SCP Idea - The Call of The Blue (Seeking Greenlights)

Summary:

Seeking GreenLights/Critiques

SCP Idea - The Call of The Blue (Seeking Greenlights)

Jawtricycle 05 Jun 2020 21:17

Seeking Greenlights: Yes

Page Type: SCP Article, Interviews, Testing Procedures and Results

Genre: Horror, Mystery

Elevator Pitch: This SCP is a metal bucket that is home to a whale like creature with many eyes residing in a pocket dimension that can only be accessed by wearing it over your head. The SCP is large enough to completely cover the cranium of the wearer and cannot be removed once worn. A copy of the person is then transported to a place that resembles the bottom of an ocean floor but are still able to breathe while their physical body remains on Earth. Here they are challenged by an entity to a game of wits if they wish to leave. Failure to win is rewarded by having the subject’s head replaced with a giant shelled hermit crab. These crustaceans pose a high level of intelligence and control the host’s body but cannot speak our language. They will then seek others to wear the bucket next in hopes of adding to their numbers.

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Central Narrative: The main narrative here will be about a Researcher whose village was a victim to this SCP and he is desperate to find answers and save them if possible. He confronts a crab out of frustration and in a struggle has the bucket placed upon him. He is teleported to this strange world where he finds himself locked in a battle with this whale like entity. The creatures here refer to themselves as “The Blue” and they are looking for a new home as theirs has proven unsustainable. However, The Blue allow their victims a fighting chance due to its own moral compass.

Hook/Attention Grabber: This is a game of life and death that delves into this back and forth dialogue between the two players. The entity's weakness being he enjoys talking and has a level of cockiness that rivals that of the researcher’s ambition. He overcomes this challenge by keeping the entity chatting and engaged despite the pressure of losing. His resolve is tested as all these strange creatures appear in the background that would break any normal person. Although, he escapes the entity he is left with a newfound appreciation of Earth’s waters and what inhabitants could be found at the very bottom of his own seas.

Additional Notes: I recognize the challenge between writing dialogue between two persons and fastening into a compelling narrative, this section will require the most attention.

Last edited on 28 Aug 2020 20:01 by Jawtricycle Show more

Re: SCP Idea - The Call of The Blue (Seeking Greenlights)

Hexick 05 Jun 2020 22:01

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◎ Open Crit ◎

This SCP is a metal bucket that is home to a whale like creature with many eyes residing in a pocket dimension that can only be accessed by wearing it over your head.

Hmm, I'm a bit confused by what you mean by this. You'd have to elaborate on why the space can only be access by one putting their head in and not just entering through any other fashion. Also, can an individual's entire body enter the SCP or only their head?

The person is then transported to a place that resembles the bottom of an ocean floor but are still able to breathe while their physical body remains on Earth.

Yes, but their head is still underwater right? In the way that you're describing this once the bucket is placed on their head, their entire body is teleported to the bottom of some large body of water. I suggest clarifying what exactly happens to the person to help readers better understand what's exactly happening.

The main narrative here will be about an SCP Researcher who is young and ambitious to show his worth as a scientist to his peers pursuing the truth behind the bucket. He will first hear about the SCP after the Foundation had obtained it as a local village

You seem to have a pretty good idea of what you want to do story-wise. For that, all I'll say is to make sure that you make the character interesting and to have their motivations be realistic. If you plan on having dialogue in the article, make sure it actually sounds like something a real person would say and be sure it'll evoke emotion in readers.

a local village had an elder place it on his head as a joke resulting in unforeseen consequences.

This seems quite odd and out of place. I'd suggest removing that part entirely.

This is a game of life and death that delves into this back and forth dialogue between the two players. The entity's weakness being he enjoys talking and has a level of cockiness that rivals that of the researcher’s ambition.

This is interesting but again, make sure these traits are realistic and not over-saturated to the point where it may become annoying.

Other than that I don't have any major issues with this. I just suggest developing the personality of your characters and fleshing out the idea overall to give it more of a direction.

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Hexick, SCP Wiki Operational Staff, Community Outreach/MAST/Licensing
Personal site: http://hexhouse.wikidot.com/
Feel free to forward any concerns or inquiries to my Wikidot inbox.

Last edited on 10 Jun 2020 23:46 by Hexick Show more

Re: SCP Idea - The Call of The Blue (Seeking Greenlights)

Jawtricycle 12 Jun 2020 20:25

Thank you for taking the time to review my idea! Allow me to respond to your feedback and pick your brain further if you don't mind.

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Hmm, I'm a bit confused by what you mean by this. You'd have to elaborate on why the space can only be access by one putting their head in and not just entering through any other fashion. Also, can an individual's entire body enter the SCP or only their head.

The idea is that the entity has only one way to link to the minds of those who place the bucket on their head and any other kind of orientation does not establish this bond. A copy of the body gets transported to this realm but the real body still stays on Earth. However, the pain and consequences are reflected onto the earthly body.

Yes, but their head is still underwater right? In the way that you're describing this once the bucket is placed on their head, their entire body is teleported to the bottom of some large body of water. I suggest clarifying what exactly happens to the person to help readers better understand what's exactly happening.

Yes, I will work towards clarifying this part as this realm takes place in a world that is primarily water but the subject does not feel the effects of water pressure. yet they are subject to the visuals of the deep ocean.

a local village had an elder place it on his head as a joke resulting in unforeseen consequences.

I included this bit of information to highlight the dangers of the SCP if left unchecked and how a seemingly mundane object can have such ramifications as the denizens of The Blue pour into our world seeking refuge.

One of the things I was exploring was creating a personal connection between the researcher and this village as to develop their character and add more substance outside of just an ambitious Scientist. Does this approach work for you?

Forum Criticism Team - Captain Post

Zyn 06 Jun 2020 05:25

Author, as per the Ideas Critique required reading: http://www.scp-wiki.net/forum/t-13095662/required-reading:how-to-use-this-forum-ideas the last four sections of the template (Elevator Pitch, Central Narrative, Hook/Attention-Grabber, and Additional Notes) should not exceed 400 words. What you have here is almost 25 words over the limit. Please trim your material accordingly.

Re: Forum Criticism Team - Captain Post

Jawtricycle 06 Jun 2020 06:02

I have edited my post to be shorter and within the word limit.

Thank you.

Re: SCP Idea - The Call of The Blue (Seeking Greenlights)

The Pighead 07 Jun 2020 18:04

Had been summoned here by PM, here I come. Pighead In, let's take a look at your idea.

Elevator Pitch : So, it's a pretty good start and it's an anomaly who is not underdeveloped, which is already good. The only problem I have with this one is that we don't know much about them and, mostly, about their goals and why they act the way they act. Why we can access the dimension only if we put the bucket over our heads? Why the challenge and why the entity wants to challenge them? Why the people who lose are decapitated and why they put the hermit crab as a "replacement" (we can say it's a replacement)? Why the entity wants other people to wear the bucket next? Here's questions that I recommand you to think about. For the rest, not a bad anomaly at all.

Central Narrative : Again, not bad at all but I'm not totally fond of all, because it's not too original and it's something that I can see sometimes. I've already seen these stories of new researchers who use the recent discoveries of SCP objects in order to prove that they are worth to be considered as skilled scientists. And even if these ideas can or cannot work mostly because of their execution and are not automatically bad, I don't know. I'm a little bit skeptical, I guess.

Hook : OK, so I think you have a good hook. The fact that the entity is cocky and cannot stop talking is a good opportunity for you to tell your readers about his goals, about why he do what he does and knowing more about his goals. You said that the creatures are looking for a new home because their previous home is unsustainable : explain that, let the entity talk about that and about the reasons of why their home is unsustainable!

And about your character, try to avoid the extremes. If he come back with more qualities than before, like "Now, he's stronger, more wise and became super useful about everybody and super resistant", it will not work. But if he also come back like "All that shit makes him mad and now, he's probably dangerous and everyone needs to be careful", this will be even more cliche and less interesting.

And I will stop here. For the moment, I will not greenlight. I feel a lot of potential on this idea and there's things who are pretty interesting, but I want you to work and think about all the questions and paths I've put in my post, this could help you to make your skip better! For the rest, don't hesitate to contact another reviewers. It's all for me, Pighead Out.

Re: SCP Idea - The Call of The Blue (Seeking Greenlights)

Jawtricycle 12 Jun 2020 21:08

Thanks for responding and critiquing my idea! Allow me to respond. Some of what you pointed out overlaps with what Hexick said and I responded to him above.

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Why the challenge and why the entity wants to challenge them?

The Blue is an entity that finds itself in an incredibly impossible situation where its world is dying around it. It reached out to our world in hopes of an answer, trade one world for another. But at the same time it comprehends that outright slaughtering an entire species for its own gain is not right. This is not just an ordinary creature that seeks to destroy, it is capable of complex thought, it has its own set of rules. It believes, "What better way to test an individual's right to exist than testing its intelligence?" and if that creature proves too dumb then its not a problem because they were not worthy of that body to begin with!

I want to move away from the cliches you pointed out here and I was exploring the possibilities of creating a personal connection between the researcher and the village. This could be a more unique driving force rather than just the researcher being ambitious. What do you think about this approach?

In regards to the Researcher's return from his encounter, I want him to be changed somehow but I don't want him to be straight up crazy or deranged. I would rather explore a different approach where he has either a newfound wonderment for Earth's Ocean and its inhabitants. Or it could be something more drastic where he himself slowly becomes a mini-ecosystem. A kind of loop hole in the entity's logic where he still gets to exist but not just alone. What do you think?

Re: SCP Idea - The Call of The Blue (Seeking Greenlights)

The Pighead 16 Jun 2020 16:58

Hello and sorry for this late response! I had checked your responses to me and Hexick and, without saying too much, I believe that the ideas you present to us are excellent and I'm really fond of them.

Especially these two :

I was exploring the possibilities of creating a personal connection between the researcher and the village.

I would rather explore a different approach where he has either a newfound wonderment for Earth's Ocean and its inhabitants.

Excellent ideas. I really like that, I think it can be a perfect narrative for your article. Plus (maybe it's also because I listen rn to Aerosmith' I Don't Want To Miss a Thing while I write this message), the second idea, I can feel the potential it had as a sort of good/poetic ending, with the researcher who had developed a deeper connexion with the ocean and its inhabitants and who "learned" things of that. It can be excellent.

Without other words, here's your greenlight! Now, author, you will need another one for using the Drafts Forum. I recommand you to edit your initial message with all these new ideas and contact another reviewers. For the rest, it's all for me, Pighead Out.

Re: SCP Idea - The Call of The Blue (Seeking Greenlights)

Captain Cold 30 Jun 2020 19:41

Placeholder, will return shortly
Hey there Jawtricycle, I apologize for the wait. I can't give out any greenlights but I can help review your idea some.

I'll agree with Pighead above me in saying I feel like what you have here is rather solid, but has some minor issues that you need to clear up.

I take issue with the goal of the anomaly. You say if the person who puts the bucket on loses, they are replaced by a hermit crab. Why does this help the entity? Sure it tries to make other people wear the bucket, but to what end? Are these instances escaping the other world into ours? If so, make sure you outline their intentions enough so readers can understand.

I do like how they are able to try and combat the entity in a game of wits, and it resolves in a way that doesn't include violence which is less common in my opinion.

Just another note, how does the Foundation come to knowledge of the anomaly? Along those lines, I would perhaps save the full description of what it does until after the researcher returns. Since all tests before have failed, no one would have returned to detail what exactly goes on after the bucket is donned.

Other than these small issues, I would say that you have a fairly fleshed out idea. Keep in mind you'll still need to receive another greenlight before posting a draft, but I would be more than happy to review the draft as well. Best of luck.

Last edited on 01 Jul 2020 16:41 by Captain Cold Show more

Re: SCP Idea - The Call of The Blue (Seeking Greenlights)

Jawtricycle 01 Jul 2020 20:22

Thanks for taking the time to review my Idea Captain Cold!

The idea behind the hermit crab replacing the person is that this is the way the SCP is moving denizens from world to the next by literally replacing anyone who puts on the bucket. I will make sure that this idea is cleared up and doesn't just seem so "random." The entity is a kind of ferry man between the worlds but because of its own sense of moral, it allows the subject a chance to escape and prove themselves worthy.

The foundation will come across the entity by observing an entire village of people being converted with the last victim having the bucket on its head before the transformation takes place. The same village that the researcher protagonist would have come from thus tying things together.

Thanks again for reviewing!

Re: SCP Idea - The Call of The Blue (Seeking Greenlights)

barredowl 02 Jul 2020 01:36

Placeholder. Will critique soon enough.

[+] Show feedback

Generally, I'm a fan of this concept. I think the base anomaly on its own is suitably weird, and the narrative about this village being taken over, if executed on well, could make this piece into an engaging piece of weird horror. However, in regards of the narrative, I have a couple concerns which I want to see sorted out beforehand.

Firstly, I have my worries that the actual narrative itself isn't particularly in-depth right now. You have a somewhat good idea on how the story's going to start and how it's going to end, but not necessarily what's going to go on in between, specifically. For instance, how exactly are you going to develop the village being taken over, and how is this going to work in service of the horror or mystery you're serving for? Is it going to be gradual, or very sudden? How are you going to illustrate the impact of this happening to the village? I feel like you have a good opportunity to explore this, I'm just not seeing it fully developed here. Going forward with this, I'd like you to consider more deeply how the middle part of this is going to play out, and how it serves the themes and emotions you're going for. Think about how you can properly develop horror as this progresses, so you can really sell the desperation which comes at the end of the story and get your reader emotionally invested into the narrative. Point being, with the right progression and attention put into how this story develops in the middle, you could really get something horrific and engaging.

My second concern, though less glaring, is that the conclusion to this feels unearned, and doesn't feel properly built to. The fact that the researcher just puts on the hat themselves sorta undermines the conceit you're going for, what with the anomalies wanting others to put the bucket on other people, and could potentially interfere with the horror you're trying to evoke here. Moreover, compared to the rest of the article, the part where the researcher just… manages to escape in this almost-comedic way (wherein the researcher distracts this whale-like entity by chatting) also doesn't feel all that merited. I like the implication that the researcher like, mentally became a hermit crab but ultimately it doesn't follow from the guy just… deciding to put it on out of desperation. It also doesn't really particularly mean anything or introduce a lot that's intriguing, other than this guy potentially being part of this whole hermit crab anomaly themselves now. In this regard, I would suggest thinking harder about how this thing is going to end, and see if everything both logically and emotionally progresses in a satisfying way. Perhaps think about properly developing the researcher's desperation for putting on the bucket, or perhaps change it so that he puts on the bucket in a different way (maybe he gets it put on by one of the other hermit crabs?). Also think about a better way to have the researcher escape, and make it consistent and natural from the rest of the piece tonally; also consider the ending, and whether or not it feels natural given the rest of the story. Whatever the case, the conclusion needs some consideration put into it in how it fits with the rest of the piece, both narratively and tonally.

In short, the anomaly here is interesting, and I like the direction you're going with in terms of the narrative, I just think a little more thought needs to be put into its specifics. Going forward with this idea, I would give the following pointers:

1. Lay out in detail how the narrative is going to play out. Right now, you have a good idea on how this story begins and how will it end, but in terms of the middle, you haven't really thought out much, save for the general direction of the narrative. Keeping in mind the themes and emotions you want to express via this narrative (such as horror), properly develop on what happens in between the beginning and the end of this story, and consider if it progresses in an intriguing way.
2. Consider how your narrative is going to evoke horror. As with the narrative, you haven't really clearly laid out how you're going to sell the reader on the horror situation. Consider what potential kind of horror could arise from the situation you've laid down: what situations and interactions could you include in your story to make the horror more potent? For that matter, think about how these interactions build up, and consider what impact they have in making the reader horrified.
3. Think about how the conclusion connects to the rest of your story. Right now, there's a lot of narrative and tonal disconnect with the ending, compared to the rest of the story. Consider how your ending fits in line with the rest of the story, and try to make sure that all of the components in the conclusion can naturally follow from what comes before. In addition, try to stay in line with that feeling of horror you're evoking here, and if necessary, revise some of the events presented so that you can evoke this emotion better.

I think that's all from me. If you have any remaining concerns, feel free to denote them in a reply to this post and PM me over Wikidot or IRC to take a look at your response. Best of luck!

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svaria

Last edited on 03 Jul 2020 04:59 by barredowl Show more

Re: SCP Idea - The Call of The Blue (Seeking Greenlights)

Jawtricycle 06 Jul 2020 01:34

Thanks for taking the time to critique my Idea! Here's my response.

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For instance, how exactly are you going to develop the village being taken over, and how is this going to work in service of the horror or mystery you're serving for? Is it going to be gradual, or very sudden? How are you going to illustrate the impact of this happening to the village?

The village serves not only as a connection between the SCP Scientist but as a precautionary tale of what future horrors await us if such an object was left to its own devices. The swiftness of the complete change occurs over a course of a two days, this village of around twenty people is not as technically advance and at first it seems like one or two people are just disappearing. But one morning you wake up and more than half the village is gone, these are people you know, and love just vanished. You do the only logical thing and try to reach to the outside world of your small village that is isolated from the rest of the world. Yet you quickly find yourself surrounded by these otherworldly things that hold you hostage and one after another you watch as this gruesome transformation takes fold. This will be held up by eyewitness accounts from a boy who was able to stow himself away, no one else is spared. The SCP Foundation will hear about this as these new denizens of the world begin to seek out more people and it will take a full team to detain and bring them in for containment.

Going forward with this, I'd like you to consider more deeply how the middle part of this is going to play out, and how it serves the themes and emotions you're going for.

The middle part of the narrative will go from the chaos that enveloped this small village to the foundation and the scientist trying to unravel the mystery behind the entities produced by this SCP. His driving force being more personal then others as he pushes himself to his own limits in pursuit of the “why.” The hermit crabs seem to communicate with one another but obviously not to him, keeping secrets to themselves. There are dissections that take place to properly analyze how they can control the bodies as they are planted into the body like weeds into fertile soil. The hermit crabs appear to have a strong connection to the bucket as it is the only piece of their old world and the means in which they can “reproduce.” Other experiments and test subjects prove to be inconclusive as our grasp of how the bucket physically works cannot be apprehended. It is something that must be experienced firsthand. As the nights persist and the thoughts of those he cared for linger, he begins to hear this calling from the bucket. It not only taunts his ineptitude but unbeknownst to him, an entire world is beckoning for an escape. It is a slow building pressure that will be his undoing and his inability to crack the case as he feels as though his village died for nothing. He wants to believe there is some greater answer because the trauma of the event alone is just that, traumatic, non-scientific, and non-comforting. This tipping point will be what ultimately leads into the final descent into the terrifying world of The Blue.

The fact that the researcher just puts on the hat themselves sorta undermines the conceit you're going for, what with the anomalies wanting others to put the bucket on other people, and could potentially interfere with the horror you're trying to evoke here.

I have been thinking about this portion and I agree. I would instead propose writing it to where the researcher sits down with an entity that contains the body of someone he knew but restrained and he viciously interrogates it knowing full well the two can’t communicate. He threatens to destroy the bucket which is just out of reaching distance of the entity. The researcher becomes violent and assaults the hermit crab and as a defense mechanism the crab detaches itself from the body and quickly overpowers him and places the bucket on his head. Thus, giving the reader the start of what the other world looks like and the dialogue between The Blue and the researcher.

Moreover, compared to the rest of the article, the part where the researcher just… manages to escape in this almost-comedic way (wherein the researcher distracts this whale-like entity by chatting) also doesn't feel all that merited….I would suggest thinking harder about how this thing is going to end, and see if everything both logically and emotionally progresses in a satisfying way.

The Blue is an entity that is both many and an individual at the same time. The whale creature that engages in this game (It is similar with to Chess with a few exceptions) with the researcher is powerful and dreadful but that feeling is imposed by its sheer nature and the world that it inhabits. Which ultimately leads to the downfall of many of those who came before the researcher, they were mentally broken. Yet the scientist has come so far and has already lost so much that his mental fortitude had hardened. He has no power in this world other than how he plays this game; he is seemingly helpless. Yet his inquisitive nature of questioning the whale entity as a singular thing and the dialogue between the two about each other’s worlds causes suboptimal plays on the part of The Blue. The narrative is about overcoming the horror and peeling back the mystery.

Once the researcher wins this game, the whale and him exchange final dialogue that leads to the hint that there are other objects that lead to the World of The Blue. It would only be a matter of time until another outbreak would happen. Even though he escapes and finally has most of the answers, there is a kind of impression left behind where he still hears the Call of The Blue from Earth’s Ocean. This unknown and other world right here in his own backyard. What interesting terrors lie beneath the waves he thinks to himself?