SCP Draft : The Sewer of Toys
Hello guys. I have been inactive for a long time because of family problems… But I'm finally back with my SCP draft.
My original idea who was greenlighted by DarkStuff and
tupacofficial.
SCP Draft : The Sewer of Toys
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» SCP Draft : The Sewer of Toys
Placeholder - will crit in 24 hours!
Hey, my apologies for not responding to this. I recently had some major upheaval in my personal life and I won't be able to crit for you. Best of luck in your work!
EDIT: I apologize, but my daily life has taken up most of my energy and attention this week and I feel as if my crit will not be up to standard. As such, I have asked that MalyceGraves review this piece as my replacement.
I again apologize for this inconvenience.
(account deleted)Some minor spelling and grammatical mistakes, easy to fix. Some minor problems with nonensical details (I.E: An LED light from a toy car would hypithetically be no different from any other LED?)
also background on D-Class like "Is a daughter of a wealthy Venezuelan" breaks clinical tone since that information isnt pertinent to the tests being done. unless the D-class' background somehow effects the outcome of the test.
not on the review board, but if you need an editor I do that in my spare time.
I have finished with my critique.
First thing I want to point out before I get into anything else is that there is a lot of reliance upon formatting gimmicks that really don't play well anymore. the cross through stuff and all the ███s really clutter the visual field and are far more distracting than intended.
I get that the strikethroughs are supposed to invoke a feeling of immediacy, like this document is a living thing, but it's been so overplayed that it can no longer defeat the simple inconsistency that comes from the fact that this is a digital document. Why didn't the editor just delete the old stuff?
It is very rare these days for me to come across something where the struck verbiage really adds anything substantial to the narrative. The trade off of adding urgency to your story vs cluttering the visual field isn't worth it anymore and it just ends up looking sloppy as hell.
As for the blackboxes, it is a similar thing. It can be used as a mystery aid, but even that is so rarely used appropriately that it just comes off as unnecessarily obtuse. In this case you are redacting things that don't need to be redacted. Sure, I get that you're using it to remove data that isn't germane, but you're doing it at the cost of legitimacy.
sewer located under the city of ██████,
Just name the city. We know it's not actually there, but putting in the name of a place that sounds real makes it FEEL more legitimate. Plus, if we have the security clearance to be reading this in the first place, we almost certainly have clearance to read what's behind the blackbox.
SPaG
There are numerous SPaG errors throughout this piece. I'll highlight a few as examples, but this is by no means a comprehensive list.
Following the discoveries cited in Addendum XXXX-2, SCP-XXXX can not be confined.
This should properly be "cannot be contained." Additionally, putting this so close to the opening aspects of your narrative is intended as providing a hook: "Oh, I need to read more to find out why" but you haven't given enough of a story yet for this hook to properly set. Tell me something of value first. The strikethrough doesn't count.
4 agents must be sent in reconnaissance in the city of ██████ to report any opening made by SCP-XXXX.
Numbers less than 13 should be properly spelled out. Even then, I generally ask myself if it is more appropriate to use the word or the numeral. For instance, MTF Sigma-33 is best as a numeral, as this is part of its designation. "Four agents" is a descriptor, so it should be properly written out as a word.
Also, "City of" should be capitalized as "city" is a part of a proper noun in this instance. Generic "city" is lower case. "City of Los Angeles" is a title.
Agents must then hide the entries. Anyone trying to enter SCP-XXXX must be arrested.
I believe you mean "entrances". Also, the proper terminology would be "Anyone found attempting to enter SCP-XXXX must be detained."
"Arrest" is a very specific term and it isn't a catch-all for detention.
Anyone who has seen SCP-XXXX-2 must be intercepted by an agent to administer Category A amnesia.
This is improper. First, the word is "amnestic". From Wikipedia "Amnesia is a deficit in memory caused by brain damage or disease, but it can also be caused temporarily by the use of various sedatives and hypnotic drugs.". Amnestics are the drugs utilized by the Foundation to induce amnesia.
That being said, consider:
"All persons who have observed SCP-XXXX-2 instances must be detained and treated with Category A amnestics before being released."
The phenomenon can not be predictable.
This is improper. Consider:
"This phenomenon is unpredictable." or "This phenomenon appears randomly and manifestations cannot be predicted."
Consistency/Flow
There are also numerous instances of poor consistency and word flow throughout. Again, I will showcase a few here as examples, but this is by no means a comprehensive list.
extending over a perimeter of ██ km.
This should be specific and would never be redacted. This is vital information to understand the scope of the anomaly and redacting it makes no sense from a narrative standpoint.
The interior of SCP-XXXX is like a normal sewer.
This is very poor clinical tone. Consider:
"The interior of SCP-XXXX share visible characteristics with common city sewer systems."
The hallmark of good clinical tone is objectivity. Each word/phrase needs to be specific, and if the word choices can be defined in a subjective manner then it is almost certainly not clinical. For instance, "normal sewer" is very different depending on what region of the world you grew up in, what time period you are used to, etc. The sewer system in New York City is vastly different from the one in Mulberry, ND, but both would be considered "normal" for the municipality they exist within.
The toy or stuffed animal that enters SCP-XXXX comes alive (it will be named SCP-XXXX-1).
This is also very poor clinical tone. "Comes alive" is very open to interpretation. Do they animate and become "lifelike", or do they transmute into flesh-and-blood-and-breathing iterations of their prexistant selves?
Also "toy or stuffed animal" is excessively broad. Does this mean that toy gun becomes this horrible fleshy approximation of a gun? Or does it become a 'real' gun capable of firing/projecting some sort of damaging force/projectile/beam? What about adult "toys"? Be more specific.
Closing Remarks
This entire piece needs considerable work. Even so, the idea itself isn't one that I find particularly appealing in the way it is being presented. It relies heavily upon fairly common tropes and appears derivative from pre-existant SCP content.
The SCP-XXXX-2 feels like a mix up of SCP-191 and the nightmare creations of Sid from Toy Story. In fact, the "living toy" part itself feels like things we'd find underneath Sid's bed.
There are SPaG errors and improper word choices in almost every sentence and that subsequently makes the entire piece exceptionally difficult to read. Additionally, the absence of proper clinical tone is consistent almost universally. Finally, there are multiple instances of improper verb tenses in dialogue and action descriptors.
I do not mean to be unnecessarily cruel but this is nowhere near ready to be posted to the main site. The grammar errors are so egregious that I find it nearly impossible to give direction beyond advising that you should spend a lot more time working on the fundamentals of writing when you work on cleaning this up.
My primary suggestion would be to spend a good bit of time reading and consuming published work here and elsewhere. In order to be a good writer, an author must first be a good reader.
There are lots of examples of exceptional writing to be found here, and I think that you could benefit a great deal from taking the time to read more.
Alright. Let me some time to correct everything. I will probably PM you when the draft will be correct. Thanks for the critic.
Alright so let's check this out.
Object Class: Safe
Special Containment Procedures: Due to the nature of SCP-XXXX, SCP-XXXX cannot be contained.
Good hook, but this better pay off later.
Agents must then hide the entrances.
Fold this into the sentences before or after it to avoid having such a small phrase nestled in there.
Agents
Additionally, you might want to assign a MTF to this, or you might want to consider using something like "the SCP-XXXX containment team" as opposed to "agents".
Category A amnestics
You can call them this if you wanna, but most people call them Class-A amnestics.
City of Seraphia
Why is "City" capitalized and why do you not say where Seraphia is?
There are █ entries (manholes, sewer grilles) leading to SCP-XXXX .
This blackbox doesnt buy you anything here. I know it's a number greater than one and less than ten, why not just give us the number? Why hide it? Also you have a space between SCP-XXXX and the period. You do that a lot, go through and fix it.
SCP-XXXX seems to be able to create and remove entries leading to it.The reasons for this phenomenon remain unknown.
Cut out "seems to be". Tell us what it is, what we know. Also you dont have a space between those sentences.
The interior of SCP-XXXX share visible characteristics with common city sewer systems.
share -> shares
The interior of SCP-XXXX seems to be full of toys and stuffed animals that seem alive (named SCP-XXXX-1).
Cut out basically every instance of "seems to be", "appears to be", all of that wishy washy language.
SCP-XXXX-1 shows no sign of intelligence and ignores all human presences and walks around SCP-XXXX indefinitely, without purpose.
You used "and" twice. Use commas instead. Also, you can't just say it does something for no reason at all, especially if we don't actually know that.
The SCP-XXXX-1 present in SCP-XXXX are mainly stuffed animals, rubber ducks, dolls, wooden trains, articulated puppets representing characters and remote controlled cars.
This is awkward, I would rephrase it entirely.
It is still unclear whether SCP-XXXX-2 is a toy or a human using toys as prostheses.
SCP-XXXX-2 flees from all human presence.
Not sure why there's a break here. You're still talking about -2.
Honestly at this point I think I will stop giving the line edits, because I've had to point out something in nearly every sentence up til now and im not even out of the description yet. All of my crits from this point forward will be more general advise or pointing out the most egregious errors. Your clinical tone and SPaG need some serious work.
This couple is given the name of SCP-XXXX-3 (SCP-XXXX-3-1 designating the human and SCP-XXXX-3-2 designating SCP-XXXX-1).
You have way too many designations, I can't keep them straight and none of them are interesting enough yet to stand out. Simplify this system.
P.S :
This is not clinical, don't do it.
Exploration #XXXX-1
Wrap all of this in quoteblocks or some kind of div.
Dr ████████
Just come up with a doctor's name. It's very hard to remember who Dr ████████ is, especially compared to like Dr Martinez or something.
(D-4809 was found by officers 2 days later, outside of SCP-XXXX, playing with SCP-XXXX-1 which touched him during exploration. D-4809 behaved like a 2 year old child using a toy. When an agent attempted to separate SCP-XXXX-1 from D-4809, D-4809 attacked the agent to retake SCP-XXXX-1. The agents therefore guided D-4809 (accompanied by SCP-XXXX-1) to a vehicle to take him to his cell in Site-██. D-4809 and SCP-XXXX-1 (representing a wooden train) were the first SCP-XXXX-3.)
This is an absolute clusterfuck.
D-6544: You idiot !! You scare this poor girl !!
Your dialogue is stiff as a board and severely tears me out of your piece. People don't talk like this.
Addendum XXXX-3 (SCP-XXXX Discovery Report):
Why are we just now getting the discovery after three exploration logs? Makes no sense, not to mention that the discovery log doesnt give the reader any new information at all.
Sullivan Jossaraki had a daughter named Joanna, who was nicknamed "JJ" by the locals. Everyone in town loved JJ. It was thanks to her that the locals learned about her father's store. But one of the reasons that the locals liked JJ was that she donated toys to orphanages for orphans in the city. Unfortunately, the father did not like that his daughter gave toys to the orphans, without receiving money in return. And as JJ continued to disobey his father, Sullivan ended up locking his daughter up in his house.
This is straight up prose and has no place in an SCP article.
Overall, this is not good. The clinical tone and dialogue are extremely subpar and the story itself is not interesting to me at all. I would downvote this, and it would basically take a ground up rewrite for me to change my mind.
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page revision: 1, last edited: 02 Apr 2021 15:16
