Just Like Grandma Used To Make - Greenlight Needed

Summary:

possibly at the cost of some brain damage

Just Like Grandma Used To Make - Greenlight Needed

Gamzeemakara03 29 May 2020 18:23

EDIT: Thanks everyone who has commented!! I'm taking a lot of the feedback and heavily reworking this still, adding and taking away different elements. Expect this to he heavily altered in the next coming days, but still feel free to critique what is here!

A soup plate that makes any food eaten off of it taste like your most nostalgic childhood dish, but possibly at the cost of some brain damage.

I moved and trimmed your thread summary, since it was taking up extra space in the main forum screen. Try to keep thread descriptions (the text in the little box under the thread title) and titles short so you don't crowd out other authors in the forum listing. ~Zyn

Seeking Greenlights: Yes

Page Type: SCP Article

Elevator Pitch: A soup plate that makes any food eaten off of it taste like the subjects most nostalgic dish, however, continued consumption of the food damages the brain to the point of only being able to taste that food.

Central Narrative: This SCP article will follow two separate narratives: Initially, it will follow the experiments done with the object and exploring what it's capabilities are. The large portion of this story will follow one particular subject and the effects of long term consumption from the SCP, in the form of a 'day by day' account including key transcripts from the subject. This will detail the subjects mental state as it declines during this period, following the increasingly distraught emotional state the subject experiences as time goes on and they are rendered incapable of escaping the taste. The second narrative will detail the origins of the object- where it comes from and why it holds the power that it does.

Hook/Attention-Grabber: This SCP is going to be a mix between the unexplained and what can be explained, blending in a touch of medical science while also exploring the things outside the realm of science, as well as playing on the the emotion of something that you loved as a child being brought back, along with memories associated with it.. only for it to turn into something you hate, and the madness that ensues.

Last edited on 03 Jun 2020 21:02 by Gamzeemakara03 Show more

Re: Just Like Grandma Used To Make - Greenlight Needed

Gamzeemakara03 04 Jun 2020 12:09

UPDATE: For now, please consider this forum closed. I'll be making large edits and posting again once I feel it's been correctly laid out and ideas have been solidified.

Thank you all for the critique!

Re: Just Like Grandma Used To Make - Greenlight Needed

DianaBerry 29 May 2020 22:17

[Placeholder, will critique asap]

On a base level, this is rather simple. Kinda a thing that does a thing. And at that, it's a unsuspecting thing that has a scary/horror twist. Those things can be done these days, but the thing you need is a narrative/story to pair it with. I like that you want to delve into the medical/science aspect, I think that's a cool thing to focus on even though I'm not much into the specifics of science myself. How do you plan on delving into this in the form of an SCP document though? An for interest to replace a story, it needs to be laid out very carefully.

as well as play on the emotional factor surrounding the idea of something that you loved as a child but haven't had been brought back, along with memories associated with it.. only for it to turn into something you hate, bittering all those loving memories you used to have.

I think this emotional factor is interesting and could stand for something, but you still don't have a true narrative. Like a story that the article as a whole tells, not just the story of what the SCP does. This has potential, but you should take this emotional factor, an emotion you want the audience to feel, and find a way to carry a story with it. Also you said your SCP has the similar effect of a stroke, which I feel like almost takes away from the emotional factor you're proposing. You have an emotion, and perhaps a seedling of a narrative, but I think the anomaly itself needs some work to support this.

Here are some guides I recommend:

+ Open Guides List

How to write an SCP

A Few Examples Of Things Not To Do In An SCP And What To Do Instead

Essays on Style

Ideation: A Guide To Making Good Ideas Out Of Nothing

Rules of Thumb

How Not To Walk Your Dog: Poor Pacing In The SCP Format

Common SCP Pitfalls

Part I - Introduction & Ideation

Part II - Narrative & Originality

Hope I could help! Good luck!

Last edited on 30 May 2020 17:31 by DianaBerry Show more

Re: Just Like Grandma Used To Make - Greenlight Needed

Gamzeemakara03 31 May 2020 13:15

Hi, thank you for the critique!

How do you plan on delving into this in the form of an SCP document though?

Medical Research Paper format! It's going to be included primarily as a 'test' log, formed around the results of CT scans, MRIs, and an autopsy following death.

but you should take this emotional factor, an emotion you want the audience to feel, and find a way to carry a story with it.

I had mentioned this before in another comment, detailing the bases of the narrative. The word limit really killed me in the main post, but I'll put it down here!

Show Response

Imagine eating a steak, expecting it to taste like steak, only for it to taste like your grandma's chicken noodle soup that you haven't had sense she passed when you were 10. Okay, that's actually pretty cool, you've missed the dish for years, you're glad to have it again, everything is fine. Now do that 10 more times, each time expecting to taste a steak, or potato, or chips. Okay, you like your grandma's soup, but now you really just want something else, you're tired of the soup. So you do that 100 times more, with 100 different foods, hoping to just taste something else, and it still all taste like soup. At this point you're angry, you're going mad. You don't want soup, but no matter what you eat it's always soup! Fond memories you had of your grandma, family dinners eating the soup as a wee child, all turned sour and filled with anger. You hate the soup, you hate your grandma for making the soup, even though you know she had nothing to do with this. You love your grandma, but you're just so angry and desperate at this point, all you think of when you think of her is that godforsaken soup, and you hate her for it, and you hate yourself for hating her for it. You still remember the good times, all the fun times at thanksgiving or when you had a cold, where the soup was a warm, happy retreat, made with love and care, but now it's only filled with anger and sadness. All that's left is soup, and you hate it.

I understands your concerns with the stroke idea, I don't plan to reference it exactly, it's just a basic jumping off point in regards to the medical side of 'what happens to your brain' - It's a similair effect confined to a specific place, that was all!

I hope that clears some things up, and thank you for the resources!

Re: Just Like Grandma Used To Make - Greenlight Needed

Prof_D1VY 29 May 2020 23:21

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This SCP is very simple. It is the perfect example of a thing that does a thing. Well-to-do articles do not do that anymore, or at least do something else with this idea. Moreover, the limited qualities this SCP has are simply not interesting enough to do well as a series IV-VI article. You should read the essay about things that do a thing, and take notes or learn from that. If you want to continue with this you need to come up with some implications that arise from this and use that to at least make your elevator pitch more fleshed out. Your entire pitch is just one sentence, which is not a good indicator for further development. Also, adding lots of research and experiment logs to an already simple/boring tbh idea would just bog it down even more unless it expands on the idea in some way.

Which brings me to the part where you talked about things that you loved as a child will become things that you hate. This is the strongest part of your idea in my opinion. If you use the logs to expand on this instead of going into the scientifics, then that would be quite likeable, because we are mostly a group of "authors" who like reading stories written in a specific way instead of science. If you can make something showing tastes, opinions, people even that the subject loved as a kid and that turning into something they detest, then that would make for an emotional story that I think would do well.

Re: Just Like Grandma Used To Make - Greenlight Needed

Gamzeemakara03 30 May 2020 14:03

Thank you for the critique!

+ Show Response

I understand that, at base level, it is simple, which is something that I acctually wanted. I wanted it to appear as a simple object that does a thing…. until you realize that it's also doing another thing that is a much bigger problem from the first.
I apologize for the non-fleshed out elevator pitch- I don't know why I thought it needed to be a single sentence, I'm fixing it to flesh it out more. I have more details that I couldn't fully fit due to the word count, but I think they would help to solidify the idea so I'll try and figure out how to worm them in!

As for the last part - I definately want to play more with the idea of a fond, childhood memory turning into something detestible. I had mentioned in the main post that I was somewhat basing this on what happens to a person after a stroke. This actually comes from experience that I've had within my family with stroke- the one thing I always remember was how they would go to try and eat something, only to always be dissapointed, eventually growing to anger because it just doesn't taste right anymore. Even if it used to be their favorite food, and even after they 'recovered'…. they just wouldn't eat it anymore. They hated it, because of the new memories associated with it.
That premise was a big part of what I wanted to play off of, but I wanted to delve more into the medical horror of what it actually does to your brain, because… wow. It's horrifying. But I understand if that's not something people want to read.

Should I simply continue with the idea, omiting the medical / science side and focus more on the emotional toll?

Re: Just Like Grandma Used To Make - Greenlight Needed

Prof_D1VY 31 May 2020 20:07

Why not both? This could be a slighly longer SCP, that is fine. You talked about medical horror, which is all good, but I am not sure how many people actually know enough about biology to be "scared" by that. If you add an emotional twist to it, then you are only appealing to a larger audience, which is always good!!

Re: Just Like Grandma Used To Make - Greenlight Needed

Gamzeemakara03 31 May 2020 23:01

I think I'm going to tone down the medical side to an 'extra', but focus the main narrative on the emotional journey as many have suggested!

I still believe I'm going to keep in atleast one medical log, even if it's just a bonus to those that understand, but I think focusing more on the emotional factor will appeal to a much larger crowd.

I've reworked the post to include these changes, if you're able to take another look, I would greatly appreciate it!

Thank you!

Re: Just Like Grandma Used To Make - Greenlight Needed

Kikaider01 30 May 2020 05:39

[Asked to take a look. Will crit soon.]

Re: Just Like Grandma Used To Make - Greenlight Needed

Comrade Waldo 30 May 2020 22:32

Hello Gamzee!
Hope you're feeling alright, I'm going to check your idea if you don't mind.

+ Show critique

So, like DianaBerry said, this is a thing that does a thing. And there's no problem with that, IF, the thing has a good narrative. And that's what are you lacking here at your idea. The emotional aspect is fine, but it doesn't set a solid narrative. Try to ask this questions:

• What do you want the reader to fell? Scared? Sadness? Happiness?
• When was this SCP discovered?
• What were the circumstances this skip was found?
• Does it affect the mental state of people, do they grow tired of tasting the same food over and over again?
• Is the SCP connected to any GOI, like Ambrose Restaurants?

The scientific aspects sounds nice to me, it will make the article more clinical.

You have an interesting concept, but it does need a more developed narrative. If you read and answer the questions that people give you for your idea, you may come with an interesting skip.
Good luck Gamzee, and keep writing!

Re: Just Like Grandma Used To Make - Greenlight Needed

Gamzeemakara03 31 May 2020 12:46

Hi! Thank you for the critique!

In response to your questions -

Show Block

• The emotion that I'm wanting to evoke Is closest to sadness, based off people's empathy for others suffering. None of what the SCP does is physically painful, but it's more the emotional and mental strain that causes the harm.
• The object was retrieved in the early 2010's, anomalous properties being discovered through Facebook posts detailing the odd happenings. The foundation retrieved it from an estate sale shortly there after.
• It HEAVILY effects the mental state of people, on more than one level. Not only does it physically damage the brain's Gustatory Cortex by manipulating the data that the brain percieves, but its effects cause severe mental strain on the subject. They completely grow tired of tasting the same thing, even if they previously loved whatever food it is. Imagine eating a steak, expecting it to taste like steak, only for it to taste like your grandma's chicken noodle soup that you haven't had sense she passed. Okay, that's actually pretty cool, you've missed the dish for years, you're glad to have it again. Now do that 10 more times, with 10 different foods. Okay, you like your grandma's soup, but now you really just want a steak. So you do that 100 times more, with hundreds of different foods, and it still all taste like soup. At this point you're angry, you're going mad. You don't want soup, but no matter what you eat it's always soup!! Fond memories you had of your grandma, family dinners eating the soup as a wee child, all turned sour and filled with anger. You hate the soup, you hate your grandma for making the soup, and you know she had nothing to do with this, you don't want to hate your grandma. You love your grandma, but you're just so angry and desperate at this point, all you think of when you think of her is that godforsaken soup, and you hate her for it, and you hate yourself for hating her for it. You still remember the good times, all the fun times at thanksgiving or when you had a cold, where the soup wad a nice retrieve, made with love and care, but now it's only filled with anger and sadness. All that's left is soup, and you hate it. [ Note all of this is done by the human psyche, the plate does not have the means of altering a person's emotions. ] This is actually the base narrative that I'm wanting to focus on story wise, the slow descent into insanity that the plate causes over an extended period of time.
• The object is not currently linked to any GOI, however, research is going in to see if it's base of origin could be connected with the Ambrose Restaurants as its current origin / manufacturer is unknown. Research so far has been inconclusive.

Re: Just Like Grandma Used To Make - Greenlight Needed

Gamzeemakara03 31 May 2020 22:58

Hello all!!

I've taken in the feedback and heavily altered the post, focusing More on the narrative of the article as you suggested! I would greatly appreciate it if you could take a look once more!

Thank you!

Re: Just Like Grandma Used To Make - Greenlight Needed

Sonderance 01 Jun 2020 02:22

Placeholder! Got summoned via PM to take a look-see. Will crit in a bit.

Alright, here’s my take.

+ show block

As I’m sure you’ve seen mentioned by other critiquers, your idea definitely brings to mind SCP-348, which also focuses on a soup bowl with nostalgia-based anomalous abilities. Other critiquers have certainly gone into this comparison in depth, so I’m not going to touch on that. Besides, if handled well, even a basic anomaly that’s been done a million times on the site can become something novel with a well-crafted narrative. It’d be tricky, but certainly possible.

However, what you currently have listed under the “Central Narrative” section of your post isn’t actually a description of your narrative, so much as a dramatization of the horror aspect of your story. From a structural and writing standpoint, what story do you plan to tell in this article?

If you respond to this comment and would like me to see it, please send me a Wikidot PM, as I will not be notified otherwise.

Last edited on 02 Jun 2020 08:21 by Sonderance Show more

Re: Just Like Grandma Used To Make - Greenlight Needed

Gamzeemakara03 02 Jun 2020 14:27

Thank you for the response!

I'm starting to think that I'm bad at summarizing things, I've had a lot of problems trying to portray what I'm wanting to in the central narrative it seems- I want to include so much more, but there's just not enough space with the word limit!

I'll try and get as much info on it down here to hopefully try and describe things correctly,here's the basic outline and descriptions put into a non-clinical tone for summary:

Show Outline

Item #
Object class: Safe
Containment Procedures: Site-19, standard padded storage box to keep it from breaking, keep away from food.
Description: A soup plate, description of the physical attributes, accompanied by an image.
Description of plates anomalous properties upon first interaction, the ability to change taste.
Description of plate's anomalous properties after continued consumption, altered brain patterns and permanently changed taste.
Addendum 1: Properties do not affect those unable to remember their childhood or those who had a severely traumatic childhood.
Discovery and Retrieval: Found via facebook ad regarding an estate sale for a deceased woman, listed the items anomalous properties. Foundation looked into it due to the possibility it could be related to the Ambrose Restaurants GOI. Obtained item from estate sale, spoke to granddaughter of the deceased during purchase.
[Transcript of undercover interview with the granddaughter, granddaughter describes 'weird happenings' with the object, confirming anomalous properties. Unable to confirm origin.]
Experiment logs: First log details a male eating a serving, tasting his deceased grandma's tuna salad. Patient gets emotional and experiment is stopped. No other anomalies present themselves. Transcript included.
Second log details a female, described tasting her deceased dad's barbeque ribs. confirmed affects of SCP, ability to recall taste of nostalgic food. Transcript omited.
Third log describes subject given amnestic and unable to remember childhood. No properties shown. Transcript omited.
Fourth log describes subject who lost memory due to head trauma. No properties shown. Transcript omited.
Fifth log describes the experiment with long term consumption, bringing back in the first subject. Lunch is served on SCP-XXXX in observation room, breakfast and dinner remain the same. Summarized as date: Summary of findings / patients behavior. Short summary: Day 1. Begin experiment. day 14. patient describing strong 'after taste' when eating other meals. Day 23, patient describing inability to taste other foods, asks to terminate experiment. Day 30, subject no longer being fed from SCP. Day 37. Subject still experiencing lack of other taste, highly emotional and showing signs of mental distress sent to medical for phyche help and check up. Day 48. Subject is highly emotional and under severe mental distress, refusing to eat and showing other signs of declining physical health. Day 50. Subject terminated. [Transcripts included from day 1, day 23, day 37, and final interview before termination is on day 48.
Medical Logs: Excerpts from day 37 medical log, including psyche evaluation and results from MRI showing the brain damage.
Excerpt from medical log directly prior to termination. Concluding analysis.
Addendum 2: Requesting repeat on final experiment, including daily MRI. Request pending via ethics comity. short note from Dr regarding request included, stating the medical help that could come from understanding the step by step process of the brain damage, possibility of being able to undo any damage if better known.

Of course everything there is stated to change depending if there's something i'm needing to fix or if other ideas come up that I'm wanting to add in!

The experiment logs are what's carrying most of the story, it's following the one specific subject and it's affect on him. The excerpt I put in the central narrative is basically the details of what that story is.

I do have a sandbox in the works for this idea, it's of course still a work in progress and not finished, but it does include some of the logs and better descriptions if there is anything else that's needed to be described!

Re: Just Like Grandma Used To Make - Greenlight Needed

Zyn 01 Jun 2020 03:08

Got a PM about this, stated I didn't find the material that interesting, was asked for a review all the same. Here we go:

First off… the premise of "nostalgic childhood food" has been covered before (the first article that comes to mind for me is my own SCP-348) so the core emotional reaction here doesn't seem particularly unique to me. Coupled with the fact that there's a harmful effect present for seemingly no narrative reason, this just comes off as a more dangerous entry on the log of anomalous items than an SCP object that would merit special Foundation containment.

As a reader, I personally want to know why this item exists the way it does—why does it seem precision-made solely to make people miserable over the taste of food they originally enjoyed a lot? Also, what happens in the event of someone having a terrible childhood, and not having anything nostalgic from those years to think of?

Personally for me, this just boils down to a commonly seen formulaic approach that is fairly overdone these days—a thing that makes people go crazy for no reason. This feels reminiscent of the children's book by Patrick Skene Catling, The Chocolate Touch but without a resolution to the story or a meaning behind the manifestation of the anomaly to begin with. Slapping on extra fluff details about the exact mental effects in medical terms doesn't address the fact that this is just a thing that hurts people in a specific way, and we have already seen lots of that sort of thing fail on the mainsite if not accompanied by some sort of narrative or unique perspective to add depth beyond "it hurts people, that's all".

Sorry, but I personally don't see this working well as an SCP article. If you really wanted to try to make this work I would recommend formatting it into a tale about one of the investigators assigned to the anomaly (maybe working with an elderly D-Class with dietary issues who was allowed to volunteer for the experiment). I admittedly am not a huge fan of the "turns something nostalgic into a thing you hate so much it makes you insane" approach. It feels overly contrived and not satisfying to read about (because again… the site has seen so, so much of that already over the years). In my opinion, it would be more interesting to see a story about the Foundation turning the tables finding a way to make this item heartwarming.

Re: Just Like Grandma Used To Make - Greenlight Needed

Gamzeemakara03 01 Jun 2020 15:25

Thank you for the Critique!!

As a reader, I personally want to know why this item exists the way it does—why does it seem precision-made solely to make people miserable over the taste of food they originally enjoyed a lot?

Good question! I've already put in thought to this: The item first came into the custody of the foundation via an estate sale in Michigan, following the most recent owners death due to complications with a stroke. The items anomalous properties stem from a specific idea: 'Objects hold memories'. I can go into a deep analysis of why I chose these ideas and how these specifically relate to the situation at hand, but doing so would require a lot of writing that won't make sense without the full concept and possibly without some medical research, So I'll attach it beneath the collapsible in case you would like to look at it! I'll also include the medical info needed to understand, and link back to their sources. Warning: It is a bit of a read, but very interesting if you want to look into it, but I'll post a TDLR at the end just in case!

+ Show Text

"Studies are showing that the part of the brain that stores and recalls memories is possibly the same part that integrates experienced sensations (the smell of a rose, the taste of honey, the feeling of sandpaper). It’s called the retrosplenial cortex. The retrosplenial cortex is most associated with episodic memory formation - the kind of memory that is sequential and records events in our minds. Because the part of the brain that forms episodic memory is the same part that integrates sensations, memories often become associated with sensations. Our brains record this information, but it is often forgotten due to the lack of meaningful events or information these environments give. However, if something important happens to you while you are passing a hot dog stand on your way to work, your brain will associate that memory with the smell of the hot dog stand." ^Source
This here is the science, the fact of what happens, but if you go further into the spiritual and emotional side of things, it's often thought that objects that you connect deep memories and emotions to, also connect similar energy to you in return. This can cause anomalous properties and is thought to be why spirits can 'attach' themselves to objects. Now, I'm not making a haunted soup plate. I'm taking this idea and twisting it a bit from it's origins. The idea that an object holds memories in the form of energy, and if that energy is strong enough, that energy can be displayed in forms of anomalous properties, displaying it's own energies, it's memories, to alter other's. Now, the way that energy affects different people would be different person to person, as each brain holds different memories, ideas, ideals, etc. Due to this, the anomaly wouldn't affect everyone the same- that's why not everyone tastes, say, mashed potatoes. It's specific to their energy- their memories. It's simply transposing it's own story on top of what memories the subject already has.
Further into the narrative: The energy that the dish is transposing is specifically that of the old lady, her story of her life. The basic premise of it is that she would always eat a specific dish out of this specific plate- through the years, the dish would pick up the energy from this repetition, and as her life continued the plate would continue to pick up the energies… up to the point of her having a stroke, the mental and physical effects that were kept in the energy of the plate, the way it affected her. Those are locked into the energy of the plate, and that is what the plate is transposing onto others who use it in a similar manner.

TLDR; Objects hold memories in the form of energy, and when the energy grows strong enough, it displays itself in anomalous ways. This object specifically transposes the 'memories' of it's previous owner onto those who use it in a similar manner, affecting their body accordingly. It wasn't made with the intent to hurt, it wasn't even meant to be made, but due to the circumstances surrounding it, this is the sad outcome.

Also, what happens in the event of someone having a terrible childhood, and not having anything nostalgic from those years to think of?

+ Show Response

This is one specific part that I'm having mixed debating about, but the answer that I'm probably sticking with is simply that the affect of the SCP are null. Due to not having any memory to transpose on, the SCP is unable to affect said person.

In my opinion, it would be more interesting to see a story about the Foundation turning the tables finding a way to make this item heartwarming.

+ Show Response

I was actually talking about a similar idea to this outside of the thread, to try and bring some bright tones to the article:
The way that the SCP affects the brain is very similar to a stroke, it damages it in the same manner. Having said that, It does it in stages rather than quickly like a normal stroke would. Due to this, you're able to closely examine what happens in parts, making it far easier to understand… and by effect, far easier to treat. This sort of thing could potentially help find a cure for those who have lingering side effects from strokes and similar brain damages, and I'd love to see the foundation go further into research of this idea. Even though it causes damage, it has the capability to help further understand and possibly create a cure for said damage, allowing others to avoid similar fates.

Hope this helps to clear up some questions! Thank you for the critique!

Re: Just Like Grandma Used To Make - Greenlight Needed

Zyn 02 Jun 2020 03:58

I'll be honest, the fact that the explanation is so long and complicated doesn't make me thrilled in anticipation of the eventual draft. Rather, it makes me apprehensive about the draft being similarly bloated with extra information that while technically relevant to Foundation investigation, drags out the story unnecessarily. Remember, while the tone is that of a cold clinical document, ultimately the goal is to write something more akin to flash fiction.

Ultimately the story I'm getting here is "it was a complete accident that this lady's daily routines caused this time to force other people to experience the same thing". Which is… still kind of bland, since the same setup could be applied to any other cursed item type formula SCP, whether a hairbrush that causes people to go prematurely silver-haired used by a lady who did the "100 strokes a day for perfect hair" thing or, say, a set of reading glasses that causes instant nearsightedness.

The end result is still "it's sad because it is", and as a reader I feel kind of let down by that. There's a lot more that could be explored here—was the grandma some sort of witch? Did she have an unfulfilled goal regarding people eating her food? I feel like if you want people to feel genuine emotion and not just obligatory sympathy, there needs to be more relatable material than just "lady ate the same thing off the same plate every day and now other people have to do that for no reason".

+ show block

The way that the SCP affects the brain is very similar to a stroke, it damages it in the same manner.

I'll be completely honest, I personally am not really interested in the scientific aspect of this. It feels like you're making the Foundation try really hard to find something useful to research about this, when they really have no obligation to try and make this useful when they have thousands of other less immediately harmful items they could use instead for the same kind of research.

This sort of thing could potentially help find a cure for those who have lingering side effects from strokes and similar brain damages

Not necessarily. Remember, you as the reader know exactly how this thing works and know how similarly it behaves to non-anomalous phenomena and thus how inherently trustworthy it is. The in-universe Foundation doesn't have that luxury, and I find it hard to believe that they would just automatically assume that they can study and draw conclusions about non-anomalous strokes when studying strokes induced via an anomaly that is inherently not the cause of naturally occurring strokes. The belief in a possibility that this anomaly could lead to development of a cure for the damage seems even more far-fetched.

Tl;dr
- This is still pretty bland so far as narrative goes.
- The Foundation seeing so much possibility and potential in study of the anomaly feels kind of overhyped and force, and thus unrealistic.
- I recommend going the emotional route rather than the dry scientific route.

Re: Just Like Grandma Used To Make - Greenlight Needed

Gamzeemakara03 02 Jun 2020 15:13

Show Text

I'll be honest, the fact that the explanation is so long and complicated doesn't make me thrilled in anticipation of the eventual draft. Rather, it makes me apprehensive about the draft being similarly bloated with extra information that while technically relevant to Foundation investigation, drags out the story unnecessarily. Remember, while the tone is that of a cold clinical document, ultimately the goal is to write something more akin to flash fiction.

I'll admit I do have the tendency to draw things out and over explain, which I greatly apologize for, but within the draft I have two others [Thanks, roommates!] constantly checking behind me and making sure I don't go too far with it. [Part of my work is editing clinical documents, and it's been so ingrained to write as if no one has any idea about anything you are saying, include every detail you can think of, each and every time. It's meant to help avoid lawsuits from someone 'misunderstanding', but it has it's faults in practical writing where you're not assuming whoever is reading it has the competency and understanding of a 10 year old]

There's a lot more that could be explored here—was the grandma some sort of witch? Did she have an unfulfilled goal regarding people eating her food? I feel like if you want people to feel genuine emotion and not just obligatory sympathy, there needs to be more relatable material than just "lady ate the same thing off the same plate every day and now other people have to do that for no reason".

I do really like the idea of pushing more into the background- I was somewhat avoiding this idea for the sake of making it seem too non-clinical, I wasn't fully sure how to format that into the article. Would something like finding written notes, or a journal of some sort and including excerpts work? I don't want it to seem too out of place in the article, so any ideas on how to incorporate more back story in would be of great help!

As a courtesy to our readers on mobile devices, please collapse long posts using a single collapsible if possible. ~Zyn

You had mentioned her being a witch, which immediately popped in the idea of this being some sort of 'modern potion bowl', which could explain it's properties a bit more. They're just technically potions. Luckily, my partner is pagan and has deep knowledge on religion and witchery, so I do have a close resource if this seems like a good route to pursue?

As for the last two points- Due to your review as well as mentions from a few others I've given the idea too, I've decided to leave it as an addendum, a request to go further into research - unsure whether to leave it as pending due to ethics or denied due to lack of interest.

With that said, I'm also putting a pending on a lot of the medical side of things: I'm going to include a single log for those interested, but those are going to be directly related to the experimentation which is going to be a large portion of the story. I've had mixed reviews on the medical side of the spectrum, ranging from 'I don't like it' to 'It's a cool idea', so I don't want to completely scrap it, but I'm going to tone it down a large sum and not make it the main narrative. I'm focusing more heavily on the emotional side of things now.

Last edited on 03 Jun 2020 04:54 by Zyn Show more

Re: Just Like Grandma Used To Make - Greenlight Needed

Zyn 03 Jun 2020 05:07

[Part of my work is editing clinical documents […]

The average site reader/voter isn't going to know this or give you any sort of benefit of the doubt for it. If they read something that feels overly bloated with text, the most likely scenario is they'll downvote and move on rather than checking the author's background to see why the text is overexplained.

Would something like finding written notes, or a journal of some sort and including excerpts work?

Potentially, so long as these discovered documents don't seem too convenient and the exposition feels like natural investigation rather than spoonfed exposition. Readers these days have gotten tired of the "convenient note conveniently explains everything needed" approach.

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which immediately popped in the idea of this being some sort of 'modern potion bowl'

This could work. It's sort of reminiscent of Tomie dePaola and his Strega Nona character with her magic pasta pot. That said, it might be more fun to pursue this as a Serpent's Hand group of interest document (something like this: http://www.scp-wiki.net/blue-lily-chains) than an SCP article.

I've decided to leave it as an addendum, a request to go further into research - unsure whether to leave it as pending due to ethics or denied due to lack of interest.

To be honest, I'm not sure you really need this mention. It doesn't really add much in the way of unique perspective or additional interest to the narrative for me.

With that said, I'm also putting a pending on a lot of the medical side of things

I'm still not convinced you really need this, since it still feels like the Foundation is trying very hard to find a use for this anomaly, however far-fetched, when they don't really have any reason to believe it's useful at all.

That said, if enough experienced reviewers have stated an interest in seeing the medical applications further explored, and you're interested in pursuing that angle, by all means do so. I don't think this is the kind of piece I would necessarily read and vote on if I encountered it on the mainsite, so I'm not your target audience here.

Re: Just Like Grandma Used To Make - Greenlight Needed

Gamzeemakara03 03 Jun 2020 20:26

The average site reader/voter isn't going to know this or give you any sort of benefit of the doubt for it. If they read something that feels overly bloated with text, the most likely scenario is they'll downvote and move on rather than checking the author's background to see why the text is overexplained.

I understand, which is why i'm making sure to have others triple check me on the sandbox draft!

Potentially, so long as these discovered documents don't seem too convenient and the exposition feels like natural investigation rather than spoonfed exposition. Readers these days have gotten tired of the "convenient note conveniently explains everything needed" approach.

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One of my roomates brought up the fact that it was an estate sale, so it would be hard to locate any notes found in the fashion of the normal house search. They DID however recommend something along the lines of a discovery made via research of ancestry- not of the object, but of the person. Finding out who they are related to, where there histories lead revealing secrets lost on current time.

That said, it might be more fun to pursue this as a Serpent's Hand group of interest document … than an SCP article.

I'm really hoping to keep this as an SCP article for this specific item, but based on where it's leading, i do think making a connection with the serpent's hand would be interesting- perhaps that is where the ancestry leads connections to? I was looking through some of the articles located there, and I noticed in the wanderer symbols- there is one that says 'Don't eat the food', which I feel I can Photoshop and work into the imagery on the dish. Maybe it's an older dish relating to the The Wanderers' Library, an artifact of some kind? A large part of the serpent's hand is making sure the public is aware of paranormal be kept public, and they're more a band of individuals. That doesn't seem too far fetched to think someone of the public could then have an artifact relating to it, especially if their ancestry connects.

I understand the concerns with the medical portion still. I'm still working on a lot of editing, adding and removing certain parts to make for an interesting story that isn't headed in a thousand different directions. Some people have expressed positive opinions on the science aspect though, so I'm wanting to leave a hint of it in still!

Last edited on 03 Jun 2020 21:04 by Gamzeemakara03 Show more

Re: Just Like Grandma Used To Make - Greenlight Needed

Zyn 04 Jun 2020 05:01

Finding out who they are related to, where there histories lead revealing secrets lost on current time.

What are these "secrets"? I'm still missing the story behind the bowl's existence here.

but based on where it's leading, i do think making a connection with the serpent's hand would be interesting- perhaps that is where the ancestry leads connections to?

Eh… the way this is presented, the Serpent's Hand tie-in seems more like a gratuitous namedrop than an inherent part of the story. This sort of item as it currently is described wouldn't really be considered much of an interest to members of the Hand—it'd be an annoying gewgaw at best, and nothing more if there's no story behind the point of the bowl's existence besides "it just exists because it does".

The reason I suggested the SH entry format is because that approach would give you as the author more narrative freedom to describe the item's backstory from the point of view of those who know exactly how the item works due to personal experience and word-of-mouth, without the need for scientific rigor. If you really want to go the SCP article approach, you're going to need a more interesting narrative beyond "it hurts people and some old lady owned it before she died".

A large part of the serpent's hand is making sure the public is aware of paranormal be kept public

Not necessarily. All it takes to be a member of the Hand is considering yourself a member of the Hand. There are plenty of members and associates who would prefer that the anomalous community remain out of the public eye, especially with how humans have messed with the environment and each other.

Re: Just Like Grandma Used To Make - Greenlight Needed

Naveil 01 Jun 2020 16:11

Responding to PM Request - will crit soon-ish

Re: Just Like Grandma Used To Make - Greenlight Needed

The Pighead 02 Jun 2020 18:49

Had been summoned by PM, so here I come. Pighead In, let's take a look. For the record, there's a strong risk of repeating what reviewers above had said before, so listen to them first. That said, let's begin!

Elevator Pitch : So, the anomaly. I will not deny it, is not super appealing to me. It's a classic "thing that do a thing" and there's nothing else. And even if you try to put reasons of why it exists, it stays pretty normal and not really inspired (I think that we already had a lot of objects that someone had found in a shop or something similar, because many people had previously died). Hopefully, you had not added a compulsion effect but, in general, this pitch is not very appealing.

Central Narrative : Not a fan at all. It looks more like what happens when you're a victim of the object, rather than a real actual narrative. And alas, I don't really feel sadness for the victims of the object. I get that it's repetitive and that it's a sort of hate loop, but after three times, it's not emotions that I feel, I'm more like "OK, I get it, goddamn, show me something else!". And, actually, there's really nothing else I can say. This narrative don't feel like it's a real one and I'm just not a fan.

And I will stop here. No greenlight from me. And I'm really sorry, because reviewers above had said more things than me and I'm late to the party, so there's nothing new that I can say. But for being short, I'm simply not really interested about that. For the rest, my advice is to follow what Zyn tell you above. It's all for me, Pighead Out.

Re: Just Like Grandma Used To Make - Greenlight Needed

Gamzeemakara03 02 Jun 2020 20:53

Thank you, Pighead!

I'm altering a lot of ideas now, and even if you didn't have much new to say, I appreciate the feedback!