Seeking Greenlights: The Greed of Man
Seeking Greenlights: Yes
Page Type: SCP Article, similar in format to SCP 5000.
Object Class: Safe
Elevator Pitch: A belligerent immortal is forced to make a deal with the foundation.
Seeking Greenlights
Forum
» Writing Help / Help: Ideas Critique
» Seeking Greenlights
Hi AltAcc, let's get crackin:
Okay so the first thing that I am (kinda) concerned about is that you don't actually identify what the scp is. You just say that an immortal uses a machine to become immortal. Is the skip the entity or the machine? It might be wise to split the skip into -A and -B since there are two anomalous things here. The machine, naturally, would be of interest to the SCPF. Speaking of which:
Is it a one-time use gadget that he used to become immortal? Or is it like a drug, something that he has to keep using in order to stay immortal? The latter would make for a more interesting story IMO.
The hook doesn't really do much for me. An SCP becoming dangerous isn't so much an attention grabber for stories on this site anymore. Now if it's done well and there are actual stakes, lives that could be lost, characters that we care about, then sure, but I don't feel for this immortal guy. What can he do other than be immortal? If that's it, it's not that interesting.
The way to fix this is to provide a backstory for why the man decided to become immortal, and also how he built the machine in the first place, or he might have found it somewhere. Show people in his life that he cared about and may have lost because of what he did to himself, or because he was depressed.
Personally I don't think this concept is ready for drafting because it's pretty barebones, but sometimes ideas pop out when you start writing a draft, so I hope this helps. If you have a sandbox, I would like to see what you have so far.
Ah, It seems that you're looking at an older version of my SCP idea. I've recieved similar criticism, and decided to shift the focus from how he was dangerous, to exploring his motivations to escape, you can see the new idea proposal edited above.
As for the Sandbox draft, here it is: http://scp-sandbox-3.wikidot.com/altacc
Take 2:
Nice! The concept has definitely improved. One thing I'm confused about: does he actually go into a coma and wake up, or is he just threatened by the foundation to comply or they'll do it and he gives in?
I agree with Unoriginal, there's not really a satisfying ending with this. He just accepts containment, the end, and nothing else happens. I get why he would think that being in a coma is basically death and that being trapped is also basically death because he can't do anything, his life would have no purpose, etc. Maybe there's a way you can use the box more, because it is the thing that causes his mutations, so the box could make him mutate in a harmful way.
Obviously because there are a lot of immortal skips there has to be something bigger than "themes of free will" and accepting fate. Those are pretty general ideas, so it has to be more specific to his story. There needs to be an explanation for why he has a crippling fear of death.
I read the sandbox and I have a couple issues with it:
1) Researchers will oftentimes refer to skips as their item number, regardless of what the person asks to be called. Skips that exclusively respond to actual names are referred to by names, but the majority of humanoid skips allow researchers to call them by item number. IMO the researcher in the interview needs to say "SCP-XXXX" and the interviewed needs to only say "SCP-XXXX-B" because the Foundation doesn't really care about what his name is, only that he is an immortal who is trying to bust out.
2) In addendum 3, Countac reiterates what was already said in the description: the guy's genome is mostly human. We already know that his genome is mostly human, and that he produces Proteins X, Y, and Z, so don't repeat what we already know. The other thing is I don't know how he could be transformed into something that isn't entirely human, because he would have to have other genetic material to use so the machine knows what to mutate him into. People can alter genes and create mutations, but that doesn't mean you can turn a person into a dinosaur. Unless that's what he did, he took genetic material from the Jurassic site and used it as a template for his mutations (cool idea?). I know people share genes with bananas and apes, but that doesn't mean we could mutate into a banana or an ape, right?
That's what I have. Good luck on getting greenlights.
Okay, I looked over this again. Once again I do think that their are some good ideas here, but there are also some issues. My biggest issue is that I still feal that you're trying to do too much. The core story (immortal man negotiates with the Foundation) seems fun but you're also trying to cram in a lot of unnecessary details like the Prometheus Labs connection. Like, there are only so many times you can write escape attempts before it gets boring. I really feel that if you streamlined this down to just the core narrative it would be better.
(account deleted)The core anomaly isn't 100% appealing, given that we have had immortal SCPs done before, I think. I'm not sure what the story is building up to? Like, okay, we do have several attempts that the guy makes to try to escape containment in an escalating fashion, but… I'm not quite sure if I'm seeing a definite ending here.
Tbh, it could be reworked into a fairly entertaining one if you subverted the atmosphere? Like, at first you make it known that the guy really hates being contained, but given that he's immortal and a little bored, maybe he actually happily accepts containment to give it a little bit of a twist, per se? I'm a little iffy on what narrative value the small box contributes aside from opening up an opportunity to his background in Prometheus Labs? It only seems to just cause genetic mutations, and… that's kind of it? I'm just unsure of how the box comes into play to the story here apart from a brief appearance in the description and discovery, I predict.
Idk. An SCP who's basically immortal has been a bit of well-trod ground. I'm also not sure if I understand why he would be afraid to die when he's immortal? I think it's perhaps because of me not understanding fully about why he considers containment = lack of freedom = death? I mean, he wouldn't, like, really die no matter what situation he is in, right?
There are echoes of a workable idea here, with the focus being on the man's fear of containment and that's about it.
Idle days style articles are fine, and morality articles are even more amusing when pulled off correctly, but the way you're framing it at the moment feels very heavy-handed and dull. It's a predictable premise and takes away from any emotional oompth or life lesson it might have had.
Stuff like this, which follows a sort-of "slice of life" aspect of learning/development lend themselves more to tales than SCP articles, because tales allow for a greater expanse of time to take place before wringing itself dry, whereas SCP articles tend to follow a "in the now" sort of thing unless crafted carefully.
Part of the problem here is that the hook just doesn't grab my interest all that much: questions like these can be argued with being thought-provoking but at a certain point you need to ask yourself if your audience will be forming these questions naturally or shoving it in their faces. Unfortunately, your concept lands in the second category.
Try to work on subtlety a bit: a little less heavy handed philosophy can go a long way.
gradually lowered over the course of 18-24 months until it eventually reaches safe
I'm not sure about the sense of de-escalation here; it eventually ends with the guy being compliant and all, and it just… ends? Hmm, I did say that you could subvert the atmosphere, though, now that I think about it, hmmm… it doesn't seem to play out smoothly in my head this time?
I mean, if you're aiming for a bit of a humorous/wholesome story, it might be good to focus a lot more on the guy's personality, I think? But… it feels kinda weird with the box being part of this story? It doesn't feel like it has a lot of narrative value, and it feels a bit too tacked on? Like, it seems to just be there for the Foundation to discover and catch this guy, and it doesn't really appear until like, at the ending?
I think my main issues are about the escalation and the ending? I'm now a bit conflicted, because the subversion/stuff that happens after the guy accepts containment feels… a bit de-escalatory in nature and the ending feels… a bit too anti-climatic, but I think it could be just me? Hmmmm. Maybe something like a developing relationship (not romantic, more like, therapist-patient-ish relations) between the guy and a Foundation researcher? Idk.
I'm going to second the core anomaly (immortality) being not very interesting but other than that I'm… actually kind of liking this. Mainly the part about the guy actually negotiating with the Foundation, that's an idea that seems weirdly unexplored on this website. I also kind of like the 'increasing desperation' motif, I think that could end up being pretty good if you write it well. I think this is pretty close to Greenlight worry so I'll leave a few questions/suggestions.
1.
A former Prometheus Labs employee, motivated by his crippling fear of lack of free will, escapes from the Jurassic site, and takes a machine with him. Having essentially retired, he spends the next few decades pursuing various personal hobbies, all of which he soon drops in favor of his pursuit of immortality.
Does this part need to be here? You need to focus on the core story so this should be in the background.
2.
I plan to explore themes of free will, greed, and compromise through various interviews and journal entries.
I think you're trying for too much, even though you don't really need to as the core story is interesting. I'd focus on just one core theme if I was you.
There are still a bunch of different ideas, such as the man's connections to the Labs that I have jangling around in my head, but I think I'll just leave that to the drafts, as I'm already pushing the word count.
I really don't know if this will add anything good to the story.
Anyway, good luck!
Personally, I think that the backstory of the man's time at the Labs would be pretty important to the story. It would help provide a reason for the foundation to want to keep him conscious, despite the attempts at escape in order to extract information from him. It would also play into the theme of compromise that I'm going for, as he would have to abandon his friends, and only source of income in order to pursue his goal of immortality. I hope that helps justify my reasoning for including the Prometheus labs bit.
Placeholder - will crit soon
Alright, so overall I'm a bit tentative on the article as a whole. You're clearly putting the narrative first, which is good, but I can't say the actual anomaly does it for me.
It's a decent catalyst for the actual narrative (which does cover some interesting themes), but I just don't find it all that interesting. It just feels… forced, like it's intentionally setting something up. If you're going for this type of story, that's the main feeling you want to avoid. It might help to elaborate on this researcher, since they're going to focal point of the narrative, front and center. As of current, I can't be sure that the article isn't going in a cliché direction.
And just as an aside, I don't really get what you're doing with the object class? Object class is, for me, one of the most inconsequential parts of writing an SCP. I'm not even sure if going from Safe to Keter and back to Safe even makes a whole lot of sense.
Not to mention that having "Object Class: Safe Keter Safe" or something along that nature in your article is a surefire way to make people roll their eyes.
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page revision: 1, last edited: 02 Apr 2021 15:16
