Idea: The Amethyst

Summary:

This is my first SCP ever, I need help evaluating this idea

The Amethyst

richardtrle 26 May 2020 03:59

Seeking Greenlights: Yes

Page Type: SCP Article

Genre: Horror and Drama

Page Layout: Standard ConProc, Description, First infolog, Additional Info, Additional Logs

+ Show Concept

Elevator Pitch: Otherwordly amethyst, it irradiates a constant light. This light accumulates if it's contained in tightly locked places, causing explosions. This light resonates with the brain causing well-being, improving sensory abilities, the intelect.

Central Narrative: It was a amethyst crystal originally under Researcher Takenaka possession until it was smuggled from Takenaka's office by his son, Lee, a very skilled gemcutter. It had little power in its uncut form. Once Lee spotted the gem, he became interested in it, smuggling it.

He spent years cutting it, under its "guidance". When its last side was cut, it absorbed and trapped a beam of light, activating its current form. Lee doomed himself and the others.

It came under Foundation's radar when several missing people were reported, including Lee. Takenaka went to see his son, he found the SCP inside Lee's office, bringing it back to Foundation Sector 12, due to its effect he missed the fact that there was origami everywhere.

Initially considered safe, until a clerk ingest it, he was treated but caused people around him to become addicted. Takenaka contacted Researcher Neil. Neil conducted experiments, but he and his team went MIA.

Takenaka was detained and interviewed. A breach took place, people from within the foundation wanted to see and touch the gem, even using people as hostages, but they all disappeared. It was reassessed Euclid, contained within a safe, but it exploded. Foundation decided to put it under surveillance control.

Hook/Attention-Grabber: The SCP irradiates light, putting people under a frenzy, addicted state, ultimately turning them into origami. Addicted people also turn others midly addicted to it. People who are tranquilized before "transmutation" has no recollection of past events.

Its effects are reduced by not looking at the gem, does not take place if someone is observed by nonaffected people and totally with Nightvision goggle.

Additional Notes: The "origami" people are actually transported to another dimension.

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This is my first SCP ever, I have also a draft if anyone wants to see it, please ask me.

As everyone around in here I am mostly wondering about, whether or not this has been done before and Whether or not it is a good idea.

Thanks in advance!!

Last edited on 27 May 2020 03:29 by richardtrle Show more

Forum Criticism Team - Captain Post

Zyn 26 May 2020 05:02

Author, as per the Ideas Critique required reading: http://www.scp-wiki.net/forum/t-13095662/required-reading:how-to-use-this-forum-ideas the last four sections of the template (Elevator Pitch, Central Narrative, Hook/Attention-Grabber, and Additional Notes) should not exceed 400 words. What you have here is almost 285 words over the limit. Please trim your material accordingly. Also, do not link to a sandbox unless a reviewer asks to see a draft.

Remember to please edit your previous post using the "edit" function under the "options" tab to the lower right of your first comment rather than creating a new thread.

Once you have revised your post accordingly, please reach out to reviewers to request that they look at your thread. You can find a list of ways to contact reviewers in this thread: http://www.scp-wiki.net/forum/t-13282692/how-to-get-more-reviews

Re: Forum Criticism Team - Captain Post

richardtrle 27 May 2020 02:46

Done.

Re: Idea: The Amethyst

Naepic 27 May 2020 04:00

The anomalous properties are so everywhere that I can't say anything that Roget hasn't said below.

Your narrative, likewise, is also everywhere: Takenawa bringing their son, who is just a gemcutter mind you, into their Foundation office is already incredulous enough. Then we find out the Lee actually IS a Foundation person, but had the brilliant idea of cutting the gem? You yourself said it has very little power, so how was it able to influence Lee?

And then someone ingests this magic stone?

This just goes all over the place.

Last edited on 30 May 2020 15:45 by Naepic Show more

Re: Idea: The Amethyst

TheMightyMcB 27 May 2020 04:49

Placeholder.

Re: Idea: The Amethyst

RJB_R 27 May 2020 14:21

This idea is all over the place, it has explosive light but also buffs people and it makes you go crazy and turn into origami. The only part of that which feels to me like it has legs is the origami bit. I can imagine that going to some dark places which seems to be what you’re going for with horror/drama. I would get rid of everything else and let “thing that turns people into origami” be the seed of a new idea.

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Whether you like it or not, history is on our side. We will bury you!

Re: Idea: The Amethyst

Naveil 29 May 2020 17:28

Responding to PM Request

Welp, I'm late, but still faster than chat staff d:

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+ Open Crit

Honestly, your explanations are flying all over the place. Does the light benefit humans or transport into another dimension? You have both down. If I'm being completely honest, this isn't written in a particularly coherent manner.

It was a amethyst crystal originally under Researcher Takenaka possession until it was smuggled from Takenaka's office by his son, Lee

So, this is sort of weird, which is in part aided by the lack of context. Was the crystal anomalous beforehand? Was the office in the Foundation or otherwise? How did Lee manage to smuggle it?

Initially considered safe, until a clerk ingest it

Wha…? Someone ate the SCP? I really can't think of a reasonable scenario in which this would occur. At the very least, this comes off as a plot device sprung from forced incompetence.

Overall, the narrative, on top of not being explained very well, doesn't feel coherent. A string of events happen, and that's just sort of… it? You really need to think about a) how to display this narrative in an SCP article format and b) whether the narrative is an endearing experience for the reader. I'll leave you with a few guides, namely:
- Common SCP Pitfalls
- essay regarding scps, narratives, and how they can share a page
- The Big List of Overdone SCP Cliches

Hope my feedback was of assistance!

Re: Idea: The Amethyst

Prof_D1VY 29 May 2020 20:01

There is not a clear line of "reasoning" established in this. Basically this is all over the place. You should first get some mini ideas in this big picture and expand those specifically. The starting was really good: a crystal that constantly radiates energy, enough to cause severe damage to its surroundings because the radiation builds up. You can add things like implications to containment procedures because of this property, and you can tweak that story that goes with the SCP. The part where people turn into origami could be expanded on in the final story that there is. I feel that could be expanded further into something horror, with people just dissapearing and origami replacing them. But you shouldn't add many more things to that, it already is very wierd concept enough. It can be made into something scary/cool though.

Last edited on 29 May 2020 20:11 by Prof_D1VY Show more

Re: Idea: The Amethyst

richardtrle 31 May 2020 23:58

I appreciate everybody's comment so far

I have think to adjust in some proper way the idea, as soon as it is formated I'm going to edit the thread accordingly