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I struggled with the word count here If you have any questions about these specifics please ask and I will answer them.
Seeking Greenlights: Yes
Page Type: SCP Article
Genre: Horror, Partial Cosmic Horror, Gore
A human woman's body and mind are turned into a vessel for a god by a satanic blood cult hellbent on creating their own twisted version of humanity.
Radical Catholics break off from the church, disgruntled about the state of the church and the current pope. They believe that the church has become corrupted by greed and pride, going so far as to accuse the church of lying and questioning the validity of the bible.
Exiled by the Pope, they set out to find their one true god and to enact it’s will. Thus they named themselves “Servants of the One True God”.
Their fanatic ideals and constant praying attract the attention of a higher dimensional entity.
This entity is directly influenced by the Servant’s will for vengeance against the church and the reformation of the church under their guise.
The entity is unable to distinguish between the church and the rest of humanity. So it believes that the Servants desire vengeance against all of humanity.
It begins to communicate with the high priest of the Servants, Mundy Nomen through images of what it sees as vengence. Namely violence, blood shed as well what it sees as reformation, the rebirth of Jesus Christ.
These images lead Mundy to believe the entity requires the sacrifice of their bodies in order to be reborn into our world and enact it’s vengeance upon the church. So he and his followers create a 6 part ritual in order to summon their one true god.
They create 6 stone platforms. On each stone platform a different blood ritual if performed.
First, a woman cuts out her placenta
Second, a man castrates himself
Third, 6 men castrate themselves before consuming the remains
Fourth, 6 women mutilate eachother. One woman offering 1 limb going in this order. Arm, Arm, Leg, Leg, Head, Placenta. Those that survive consume as much as they can.
Fifth, 3 men 3 women commit mass ruital suicide by slitting their own throats.
Sixth, A woman no older than 20 is force fed the remains of each sacrifice
All of this takes place while chants are spoken by the Servants begging their god for venegance against the heretics
Ritual is successful and god begins enacting it’s vengeance upon surrounding humans, consuming them and birthing humanoids made of blood.
Foundation discover entity and capture it.
Hook: The interactions between a "god" and it's followers
Author, as per the Ideas Critique required reading: http://www.scp-wiki.net/forum/t-13095662/required-reading:how-to-use-this-forum-ideas the last four sections of the template (Elevator Pitch, Central Narrative, Hook/Attention-Grabber, and Additional Notes) should not exceed 400 words. What you have here is almost 40 words over the limit.
Hi Mr. Screamur!
Note that I am a new user myself and thus do not have greenlight privileges yet. You can contact experienced reviewers like members of the Butterfly Squad. The roster can be found at Butterfly Squad Roster. With that being said, I will still offer some criticism.
Firstly, though others may disagree, I personally am against the idea of calling the SCP a "god". For example, SCP-343 is nicknamed "God" but it is not explicitly stated that he is truly a deity. Skips are defined as "individuals, entities, locations, and objects that violate natural law". In many mythologies, the gods/goddesses are responsible for creating the natural world and thus the natural laws are often set by them. Therefore, their divine powers in a sense are "natural" and do not violate natural law. Otherwise, all of the deities in traditional mythology (Greek, Chinese, Shinto, Egyptian, Aztec, Roman, Hindu, Abrahamic Religions, etc) could be considered SCPs in one way or another. You do mention that is is based on Celtic religion so this may or may not be a problem in itself…
Taking a look at your pitch, it seems very similar to the sacrifices performed by the Aztec Empire, though definitely not identical. I also find it strange, if the SCP is truly a god, that it even needs a human host. I find it even more surprising that this random mortal girl is able to challenge the will of a "god". I suggest you explain in further detail why a "god" needed to bond with the girl's soul and who its "followers" are. It seems illogical that a god that causes a person to sacrifice their limbs would have followers if it can only control someone in its visual range. And if only the souls are combined, how would one feed it? Why does it need to create a humanoid?
If it is not fed and allowed to create one of these humanoids it will shift itself to one of 5 sites created by the cult where they will offer it sacrifices. If the sites are empty it will shift to a random location on earth.
How would this be possible if the SCP can only stand still when there is no human in front of it? There are a lot of plot holes that can come out of this.
Taking a quick look at your central narrative, it is practically only about how the SCP Foundation came to know about it. I suggest you focus and elaborate more on what happens afterwards. Like, if this entity was truly a "god", how would the Foundation be able to contain it? How would it react to being contained? Anyways, I'll still give some feedback on it.
The narrative starts off with a woman on vacation in Ireland. Then, you mention that she stays at a farmhouse to avoid a storm. Then, the cult finds her. There are quite a few things that need to be explained, most notably how did the cult find her in the farmhouse? Are they the farmers? Why would they be searching for people during a storm?
The narrative continues with the cult basically sacrificing everybody. If the cult sacrifices themselves in the end, why would they need to sacrifice somebody else? How do the survivors survive and why do they not continue to sacrifice themselves? What makes them stop? Afterwards, the GOC somehow finds about and locates the cult. More issues arise here. Why does the GOC execute the entire cult? If the SCP only requires to be fed once per year, how would the GOC not feed it in time?
To conclude, there are quite a few places that could be better explained or elaborated. I suggest you focus more on what happens next than the initial discovery while also addressing these issues in the "discovery log".
Anyways, I suggest you contact a member of the Butterfly Squad to have it looked at by more experienced eyes. Good luck!
Yeah you see this is what I was talking about in my additional notes where I said I had issues expressing all the details of the SCP in 400 words. So I'll walkthrough each of your points as I do reasons for my creative decisions. I made quite an extensive plan before posting this template that exceeded 1000 words.
First, when I say god I mean the SCP universe's version of gods. Simply a being that exists on a higher dimensional plain that is able to communicate with and influence our world. Think of SCPs like the Deer (SCP 2845) or the Cicada (SCP 3004). This "God" is only called that by the cult that worships it and not the foundation. It only believes itself to be a god because the Cult believes it to be so. Now the reason it needs a human vessel is because "gods" in their higher form find it extremely difficult to pass down into our world. It would be like us trying to enter a painting. So it needs a vessel from our dimension to properly be able to interact with our world. However, this god in particular is not as powerful as an entity like that of SCP 1915 (The stars don't wait for you version) where it's full power is useable through the mortal vessel. This is because 1, the cult who performed the ritual to turn the girl into the vessel didn't do it completely properly resulting in some of the will of the girl to still be present, 2, because of this the god was only able to send a partial fragment of it's essence into the vessel. So the soul of the body was basically split in two between the girl and the god. Or if you like the consciousnesses were roughly split between the two. This why the girl is able to partially resist the god's will but obviously not completely or she would have full control. This idea is played upon after the foundation capture the SCP they are able to find a way to shift this balance temporarily allowing the god or the girl to take majority control for a short time.
Now let me explain fully the powers of the SCP and my justifications for why they operate the way they do. The reason why the SCP is only able to effect people in it's visual range is due to the fact that "gods" do not view the world in the same way as we do. When it is in it's dimension all it knows are what the cult offers it, that being blood, violence and people. So when part of it is inside the human vessel, the vessel basically acts a relay. Allowing the god to enact partial amounts of it's will into the world. As the eyes are the only way a human body sees the world, all the god is able to see of the world in the same way we do is through the eyes of it's vessel. Thus why it can only effect human in it's visual range. So this is not a limitation of the god itself but a limitation of the human body. When the cult sees this limitation they see it this way too and it only further spurs them on to continue with their plan.
Now for the Cult itself. The cult's name as of now is a work in progress, so let's just call them "the cult". The cult believe that humanity in it's current state are flawed, specifically they believe that we have become vain and arrogant because of our free will and autonomy. The cult sees how we change our scripture and make up new gods which they see as fake and believe that to be a result of arrogance. In the minds of the cult they believe that humanity's natural state is servitude of a higher being. This belief eventually attracted the attention of the god and it latched itself onto their beliefs. In it's attempts to communicate with the cult it would send them images of what it associated with their beliefs. Namely images of war, violence and oppression as during the time the cult was founded war was very common and extremely bloody. Due to this the cult started to believe the god demanded blood sacrifices, so once every year on a specific date the cult would perform a ritual blood sacrifice. One woman of the cult would sacrifice an arm and a leg by self mutilating. While one man of the cult would castrate himself and sacrifice his manhood. So only 2 people a year, not all at once like I'm assuming you thought I meant. These sacrifices heavily influenced the god's perception of the world and associated blood with oppression and oppression with the natural state of humanity. As were the cult's beliefs. So when the cult is making a vessel for the god they alter the anatomy of the human body (the SCP) to enact this will. This why after the girl is fused with the god she is able to asexually reproduce by consuming the limbs of women and gentiles of men. The creatures she gives birth to are what the cult and so what the god see as the perfect form for humanity. A body made of blood and flesh entirely obedient to the will of the god. The original intent for the vessel was that the god would be able to move freely and essentially spread this across the whole world. Turning all of humanity into these creatures. So when the cult see that they have failed to properly transfer their god into the vessel they keep it contained away while they attempt to fix this mistake.
Now I would like at elaborate more on the girl herself. First of all she isn't on a holiday, she lives there. Secondly this part of the narrative takes place in the past, the exact time I'm not sure of yet but it would be somewhere between the 5th century CE and the 12th century CE. The girl is based off an ancient Celtic song about a girl who falls in love with a famer's son and is torn between staying with him or going back to her family as she knows that if she doesn't return her family will kill him for taking her. So she begs him to let her return as she is. This song will play a part in the narrative when the foundation have the SCP in containment, being the means of how they are able to shift the balance of control between the girl and the god temporarily. Which allows for brief interview logs with the girl that give the reader's insight into how the SCP was created.
Now on the GOC. When the GOC discover the cult and the SCP they do so a week before the ritual sacrifice needs to be performed in order to keep the SCP in one spot. The GOC's main priority is to exterminate the SCP and protect civilian lives. They don't know what the SCP does all they know is that the cult is in possession of something anomalous. When they come to take the SCP the cult fights back to protect what they see as their god and are prepared to die for it. So that is why a majority of the cult is killed by the GOC. The reason the GOC don't feed the SCP is because once they have it they were only concerned with killing it. On top of the fact that they did not have enough time to properly learn about it through the cult's records. While the GOC only had a week to figure out how the SCP worked once the Foundation is able to obtain it they have an entire year. Thus how they are able to keep it contained while the GOC wouldn't.
I thought I would also briefly touch on why the SCP can shift (teleport). The SCP is a means for the god to enact it's will. It's will is to spread what it sees as a purification of humanity. It is bound to an annual cycle so if on the date that it has associated with sacrifice it does to receive one it will seek one out. Thus why it shifts itself into a populated area like Tokyo. Now the cult were able to control this by erecting the 5 sites across Ireland. These structures were basically big stone platforms carved with symbols they associated with the god and their own beliefs in order to control where the SCP would shift to if they were to ever lose it. Which they did the first time it shifted as they were not aware it could. Thus why they made the platforms, to get it back. The platforms only work if a willing sacrifice is present at the platform. If there is none the SCP will not be able to shift there as it is only shifting in order to find sacrifices for it's purpose of spreading it's "purity" through the world.
Now I'm not disregarding you feedback as I am aware the template needs to be changed as to properly reflect these ideas. I'm just showing that the issues with the template are more from me struggling to properly explain all of this in 400 words. So your feedback has helped in showing me what details are not obvious in it's current state.
Contacted through PM
Greetings! I hope you're doing alright!
Let's take a look at your concept, shall we?
Usually, I write my critiques in two main points: The SCP and the narrative. But I feel that kind of format won't work for this one, so I'll approach my critique differently. Without further ado, let's begin.
First and most important, your elevator pitch is hard and complicated; it's tiring to read. Summarizing, it's a deity fused with a woman soul, that's the only thing we should know about it. The ritual, cult, and many other aspects should either go in the narrative, or answer them in a critter's post. If you want to summarize your concept (which you should), I recommend you use the following sentence used by Doctor Cimmerian:
Tell me your whole SCP idea (not just the anomaly, the whole thing. Story and all.) in one sentence with the only punctuation being a comma and a period.
Another thing and this works a lot: Keep it simple. And like I said before, we don't want to know every single detail about the SCP, we want to know the general idea. It must have a low complexity and a high depth. The following guide is very useful in this topic: The Journey of Your First SCP: Part I - Introduction & Ideation.
Edited because I accidentally pressed the post button instead of preview, here's the rest of critique
What you should focus on is the narrative, since this will be the most important that will determine that your article survives in the SCP Wiki. First, why did the woman came across with the farmhouse? What was she doing there? And why in the night? Like, if we think logically, staying in an unknown place at night isn't the best option you could make (every single horror movie has taught us that). Now, let's talk about the cult. What's the purpose of it? Why do the followers pray for their God? Motives and characterization is an important factor for the execution of a story.
Now, I want to talk about the God itself. How and why is it a God? What's the background and purpose of it? I'm not enthusiastic about the narrative because it's too summarized that it leaves a lot of points behind or untouched. Like I said, focus most on this aspect than the actual SCP.
Overall, this is a confusing and complicated idea that I didn't understand completely. If you manage to fix those issues, contact me through PM. That's all for me.
Thanks for the feedback this has actually helped a lot. I was getting so caught up on trying to explain the SCP that I did overlook the narrative. I'll try rewriting the template with only 1 or 2 sentences on the SCP itself and the rest being focused on the narrative. I did struggle with expressing the narrative properly so this should help a lot with that.
Second review, contacted through PM
Greetings! I hope you're doing alright!
Let's take a look at your concept, shall we?
Well, at least you focused more on the narrative than the SCP itself, so points for that. However, I still have some doubts about it. Without further ado, let's begin.
I want to talk about the SCP itself first. I'm still unsure if it's an actual god, because you said in your narrative that it was a higher dimensional entity; maybe it could be a powerful reality bender, but it isn't a god. If it's a real god, it would be impossible to contain it by the Foundation. Maybe explain more the characteristics and powers of the entity, asides from the blood-related powers. I also came up with questions like: Why was it attracted to the cult? Why it can't tell the difference between the Catholic Church and humanity?
I also wonder about the whole ritual the cult performs. Why do they have to perform all of that? What's the reason for it? Why do they have to that besides being blood-related to the God? Maybe try to explore more on the mythology of the cult, since it would be a combination of catholicism and the Blood God. Also, and this is a very important question: Why should the reader care? What makes your story intriguing to the audience? Every single detail must be important to the story; the Blood God, the woman, the ritual, the cult, everything has to have a reason, which is what your story lacks.
Overall, this is a better-developed idea, but it still lacks a connection and purpose of several points. My recommendation is that you should contact reviewers from the Butterfly Squad Roaster. That's all for me.
Good luck, Comrade!
[Placeholder, summoned by pm, will critique within a few days or so]
Gonna abandon my usual format here. This specific article seems very narrative based, but a lot of the specific narrative details seem to be things that happened prior to Foundation discovery. How do you plan on sharing all the details in the form of an SCP document? You also aren't super clear on what exactly the anomaly is. Is it the woman's body? The ritual? You have a lot of details here, and a lot of them aren't very clear.
As for the actual content, it seems like your standard gorey suicide religious ritual. Nothing special or new in any way. It feels very flat. My advice is to possibly try and find a way to spice it up and move it beyond your average anomalous ritual.
Hope I could help! Good luck!
OK, so I should have made this critique since my return from vacation, so here's my thoughts on this idea.
And let's be honest, I'm not a fan at all of this. The Elevator Pitch is way, waaaaaaay too short and I swear that I've probably seen this "some religious people are too radical, are excommunicated and decide to form and evil cult and do evil and crazy things for the sake of it" pitch in other fiction works. At least, I'm sure that I've seen evil religious cults in fiction and it's not something who clicks at me at all. Why are they judged as radical? Why they want to do what they do (and please, don't use a reason like "They think it's the only way to create a pure world without any sin", it's just cliche and incoherent)? Why the entity is intrested at them and what are its objectives?
This, but also, the part when we see men and women mutilate themselves seems like just gore and shock for the sake of gore and shock and the last part of the narrative looks really like a sort of end-of-the-world movie, but not a good-made one. Apologies if I come as harsh, but for me, this idea doesn't really add nothing new (like Diana said) at the usual "gory religious ritual made by crazy religious fanatics" thing. And I admit that I don't really know how to make it better, so I can only suggest you to just scratch that and try to find a new idea.
But don't be discouraged, it's something common when you are in search of ideas. So, continue to read articles, to hang out with other authors and you will find a good idea, so persevere! And don't forget to ask another authors for reviews (if you're still on it, I'm pretty late on this one). For the rest, that's all for me, Pighead Out.
