Overall
There is a certain whimsical aspect to this piece that I quite enjoyed during the phase of pre-post crit I was involved with, and I am glad to see that subsequent critique didn't rob this of that element.
While I think that some of the more emotional aspects of this piece fall a little flat, I think that that more comes from the age and experience of the author. This is not a criticism; pain, loss, and regret are things that I wish on no one. Trying to write something that is full of that becomes easier when you have a longer life to look back and draw upon.
I'm not a huge fan of using the minor format screw to shift between past/present. I agree that something should be done to indicate this, but I'm not sure this is the best way. I think that the color chosen to convey something that is supposed to showcase this might have been better served as a slow change from bright and cheerful to match the more mundane color of the rest of the piece as the past caught up to the now. It shows both the brightness of the far past being colored with nostalgia, then slowly the regret seeps in to leech the color from the memories.
SPaG
"Flina, clapping her hands together, compliments them.
Extra ".
Out of the five of them; Flina always seemed the most impressed, I think it was because she wasn't great at organizing.
The ';' after 'them' is improper. You should switch it with the comma after 'impressed'.
Consistency/Flow
I remember my days back there— Abracadabra Designs. None of us thought much of it. 'Open a fashion shop. We all want to so let's do it!' It seemed simple because there was no reason for it not to be. I try to scan through the memories as if they're files on a computer. I like to go over them, yet I'm often not sure where to start. Perhaps the first week— that was interesting.
Using the '—' twice so close together doesn't quite fit right. I would change the first sentence to something like "I remember my days from before, back when we first made Abracadabra Designs." This is the first bit, you gotta set the hook, give us something more. This is relying entirely upon the name "Abracadabra Designs" to be the primary hook, and while the name is a good one, it isn't quite strong enough to really snag me.
I'd also pull out that last line, make it it's own paragraph. It is strong enough to stand on its own, and it provides a solid bridge into the past.
She looks up beside her where five different clothing items are floating in the air, a glittery purple cloud surrounding them.
Consider:
"She looks up at the five different pieces of clothing held aloft around her in a glittery purple cloud."
In the hand which previously held her sewing needle is her wand, which she gives a few swishes to lower the floating clothes to individual hangers.
Consider:
"She flexes the fingers in the hand that now holds a wand instead of a sewing needle and she waves it casually at the clothing that immediately separate and settle onto individual hangers."
She jumps up into the air, using steps made of glittery clouds to catch herself.
Consider:
"She jumps into the air, using steps made from glittering cloudstuff to aid in her ascent."
Ask me how I ended up becoming one of them, while my friends ended up as objects.
This is the turning point in the entire piece, the pivotal moment when you add your twist. This should stand alone, in it's own paragraph. It is this moment that really sets the tone for everything else, the dividing line between the wistful nostalgia of what was and we can look back and see the regret and pain in everything else. It's a filter line, and it needs to stand alone.
They asked me if I was okay with this, though they knew the answer and didn't care.
Consider this:
Ask me how I ended up becoming one of them, while my friends ended up as objects.
Did they just take me up off the street? That's not how you would think they chose their employees.
The truth, apparently, was that with my education and background, they found me valuable. They asked me if I was okay with this, though I suspect now that they knew the answer and just didn't care. Why did I choose this? All I wanted was to run a fashion shop with my friends.
They still don't allow me near them and I don't even know what Site they're being held at. Ask me how this happened. Ask me why I chose this.
Honestly, I don't know. But I hope Flina is doing okay. She can find the joy in literally anything.
I hope she can bring joy to the researchers assigned to her.
Maybe one day, I can get us all out of here, and we can run our shop once again.
Consider:
Maybe one day, I can get us all out of here.
Maybe one day, we can run our shop again.
Maybe one day.
Then add a fair amount of empty white space after. Maybe 6 or so lines worth. Really twist that empty knife.
Closing Remarks
Like I said, despite my fairly lengthy edit suggestions, I really do like this piece. The drug bit at the end really does hit home, and I'm glad you went with it.
The drugs suppressing the dream, weaving with her depression and regret and shame to coil in her chest like a poison that just wont go away.
It's dark, it hurts, and it's really good.
