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An mysterious entry in the Mariana Trench, that leads to the Earth's Core. (P.S. My first SCP idea)
I moved and trimmed your thread summary, since it was taking up extra space in the main forum screen. Try to keep thread descriptions (the text in the little box under the thread title) and titles short so you don't crowd out other authors in the forum listing. ~Zyn
…
CiroelSeyer
Seeking Greenlights: Yes
Page Type: SCP Article
Genre: Horror, Action, & History
Page Layout: Default - ConProcs > Desc > Initial Discovery > Historical Records > 1 Incident Report > 1 Discovery Log of Another Anomaly > Pending Proposal to turn that Anomaly into an SCP > Short Note by the Site Director on why they are lucky the Church hasn't found out about it yet, and why they never should (Conclusion)
Elevator Pitch: A mysterious entry deep in the Mariana Trench, that occasionally sends magma versions of living and extinct large sea predators, above surface. The creatures then seek to 'locate' some other missing artifacts. The portal can be temporarily disabled if "damaged".
Central Narrative: The narrative details the events on how the Foundation manage to discover and contain it. They also form an alliance to the natives living in the nearby isles, cuz they proved to have historical information, and useful in containing said anomaly. The portal's origin will also be revealed at the very end.
Hook/Attention-Grabber:
Additional Notes: N/A
CiroelSeyer
I think this is a very cool idea so props to you for writing about what you love. However, it’s too OP to be interesting as an SCP and in my opinion, doesn’t connect to the audience. You’re going too deep into back story and it needs to be simpler and punchier.
I don’t actually know what I’m talking about so take this with a grain of salt XD. Just thought I could help.
Maravillosa
Okay, I'll try to make it simpler as I can, and possibly kinda nerf my Skip. Thanks for the feedback BTW :D
CiroelSeyer
For starters, I think that this is a lot, especially for a first SCP document, I think that you should tone back all the complexities in this document. I think you should shorten it to one thing, manga monsters from deep below the sea. That's a cool creature concept, and I myself would probably make stuff like native lore around it, maybe about how they hunted them, or maybe the natives live underground and they use the beings for light. Though this is all stuff to chew on, though still my initial suggestion of toning back detail still stands.
King of the Meese
Thank you so much for replying, I highly appreciate it.
and I myself would probably make stuff like native lore around it, maybe about how they hunted them, or maybe the natives live underground and they use the beings for light.
I am also planning to focus on that story aspect BTW, through some addendums, and also detail how the skips and natives coexist with the Sarkics and Broken Church's long history. (I've already read each of their own GOI hubs, and some important tales BTW; just to make myself ready)
For starters, I think that this is a lot, especially for a first SCP document, I think that you should tone back all the complexities in this document.
Okay, I understand. But my reason for that is because I want to create something original and "twisty" for CorpseCon (like what it's desc said). I am trying to write something refreshing, rather than just writing cliche folklore sea monsters. (Since there's already a lot of those in the site)
I also aim to make that article short but straightforward, to enable easy reading.
CiroelSeyer
I'm really not sure about this conceptually; it feels…too much like you're just doing pacific rim but in the Foundation-verse, and with magma monsters instead of kaiju.
There's also a kinda, lack of feeling of this telling a coherent story? There's some events mentioned but they don't really feel like they're building towards something; and I'm not sure how all the stuff you've listed in the "Hook/Attention Grabber" section is going to be tied in here (particularly if you're wanting to keep this short: there's a lot of complexity here for a short article).
Beyond this: so what? Like, what does involving the Sarkics/Broken God here add? How are you wanting to make a reader feel about all this?
Thank you so much for the feedback!
Pacific rim but in the Foundation-verse, and with magma monsters instead of kaiju.
Geez, I've never thought about it in that angle, thanks. But I could assure you that it's totally different, since the portal doesn't lead to an another dimension, but instead directly to the Earth's Outer Core Layer (so technically, it's still in this planet, it's just teleporting those creatures above ground).
Also, it isn't in my plans to add some comic book-esque fight scenes in the article, so that it could still fit with the site's preferred genres.
There's also a kinda, lack of feeling of this telling a coherent story? There's some events mentioned but they don't really feel like they're building towards something; and I'm not sure how all the stuff you've listed in the "Hook/Attention Grabber" section is going to be tied in here (particularly if you're wanting to keep this short: there's a lot of complexity here for a short article).
Oh sorry about that, I forgot to detail that part further. Anyways, I am planning to make the article's narrative flow like this:
Despite this, I am also aware of my idea's complexity, and I aim to write only the most informative bits, for the addendums (My goal is to possibly write like, only 1-2 documents per said addendums).
How are you wanting to make a reader feel about all this?
Oh yes, I am trying to convey the fear of an existensial and folklore horror, just like SCP-169, since I am trying to portray the anomaly as actually one of the reasons for the Earth's natural occurrences (A.K.A. Pacific Ring of Fire's volcanic activities)
Beyond this: so what? Like, what does involving the Sarkics/Broken God here add?
Oh for that, I just like to make the skip to be more 'impactful' and 'relevant' to the Foundationverse, by connecting it to some well-known GOIs (Just like what other regular and corpsecon Skips did). I also based that idea to something I've read months ago, about on how to write SCPs; which states:1
You could write about mythological or folklore-esque SCPs, as long as you add some Foundation-twist and elements with it.
CiroelSeyer
I'm…kinda really torn on this, conceptually. Like, on the one hand, the idea of this being about like, this grand conflict between the Sarkics and the COTBG sounds really fun, and the idea of the Church using magma monsters is definitely engaging; but I can't help but feel like what you want to do with it feels…too low-key for the concept?
I…kinda think this might need more of an involvement from the Sarkics here: perhaps it'd work better as e.g, a tale from the perspective of a sarkic trying to like, defend themselves against Mehkanes monsters than it would as a SCP where the Sarkics are kinda relegated to a background role?
Tbf, I think that's my concern with your whole narrative arc here: there's a lot of this big conflict underpinning it, but it doesn't really feel like it's shaping the arc so much as being just used as set dressing?
I…kinda think this might need more of an involvement from the Sarkics here: perhaps it'd work better as e.g, a tale from the perspective of a sarkic trying to like, defend themselves against Mehkanes monsters than it would as a SCP where the Sarkics are kinda relegated to a background role?
Oh yeah, It's also in my plans you see (I've also already mention about that with the previous critter above). But then again, I am planning to elaborate the Sarkics involvement in this skips through some addendums, like the History and Incident Reports.
Tbf, I think that's my concern with your whole narrative arc here: there's a lot of this big conflict underpinning it, but it doesn't really feel like it's shaping the arc so much as being just used as set dressing?
Noted, I am already revising that part in my plans. Although initially, I was planning to try detailing that narrative arc once I've finally started writing that article's draft. Then again, thanks for the feedback :D
CiroelSeyer
[Placeholder, summoned by PM, will respond within 24 hours.]
My primary concern is that you're overcomplicating things for yourself. I'd specifically recommend axing the portal aspect, both because it does conjure imagery of Pacific Rim and because it'd be more straightforward to say it's an entry into the outer mantle, somehow. In PR, the portal made sense because the Kaiju come from another dimension; if the part of Mekhane is in the Earth, and the portal is already inside the Earth, then there's not that same justification.
Secondarily, what do the monsters mean, within the narrative? What is the part of Mekhane? What is the reader supposed to liken them to that could make them scared on a personal level? Are they an existential threat, or a reminder of the alien-ness of our Earth, or… what?
The island natives were actually members of the Sarkic cults, and the select few was used to do rituals to assist on the containment.
This is interesting framing. Usually Mekhane gets framed as the container and Yaldy gets casted as the beast being trapped; are you interested in playing around with this role switch?
Once again, thank you so much for the feedback!
My primary concern is that you're overcomplicating things for yourself. I'd specifically recommend axing the portal aspect, both because it does conjure imagery of Pacific Rim and because it'd be more straightforward to say it's an entry into the outer mantle, somehow.
Done, I've already fixed that in this thread's description and plans
In PR, the portal made sense because the Kaiju come from another dimension; if the part of Mekhane is in the Earth, and the portal is already inside the Earth, then there's not that same justification.
Oh yeah, sorry I forgot to clarify that part. What I am trying to say in that part is that, Mekhane's part is the one responsible for the portal's creation. Mekhane's part is underground, and the portal it creates is above ground (but in a sense its still deep under water in the Mariana's Trench). He also send his minions instead, because for some unknown reasons (which I will explain further in the article) the actual part can't come out.
Secondarily, what do the monsters mean, within the narrative?
Oh yeah, about that. The reason why those monsters are modelled after those creatures is because; First, they are underwater, so it needs some creatures that could swim. Second, It's because Mekhane's part wanted to model his 'minions' based on the strongest sea predators that ever lived on Earth. Lastly, it's also because Mekhane's part have been there for billions of years, that is why it probably 'researched' those creatures at some point in time.
What is the part of Mekhane?
I am planning to make it a mystery, since that part has melted and molded so bad for a very long period of time, it became so undistinguishable.
Are they an existential threat, or a reminder of the alien-ness of our Earth, or… what?
Both the first, two previous choices.
This is interesting framing. Usually Mekhane gets framed as the container and Yaldy gets casted as the beast being trapped; are you interested in playing around with this role switch?
Yes I am. It's also because, I wanted to play on the idea, that the Sarkics is also stopping their rival Church's repair of their god, so that theirs will succeed instead.
CiroelSeyer
Both the first, two previous choices.
Okay, that's the point I'd like to hit on a little bit more. What I was trying to get at in that line of questioning was that I'm not sensing a particular thematic throughline. The framing of the story suggests that they can't be an "existential" threat if they're relatively locally contained, unless you're referring to the existence of the Foundation's no-collaboration policy with Sarkicism1.
I can't believe I didn't bring this up before, but will there be any principle characters that we'll be following? If so, how would they relate to the monsters? What would make the SCP specifically and particularly scary to them, beyond the threat of injury/death?
I can't believe I didn't bring this up before, but will there be any principle characters that we'll be following?
I am also thinking about that. The characters on my line of choices are probably (not sure if gonna include all) the Site Director, Head Researcher, Some Researcher, MTF General.
The framing of the story suggests that they can't be an "existential" threat if they're relatively locally contained, unless you're referring to the existence of the Foundation's no-collaboration policy with Sarkicism.
Yeah about that, I wanted to apologize. I misunderstood what your meaning about the existensial horror part awhile back, sorry my bad. The only horror I've only wanted to portray on my article is the alienness bit, that's all.
CiroelSeyer
Character interpretations of the monsters and the interactions between each other seem like they're something you might want to consider. They go a long way in investing readers in the action; unfortunately, they're painfully hard to write convincingly, and you may want to avoid having in-depth characterization if you don't want to overcomplicate things.
Regardless, how are you intending to convey that sense of alienness to the reader, and how will it change upon the reveal of the part of Mekhane generating the SCP?
Character interpretations of the monsters and the interactions between each other seem like they're something you might want to consider. They go a long way in investing readers in the action; unfortunately, they're painfully hard to write convincingly, and you may want to avoid having in-depth characterization if you don't want to overcomplicate things.
Noted, I copy that sarge.
Regardless, how are you intending to convey that sense of alienness to the reader, and how will it change upon the reveal of the part of Mekhane generating the SCP?
I wanted to play on the universal fact that, "we know more about our galaxy, than our own oceans and earth underneath". I want to make the readers feel a slight sense of pseudo-relief by making them think that the magma monsters are just a single anomaly on their own. When in fact, its a part of greater, and much larger anomaly underneath our own planet; that is also responsible for half of it's natural geological disasters. This now somehow slightly changes their perception on how they view this Earth's geology, making them ask lots of questions.
CiroelSeyer
If you can effectively build that theme and tension throughout the article, it sounds like it would deliver a good pay-off. I'll greenlight this.
Hooray! Thank you so much :D
CiroelSeyer
Hmmm. Skimming through what the others had said, my mind can't get away from the huge Pacific Rim-esque stuff here; I've only like, watched the first movie and that was like, quite a long time ago, but from what I remember, the whole "portal where sea predators emerge from" really gives me those vibes. Though, I don't think that's a huge hindrance for now, I guess.
Keep note that I'm definitely not well-versed with GoIs like the Sarkic cults and the CotBG; from my perspective, the Sarkic cults feel a bit of a shoehorning in? I think I can understand where the Church comes in, but it feels… a little under elaborated on how the cults really contain a portal where reanimated sea predators emerge from? I'm a little unsure how the Foundation speculates that this huge magma lifeform is really linked to the Church at all; I think the molten metal bit isn't a whole lot of a strong connection to it?
How does the Foundation know the magma-like entity is indeed sapient? I'm not sure if they would be able to come to that conclusion purely from analyzing that the Pacific Ring of Fire is usually really active in terms of volcanic activity? I guess I can get behind the SCP-169-ish feel to it where there's a gigantic monstrous being underneath Earth, but I'm not extremely sure about how the Foundation comes to several conclusions and how they eventually reach to the point where this entity was indeed Mekhane? What do the constructs do after it gets out of the portal? How does that kinda fulfill Mekhane's aims?
(account deleted), 12 Jun 2020 12:41
Thank you so much for your feedback!
Keep note that I'm definitely not well-versed with GoIs like the Sarkic cults and the CotBG; from my perspective, the Sarkic cults feel a bit of a shoehorning in?
That's alright. Although, the Sarkic cults isn't actually shoehorning in, since according to their Hub, they have hundreds of thousands of better all around the globe, and they are also known rivals with the CotBG. Which make sense on why they assist the Foundation to prevent the rival cult's discovery of this anomaly, so that they would stop them from repairing their god too.
I'm a little unsure how the Foundation speculates that this huge magma lifeform is really linked to the Church at all; I think the molten metal bit isn't a whole lot of a strong connection to it? How does the Foundation know the magma-like entity is indeed sapient? I'm not sure if they would be able to come to that conclusion purely from analyzing that the Pacific Ring of Fire is usually really active in terms of volcanic activity?
Oh yeah, I am also planning to give that molten metal the ability to telepathically 'converse'1 with people, just like SCP-882, which is another part of the Broken God BTW. (Which also gives me the idea to add an 1 Interview Log too)
Which brings us to our next point. Since the Foundation had already some experience in dealing with Broken God- related artifacts at the past, they conclude that the entity is indeed sapient and might be a part of Mekhane, because it has been proven with the evidences that it has the ability to converse, adapt with its problems, increased volcanic activity at the PROF, and lastly, its because he's metal…
What do the constructs do after it gets out of the portal? How does that kinda fulfill Mekhane's aims?
There, I've already fixed it in this thread's description. The construct's plan were like this:
CiroelSeyer
I mean, yeah, I guess your explanation on why the Sarkic cults are used does fit; I think like it was a little under-explained for me to quite get the connection between cultists who worship flesh and preventing the portal from like, opening up to let the constructs past.
I'm still… a little iffy on the Pacific Ring of Fire and its ability to talk as well as adapt accordingly being the primary explanations of how the Foundation theorizes that this being is Mekhane, or something related to the Church. I think I can get the metal part, but the others… don't really convince me that this is kinda related to the CotBG much? But I think the constructs going out and like, consuming metallic stuff… does sorta give a bit of the connection, I guess?
Idk. The narrative… while being there, it feels… weird? Like, all this feels like some big alien v. human battle, which has been done before in films; in the SCP context, it feels… weirdly Hollywood-ish? Thinking about it, I'm not sure if the ending hits hard enough. It's fun to play around with a massive lifeform under us like how SCP-169 did, but once you tell us that a lifeform (regardless of whether it's sapient or not) under Earth, the fact that it's indeed sapient… doesn't necessarily hit the right mark for me? Idk, maybe I'm not the best person to ask here; I'm neither well-versed with Sarkic cults nor the CotBG, so I could be totally wrong in my judgement.
(account deleted), 13 Jun 2020 07:39
Okay, I understand your point. Thanks anyway for the feedback you gave :D
I'm still… a little iffy on the Pacific Ring of Fire and its ability to talk as well as adapt accordingly being the primary explanations of how the Foundation theorizes that this being is Mekhane, or something related to the Church. I think I can get the metal part, but the others… don't really convince me that this is kinda related to the CotBG much? But I think the constructs going out and like, consuming metallic stuff… does sorta give a bit of the connection, I guess?
Yeah about that. Maybe I could just repitch the idea from, the Foundation being 100% sure it is Mekhane's part, to just speculating it and is still looking for hints, just like what you tryna suggest.
Idk. The narrative… while being there, it feels… weird? Like, all this feels like some big alien v. human battle, which has been done before in films; in the SCP context, it feels… weirdly Hollywood-ish?
Okay, I understand this one too; but despite this, I aim to make sure the article still meets this site preferred genres and writing styles. Hell, 008 is literally just a cliche zombie virus imported in the Foundationverse, yet people still admire it due to the way it was written. So I guess its kinda safe to say to give my "alien vs. humans" idea/concept a go as well, as long as I also do that correctly.
CiroelSeyer
I mean, it's fine if you feel that what I said is incorrect or iffy; it's just advice I'm giving ya :P You're free to completely ignore what I said.
008 is literally just a cliche zombie virus imported in the Foundationverse
This is true; it is just a zombie virus; yet given how it was like, written during the early years of the site where writing standards weren't as stringent as today, I think 008, or basically, nearly all of Series I/II stuff stays there mostly because of history sake, imo.
I'm personally fine with the "alien v. human" deal, and yeah, as long as you execute it nicely, it could work, despite the core concept being part of relatively well-trod ground. However, in this case, I'm still unsure; skips that involve high stakes feel a little more difficult to do; you can certainly go for it, but I'm just concerned that going for something a little too ambitious could possibly lead to the lack in focus sometimes.
(account deleted), 14 Jun 2020 11:26
Okay, I noted that. I'll try my best to focus on the core concept and keep the concept simpler. Thanks again for the crit, really appreciated it :D
CiroelSeyer
Elevator Pitch: A mysterious entry deep in the Mariana Trench, that occasionally sends magma versions of living and extinct large sea predators, above surface. The creatures then seek to 'locate' some other missing artifacts. The portal can be temporarily disabled if "damaged".
Okay, so with how deep the Mariana Trench is, how does the magma not solidify into rock by the time these entities reach the surface rendering them immobile? Unless I'm missing something, I suggest finding some scientifically reasonable way for them to remain animated rather than just explaining it away as some secondary anomalous property as this may be seen as lazy to some people.
As for these "artifacts" you speak of, what's their significance to the SCP itself, and could you go into detail on what they are exactly? I suggest forming a story around the correlation between the two things and why the entities produced by the SCP are trying to find them and what the result would be, should they be successful in their searches.
Regarding "damage" being a way to temporarily disable to SCP, this doesn't really make any sense. Is there something specific about the SCP's physical structure that's responsible for its anomalous properties? But if that's the case, destruction of the cause of the SCP's anomalous properties would invariably result in its neutralization so I'm not quite sure how this 'weakness' would work realistically speaking.
- As years go by, it has been gradually harder to disable the portal.
How so? Is the material the SCP's made of getting more durable or is there some other factor I'm not aware of? In my opinion, the whole idea of an object becoming more adapted to whatever the Foundation's doing to it to the point where they're losing control over it is quite cliché with it being found throughout many of the articles on-site. As such, I suggest revising this part to make it more unique and overall interesting; adding features that have a reason for the object the change and how it's doing this.
- The island natives were actually members of the Sarkic cults, and the select few was used to do rituals to assist on the containment.
Wait, what do the Sarkics have to do with this? Your core anomaly has nothing to do with Sarkic value nor does it have any noticeable relations to the group. This honestly seems really forced so I suggest removing them from the story entirely. You may be able to work a cult-like group in, but I suggest you leave the Sarkics out unless you have a very specific reason for including them.
- The portal was actually created by another anomaly deep within the Earth's Outer Core Layer. It is a large amorphous amalgamation of magma and molten metal (obviously). Debates on whether it is sentient or/and sapient is ongoing.
So how are you going to be including this being into the story? I highly advise against just name dropping this thing unless you're going to give it a major role in the story and characterization. I recommend giving this entity motivations for creating the SCP in the first place and what its end goals are. Right now, I suggest working on developing what the being's purpose in the story is.
- It is speculated that the anomaly was another missing part of the Broken Church's God, Mekhane; and it has been trying to find a way out of it's location, by sending his constructs, which are the magma sea creatures. The artifacts this creatures try to find are also Mekhane's missing parts, and once they've successfully located it, they will shapeshift into something suitable to track it.
Hmm, okay, I'm quite intrigued by this part and there aren't really any concerns I have regarding it. My only suggestion is to make sure you lay this out in a clear and concise manner that makes sense in the overall story you have planned.
- There's also a pending proposal document to turn this anomaly into an another SCP in the end, and the former anomalies mention be sub-SCPs of this instead.
Um, what? You'll have to get back to me on what this means as I have no idea what you're trying to convey with this.
Okay, so I feel very meh in terms of the whole story. I do like some aspects like the fact that the SCP is part of the Broken God; however, your base-anomaly isn't well defined in terms of how it works and the logistics behind it. As for your driving narrative as a whole, it's quite vague (at least in how you described it in summary) in how you'll be formatting it and how exactly the bullet points you mentioned will be woven into the story in a manner that allows it to flow properly. So overall, I think this still needs some work as the narrative feels a bit off to me and could use some serious fleshing out.
Hexick, SCP Wiki Operational Staff, Community Outreach/MAST/Licensing
Personal site: http://hexhouse.wikidot.com/
Feel free to forward any concerns or inquiries to my Wikidot inbox.
PM request acknowledged.
T.L. at your service!
Since you have confirmed that the post was edited based on the reviews prior, I will not skim through everyone else's feedback, and I thank you for that. :3
Oki doki, on to the crit. There is a whole lot going on here, and the focus is all over the place. You've stated the the events, but there's just too much going on to really dive into the important context.
Moving on, the narrative itself seems rather mundane as it's just the Foundation discovering and containing an anomaly. That's pretty much in almost every SCP article. There's not enough context provided behind this to really make it interesting.
They also form an alliance to the natives living in the nearby isles, cuz they proved to have historical information, and useful in containing said anomaly.
I'm not very well acquainted with the Sarkic Cult and the Church of The Broken God, but where/how did the natives get such information? It just seems too convenient since some of them are cult members and/or have such info.
The portal was actually created by another anomaly deep within the Earth's Outer Core Layer.
How did they ever figure something out like this? Was it all conveniently part of the historical info?
It is speculated that the anomaly was another missing part of the Broken Church's God, Mekhane; and it has been trying to find a way out of it's location, by sending his constructs, which are the magma sea creatures. The artifacts this creatures try to find are also Mekhane's missing parts, and once they've successfully located it, they will shapeshift into something suitable to track it.
How did they come to this speculation? What made them believe that this is connected to Mekhane?
Overall, I feel like the narrative was too rushed since it's all about the anomalies being discovered then contained. It doesn't really leave much room for context I'm looking for. Not only that, but I feel like too much information was heavily crammed into this. If it were toned down a bit, I could see it as a possible tale instead of an SCP article. For now, no greenlight yet.
Thank you so much for the feedback!
Moving on, the narrative itself seems rather mundane as it's just the Foundation discovering and containing an anomaly. That's pretty much in almost every SCP article. There's not enough context provided behind this to really make it interesting.
I am planning to broaden the narrative through the addendums, like its History; some Incidents Reports about previous encounters; an Incident Report detailing how the portal is growing more 'stubborn'; Discovery Log where they discovered there's a bigger anomaly behind this; and a pending proposal to turn that into an SCP, and a short closing statement.
I'm not very well acquainted with the Sarkic Cult and the Church of The Broken God, but where/how did the natives get such information? It just seems too convenient since some of them are cult members and/or have such info.
The natives have encounter this creatures since the past, that's why they have historical accounts of it, and has also became a part of their folklore/legends/mythology. I am also planning to detail the part where the natives discover a way to temporarily disable the portal, through the History addendum.
How did they ever figure something out like this? Was it all conveniently part of the historical info?
No, the Foundation only discovered about that later on; when they decided to do some geological studies/experiments in the Marianas Trench, and find the portal's point of origin (which is actually just an opening to the Earth's core).
How did they come to this speculation? What made them believe that this is connected to Mekhane?
Its because the entity also has the ability to telepathically communicate with people, just like SCP-882, which is speculated as another part of Mekhane BTW.
Given that the Foundation already had some experience dealing with Broken God-related artifacts in the past, they have come to that speculation as well, since other evidence also suggest so, like:
The magma creatures also proved to be a hint for the Mekhane connection, since:
Overall, I feel like the narrative was too rushed since it's all about the anomalies being discovered then contained. It doesn't really leave much room for context I'm looking for. Not only that, but I feel like too much information was heavily crammed into this. If it were toned down a bit, I could see it as a possible tale instead of an SCP article. For now, no greenlight yet.
I am also working on ways to execute my idea simpler but still straightforward, just like what the others said.
CiroelSeyer
PM request acknowledged.
Consider this a placeholder.
Scrapping this placeholder as the author has already received their requisite greenlights.
Brought here by PM
This is a complex narrative with a grand scale. Not quite up my alley. Magma creatures are an amazing visual, but the Sarkic / Mekhane stuff is complicated to the point that it detracts from the main anomaly.
I'm personally a fan of the "wildlife documentary" approach to skips about strange creatures. There doesn't have to be a huge narrative attached to every article. I recommend that you trim the concept to just its core pieces for a tighter focus.
Thank you so much for the feedback!
I'm personally a fan of the "wildlife documentary" approach to skips about strange creatures.
Yeah, Its also in my plans to tackle that approach in one of my addendums.
There doesn't have to be a huge narrative attached to every article. I recommend that you trim the concept to just its core pieces for a tighter focus.
Oh yeah, about that. The reason why I came up with that idea in the first place is because… I wanted to make something refreshing and original for corpsecon, than just plain old mythological sea monsters. I wanted this creatures to have some depth (no pun intended), just like what SCP-3000 did. I am aware of my idea's complexity, and I am also thinking of ways to shorten it, make it more straightforward, just like what the previous crits mentioned.
CiroelSeyer
Had been summoned by PM by the author, so here I come. Pighead In, let's take a look at your idea.
Elevator Pitch : I'm a little bit skeptical about that and it's for a simple reason. The rest of the pitch seems pretty interesting, but I have a problem with your monsters. You said that they are made of magma, so why are they released in a place when there's water everywhere? I'm not an expert, but when lava meets water (especially fresh water), it generally cools down and it creates steam but for the rest, it seems difficult for me to see a monster made of lava making his way on the water and still be hot lava. I don't really have an idea for you in order to change it, but rn, it's the only point who makes me skeptical. For the rest, it's a good start.
Central Narrative : Now, this is getting more interesting. And I don't really have something to say about that, because it's simple, you know where you want to go with that one and that leaves us with a lot of promises, so yeah, yeah, yeah, I pretty much like that.
Hook : OK, so for the majority, I think that this is, again, pretty good. But I'm pretty skeptical about all the parts who involve the Sarkics and the Mekhanites. In fact, I think that if I were you, I would probably remove them. But if for you, it's something you really want to do, well, it's not a problem.
And that's all for me. It's gettin' late and I began to be tired, so I will just say that I'm interested by your thing and that here's a tentative greenlight for you. You ned another one for using the Drafts Forum, so contact other reviewers for having the last one. For the rest, it's all for me, Pighead Out.
