevator Pitch : OK, so this pitch is not inherently bad but I don't feel hooked into your pitch. It's a pretty common story that I see here : human person who discover that they have special abilities after a bad thing who happen to them (here, bullying… and I note that bullying is something who is used often in this type of narratives) and then, shit happens. I don't know, it really feels like the part of a pitch I've already seen somewhere else in fiction. At least, in an X-Men movie or in a novel. And even if the two characters seem pretty interesting, the pitch don't really hook me that much.
Central Narrative : The big part. And I feel, in fact, even less hooked than I was for the pitch. It's really something that I'm sure I've seen in some movies before. Person A's life change because they have now abilities and, even in containment, they want precise things. Person B manage that and shows empathic behavior but is forced to face anger of Person A, who refuse to do anything after facing a deny of a request. So, Person B decide to change that and talk to the higher-ups and succeed in their goal. Person A is satisfied.
That's all. And it really looks like something you can see on a movie or on a TV series (but a pretty melodramatic one). So… nah, not really a fan at all.
Hook : Well, there's not really much to say, but I don't really agree that this type of behavior from the Foundation is what we can call "very cruel". I mean, I understand where you come from with this one, but this is, in fact, pretty normal for the Foundation. They are cold, not cruel. They just can't show empathy because they don't know if an entity can use this sympathy for backstabbing them, for example (it's something who can happen in general). In fact, there's multiple reasons of why they generally can't. Not relevant to the story, but I wanted to say that.
And that's all for me. No greenlight. Y'know, the characters are pretty interesting, but the narrative in general is not really appealling for me, don't really hook me. Plus, its format as an SCP article led me to believe that it can be a great disservice to the article. Here's a personal idea I can suggest you :
Scratch all the narrative and keep Elizabeth and Yosef only and make a Tale with them. I personally imagine the latter not as a Foundation scientist, but as a sort of "independant" doctor who have no ties to any big organization and who do his thing on his own, who have knowledge of the anomalous and who deals each day with patients who have the same type of anomalous things Liz has. It could be perfect for develop them, explain why Yosef have this robotic hands and why he's so empathetic to people like Liz. It's my suggestion, feel free to follow it or not but, in all cases, the current narrative, I'm not a fan.
For the rest, it's all for me, Pighead Out.
As a courtesy to our readers on mobile devices, please collapse long posts. ~Zyn
