My first SCP! "Nostalgic Blade"

Summary:

will make anyone who was cut by it remember it's best or it's worst

My first SCP! "Nostalgic Blade"

Droxboy 24 May 2020 08:37

A sword, that when wielded by a specific individual, will make anyone who was cut by it remember it's best or it's worst nigthmares/dreams/memories.

I moved and trimmed your thread summary, since it was taking up a lot of space in the main forum screen. Try to keep thread descriptions (the text in the little box under the thread title) short so you don't crowd out other authors in the forum listing. ~Zyn

Seeking Greenlights: Yes

Page Type: SCP Article

Page Layout : A standard SCP article, with interview that tell it's story

Genre :Drama/Emotional

Elevator Pitch: SCP-XXXX-1 is teen Caucasian male who is the only one capable of activating the anomaly property of a sword (SCP-XXXX-2) made from the bones and skin of his bigger deceased brother. When the sword cuts someone, no matter how small the cut, the victim will enter a state in which he/she remembers or creates the worst nightmare or most beautiful dream it experienced. The subject does not appear to have aged since discovery and contact with SCP-XXXX-2.

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Central Narrative : Through interview logs we find out that SCP-XXXX-1 and his older brother where both orphans and escaped from their foster home 3 years before his discovery by the Foundation. Because of that they had to live out how they can, in the woods that SCP-XXXX-1 was first found not far from the discovery sight there was an abandoned and rusty school bus in the forest, that's where they lived. One day when they where going to a store they where familiar with to steal the food that was expired from the garbage, when they where caught by the owner, and they quickly ran back into the forest that was located in the back of the store. The owner grabbed his rifle ,thinking that they where wild animals, and shot in the direction of the boys that where running as fast as they could. The first shot missed, second hit the subjects brother in the leg, SCP-XXXX-1 grabbed him and continued to run while hearing his crying of pain, the third hit his brother in the chest. No more shots where fired. The boy cried upon his brother’s lifeless corpse. He buried him along with a symbol of their childhood, a wooden sword. They used to play and pretend they where captains of a pirate ship or knights in shining armour and that sword represented their childhood. The third day he visited the grave he noticed something growing, he saw flesh tissues that grew and grew right before his eyes. Bones came up in the shape of a sharp blade, the handle was made of vertebra and the guard from flesh. When he touched the sword he cut himself, thus activating SCP-XXXX-2's anomalous property, he saw the best times of his life spent with his brother followed by his brother's death. That is when he started crying so loud that he was found by a woman hiking, and he was handled by the foundation after cutting the woman out of grief and self defense.

Hook/Attention-Grabber: The story

Additional Notes: none

As a courtesy to our readers on mobile devices, please collapse long posts. ~Zyn

Last edited on 03 Jun 2020 11:32 by Droxboy Show more

Forum Criticism Team - Captain Post

Zyn 25 May 2020 19:25

Since this thread has fallen to page 6 with no responses, this is a quick staff reminder to the author that if you haven't yet, you should contact reviewers directly to request feedback as needed.

Please refer to this thread for more information: http://www.scp-wiki.net/forum/t-13282692/how-to-get-more-reviews

If you have already reached out to multiple reviewers and received no reply, notify a staff member for assistance finding a reviewer.

Re: My first SCP! "Nostalgic Blade"

Leveritas 26 May 2020 10:25

Right, so the biggest flaw in this is the sword itself, which is essentially a magic item trope. Therefore, you have a pretty big challenge set up for yourself, because you have to make the boy and/or his story interesting enough to offset that and carry the narrative with it. The boy being randomly found in the woods is kind of contrived, but if the story you tell is good enough, that might not matter. That doesn't mean it will be easy though; humanoids are very difficult to do well.

And then there's the sword. Who made it, if any? Are they good guy or bad guy? Why was it made? Is it the only one?

Re: My first SCP! "Nostalgic Blade"

Droxboy 26 May 2020 11:38

Thank you for the feedback Leveritas! I have the story planed out, but didn't include it in the post because i didn't knew if I should. This is my first time posting an idea and the message I understood from the way it should be structured, is that I should keep it short. If you recommend it I could edit the original post and ad the story of the boy and the sword to my narrative. At first I tried using mystery as a tool of storytelling, to keep it short. So my question is "Should I edit the post to include a shortened version of the whole story even if it's a bit longer?". Reading this question out loud, it sounds stupid, but the truth is I really don't know. My plan was, if this got greenlighted (and I hope so much it will), that I will include the story of the boy and the sword in the draft through interview logs with SCP-XXXX-1.

Re: My first SCP! "Nostalgic Blade"

Naveil 29 May 2020 18:05

Responding to PM Request

So I'll start by saying that the pitch seems interesting enough. I'm generally a sucker for narratives that explore human nature and emotion, but the thing is, the rest of your narrative takes a completely different course?

Like the narrative just feels… silly. Granted, many narratives feel silly without the freedom of executing the idea, but you sort of have to take step back and realize how formulaic and cliché the whole thing sounds.
Like, the shopkeeper murdering a little kid for shoplifting seems cynically hilarious and far overshadows any emotional energy you're trying to convey by having the brother die. The cherry on top is the mental image of the other kid picking up his brother's corpse and running out of the shop.

As I stated before, my main issue with the narrative is that it's completely origin-story based, instead of actually taking advantage of the object's gimmick. You have the kid's dream (and maybe the lady's?), but assuming you're going for interview format, all of it would've already been explained to us? I don't know, I just feel like the drama and emotion you're trying to present just doesn't really work.

Re: My first SCP! "Nostalgic Blade"

Droxboy 29 May 2020 19:16

First of all, thank you for the review, I now understand the problems with the narrative and I will try to fix them since the part of the story that you pointed out is the part that I've been struggling with the most. I've rushed into making an origin story and written the most crucial part the worst. The death of the brother. It will be changed but the formation of the sword will be the same. The origin story is the hardest and I will try my best in trying to make a memorable one.

Update: I changed the way that he dies explaining everything in the best way I could describe it happening, I was limited by the word counter but I said "screw it" and went overboard with 50 words. I just want to see what will people think of my writing and constructive critique such as this really pushed me further into trying to do better every time, so I thank you once again for taking a looc at my concept.

Last edited on 29 May 2020 19:58 by Droxboy Show more

Re: My first SCP! "Nostalgic Blade"

Naveil 01 Jun 2020 17:28

I was limited by the word counter but I said "screw it" and went overboard with 50 words.

Uh, that's probably because you have the same passage written twice. Proof reading is important, y'know.

In any case, I still don't like it. The absurd origin was only a small part of the problem, and one that you addressed poorly imo. Like, it still reads awkwardly, mainly from the fact that you're still trying to salvage the core concept of the origin, when it never actually worked in the first place.

Like, you have the set up for something, but by focusing entirely on the origin, you're losing that potential. In my complete honest opinion, you should reconsider the stance you want to take on the SCP, or just scrap it entirely. I just really don't enjoy the ideas you're throwing at me thus far.