The concept:
Elevator Pitch:
Plays "dream sweet in sea major" every time a last member of a extinct sentient species is several minutes away from death.
music will continue to play till a subject passes.
lyrics will be sung in the subjects preferable language.
The signal's origin cannot be traced but is speculated to be from GN-z11 galaxy.
it can only be received on devices that use radio frequencies, and cannot be recorded.
From what I gather, the pitch seems to be hinging on a song that plays when someone passes away. It doesn't sound/feel like much of an anomaly? Considering the way the origins of this "transmission" are addressed, it feels a bit lazy to just say the song plays from a radio and no-one actually knows why it happens or where it comes from. As it more or less comes off as a quick way to make the skip do whatever the narrative needs.
To address the transmissions "origin" -you have listed the farthest galaxy in the known universe as the "source", I'm a little unsure of makes this place important, as it doesn't really seem to relate to the rest of the skip and this location isn't brought up again. Not to mention, radio waves can only travel so fast, I don't think it would be possible to transmit the song 32 billion light years in less a second? considering the song plays in real time?
The narrative:
Central Narrative: An unnamed foundation personnel being the last person remaining after a disaster took place on earth, trapping him in space. After reminiscing and leaving the station, he sit downs as the transmission plays, and passes as the last line of the song is spoken.
I have a problem with the logistics of this, if that is the last person on earth..then who is writing the article? how is the skip being reported on, and how is that specific detail of "the last line finished when the person died" documented?
Other than that, the story seems to lack conveying major events? what exactly is this "disaster", it would need to be pretty severe to kill all of humanity (and the Foundation for that matter), the lack of an explanation makes the pitch feel a bit rushed?- apocalyptic events are very hard to pull off, you might find more success in the story showing the death of another species. As the Foundation would be more or less in tact, and the story would be easier to tell overall.
Furthermore there seems to be a lack of character development. Personally, I don't feel pity for the character as he isn't given much of a personality, what is he reminiscing about, how does that affect him in his last moments? -Currently the story feels more like a way of communicating the skips effects?
Hook:
Hook/Attention-Grabber: The operator of the signal, it's mindful of the subjects and will attempt to comfort subjects Via the transmission. The exact amount transmissions from the operator is unknown but it appears the operator has done this countless times.
My biggest problem is this isn't communicated anywhere else? I want to know more about this entity, what its motives are, why its transmitting messages, how it knows about other life, why it's on the edge of the known universe, why it transmits that song in particular ect. But it's not really brought up anywhere else (considering this is your hook, I would be inclined to believe this entity has a much more prevalent role in the pitch). Overall, it makes to hook feel a bit disconnected from the rest of the pitch, as these questions aren't really addressed or acknowledged? - the only info I really get is on the song?
-A quick question: How is the Foundation aware of the entity being mindful and caring toward the "subjects" it tries to comfort. I'm not sure how that specific detail is learnt and documented, considering the Foundation is pretty much dead (in this stories timeline), and there isn't really a way of communicating with the being in the first place?
Red or green?
Due to my afore mentioned concerns, no Greenlight.- I would recommend you focus more on the entity behind the transmissions and what its motives and such are. As the current rendition of the skip seems to be completely based off the "song".
If you would like me to come back and give this additional feedback, then feel welcome to shoot me a PM.- response times generally range from 2-12 hours, though this could vary in the coming weeks. If your looking for a different take, or different critiques in general, then I couldn't recommend the butterfly squad more:)
-Please let me know if anything here has come off as unnecessarily harsh or aggressive, it will be corrected immediately if the ends up being the case!
