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I've been workshopping this idea for a year now, and while I have my greenlights I can't seem to make the idea stick the landing. Linked below is my most recent re-write, and I would really appreciate any feedback that anyone would be willing to give me. I think I have an idea here that works, but I'm definitely flubbing something in my execution.
Greetings! I hope you're doing alright!
I just want you to know that I don't critique drafts so often, I apologize if it isn't so in-depth or useful. After leaving that note, let's proceed with the critique.
SCP-5336 instances appear to be non-anomalous human individuals
Take away the appear to be since it affects the clinical tone. Use something like "SCP-5336 instances are non-anomalous individuals".
Autopsies of neutralized SCP-5336 subjects have revealed a small
Remove the term subjects to instances. The word subject is for testing.
Within minutes the cadaver will be reduced to [DATA EXPUNGED].
I think it's unnecessary to censor the information if it's important to describe it.
I'll leave the line by line until here. I'm not the most efficient when it comes to grammar. I suggest you listen to other people who are more in-depth in this part. Maybe try to use a grammar app such as Grammarly to check your writing.
I'm not sure about this SCP. It reminds me of SCP-1985. The story is alright, and it's a well developed humanoid SCP, being your first attempt to write one. It makes the reader feel anger or mystery towards it, but escalating the story it makes the reader feel bad about it. However, my main issues are with the unnecessary censorships of information, such as the names or dates. The dialogue of Dr. Winters does feel unprofessional for an SCP researcher. It has many contractions and colloquialisms, so I suggest you fix them. The favorite thing about this draft is the ending. However, I feel it would improve if you erased Addendum-2, and moved the comment after the interview log as a closing statement. Or even better, erase those two as well. I feel that it would leave the reader with a sense of mystery of what happened to SCP-5336-W. I almost forgot, but capitalize the letter instances of SCP-5336, it looks odd.
Overall, this is a draft that I truly enjoyed. It has its ups and downs, such as the unnecessary censorship, or that the narrative could feel a little slow, but I'm sure if you manage to fix those issues you could greatly improve it. Also, add in your post the concerns you might have of the draft so that future reviewers know what to concentrate on. Remember to listen to the other critters, since they're here to help you.
Thanks for the feedback! I've been really starved for feedback, and every little bit helps. You definitely have some points here, that I should address. I think you're right, capitalizing the instances does look a lot better. I also agree that I should rearrange the line about how the instances initially appear to be. In regards to the line about the cadavers, that mostly came about to clarify that these instances weren't bodies that SCP-XXXX-1 are possessing, but utterly alien things to our universe as a whole. So by expunging the data of what it is that these bodies decay into, I was hoping to prompt a response in the reader, leaving them wondering just what in the hell are these things.
I think you really got to the heart of it though, with the way the researcher speaks, and with the ending. Dialogue is the part of this that I think I struggle the most with, and need the most advice on. The close runner-up being the ending. I like the reveal as a concept, and you're right I'm trying to make the reader at once feel sympathy for this entity, but also feel fear for what it might be capable of. I'm just not sure how effective I'm being at getting that across.
I've been really starved for feedback, and every little bit helps.
Have you been reaching out to reviewers1 to request feedback, or using the IRC chatrooms?
I have not as of recently, and I've never made use of any form of IRC chatroom before. I'll look into it.
[Placeholder from PM]
SCP-XXXX instances appear to be non-Anomalous human individuals, ranging from 16 to 65 years of age.
Describe what things are, not what they appear to be. It's subclinical. Also, anomalous shouldn't be capitalised.
in the center of the corpus callosum.
I have no idea what this is. Including a more accessible name/description might be advisable.
There are no markings on the organ, its surface gery-blue in color and perfectly smooth.
Cut the "," and replace it with an "and", or replace it with a semicolon. Also, grey is spelt wrong, and you're missing an "is" after surface.
Within minutes the cadaver will be reduced to [DATA EXPUNGED].
Why is this data removed? What narrative purpose does it serve? Unnecessary redactions/expungements are a quick way to earn downvotes.
It is currently hypothesized that SCP-XXXX-1 utilizes this organ to control instances of SCP-XXXX.
You need to define SCP-XXXX-1 before introducing it like this.
SCP-XXXX-1 is reported to be an extra-dimensional entity residing in a dimension that is currently out of reach of Foundation efforts.
"Of Foundation efforts" is unnecessary here.
While unobserved, SCP-XXXX instances are capable of de-manifestation,
You've already mentioned this. Also, it is unclear if you are referring to the organ or the individual throughout this paragraph.
and a series of unauthorized access
a series of unauthorised accesses
in Foundation Site-██
Why is this information redacted? Similarly to above, it's unnecessary, and in addition, acts as a visual distraction and makes the piece harder to read. This also holds true for basically all of the redactions in this section.
SCP-XXXX-A appeared as a human woman of Hispanic descent, age estimated to be in the mid-twenties.
Describe what things are, not what they appear to be, and that second clause needs to be in full prose.
revealed a two-Week period of time prior to the apprehension of SCP-XXXX-A
Week shouldn't be capitalised.
and if I don't have them on the director's desk by the end oft he day, she's going to have my head.
of the
between his reappearance and subsequent capture,
Capture implies a malicious outside actor. Try "detainment" or "apprehension".
SCP-XXXX-O: No, no it’s nothing so complex as all that. It’s like I said, I’m just one person. What you’ve seen in the past, what you’re seeing now, they’re all just different parts of me.
Dr. Winters: You’re being rather forthcoming today. Why the change in mood? The last few that got caught were considerably less cooperative.
Spacing error
Even when you're as all-Encompassing as I am
Encompassing shouldn't be capitalised.
SCP-XXXX-W: No, it’s fine. All this talking is good for me. Ask away.
Dr. Winters: Your grasp of English is surprisingly strong, considering what you’ve told me of your origins.
Spacing error
I'm unsure how to feel about this. It's competently written in a number of ways, and the dialogue isn't bad, but it feels like something is missing.
I think my main problem is that the story just feels kinda generic. It's not particularly emotive or grabbing to me and whilst it engaged me fine enough, I struggled to really care about the story, the mystery, or the characters. It doesn't feel like this piece really has anything to say or any driving tone or emotion you're going for. This isn't inherently a bad thing if the story itself is quite unique or the characters particularly compelling, but I don't feel like it's either of those things. It's just a bit flat and it didn't really grab me in any notable ways. Perhaps it's just not for me, and please don't take this as damning to your article.
To address more specific issues: the "reveal" of what SCP-XXXX is felt rather forced and too quick to me. I didn't see it coming at all which, granted, made it surprising, but also made it feel rather forced and out of left field. I think this would benefit from 1) being a more gradual realisation (perhaps have Winters begin to piece it together much earlier) and 2) letting the audience get there just before the story does. Putting together a mystery like that yourself can be very satisfying and I think it would help spice this story up a lot to have that element in there.
The ending was also a notable issue for me. It felt particularly flat and unsatisfying and doesn't really pay off on anything from earlier in the narrative. It just kinda tapers off? Like, SCP-XXXX offers to help the Foundation with spying, the Foundation finds a few more instances, and says they're considering doing that. It feels almost like you cut the story in half and left out the most interesting half. If the ending worked as payoff on the established elements of SCP-XXXX's character (their frustration at being trapped, their lack of contact with other beings etc.) or on established story elements, such as their presence within other GoIs, then it would work far better, but as it is, the story just kinda ends. It's like if Star Wars ended after they reached the rebel base, but before the attack on the Death Star.
I'm not sure if I'm really the best person to comment on this draft though, as the general narrative arc just doesn't really interest me. My commentary on the ending and the "reveal", I stand by, but I think the general narrative arc may be better served by commentary from other reviewers.
Firstly, I wanted to thank you for the critique. I'm committed to making this an idea that works, and I really appreciate the help. Thank you for pointing out the grammatical and formatting errors that I had missed. I just want to explain my thought process on a couple of things before I go forward.
in the center of the corpus callosum.
The corpus callosum is the membrane/nerve that connects the left and right hemispheres of the brain.
Within minutes the cadaver will be reduced to [DATA EXPUNGED].
So, my concept here was actually taken from a bit of feedback that I got from my initial posting of the SCP article. Basically, the reviewer then had come under the impression that the XXXX-1 instances were actual humans, and I wanted to add in a few details to explain that they are not human at all. To demonstrate that, I added in the line about the triple-helix genome, and with the expunged data part, the basic idea was that whatever it was that the bodies decayed into were something distinctly unnatural, and possibly dangerous.
While unobserved, SCP-XXXX instances are capable of de-manifestation,
You've already mentioned this. Also, it is unclear if you are referring to the organ or the individual throughout this paragraph.
So, I did make mention that the organ will de-manifest, but here I was referring to SCP-XXXX itself. As that is unclear, I will take another look at this paragraph. Maybe I need to add a subclassification to the organ? Something like SCP-XXXX-ε or something?
I also realize that I may have gone overboard with the redactions, I can go back and knock some of that stuff out.
It doesn't feel like this piece really has anything to say or any driving tone or emotion you're going for.
That is rough to hear. There is a tone that I'm going for, I'm trying to make this entity one that the reader sympathizes with once they find out what it is. I want to impart that feeling of desperation and intense claustrophobia that the entity has onto the reader, while at the same time having the reader recognize what a threat the entity is. I want the reader to feel conflicted, on the one hand understanding the entity's want of freedom, understanding how impossibly horrible its existence really is, but on the other hand I also want the reader to know fear the concept of this thing actually breaking through, as well as to feel some unease about the implications that if this thing has broached out this deal to the Foundation, it may well have done the same for any number of other GoIs.
I think you're right, that the ending is the rough part. I know that the reveal needs to be impactful, but I don't think I've foreshadowed it enough to make it work. It needs to end on some sort of a cliffhanger I think, in order to drive home that point of unease, but without the right payoff, it lacks the punch that I feel it needs to get the real staying power.
Having Dr. Winters start coming to figure things out earlier might help. Maybe add in some documents of some sort detailing, albeit briefly, the entity's efforts infiltrating some of the mentioned GoIs? I'm not quite sure.
That you think the dialogue isn't bad is actually a huge relief. I was really worried about it, concerned as I am that dialogue is my biggest weak point in my writing.
I've clearly got some more work ahead of me, but I really think that this feedback helped. Thank you again for your time.
To demonstrate that, I added in the line about the triple-helix genome, and with the expunged data part,
That's fine and dandy, but the expungement isn't really necessary to get that across that fact, and unnecessary expungements are a good way to earn downvotes.
Maybe I need to add a subclassification to the organ? Something like SCP-XXXX-ε or something?
Perhaps, but be careful to ensure you don't make it difficult to follow or confusing with too many designations to follow.
That is rough to hear. There is a tone that I'm going for, I'm trying to make this entity one that the reader sympathizes with once they find out what it is.
Right, well the problem here then is that we don't get to really see this entity's perspective. Everything we learn about them, we learn through the eyes of the Foundation, so it becomes very difficult to feel or see that emotion. If you really want to convey that emotion, we need to know how the entity feels on a very personal and intimate level, one only really possible to convey by hearing their most intimate thoughts in the regard.
It needs to end on some sort of a cliffhanger I think, in order to drive home that point of unease, but without the right payoff, it lacks the punch that I feel it needs to get the real staying power.
I don't think it necessarily needs a cliffhanger, just some sort of significant payoff. It could just as easily be a reveal of some sort or a major character beat, but yes, whichever way you go, it needs more to that punch.
Having Dr. Winters start coming to figure things out earlier might help. Maybe add in some documents of some sort detailing, albeit briefly, the entity's efforts infiltrating some of the mentioned GoIs?
This wouldn't necessarily be a bad thing to include, but I'd be concerned it would distract from the central character work, and I don't think it's the main thing to focus on fixing now. If the entity's emotions are supposed to be central, that's the first thing you need to fix.
I've clearly got some more work ahead of me, but I really think that this feedback helped. Thank you again for your time.
You're welcome, good luck with it.
[Placeholder - will probably get to this after OCuin]
physiologically indistinguishable from non-Anomalous humans.
I don't believe anomalous is supposed to be capitalized
I'd put a comma after "held"
SCP-XXXX-1 is reported to be an extra-dimensional entity residing in a dimension that is currently out of reach.
While understand what was meant to be done here by putting this below the disclaimer that this was unverified, I still believe the actual descriptor for any SCP and, by extension, any offsets should be the first thing the reader should see when moving onto a paragraph involving said SCP.
As such, I'd move the aforementioned line to the top of the paragraph. If it's awkward, then maybe you could try some sentence restructuring?
‘Escape.’ ‘Trapped.’
Nitpick, but punctuation should be outside the quotations, like "'Escape'. 'Trapped'."
Before anything else, I want to say that the main thing that urked me while reading was the unnecessary redacting.
This is generally frowned upon - it ruins the flow of an article and generally isn't pretty to look at. I understand it isn't important redacting extraneous details, but it takes similar effort to just make up a site number or a name. This isn't something I'll fight you on, but something that'll make many tear you to shreds.
I enjoyed the overall story - it was fun and slightly campy, mainly aided by the ending exposition1.
On that note, however, I feel like the intended effect of the concept, which was the shock of the true machinations of the SCP, didn't get across all that well? I can imagine a couple of reasons why;
First off is everything that leads to the final interview. It just feels like… filler? I completely understand where you were going with them and they feel relevant, but just not that important? Some of that can be attributed to the lack of characterization with the initial interviews - the reason why I liked the final interview was because the two characters had very distinct personalities that played off each other. The initial ones don't have that - it's just a researcher who's "I dun nothin" and not a whole lot else.
And then there's length. While the SCP isn't that long, I'd say it's too long for the ending to quite stick the landing. As I said previously, there's some filler that I just don't feel is important and could probably be cut down on.
Finally, the actual anomaly description doesn't feel like a good fit. It isn't something that's massively relevant to the actual anomaly. I understand it's more of a way to mislead, but it doesn't set great expectations for the reader.
