SCP by Series
SCP Tales by Series
SCP Library
Discover Content
SCP Community
User Resources
Seeking Greenlights: Yes
Page Type: SCP Article
Elevator Pitch: A bottle of therapeutics full of distinct pills, all colors having an effect on life. The vessel is wrapped in a piece of paper that reads: "VAROVAINEN JA VIISAS" (Careful and Wise in English.) The following list reads what each colored pill can do to someone:
·Red- Subject will mock the movements of the nearest life for unpredictable periods of time.
·Orange- Subject will turn into an immovable statue for 10 hours.
·Light Blue- Subject's mind will enter different dimensions, but their body will stay where they are. These dimensions can vary.
·Dark Blue- Subject's insides will tear apart. However, the subject will be able to use them fine.
·Yellow- Subject screams out of agony, will see everything as terrible memories from their past. Subject dies later after suffering a stroke.
·Violet- Subject will sink through the ground. When they are completely underground, they will rise to the surface as flowers. This effect does not kill the subject. However, the subject won't be sentient.
·Lime Green- Subject will show anger towards life but won't attack them. Their veins will bulge, nearly out of the skin. They will return to their regular behavior as soon as their veins are at the maximum bulging point.
Central Narrative: SCP-XXXX was fabricated by an overqualified pharmacist. The pharmacist had a rival coworker: Mitchell. The pharmacist gained an interest in people's decisions. The scientist spent years of work on the medicine. Mitchell heard about this medicine and criticized it. The scientist's hatred for Mitchell got to him. The scientist went home and told his boss that he had personal issues and would be back in a week. The scientist spent the week on work of making new effects to the pills. The scientist told his coworkers about his medicine. He got back to work and put the yellow pill (pill that causes death) in Mitchell's drink before Mitchell's lunch break. Mitchell consumed the pill and died shortly later. The scientist told his coworkers about his medicine. The police found that Mitchell's veins showed narcotic traces. The police also found that every chemical with narcotics involved traced to the scientist's yellow pill. The scientist was arrested and interrogated. The scientist didn't respond during the interrogation. The scientist killed himself after being sentenced to life in prison.
Hook/Attention-Grabber: The Foundation discovered that the chemicals found in SCP-XXXX's pills are in helpful medicines after an experiment log.
Additional Notes: Feel free to absolutely destroy my hopes, dreams, and self-esteem with your critique.
Ahh, I forgot to put a period after "The man did not wear gloves, nor were there any gloves in the cabin"
There is a button next to the reply: "options" if you press it, the "edit" mini menu will appear.
Disclaimer I can't give greenlights. I'm not a certified critter either.
200█. The bookshelf had nothing on it other than the medicine. Beside the ledge, lied a middle-aged man unconscious. It was then determined, approximately four to six minutes after the body was discovered, that the man had recently passed away. The previous owner of the cabin at the time, █████ ████████, had departed from Nunavut before SCP-XXXX was found by law enforcement.
I'm not sure about the "censored" thing, I mean this is place to pitch ideas, I don't think the article you are trying to pitch is gonna benefit from it. Remember people want to grasp the idea of what you are trying to convey, censoring irrelevant information doesn't help.
lied a middle-aged man unconscious. It was then determined, approximately four to six minutes after the body was discovered, that the man had recently passed away.
This is weird, how did they know he was unconcious?, I mean, any forensic team will report the cause of death first.
I looked carefully in your pitch, but I can't find the anomaly. I don't want to sound harsh, but it's weird. There have been so many cases of people found druged with "unknown" chemicals, in some cases the causes of death are impossible.
Authorities finally concluded that the male died of a drug overdose from SCP-XXXX, two days after the cadaver and cloaked bottle were found. SCP-XXXX was then taken away by the police.
Which authority? The FBI?, The police? Homeland? I mean I can't see the anomaly in this article. You even stated:
SCP-XXXX was then taken away by the police.
So… Is this really an SCP article? or a police case?
Sorry if I sound mean, it's not my intention perhaps this crit may help you.
Hope this helps!
Thank you for giving your thoughts.
how did they know he was unconscious?
1. I'll change that because it did seem a bit clumsy.
Which authority? The FBI?, The police? Homeland? You even stated: SCP-XXXX was taken away by the police.
2. I understand what you mean by the "What authority" thing. I'll be sure to change that.
Thank you for your help!
Hello DrIrrelevence! let's take a look :)
The secrets of the desert:
The concept:
Elevator Pitch: A clear bottle of therapeutics full of distinct pills, all colors having a particular effect on life. The vessel is wrapped in a crumpled, shabby piece of paper that reads in a scribbled, messy fashion: "VAROVAINEN JA VIISAS" (Careful and Wise in English.) The canister possesses fifty-three pills. The following list reads what each colored pill can do to someone:
Collapsible
·Red- Subject immediately falls down and dies.
·Orange- Subject loses eyesight for 30 minutes
·Light Blue- Subject loses balance and hearing, becomes color blind, gets confused for an hour
·Dark Blue- Subject cries uncontrollably and becomes mute
·Yellow- Subject screams out of agony, shortly dies after the pill is consumed.
·Violet- Subject falls asleep for years.
·Lime Green- Subject’s eye veins extends to the front of the eye after a while suffers gangrene and dies shortly laterThere are eight red pills, twelve orange pills, six light-blue pills, seven dark-blue pills, seven yellow pills, six violet pills, and seven lime-green pills.
Overall, this feels like a "thing that does a thing" (at least to me). As I'm not given much insight into what its purpose could be, why the colour of the pills matter, why the name is important and how the Foundation interacts with it as a whole. Currently The idea feels fairly flat and bare bones due to the effects taking being at the forefront of the idea. -What about this concept give it an edge, what sets it apart from the likes of other medicine related skips? what makes me as reader care about it?
There isn't much here that really grabs my attention, or keeps it for that matter, as the effects (which the pitch and narrative seem to rely on) themselves are fairly overused/cliched imo. In the context of this pitch, They come off as a way to 'raise the stakes' in order to keep audience attention. The pitch doesn't really have much else going for it, which makes the whole "it kills you part", feel like the main focus/attention drawer.
The narrative:
Central Narrative: SCP-XXXX was detected in a small, isolated cabin in the north-western region of Nunavut on the third story of a wooden bookshelf in early 200█. The bookshelf had nothing on it other than the medicine. Beside the ledge, lied a middle-aged man. The police attempted to wake the man up, but the attempt failed. The previous owner of the cabin at the time departed from Nunavut before SCP-XXXX was found by law enforcement. The corpse was examined, and so was the can of pills. The man's veins had shown clear traces of narcotics and medication. It was eventually learned that the traces of narcotics in the man were the same chemicals the capsules possessed. The police finally concluded that the male died of a drug overdose from SCP-XXXX, two days after the cadaver and cloaked bottle were found. SCP-XXXX was then taken away by the police.
The narrative itself doesn't feel like much of story imo, it sounds closer to that of a discovery log. There isn't much of a resolution or middle act, there only really seems to be a setup. The lack of a strong conflict is also a concern of mine, as the story doesn't build up to anything, it more so feels like a series of events at the moment. -Do note that ongoing attempts to contain something isn't a strong enough conflict to carry the article.
I'm unsure of where the Foundation is in all of this, as they don't seem to be mentioned at all, its anomalous effects aren't really even discovered (its only taken into police custody). Considering they are the ones writing the article, I would imagine that they found out about the skip, found a reason to test it… tested it, and then write out what they learnt from it, and how it will be kept ect. ect. -The current story doesn't seem to include these events whatsoever, which makes the story unfinished.
Overall, the narrative didn't keep my attention as there wasn't much of a tone. The characters themselves and/or the skip didn't make me question or feel anything, which makes the story/article as a whole feel a little bland. I Would recommend you try start to think about how you want the audience to feel by the end of the article, and how you would go about conveying that emotion.- Its much easier to keep engagement and attention, when the audience becomes emotionally invested in the article.
Hook:
Hook/Attention-Grabber: Although the man took the medicine, there were no fingerprints or marks indicating that the man touched it. There were also no found marks or fingerprints on the man that didn't come from his DNA. The man did not wear gloves, nor were there any gloves in the cabin This discovery warranted the police to search throughout Nunavut to find the culprit. The search for the offender has not yet concluded, nor has there been any progress since the investigation began.
This doesn't really grab my attention, I'm not getting any other insight into the skip or any possible origins/purposes. It more or less feels like there is an extra 'mystery' being added in to keep attention on a fairly underwhelming concept. Why is this important? how does this part specifically fit in wit the rest of the skip?
Red or green?
Due to my afore mentioned concerns, no Greenlight. -I would recommend you expand on the skip more in general, try looking at a possible origin (do note that it doesn't need to be super detailed, subtly can work well), an inherent purpose, strong interactions with the Foundation and more compelling effects, that don't rely on killing to be interesting. As for the narrative, I would like to see more on how it was found by the Foundation, why it was tested and what was learnt from it. This sounds like the beginnings of something fairly strong, I look forward to seeing future renditions.
If you would like me to give this (or any concept) further advice/feedback, then feel welcome to shoot me a PM or ask via IRC. response times generally range from 2-12 hours over PMs. If your looking for additional critiques in general, then I couldn't recommend the Butterfly squad more:)
Cheers,
-The Desert
Sorry for not getting to this earlier, some things happened. Anyway, thank you for helping me. I also look forward to making something better with this skip. Once again, thank you.
Hello DrIrrelevance! let's take a second look :)
More secrets:
Overall:
While the effects are certainly much more varied than before, they feel a bit random? what do these effects have to do with one another? it feels a bit disjointed in that regard, though I do like their distinct qualities, I feel they need more of a link.
-Another issue I have with the effects is their lack of an impact? the effects don't seem to last very long on whoever takes them. Overall the skip doesn't seem to have any real stakes or long lasting impacts on the victims, which makes me loose interest.- Though that could be a more a personal perspective
Narrative wise, The pharmacists motives don't seem to have much of an explanation. He seems antagonistic/mysterious for no real reason imo, along with that, he isn't really referenced or brought up again after the fact. Considering the Foundation would know he manufactured them, wouldn't be in their best interest to detain and question him?
-Another thing I'm noticing in the "discovery"; there isn't much detail/explanation on how the Foundation came across the skip? why would they be so interested in a seemingly non-anomalous conflict, the person who was found dead didn't seem to have anything glaringly obvious going on?
Overall, the narrative feels closer to a discovery log? there is setup here, though no middle act or payoff seems to be present. Personally, the story feels unfinished and a bit un-engaging as there isn't much of conflict either (I'm also not really getting invested emotionally, as there isn't much in the way of character development). What ends up being tested? what is learnt? what happens to the pharmacist? how does the Foundation interact with the skip as a whole?
Red or green?
For now I'm going to hold off on a greenlight.- The concept itself needs more behind the effects, and more stakes involved (make the effects last, what do they make the victims feel in the long term? are they addictive in some way?). Narrative wise, I feel there needs to be a clearer story, with a stronger conflict and resolution.
If you would like me to give this (or any concept) further advice/feedback, then feel welcome to shoot me a PM or ask via IRC. response times generally range from 2-12 hours over PMs. If your looking for additional critiques in general, then I couldn't recommend the Butterfly squad more:)
Cheers,
-The Desert
Hello there! I hope you're doing alright!
Let's take a look at your concept, shall we?
One of the first problems that I see with your concept is the explanation of your SCP. The elevator pitch is too long and complex, filled with unnecessary information that you could later write in your draft. This part should be simple but yet with enough information to interest the audience.
The narrative doesn't interest me, as well. We have a story of a scientist experimenting on its pills with the only motive being just for research. No emotion, no escalation, no climax, nothing for the story to be interesting to the audience. What do you want to tell with this story? What do you want the reader to feel? I'm going to do a little bit of brainstorming to give you a better idea of building a narrative. The story could focus on the scientist with some sort of diary of his experimentation each day, with each entry having a mad scientist vibe. His research would focus on the development and testing of his pills, believing that this would be for the better of humanity, putting him next to the names of brilliant scientists. However, his tests have a side effect that he didn't take into consideration, thus leading to a tragedy for his work and patients. Then the Foundation comes over and takes all his work with him, but jealous and terrified that someone might steal his intellectual property, defends it, and in the end, he dies in a crossfire. This a quick and simple idea that would need better development, but this is just an example. Your narrative needs to have an emotion, escalation, climax, and an ending which will leave the reader satisfied after reading your article. I suggest you read the following guide: Narrative and Originality.
Another important point of the story is the scientist. His purposes and goals are bland, if non-existent. Who is the scientist? What are his goals? What purpose does he have to story besides being related to the SCP? For writing characters, read the following guide: Talk About Writing Characters For A Minute.
Overall, this is an idea which still needs a lot of development. It could've potential, but that's all up to you. That's all for me.
Thank you.
(account deleted)
