SCP-5827 is unable to appear in photography.
I might suggest that you add, “and any digital medium.”
our
Use “Milky Way”, “our” is not a clinical term. Milky Way would be better.
This causes
Maybe not this causes, but maybe, “While performing said ability SCP-XXXX will produce…”
creative nature
I wouldn’t use creative here, maybe “juvenile nature”.
So overall of the aforementioned section: tone needs some work, the image would probably work better if it is done by hand, also this doesn’t look like a ten-year-olds work, I understand that this is a very old ten-year-old and some can be talented, but changing it to be more childish could allow it to be more believable for it to be a child.
https://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:Lao_child_drawing_of_a_woman.jpg
The above image is an 11-year-olds drawing of a woman. I think it would be important to research and look into children’s drawings if you plan on redoing these images.
These interviews are very jumpy— which is fine talking with children tends to be that way, though too much so.
(They pull out a laminated pain chart.) What number would you say is the pain you feel right now?
Specify pain charts and maybe specify a location prior to this.
Alright, that's not good.
To me and most readers, 3 is like a soft allergies headache, you can live with it, because of this I feel like a 5 would be more eye-catching.
(Its nose starts dripping glowing blood. It notices and starts wailing)
This bit feels excessive, I would personally have built this up over time, and then maybe a tissue is offered, the kid asks why and Kara explains that they have a nose bleed, kid touches the blood, looks at it and cries.
Overall: Tone needs work, dialogue needs clean up and the journals feel like they are praising Kara too much, this isn’t bad if there was a reason behind it, but there isn’t. If you are going to have one character become emotionally attached to another then it has to be that way for a reason, like for example take 3604. In the document 3604 is saved by someone and begins spamming their emails, they’re shown to be starry-eyed and naive. This character doesn’t show off these traits well. I think that mastering the childish voice of the character would be enough though a bit more might be needed, such as past mentions of never being given stuff or maybe even mentions of having no one be able to help them and the Foundation was the only one to offer reliable help for it.
Aside from that, may I suggest the following media pieces to understand children’s thought process and voices:
Fran Bow - An excellent game series following a ten-year-old who has a mental illness, dialogue in the game is a bit strange, though it is all fairly childish, save for a journal that appears later in the game. Warning for minor gore that will appear in-game— you can find play playthroughs on Youtube.
Children’s Toys - A short film done by Dead Sound on Youtube - Follows a child in a dystopian society, I am also going to recommend that you watch the “Making of” video to understand the Creator’s intent.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h2ByYKNXTsI - Children’s Toys
I can try to find more later though this is all I have currently.
Finally, I am going to suggest that you remove the crosslink to the article as it seems like you are currently trying to build onto a preexisting author avatar. IMO if you are going to have a crosslink, it should be relevant to the article, and the article shouldn't hinge on it, see the crosslink in 4003.
(account deleted)
