(Seeking Greenlight) Stomach Flu

Summary:

A disease that makes people vomit acidic gastric acids.

Stomach Flu

Jymbo 21 Jun 2020 00:17

Seeking Greenlights: Yes

Page Type: SCP Article

Genre (Optional): Horror-eques, Emotional

Page Layout (Optional):
Special Containment Procedures
Description
Interview Log
MTF Journal

Elevator Pitch:
The vomit cannon, a father watches his son suffer from an anomaly.

Central Narrative:
Basic events in order of what happened first to last.

• One night a boy gets infected with a disease.
• The father of the boy stays home to help his son. The father doesn't notice anything alarming.
• The father has trouble sleeping, he keeps seeing his son get up to throw up.
• The next day, the father notes that his son's skin looks lighter, father tries not to worry to much but starts researching about the illness to be safe.
• On the third day the man starts to panic as his son isn't getting better and his son's skin is losing color, the father sets an appointment with the hospital.
• On fourth day, the father wakes up to his son wailing, the father sees that parts of the skin have been melted, the father quickly rushes his son to the hospital.
• At the hospital, the father waits outside the room his son is in, the father then hears people screaming, the father looks into the room and sees the doctors dead and his son walking toward him.
• The father runs out and calls his MTF squad. The squad arrives and they capture the fathers son.
• The father than gets interviewed and works for a couple of weeks then decides to quit.

Hook/Attention-Grabber:
The narrative follows a father watching his son suffer and succumb to a painful disease. The narrative will mainly focus on the father, how he feels and how the event has impacted him.

Additional Notes:

Last edited on 20 Jul 2020 21:55 by Jymbo Show more

Re: Seeking Greenlight - Hungry Boy

REDESERT 21 Jun 2020 01:25

Note: I can't give out greenlights, nor am I a critter.- Take what I say with grain of salt. With that said, lets take a look.

The secrets of the desert:

+ show block

The narrative:
Before I start, I would recommend you start work on a narrative (preferably in the early stages of your skip). While by no means needed for a successful article, they keep audience engagement and can further explain your skip. Keep in mind that narratives have more or less become the standard in modern articles.

The concept:
Now as for the concept. It mainly feels like a hungry person, I know people who engorge themselves while eating and I know people who get hangry. There isn't anything that really separates your skip from a regular person?- what makes this an anomaly.

A humanoid is incredibly hungry so it must eat, but vomits if it overeats.

Ok, well the premise doesn't necessarily bore me, but I don't think you enough of an explanation here. What exactly does the "humanoid" look like and where was it found, you don't need a detailed paragraph for this, just give an idea of it. You seem to focus on the ability? a little too much here, what happens if/when it doesn't eat, why would it vomiting be a problem.

The creature is hard to contain due to the creature's behavior directly correlating with how much is in its stomach, if the creature's stomach is empty, then it gets extremely hostile and hungry. The creature only eats meat and it often engorges itself if it finds a lot of meat. The creature ends up vomiting its stomach contents if it engorges itself with too much meat. The creature is immune to the effects of its vomit, which incredibly acidic and can melt see.

How is this creature hard to contain? what does it actually do when it doesn't eat, by the sounds of it the creature just gets "hostile". I'm not sure what the anomaly actually is, this just sounds like a very hangry person?

Why does the creature only eat meat? why is this detail important and how does it relate back to the skip. What about it having acidic vomit is important, I'm not sure what your trying to put the focus on here. Both of these details are rather important and the vomit feels like a quick way to make the skip seem like more of a threat. If you are going to add the "vomit", then make sure it relates back to the skip. Perhaps it uses that as a defence mechanism?

Suggestions:-Feel more than welcome to disregard this part of the crit:
Perhaps its civilised and acts like a completely normal person while it is feed, but quickly loses any humanity and becomes more animalistic when it gets hungry. Which I'm assuming wouldn't take long (considering the concept I would assume it never stays "full" for long). Maybe it contracted some sort of mutation from eating undercooked meat, causing it to become like this.- Maybe there's a threat that there more people will contract this. With the Foundation questioning if they should just keep it in this hungry state, as feeding it takes a lot of resources and it only stays full for a matter of minutes?

-I noticed some grammar mistakes in your post. I would recommend you double check the spelling/grammar is correct before posting. The concept is less likely to be taken seriously if there are many noticeable spelling/grammar mistakes.

-Do note, these are only friendly suggestions and my own opinions, don't take this as fact and please don't be discouraged. I'm sure a more experienced reviewer would love to give their take on this.

-The friendly neighbourhood note: If you haven't already, I would highly recommend you contact a member of the butterfly squad. They would have great advice on how to proceed and what could be elaborated on. Hope I could help (and wasn't too harsh), Good luck!:)

Re: Seeking Greenlight - Hungry Boy

Jymbo 21 Jun 2020 02:10

Thank you for your feedback, I edited some of the mistakes that involved grammar and spelling and I am currently taking a more in-depth look into some of the points you have made and see what I should change or better explain.

Re: Seeking Greenlight - Hungry Boy

Jymbo 09 Jul 2020 23:16

Thank you for taking the time to critique my work.

Re: Seeking Greenlight - Hungry Boy

Dr Ainsworth 21 Jun 2020 03:32

Hey there.
I can't greenlight, but I can give my opinion.
1. This isn't an original idea, we already have two SCPs who are humanoids who need to, and will, constantly eat. These are SCP-4364 (Let Him Eat Cake) and SCP-913 (Mr. Hungry). Therefore, I don't think we really need another, especially when these two aren't high quality articles on their own.
2.

which often flies out of its mouth at a fast speed when it's running.

This feels random, and hurts the SCP's credibility.
3. The SCP itself just seems like an ordinary person who has special vomit. That's not really that interesting. There's no hook.

I hope my feedback comes in handy.

Last edited on 23 Jul 2020 02:55 by A Random Day Show more

Re: Seeking Greenlight - Hungry Boy

Jymbo 21 Jun 2020 04:56

Thank you for the feedback, I will take your suggestions into consideration.

Criticism Team Staff Post - OPEN

MalyceGraves 23 Jul 2020 02:53

Dr Ainsworth -

As per the REQUIRED READING thread at the top of this forum:

Do not use other authors' threads to advertise your own work.

Doing so is a violation of the rules. Please refrain from doing so again.

Thank you.

Re: Hungry Boy

OCuin 21 Jun 2020 22:18

Noting PM request to take a look.

Critique

Elevator Pitch: A tall humanoid with a large mouth that spews very acidic vomit when it eats past its limit.

This is a bit too "Series 1 monster" to succeed without a particularly strong narrative. We've seen it before, we'll see it again, and it's not really the kind of thing the site audience likes anymore. The specific mechanics of it eating and spewing acid and so on aren't all that important to the story or general focus of your article, but to address them, they are generally very series-1-style also. Specifically, the fact that it kills people and eats them is far too generic and monster-y for me. It might have survived back at the beginning of the wiki, but standards have evolved since then.

Central Narrative: The central narrative is how the object was discovered and tells the story of the person who first spotted the creature and the experience of being burned by the acid.

This lacks detail. What happens when the object is discovered? What happens to that person? What's the beginning, middle, and end? This should be the primary focus of your idea, as SCP articles are stories first and foremost. It's the primary thing that needs development here.

Personally, I would not pursue this idea. Perhaps with a particularly strong story it could be re-worked, but as it stands, it lacks the narrative and originality necessary for articles to survive

I'm collapsing this and adding a note that I don't like how my tone sounds in this and I think I was too harsh. My apologies for that.

Last edited on 24 Jun 2020 13:33 by OCuin Show more

Re: Hungry Boy

Jymbo 09 Jul 2020 23:38

Thank you for critiquing my work, it really helped me learn more about how much the site has changed.

Re: Stomach Flu

cybersqyd 22 Jun 2020 14:08

[+] Open for crit!

The creature experiences some of the symptoms of gastroenteritis, such as nausea and vomiting but to an extreme level. The creature has several patches of melted flesh on its body caused by its vomit.

So like, what does this actually mean? Like there feels like there's some potential for some good horror here but I don't really have a feel for what's actually happening?

The central narrative is about the point of view of the person who first encountered the creature and the story from the creature's point of view.

So the thing with a SCP article is generally stuff is best told from the perspective of the Foundation: whether it's a D-Class being sent to explore something or a mobile task force, or researchers notes, or something completely different. My concern with this is that it'll be very hard to tell this story in a way that's interesting and also doesn't give away the ending?

This is especially true since it's being told via journal entries: it'll be hard to narratively justify there being a lot of them, though perhaps a single, after the fact entry could work? Maybe that'd feel better as a parawatch piece or a tale though?

Moving past this: the actual story feels kinda generic? You basically just have some folk wandering around a forest until they find a spooky monster and then ooo spooky? I'd really suggest you consider like, how the Foundation can interact with it: maybe this'd be stronger as a piece centred around the Foundation exploring a place and finding weird stuff, or maybe there's an angle where exploring what happens with this in containment is fun: maybe like, exploring the long term health (both physical and mental) affects on this dude slowly corroding due to a weird anomalous disease say; or perhaps the Foundation struggling to handle all the acidic vomit it emits or w/e.

Last edited on 22 Jun 2020 14:09 by cybersqyd Show more

Re: Stomach Flu

Jymbo 09 Jul 2020 09:30

Hello, I know it has been a while since this posting but I would like to get some help on how to make a story less generic. Can you give me tips and advice on making the narrative less generic?

Re: Stomach Flu

Dr Sage Evergreen 24 Jun 2020 11:31

Responding to PM Request
Hey there! How are you doing?
Interesting SCP you've got there!
It would be a shame if someone…
Critiqued it

+ show block

Overall, this idea does have potential, but I do have quite a few concerns about your overall narrative and the abilities of your SCP. A lot of these points have been tackled by previous critiquers, but give you my own take on it. Let's break it down line by line:

The SCP is a humanoid that has contracted an illness that is similar to gastroenteritis.

I honestly think that it may be a better idea to make the virus itself the SCP, since multiple individuals can be infected with it. The first person to be found infected with the SCP might be designated SCP-XXXX-1, or something along those lines where they would be kept for study, but it may make more sense in this case to give the anomalous virus the numerical designation of an SCP, instead of a single human. From what I read in your story, the infected subject is a former human-turned monster. But normally with virus-related SCPs, rarely are individual instances assigned numerical designations, and are instead referee to as an "instance" of the SCP. Of course, this varies article to article, so you certainly can get creative.

Although, that being said, the SCP, in virus or humanoid form, is very reminiscent of a series one monster. I know you incorporate a narrative, but the concept just seems far too cut-and dry to be considered an intriguing SCP. I'll discuss this more in your hook.

Central Narrative:
The narrative follows a member of the MTF searching through the forest with his team to find an anomaly. The team notes the many animal carcasses scattered along with melted trees. The team first finds a damaged cabin and goes inside to find a hunter who they interview and tells him his experience on how one day his son went missing and a creature chased him into the cabin. The team then follows a trail and finds the creature in a cave. The team successfully captures the creature by using an incapacitating serum but at a loss of three MTF troopers. The team also discovers that in the cave was a journal written by the son of the hunter at the cabin. The creature then goes to the facility and gets observed by scientists. The scientists note the effects that the disease is taking on the creature and also discover the fact that the creature can talk. The scientists then interview the monster and discover who the person might've been and also discover that the person got the disease after eating a piece of uncooked meat. The scientists also note that one way to better contain the creature is to have it have an alkaline diet to neutralize the acid in its stomach by a small margin to make the acid weaker so it isn't able to melt very strong materials.

There's a lot to unpack here, so I'm going to just list out the primary points.

• This entire narrative basically boils down to a standard tracking down and capturing the SCP. Such is a narrative/discovery log that has been used time and time again throughout dozens, if not hundreds of SCP articles from various series. This particular trope isn't something that would appeal to most audiences anymore, and unless you somehow incorporate a giant twist during the hunt, I don't see it being too successful.
• What is exactly the point of the hunter's son's journal? I know your narrative focuses on trying to track down the creature, but adding in the journal seems somewhat unnecessary. Unless, of course, you add in some sort of twist or new information, I wouldn't add in the journal. You want to try and avoid attaching too many addendums, and you may want to leave some things up to the reader's imagination.
• If the humanoid got its abilities from eating the meat, then wouldn't the meat be the primary problem? I think that throwing in this fact doesn't help your narrative too much, so it may be better to avoid putting it in. Like I mentioned before, avoid unneeded info! And leave it up to the readers' imaginations!
• You haven't told me the exact abilities of the SCP, aside from its a humanoid with stomach problems. What's with this switching it to an Alkaline diet? Is it able to spit or secrete acid somehow? I think I need you to be more specific with your character's abilities before I go any deeper into this.

Hook/Attention-Grabber: The creature was a human that contracted a strange disease that is similar to gastroenteritis which means that the creature experiences some of the symptoms such as nausea and vomiting but to an extreme level. The creature doesn't exhibit hostile behavior when it's properly contained but is dangerous due to the chance to get vomited on as the vomit is extremely acidic and can burn the skin of the person it comes in contact with.

I'm a little interested, but this concept alone isn't something that really, REALLY perks my interests. Compared to other articles present on the wiki, I wouldn't choose to read this one. There are far more intriguing notions that catch my attention, aside from this particular SCP. If a reader goes through and doesn't find your article satisfying, and/or they feel they wasted their time, they will likely leave a downvote and cause your article to get deleted. You're looking to create a concept that's both fun for you to write and interesting for your audience to read. That being said, you may need to spice it up a bit. I know it sounds cheesy, but thinking out of the box really helps make an article succesful.

That being said, I know you aren't looking for greenlights, but I doubt I would have given this concept a greenlight if you were. There is a lot I feel is missing or lacking, but I do think you can make the concept and idea a bit better! A little creativity goes a long way! Put your own twist on the concept, and don't be afraid to get a bit wacky. That being said, best of luck in your future writing endevours, and if you would like me to look it over sometime in the near future, feel free to let me know!

Last edited on 24 Jun 2020 11:31 by Dr Sage Evergreen Show more

Re: Stomach Flu

(account deleted) 25 Jun 2020 11:53

I'm a little hesitant on this, unfortunately. The narrative sounds… a little too generic, as highlighted by the other reviewers above. I'm also a little unsure that the plot may feel too predictable, as I could already sorta, assume that the creature was the hunter's son after I read the bit where the journal was found in its hand?

It also feels as if the behavior of the creature/hunter's son felt unexplored/unexplained here? What happened to the son for him to turn into the creature? Why did he chase his father to the cabin? Why did he come back when the MTF units came? Why something related to gastroenteritis?

Personally, I think I would prioritize story over the core anomaly; though, this one feels a little lacking in both. Someone just having the ability to vomit really acidic substances isn't necessarily something extremely disgusting or engaging to hook your readers in from the start, and the narrative feels not so fleshed out to really support the anomaly.

Re: Stomach Flu

Sonderance 02 Jul 2020 07:26

Alright, here’s my take.

+ show block

At the moment, there isn’t much to this concept besides a rather graphic discovery log. As disgusting as your described anomaly is, there needs to be more than a squick factor to appeal to readers. The story of a man watching his child succumb to an anomalous illness has emotional potential, but from what I can tell, your focus in the central narrative would be less on that and more on how gross and powerful the creature his son becomes would be, which doesn’t appeal to me.
In addition, I’m not sure what the point of the ending is. Why should the reader be at all interested in the worms found in the vomit? How does that connect to the rest of the narrative?
Overall, I think most of what I’d like to say about this concept has already been put quite well by other critiquers. A person overcome by acidic vomit feels like something from Series I, and the narrative you’ve proposed here doesn’t do anything to overcome that feeling.

If you respond to this comment and would like me to see it, please send me a Wikidot PM, as I will not be notified otherwise.

Re: Stomach Flu

Jymbo 09 Jul 2020 08:26

Hello, I have shifted focus more to the on the father and the son and added more detail about how the son begins the change as the disease takes effect.

Can you elaborate on how I can make my narrative stronger so it doesn't feel like a Series I SCP?
Are there any parts of the narrative that seem convoluted or not well explained?

Re: Stomach Flu

Sonderance 12 Jul 2020 07:29

I think you’ve brought it a bit closer by focusing the narrative on a man losing his son to an anomaly, but I’m not sure that telling the entire central narrative in an interview log is the way to go. Dialogue is a difficult thing for even experienced authors to get right and conveying every aspect of this storyline while simultaneously providing your main character with an emotional journey is a lot of pressure. What exactly would this interview log convey to the reader, besides the main story?

As for your questions, I do think an emotional route is the way to go on this. The focus should be on those affected by the anomaly, not the anomaly itself. Some of the aspects of the illness seem a bit too detailed, but I supposed those could be brought in to expand upon the initial imagery.

Re: Stomach Flu

Jymbo 12 Jul 2020 09:49

Hello, I have a couple of questions and several ideas that I would like to get your opinion on. Also to answer your question, I think the interview would help show more of the father's character by the way he talks and by providing his point of view on what happened as the interviewer will be asking him questions on the event of the discovery of the anomaly.

Questions:

1. What are some other methods or formats to tell the story and or express emotion? I was considering using a journal but another critter said that journals are heavily overused.
2. Should I add the son's point of view of the events on what happened to him?

Ideas:

1. I noticed that many critters think that the anomaly is too generic or not too anomalous, so I thought of something a bit different. The idea is that instead of parasitic worms, the anomaly is a fungus that makes the skin grow into tough sharp plates that pierce the infected, those infected also don't vomit worms but instead involuntarily "vomit" high voltage electricity. The first part would help make the son's transformation more describable as if it were happening you could visibly see it and it could show how painful it would be to get the fungus. The second part would, in my opinion, make it a little more anomalous and less like something that exists in real life.
2. The second idea was to add the theme of abandonment, as the main character was abandoned by his parents and essentially does the same to his son, I think this could solidify why he feels depressed as he left his child in a facility to be experimented on and he feels like guilty and like a hypocrite because he feels like he became his parents, who he resents.

Last edited on 12 Jul 2020 10:03 by Jymbo Show more

Re: Stomach Flu

Sonderance 15 Jul 2020 03:01

First, your questions.

+ Questions

What are some other methods or formats to tell the story and or express emotion? I was considering using a journal but another critter said that journals are heavily overused.

An excellent guide outlining different methods can be found here. However, I’d like to respectfully disagree with my colleague. The fact that journals are commonly used for exposition isn’t the actual concern here. The journal would need some sort of purpose within the universe to exist. If an anthropologist, for instance, records their emotions and impressions when interacting with a newfound group of people, that journal exists to help that person have a record for future perusal. Why would your protagonist need or have a journal?

Should I add the son's point of view of the events on what happened to him?

I’d say that depends on what you want the focus to be. If your focus is on the father, I’m not sure what adding the son’s point of view will contribute besides distracting from the main thematic elements.

Now, your mentioned ideas.

+ Ideas

I noticed that many critters think that the anomaly is too generic or not too anomalous, so I thought of something a bit different.

To be frank, the anomalous disease is the least interesting aspect of this to me. That’s less to do with your concept and more to do with me as a reader. In my view, any anomalous element only exists in an SCP article to justify and drive the narrative. What aspects of the disease are required for the story?

The second idea was to add the theme of abandonment, as the main character was abandoned by his parents and essentially does the same to his son.

This theme seems like it would be difficult to implement in its current form. The son at this point would be an active danger to those around him. You would be hard-pressed to justify the guilt the father feels within the narrative.

Re: Stomach Flu

Jymbo 17 Jul 2020 18:59

I have edited my idea, could your take a look at the new version and tell any problems you see in it?

1.) My protagonist would use a journal for how they captured an anomaly, when they found it, and where they found it. Could changing the father occupation better work with using a journal?
2.) The aspects required for my story are primarily visual, so should I mainly write the disease to follow the needs of the narrative?

Last edited on 20 Jul 2020 21:54 by Jymbo Show more

Re: Stomach Flu

Sonderance 23 Jul 2020 02:54

I’m not so sure if an occupation change would help here. The father would need an explicit reason to journal about his life and his son, and I’m not currently seeing that.

As for the disease, I think you’re still running into the issue that a few critters have surely mentioned. The condition you’ve described here could be caused by non-anomalous means. What are the actual anomalous aspects of the illness, if I may ask?

Re: Stomach Flu

Jymbo 31 Jul 2020 07:17

The anomalous aspects are that the illness makes the body prioritize the stomach over other organs to constantly produce stomach acid. The disease makes the other organs to shrink and shrivel up while keeping the parts of the GI tract and the brain intact.

Re: Stomach Flu

Sonderance 02 Aug 2020 06:02

Okay, that solves that. But what about the journal? What impetus do you have for the main expositional and narrative component of your article?

Re: Stomach Flu

The Pighead 02 Jul 2020 18:05

Had been summoned by PM, so here I come. Pighead In, let's take a look at your idea.

Elevator Pitch : I will directly begin by that : I'm not really a fan of this pitch. A disease who causes heavy vomiting seems not really anomalous (yeah, I understand that it's perpetual vomiting, but even at this point, I'm sure that a real, non-anomalous disease known by doctors can cause you these effects) but also the anomalous effects are pretty simplistic and had made several times in the past, especially the "anomaly vomits substances who make the human skin melt at contact" part. The worms who go on your skin are maybe a little more disgusting and "horrific", but for the most part, I'm not really a fan of this pitch.

Central Narrative : So, the big part. And I have a problem with it : it's the fact that it's not totally bad and it had some potential, but I don't feel I'm into it. I see only that with a distant look, the story happens and I don't particularly care for the characters. And I feel that I can't help too much about that, that it's more a "my tastes" thing than a "your writing" thing. At least, I advise you to remove the part when Banner had an amnesic who remove all his memories because it sounds too easy and plus, his choice is too sudden and we don't really know the reasons of why. But yeah, not really into it.

And because the other parts don't tell me much more about that, I will stop here. No greenlight. So, my primary problems with that are the fact that I wasn't too much into the story and the anomaly was really, really simplistic, too much at my opinion. Because I'm pretty late to the party, I think there's not much new I can tell you and I apologize for that. I can only advise you to follow cybersqyd advices and be focused on a story, rather than the core anomaly, because you have something.

For the rest, it's all for me, Pighead Out.

Re: Stomach Flu

Truc Linh 03 Jul 2020 02:35

PM request acknowledged.

---

T.L. at your service!

Apologies for the delay. IRL stuff happened. Now on to the crit:

+ Here lies crit crit

Concerning the elevator pitch, the way you've displayed it comes off as something parasitic, which doesn't seem very anomalous in my opinion. The symptoms also seem like something natural the body would do. I also find the central narrative rather generic, and it reminded me more of something out of a horror movie, which is something I don't think would work well as an SCP.

I also find the events that happened within the narrative doesn't really seem interesting nor unique. Most of the stuff you have displayed are stuff that has already been done many many times, including what you have in the hook/attention getter.

The story is told by an interview.

I honestly think this would restrain you from really being able to bring out the horror and emotion in this as the MTF and the interviewer will most likely have to follow protocol throughout the interview (therefore restraining what you want displayed). I suggest maybe turning this into a tale instead? I will give you more freedom to incorporate and bring out what you want the audience to feel.

Overall, I find this concept too generic to work as an SCP. I also am not getting much of the horror or emotion from this. Like I said before, I think a tale will better help you display those. Maybe you could accentuate more on body horror too? Anyway, my opinion from above still stands.

If you have any questions regarding my critique, please let me know. You are welcome to PM me for another look, or you may follow up with someone from the Butterfly Squad Roster or IRC Chat rooms.

Last edited on 09 Jul 2020 18:01 by Truc Linh Show more

Re: Stomach Flu

Jymbo 09 Jul 2020 21:43

Hello, I have several questions about your crit.

1. How can I make the concept unique?
2. What are some SCPs or stories that have a similar concept or narrative?
3. Are there ways to express emotion through the interviewee?
4. How can I achieve a balance of body horror and the central narratives overall feel?
5. How can I make the reader feel more for the characters?
6. Should I focus more on how the father feels about the situation and let him describe more on how the experience was of slowly watching his son succumb to the strange disease?
7. What sort of protocol would the MTF have to follow during the interview?

Last edited on 09 Jul 2020 23:10 by Jymbo Show more

Re: Stomach Flu

Truc Linh 10 Jul 2020 01:14

PM request acknowledged.

---

Just gonna note that I haven't been feeling well lately, so if I don't make any sense with my response, or if my response is not what you are looking for, please let me know.

+ More crit crit

How can I make the concept unique?

Because almost the entirety of the concept is generic and displays a lot of common tropes, taking some stuff away and adding on something else might collapse and drastically change the entirety of it. For this case, I'd recommend writing up something else instead. I'm also gonna redirect you to these guides, so you'll know what has already been done:
• The Big List Of Overdone SCP Cliches
http://www.scp-wiki.net/the-big-list-of-overdone-scp-cliches
• Cliches And You: An Educational Film
http://www.scp-wiki.net/cliches-and-you-an-educational-film

What are some SCPs or stories that have a similar concept or narrative?

The only one I could think of off the top of my head right now is L'appel du Vide. It matches pretty well with your hook/attention getter:
• L'appel du Vide
http://www.scp-wiki.net/l-appel-du-vide
Adding on, here is a list of articles tagged with "parasitic": http://www.scp-wiki.net/system:page-tags/tag/parasitic#pages
Additionally, some of the aspects displayed in the concept gives me Bravest Warriors (the Aeon Worm arc), vibes, Steven Universe (gem corruption) vibes, and Dr. Bright's father's history with the Site vibes. There's more, but I don't remember the all names and titles at the moment.

Are there ways to express emotion through the interviewee?

There are ways to express his emotions through the interview, but I personally feel like it won't have much impact. Like I said before, I feel like you'd have much more room expressing his thoughts through a tale. Tales don't need to follow the standard set up of an SCP article, giving the freedom of emotional expression through the characters, and it's a tad bit easier to do that. I've also already stated my reason why I felt that way from above.

How can I achieve a balance of body horror and the central narratives overall feel?

I think you could go further into the body horror description when the father returns home and finds his son has changed. Try really going into depth on how that affects the father's psyche, leading him to leave the Foundation.

How can I make the reader feel more for the characters?

I'd recommend giving the characters more personality to solidify how they act throughout the concept. Try presenting what kind of relationship both the father and the son has.

Should I focus more on how the father feels about the situation and let him describe more on how the experience was of slowly watching his son succumb to the strange disease?

Yes, I feel like that could accentuate more on the horror and the emotional theme you want to display.

What sort of protocol would the MTF have to follow during the interview?

Protocol such as sticking to answering the questions in the interview (the event, what happened, etc). Going too much into the body horror during the interview might actually be redundant because I'm assuming this happened after the event, and the Foundation would have already captured it and saw what it looked like. This is why I highly recommend turning this into a tale.

Overall, I still personally don't think this will work as an SCP. There may be a slight chance it could work as a tale, but that's really up to you.

Re: Stomach Flu

Jymbo 10 Jul 2020 23:10

Hello, I have a couple more questions. I also want to thank you for taking the time to read and critique my concept.

1. Its difficult to include more detail with the 400-word limit as to add detail I have to shorten the story down to fit within that limit. Should I instead write down the basic plot and make changes from that and worry about the detail when writing the draft?
2. Should I incorporate a journal? I think that if I incorporated a journal, then it would better help convey emotion and horror to the reader as it would help the reader understand the father more and could show more of his character. I also think that a journal could help give a more in-depth description of the symptoms of the illness and provide the father's reaction to the changes happening to his son.
3. Is there a guide on writing tales?
4. I want to change the concept a bit so I made a change to the worms so they use the stomach of the infected as a home and alter the body to make is stronger and more resistant so it can handle the acidic vomit. The worms would utilize the projectile vomiting by riding the stream onto a target in which the acidity of the vomit would help them travel into the stomach after they are inside they repair the openings and begin to reproduce. How does this idea sound?

Last edited on 11 Jul 2020 21:43 by Jymbo Show more

Re: Stomach Flu

Truc Linh 12 Jul 2020 02:01

PM request acknowledged.

---

+ More crit crit

Should I instead write down the basic plot and make changes from that and worry about the detail when writing the draft?

Yes, that would be the best choice.

Should I incorporate a journal?

I personally recommend not to. Journals are also something heavily overused. I think it will be better if you presented the story in real time. Having a journal would constrain it to just the father's thoughts and not leave enough room to properly flesh out all the other important characters you have displayed, also detaching the horror and emotional theme because the audience wouldn't care as much for the other characters (such as the son) since they were not fleshed out as much as the father was.

Is there a guide on writing tales?

This is the only one I could find at the moment:
•Essays By A Hack: Writing Tales
http://www.scp-wiki.net/essays-by-a-hack-writing-tales#toc1

What aspect of the concept gave you vibes of the Aeon worm or the Gem Corruption?

OBVIOUS SPOILER WARNING:

The mind of the infected change as the worms take control of the host's body

This bears a striking resemblance to the Aeon Worm because the Worm itself manipulates Beth's father, Beth herself and a few others as seen here:
•https://youtu.be/X8mRiDdOW5c (1:34-4:30)
And here (slightly mature content warning even though the show is aimed at teens):
•https://youtu.be/ngC-42f9ecA (0:30-2:20)

the creature also suffers as their mind slowly changes as they become more animalistic and lose their humanity

This reminded me of Steven's on going mental health which lead to his gem corruption:
•https://youtu.be/nrPeZu7ZuN0
•https://youtu.be/lAJEsBleRJs

Is there a guide on writing tales?

This is the only one I could find:
•Essays By A Hack: Writing Tales
http://www.scp-wiki.net/essays-by-a-hack-writing-tales

I made a change to the worms so they use the stomach of the infected as a home and alter the body to make is stronger and more resistant so it can handle the acidic vomit. The worms would utilize the projectile vomiting by riding the stream onto a target in which the acidity of the vomit would help them travel into the stomach after they are inside they repair the openings and begin to reproduce.

I personally find this less compelling. Again, it is something very generic and parasitic like. This also opens a plot hole: how would the Foundation be able to accurately confirm this? It seems way too complex.

Overall, like many other reviewers before me said: this entire concept is too generic. Because you seem very keen on pursuing it, I'd recommend delving into fleshing out the characters you have. Personality that is given to the characters, if executed well, is what might make your concept more unique from the other similar ones. Take Avatar: The Last Airbender for example. It has a generic war story line, but the fleshing out of the important characters is one of the aspects that made it a compelling and memorable television series. Focus more on the relationships within your concept in order for your audience to understand why the events the father went through heavily affected him.

Last edited on 12 Jul 2020 02:02 by Truc Linh Show more