The Head of Pancho Villa

Summary:

The decapitated head of Pancho Villa comes back to life.

The Head of Pancho Villa

Comrade Waldo 09 Jun 2020 00:04

Seeking Greenlights: Yes

Page Type: SCP Article

Page Layout: Item Number. Object Class. Special Containment Procedures. Description. Interview Logs and an Addendum on update of the containment procedures.

Elevator Pitch: A ritual is performed on the decapitated head of Mexican revolutionary Pancho Villa. The head gains sentience and sapience. Every time someone appropriates of SCP-XXXX head for too long will result in a series of events with negative consequences for the people who own the head.

Central Narrative: Arnulfo Gómez decapitated the head of Pancho Villa and sold it to William Randolph Hearst, a member of MC&D because he wanted the head of Villa as a trophy. Because of the hatred of Hearst towards Villa, he decided to perform a ritual to bring back Villa's head to life, so he can see Villa's incapacity to not do anything against him. Because of SCP-XXXX's anomalous abilities, and almost thirty years of property by part of Hearst, he dies because of SCP-XXXX's abilities.

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After he died in 1951, MC&D decided to appropriate the head and sell it to members of the GOI as a trophy. During the interview logs Villa will talk about his owners and how did it feel to be a simple living statue, not capable of doing anything to avoid it. MC&D found out of SCP-XXXX's abilities to bring bad luck and even death to people who possess it for too much time, it contacts the Foundation to contain it, but also a danger for staff and the Foundation. Because of SCP-XXXX's ability to bring bad luck to people who keep it, it's constantly changed between GOIs cooperative to the Foundation.

Hook/Attention-Grabber: The fact that in our universe nobody knows where or what happened to the head makes it more intriguing to give it an anomalous background, but that's my opinion. And the narrative that I constructed is some theories of what happened to the head.

Additional Notes: Any concerns about the narrative or containment procedures let me know.

P.D: Special thanks to Dr. Sage Evergreen for reviewing my concept and help me expand my idea!

As a courtesy to our readers on mobile devices, please collapse long posts. Also, please note the Ideas Critique required reading wordcount limit; your post is about 13 words over. ~Zyn

Last edited on 20 Jun 2020 00:46 by Comrade Waldo Show more

Forum Criticism Team - Captain Post

Zyn 10 Jun 2020 05:12

Since this thread has fallen to page 6 with no responses, this is a quick staff reminder to the author that if you haven't yet, you should contact reviewers directly to request feedback as needed.

Please refer to this thread for more information: http://www.scp-wiki.net/forum/t-13282692/how-to-get-more-reviews

If you have already reached out to multiple reviewers and received no reply, notify a staff member for assistance finding a reviewer.

Re: The Head of Pancho Villa

cybersqyd 10 Jun 2020 14:39

There's a lot of interesting history stuff around this idea but it feels…like it's kinda being let down by a very generic anomaly? I'm not sure that it very slowly bringing bad luck open people is necessary here since like, you're not really exploring that angle of it much, and instead seeming to focus on the history of this?

That said: you're intending to mainly tell this via Interview Logs: I'm not exactly sure how this is going to work? Are they just going to ask the head about stuff and have it tell them? It feels perhaps like this is narratively very flat: the foundation gets a weird thing, the weird thing dumps a bunch of info on them, the weird thing gets shipped around a bunch: what this really needs is some kind of conflict, stakes or growth here. Like, some way in which the final situation is fundamentally different from the start situation beyond just 'the Foundation knows more': perhaps the statue gets more accustomed to it's role, or perhaps it reveals some kind of important knowledge about MC&D operations or something?

Re: The Head of Pancho Villa

Comrade Waldo 10 Jun 2020 22:09

Hello cyberqsd!

First of all, thank you for giving me feedback, I really appreciate it. As I see, you're concerned about the anomaly abilities, and the narrative being kinda bland. So I decided to expand it a little bit. I plan to do the interview logs more emotional and tragic for the SCP, instead of just telling Foundation employees of how it gained its abilities. Explaining how he felt being a mere trophy. How his owners would just have it in a desk or wall, without being able to do anything about it, just staring. How he felt when he was giving bad luck or even killing its owners, how he found revenge in that. How he feels to still be alive, without the possibility to even move.

About your idea of giving information to the Foundation about MC&D operations is a nice thought, and I decided to include it in the narrative. But also, after giving the Foundation information about MC&D, they decide to hire GOC operatives to try and terminate the head. I also would like to ask about the thought of containing the anomaly in different GOIs helpful to the Foundation (the GOIs I've thought about was the UIU, and formerly MC&D and the GOC).

Re: The Head of Pancho Villa

Captain Cold 10 Jun 2020 17:25

Hey there, I can't hand out any greenlights but I'm more than happy to crit your idea!
I've said before, I'm a sucker for historical SCPs and here it certainly seems like you've done your research. This information probably isn't know by most and you can use that to your advantage to increase intrigue. However, there are a few points that need clarification. If Hearst wanted reanimate the head as a trophy, why would he give it the power to levitate? I wouldn't want to have to worry about this trophy floating away. The next concern is an introduction of a GOI I haven't heard of. This isn't to say it isn't already mentioned in other articles, but when introducing a GOI or utilizing a not well known one you have to be careful in your details. Does it have to be this GOI or would there be the same impact if they weren't included? Finally I'll echo a little of what cybersqyd said, that the bad luck aspect of the SCP seems to not really work with the rest of what you wrote here. That aside it doesn't seem like much more than a floating head of a historical figure, perhaps delve into his psyche? Things he has been forced to witness, perhaps other anomalous things or insight to one of the GOIs? That's all I got for now, hope it helps!

Re: The Head of Pancho Villa

Comrade Waldo 10 Jun 2020 21:48

Hello Captain Cold, how's it going?

First of all, thank you for giving feedback for my concept, I really appreciate it! I decided to follow some of your suggestions, and I'll also answer you in some of your doubts. I'll take away the levitation in the SCP ability, since it would be difficult for people to keep it as a trophy. About the "GOI" it isn't a real GOI in the SCP Universe, about their impact, it's because of Skull & Bones of how the head managed to come back to life, but I can change it to a more known GOI in the SCP Universe, though I don't know which GOI is more related to historical SCPs, of you could suggest one I would appreciate it.
About both your concern with cybersqyd, yes, I plan to develop this SCP psyche. Things like how he felt while being just a trophy, since he was an important revolutionary and a symbol of bravery. How people would stare at him, laughing, how he's now a simple living head inside a box, and incapable of doing nothing to change that. How he found satisfaction when the people who kept him imprisoned started to have bad things, and even died, because of him.
That's all I got to say, for now, I hope this has helped you have a more clear look of my concept. Thank you very much!

Re: The Head of Pancho Villa

Supposedly Spooky 12 Jun 2020 04:59

A discord discussion, primarily discussing SCP design and narrative structure is shortened below for your convenience.

• Give examples of bad luck stuff.
• Make head more sinister.
• Disembodied head is bad design-wise. :/
• Is the head self-aware? If so, what does it think of itself?
• What is its motivation for revenge?
• How could you make its existence more painful?
• Maybe take a person he cared for.

Anyway, I dearly hope that I was helpful and I wish you the best of luck!

Re: The Head of Pancho Villa

Mew-ltiverse 12 Jun 2020 23:00

Hey, placeholder! I was asked to review this and will do so shortly. ^^

Okay so I like this idea in general, I think the insight into a being that can't do anything and feels powerless is interesting, and it has interesting history. You've been greenlit and there isn't much I can say really that hasn't been covered, sorry for taking so long to get to this. Feel free to ask me to crit the draft!

Last edited on 21 Jun 2020 03:22 by Mew-ltiverse Show more

Re: The Head of Pancho Villa

DianaBerry 18 Jun 2020 00:40

[Placeholder, summoned by pm, will critique asap]

 ♥*♡Open Critique♥*♡

Every time someone appropriates of SCP-XXXX head for too long will result in bad luck, and even death.

What does this sentence mean? I've read it over several times, and I still can't figure out what you mean by "some appropriates of SCP-XXXX head".

As I read on, I see you explained this more clearly later on, but I would suggest clarifying it here too.

Most of my concerns are the same as Cyber's. You seem to have detailed history with a rather basic anomaly. And the whole thing seems kind of hard to simply condense to interview logs. And the thing of bringing back luck is again rather simple. I love history, I always have, but this here doesn't feel like it's really using the historical aspect to its advantage. You clearly have a story you want to tell, and you have a lot of neat elements, but a lot of them conflict with each other making the thing as a whole a bit messy. All the death and bad luck that happens feels a bit cliche. Personally, I would find a way to tell the story that suits the specific story contents better. Just sharing it through interview logs feels like it would limit the true potential of the story.

Overall, my best advice would be to listen to what the other authors are saying, all are pretty much saying what I have to say in better words. Restructure things, step away from cliches, try to compliment the historical aspect better, etc etc as listed above.

Hope I could help! Good luck!

Last edited on 18 Jun 2020 21:20 by DianaBerry Show more

Re: The Head of Pancho Villa

The Pighead 18 Jun 2020 19:28

Had been summoned by the author with a PM, so here I come. Pighead In, let's take a look at your idea.

Elevator Pitch : There seems to be a good start for this one. Not bad and I admit that I would know more about the exact ritual. I'm just skeptical about its anomalous effects, the "bad luck" thing, because it seems way too unrelated to the context we have with Villa and Hearst. Why not doing something more related to the history of Pancho? I mean, I'm not totally an expert about the history of Villa and all the things he did as a revolutionary, but I think you should probably explore the history of the man for searching an other anomalous effect. For the rest, seems good.

Central Narrative : This is more interesting. I feel that this story has some potential, especially the "because of its effects, we need to pass this head to multiple GoIs" part. And even if I had recommanded you to change the anomalous effect, I think that you should keep this part of the narrative, it could be really interesting to see how each GoI deal with that. It will require to read with attention hubs of many GoIs, but it could be interesting. Oh, and the historic background is also interesting.

Hook : You're right about the fact that it's pretty intriguing. And honestly, if your theories about that are the cement of your narrative, I encourage you to use them!

And that's all for me. I admit that, even if the story is not the most original of the world, it's intriguing enough for me and I'm curious about what you can do with this one. So, here's a tentative greenlight! Congrats, author. And I will leave it like that, because Mew & Diana had still not post their reviews. When they will post, listen closely to what they say. That's all for me, Pighead Out.

Re: The Head of Pancho Villa

Dr Sage Evergreen 18 Jun 2020 23:10

Hey Angel! What's up?
As mentioned in our conversations via Discord, this is nothing short of a intriguing topic with an original storyline and intriguing containment procedures. Most of my concerns you have already covered, or have been discussed by other critiquers. Although this concept does seem a bit iffy in some areas, specifically explaining the historical significance of the SCP, I'm sure your creative storywriting skils will be able to pull you through! Certainly do keep pming me about the concept through the draft stage, as I'm excited to see where it ends up!

That being said, have a greenlight!