Why are you doing this

Summary:

an anomalous mollusk consisted of molten silicate minerals

Why are you doing this

theinuite 19 Jul 2020 15:21

an anomalous mollusk consisted of molten silicate minerals. It gets hunted down and finally dies. It then becomes an extremely hostile producer of gas substance critical to homo sapiens

I moved and trimmed your thread summary, since it was taking up extra space in the main forum screen. Try to keep thread descriptions (the text in the little box under the thread title) and titles short so you don't crowd out other authors in the forum listing. ~Zyn

Seeking Greenlights: Yes

Page Type: SCP Article

Genre (Optional): Emotional

Page Layout (Optional): consisting of three types of narratives, first a vague dialogue from the SCP-XXXX's point of view, then a video log of The Chaos Insurgency privates, and the SCP file, with each shown as necessary.

Elevator Pitch:
was formerly; a gigantic snail that consists of molten silicate mineral. its shell is an unknown clear substance, which is incapable of melting. it emerges irregularly in a part of Siberia. The shell is proven to be an excellent material when penetrating inside Earth.

+ show block

is currently; a lake that consists of magma. It produces an anomalous form of gas substance with semi-fluidity which is critical if being contacted via physical touch to homo sapiens, and everything that performs under their control: ex] (remotely controlled drones) for it melts down the protein of humans or whatever material that consists the object in human possession and transforms it into molten silicate minerals.

Central Narrative: Although the foundation contained SCP-XXXX in its habitat, it wasn’t given firm enough security procedures, and the Chaos Insurgency was able to approach it around the security. Because of the shell’s potential, the Chaos Insurgency tries to pry it off and take it. During this event, SCP-XXXX suffers severe damage and tries to crawl away. shortly after, the foundation and Insurgency meet, and a clash happens with the SCP in between. The SCP takes major damage and dies. The body melts down to become a lake of magma, which is extremely hostile to humans.

Hook/Attention-Grabber: the article will be mainly focused on the trial and death of the SCP, partly seen through the SCP’s eyes and thought. The key elements will be stressed on the atrocious and ruthless execution of the humans.

Additional Notes: I’m quite unfamiliar with the details of the aspects of the Chaos Insurgency, so I would appreciate some help regarding that or possibly some other interventions.

As a courtesy to our readers on mobile devices, please collapse long posts. ~Zyn

Last edited on 20 Jul 2020 05:02 by Zyn Show more

Re: Why are you doing this

paperbackstab 22 Jul 2020 21:54

Diclaimer: I am not on the review/greenlight team, I'm merely offering review as a potential reader and science enthusiast

I like some of the ideas here, but I think as a whole this could use some work.

+ Show critique

Elevator Pitch
It's a bit unclear what you're pitching here. As a reader I'm not sure if this is an actual lifeform or just a large structure/statue until the narrative section, so that would be a bit of formatting I would clean up and elaborate on. Thay being said, I think silicon-based lifeforms are an interesting concept, although I believe they ARE used in several other SCPs, such as SCP-553, as it's a semi-common trope in speculative biology sci-fi. However, because of this, it would need more anomalous properties than its silicate makeup to stand out, which brings me to the next part.

I don't really find the properties of the SCP to be very anomalous, as a lot of these effects are found in nature. Of course, not every property of an SCP needs to be anomalous, but does need to be clear to the reader which parts are and aren't anomalous.

1. The inability to melt certain silicate material isn't super uncommon. Fulgurites, for example, melt at 3000°F (for reference, the sun is 5000°F) Complete inability to be melted is of course anomalous, but is a super common trait in SCPs, so doesn't really make the snail stand out on it's own.

2. The gaseous "semi-fluid" substance. Gases are a fluid, so I'm not sure what this really means. If you meant liquid, I'm having a difficult time imagining what that means either. Melting down proteins isn't anomalous at all, in all honesty. The main reason life isn't able to survive at high temperatures is just that: high heat causes proteins and DNA to unravel and lose shape. It seems like the only real anomalous property of the gas is that it transforms human possessions into glass. However, I'm not really sure how this fits in. What is the through line from the snail to human possessions? Is it thematically relevant?

3. It's unclear what you mean by "critical" here. If you mean it in the chemistry sense, I'm going go assume you mean it sublimes, and that you don't intend that to be an anomalous trait, but a natural side effect.

Narrative
I actually really like the narrative idea here! I think the concept of an SCP being exploited for resources and subsequently killed is super interesting, and I think that keeping its "remains" anomalous is a clever way to get around having to classify it as neutralized. Although there are plenty of SCPs where it is outlined how they are/can be used to the Foundation's benefit, I don't think there are many that are treated as a potential resource to be fought over for the purpose of making something out of the material (as opposed to something like a weapon or a strong person).

Overall
I think you have a great idea for a story, but as far as anomalous properties go, I think the ones displayed here are either explainable, or so widely used that they don't stand out as interesting by themselves (giant size, kills humans specifically, etc). I think you should work more with the concept of it changing possessions to glass: find a thematic through line, and it might be interesting enough to the carry the SCP.

Last edited on 22 Jul 2020 22:20 by paperbackstab Show more

Re: Why are you doing this

theinuite 23 Jul 2020 12:32

Thank you for the critique! It really helped me find out the weak points of the article.
To answer some of your doubts,

+ something

1. Although I believe the sun is 5000 K, not F, I get that this might not have good anomalous traits. I'll try to find a way to improve this or maybe come up with another property from scratch.
2. I used the word semi-fluid to tell that the gas is slightly stiffer compared to normal gases that are not anomalous, which is why the foundation could manage to contain it effectively. And the gas isn't required to be so hot that protein disintegration can happen as you said. It just is because it forms from magma. It may or may not cool down as it spreads. Yes, the main point is that it turns sapiens to silicate. This is because of the rage SCP-XXXX felt when dying. The outrage and vengeance were the impetus which made the SCP into that.
3. I used the word "Critical" as to mean simply dying. The cause of death is the incident where every part that structures the victim turns to silicate.

Thanks to your crit, I realized this SCP may not have very good anomalous traits to be an SCP. I'll try to work around this flaw. Again, thank you so much!

Last edited on 23 Jul 2020 15:30 by theinuite Show more

Re: Why are you doing this

OCuin 21 Jul 2020 14:04

[Placeholder from PM]

So, the anomaly here isn't necessarily bad, and it doesn't break any major conventions, but it's unnecessarily complex and I'm uncertain of the purposes of everything included. It feels a little "monster-y" for me, and that's not necessarily a bad thing, but it needs to be paired with a strong narrative that explores that in an interesting manner.

The biggest problem, therefore, is the narrative. It's just… kinda flat, in my opinion. I'm not sure what you're trying to say with it, and it doesn't explore the anomaly in any particularly unique or interesting ways. There's no statement being made here, and especially with the inclusion of the Chaos Insurgency and such an S1 style anomaly, it feels like there really should be more going on here in the subtext. I'm not particularly familiar with the CI, but the inclusion here feels a little shoehorned and not particularly well justified by the narrative. Why does the CI take advantage of the poor containment? Why not the SH? Or any other GoI? What makes it so it has to be the CI?

I guess my main issue with this is a lack of depth and a blandness. It doesn't need to break ground, but the general arc of your narrative is centred around conflict we've seen a hundred times, and it lacks any depth beyond that. It's just rather simple and shallow. You've got this anomaly that isn't the strongest, so it really needs to be elevated by a unique and compelling narrative, ideally, one that explores the anomaly in an interesting manner to some degree, but right now it just uses the anomaly as a MacGuffin to spark conflict. I think you'd benefit from really considering what unique things you could say with this article about your anomaly and perhaps even comment on its context within the Foundation canon.

Last edited on 23 Jul 2020 23:02 by OCuin Show more

Re: Why are you doing this

theinuite 24 Jul 2020 13:52

Thank you for the crit! Thanks to it I recognize what you think the post's weak points are very clear. I actually had a distinct image of what the narrative would look like, but apparently, it didn't come through the post. I'll try to transmit a better image after I fixed the other major flaws. Thank you!

Re: Why are you doing this

DianaBerry 22 Jul 2020 15:28

[Placeholder, summoned by pm, will critique asap]

 ♥*♡Open Critique♥*♡

Hello! So my main issues with this is a few of the details are confusing and need straightening out. Let's break it down.

The Anomaly:

So the anomaly itself is a giant snail with a shell made of molten silicate minerals. I suppose this is kind of neat, but it feels sort of flat. Basically, it's a creature that's huge and made of something strange. I don't have much to say on the anomaly, other than the fact that it feels flat. This could likely be fixed with the right narrative though. I'll get into more details in the narrative section, as the real meat of this pitch lies there. For more information on developing ideas, check out this guide and this guide.

The Narrative:

So the Foundation finds this thing, and they decide to contain it by setting up a site around its habitat. That's fine, perfectly realistic. Next you note the Chaos Insurgency approach it because it didn't have firm enough security protocols. I feel like this detail is sort of lazy. There's not technically a problem with it, I just feel like depending on the situation, it wouldn't matter how good or bad the containment protocols were. The Foundation isn't invincible or anything.

Next you note that there's a big fight between the CI and the Foundation after the CI attempts to take the snail's shell. How do you plan on including this in the article? Through an exploration log? I suppose this is a narrative that could work, it just kind of feels like a basic 'Foundation vs GoI' story with no real depth. I don't feel anything for this creature, I don't think much of it.

You need to give your audience a reason to care about your characters. You note that your attention grabber is the death of this SCP. For that to be the hook, people need to care about this SCP. You need to make sure that your audience feels the despair as the SCP melts into magma, losing the form it once was. Make them really feel that sadness, feel the life draining from this character. One way to do that better is to build up the character to begin with. If people care about this character, then they'll feel sad that it's facing an awful fate. Right now, it feels flat. But with the right build up and right details, you could have an SCP and characters that people feel for.

partly seen through the SCP’s eyes and thought.

Okay, how? It's an SCP document, the Foundation isn't going to have documentation from its point of view, not in this case anyways. How exactly did you plan on going about this?

Overall, I think you've got something that could work, you just need to iron out some details, and make the emotions really stand out.

Hope I could help! Good luck!

Last edited on 23 Jul 2020 17:09 by DianaBerry Show more

Re: Why are you doing this

theinuite 24 Jul 2020 15:04

Thank you for the critique! I now fully realize why the SCP itself is pretty weak in itself, thanks to you and those two above.

+ something

So the Foundation finds this thing, and they decide to contain it by setting up a site around its habitat. That's fine, perfectly realistic. Next you note the Chaos Insurgency approach it because it didn't have firm enough security protocols. I feel like this detail is sort of lazy. There's not technically a problem with it, I just feel like depending on the situation, it wouldn't matter how good or bad the containment protocols were. The Foundation isn't invincible or anything.

that was a very helpful point. Even though I decided to put it in to further develop the ideology (that which only confined in the article, of course!) that humans are kinda shit, I guess the whole thing might be unnecessary.

Next you note that there's a big fight between the CI and the Foundation after the CI attempts to take the snail's shell. How do you plan on including this in the article? Through an exploration log? I suppose this is a narrative that could work, it just kind of feels like a basic 'Foundation vs GoI' story with no real depth. I don't feel anything for this creature, I don't think much of it.

I guess now when you look at it, it does look like a pretty cliche fight. I thought up a layout that first shows the log of CI agents breaking in, indirectly describing the former SCP. Then comes the article of the later form of the SCP, hopefully making readers wonder what had happened to it. Then the fight itself, and the article of the former form. The SCP's thought, usually in one sentence, would have been inserted from time to time.

But I guess the important thing right now is to fix other serious flaws of the idea. Again, thank you so much for the crit!

Last edited on 24 Jul 2020 15:06 by theinuite Show more

Re: Why are you doing this

DianaBerry 24 Jul 2020 15:46

[Placeholder, summoned by pm for additional critique, will do so asap]

 ₓ˚. ୭ ˚○◦Open Response .˚◦○˚ ୧ .˚ₓ 

Again, thank you so much for the crit!

No problem! Glad I could help! :D

that was a very helpful point. Even though I decided to put it in to further develop the ideology (that which only confined in the article, of course!) that humans are kinda shit, I guess the whole thing might be unnecessary.

I can see why you would want to put that in, so no worries. It just helps to remove details like that when they don't serve any real purpose.

I guess now when you look at it, it does look like a pretty cliche fight. I thought up a layout that first shows the log of CI agents breaking in, indirectly describing the former SCP.

That could maybe work, but I'd imagine they would describe what the SCP used to look like in the document,, so there wouldn't really be a purpose for this.

Then comes the article of the later form of the SCP, hopefully making readers wonder what had happened to it.

So would you not show what happens to it?

The SCP's thought, usually in one sentence, would have been inserted from time to time.

How? How would the Foundation know what it's thinking?

Last edited on 25 Jul 2020 17:14 by DianaBerry Show more

Re: Why are you doing this

theinuite 25 Jul 2020 23:59

First, thank you again for taking time into my post! It really means a lot to me.

+ something

That could maybe work, but I'd imagine they would describe what the SCP used to look like in the document,, so there wouldn't really be a purpose for this.

Yes, but I thought about changing the order of things, to provide a little lateral thinking. But I guess that technically would be repeating the same bits, and thus making the writing bad.

So would you not show what happens to it?

Nono, it’ll be shown right after. I just wanted to put a bit of suspense.

How? How would the Foundation know what it's thinking?

I was thinking more of the voice of Clair in SCP-4043, but slightly more haywire. The foundation wouldn’t have documented it, but it’d look the document have been infected. I can’t think of a way to justify that, so I’ll have to keep brainstorming

Thanks!

Last edited on 26 Jul 2020 02:06 by theinuite Show more

Re: Why are you doing this

DianaBerry 26 Jul 2020 02:17

[Placeholder, will provide additional critique asap per requested from pm]

 ₓ˚. ୭ ˚○◦Open Response.˚◦○˚ ୧ .˚ₓ 

First, thank you again for taking time into my post! It really means a lot to me.

No problem! Glad to help!

I don't really have much more advice to give, my apologies. You did answer my questions though. I'm not familiar with 4043, so I don't have much to say there. Also, having a document infected would make it a format screw, which is something you have to be careful with. Think, can you get away with the same effect without making it a format screw? If so, it's best to not have it be one.

Last edited on 26 Jul 2020 18:05 by DianaBerry Show more

Re: Why are you doing this

Naveil 22 Jul 2020 20:54

[Placeholder - will crit soon]

So my main concern here is your idea to have the narrative come from the SCP's point of view. You don't really explain how you want to do it? Depending on the route you take, it'd probably tread into format-spin territory, which isn't something I'd recommend for a first time author.

Otherwise, the story you're trying to tell does have potential. Even if "humanity bad" has been done to death in pop media, treat it right and it can be something special. Try to approach it from a unique angle, like the point of view shifts you were talking about. Show, don't tell will be crucial here.
Another point is the "battle" between the Foundation and CI. I can't say I'm the biggest fan, as it feels like a cheap way to kill the SCP and kick start the main theme you're going for. Trying to convey battles through text is also difficult as you'd being trying to give the impact without relying on certain factors, like the visual element, which can't be done in an article. It's absolutely doable, but I'm not sure it's the greatest idea due to my aforementioned concerns.

Finally, you're going in-depth about the creature, and what it turns into. I can't say too much here, but as a rule of thumb, semantics only matter if you can do something with them. Like, are all these extraneous really relevant? Would you, as a reader, care about them? If it's a no, you should consider whether it's worth including them.

Last edited on 26 Jul 2020 20:23 by Naveil Show more