SCP by Series
SCP Tales by Series
SCP Library
Discover Content
SCP Community
User Resources
I'd like some critiques on my second SCP draft, which is located on the first tab! - Approx. ~3000 Words
http://scp-sandbox-3.wikidot.com/chiifu2
Proof of greenlights:
Staff notice: as a courtesy to reviewers, please remember to put a wordcount for your draft.
Saving to crit at a later date. promise I'll get back to it in 24 hours max!
Alright here's my take:
"with minimally-equipped bases housing D-Class personnel located around its perimeter."
What is the actual reason for the D-Class to be located around the SCP. Individuals are evacuated so it seem pointless to have D-Class here
"In the event of Dr. Poliester's absence, a senior researcher under the mentoring of Dr. Poliester, or a site director is to take over the evaluation process."
This adds nothing to the story or containment. Unless there is a very specfic reason Dr. Poliester is gone.
"it should be noted that its effects worsen overtime."
I know you have told me how it worsens. But perhaps havign something like a table that shows each stage of memory loss. Or perhaps how long it take to worsen overtime. This is more a me thing than a crit.
"Origins pertaining to SCP-XXXX are unknown. It is hypothesized by Dr. Poliester, that the reason for this is due to SCP-XXXX's memory degradation effect and remote location."
Perhaps I just don't understand this, but it doesn't feel like a hypothesis. It just feels like you said what your SCP does and that is in a remote location. It needs rewording for the reader to understand.
"Wilmer was eager, but at the same time slightly bothered at the fact that he wouldn't see his parents in a long time."
In a video log, this feels unnatural. how does a video show this? I think saying something about his facial expressions would be much better.
[>] Pre-Incident-XXXX.F: Video Transcript Before Memory Loss (1)
Okay I'll sum up the first video transcript. The first video log (at 8/30/2006) felt unnecessary. It didn't add to the story at all. The other two are very good and the use of saying "don't forgot us" foreshadows the future. I really liked that. Made me feel bad knowing that something bad will happen to them.
[>] Pre-Incident-XXXX.F: Transcript of Hargrove's Letters (2)
To sum this one up. I see nothing I can pick out from dialogue. The amount of time that passes seems too much for me, but that is your decision.
[>] Incident-XXXX.F: Transcript of Hargrove's Letters (1)
To sum this up. I feel it is completely uneeded. It didn't show any affect on Lucile after Incident-XXXX-F.
[>] Incident-XXXX.F: Transcript of Wilmer's Initial Contact With Lucile (2)
Summing this up. It's good, I like it. the fast end to the video log makes me feel like a heavy burden has just dropped onto Wilmer.
"Wilmer was distraught, his face curled in dejection."
I feel this needs to be showed in a more professional way. It's a video log, not a fictional book.
"Wilmer's expression visibly sank, as he clutched his chest with his hand."
Same as before. It's a video log.
"Wilmer stopped speaking for a few seconds, then mumbled out a few words."
This can be shortened to "Wilmer stopped speaking for a few seconds." last bit adds nothing.
"Lucile: I don't know what's happening here, but that man cannot speak."
Why can't he speak. I thought the properties was memory loss, not completly mute.
"Foreword: The following is an excerpt of an interview log conducted 5 days after evacuation and recovery of the Hargrove family within SCP-XXXX."
How were they recovered? If they live in the SCP's AoE. doesn't that mean foundation members will get affected. Perhaps a recovery log will clear this up.
[>] Incident-XXXX.F: Transcript of Wilmer's Interview (4)
This transcript feels very abrupt ending. I felt the that Dr. Poliester would have more sympathy.
[>] Incident-XXXX.F: Transcript of Lucile's Interview (5)
Same as the last transcript. It feels Dr. Poliester has two personalities. At points he's very caring and at others he seems emotionless.
"He nodded, and was visibly depressed."
So does the father still remember Lucile? Was he affected by the SCP? It gives more questions than answers.
"Closing Statement: Almone Hargrove has developed complete loss of motor functions: such as writing, talking, and reading. Complete loss of any abilities as a result of SCP-XXXX ceases to recover."
add these affects to your description of your SCP. Would make it sound more interesting in my opinion.
[>] Incident-XXXX.F: Transcript of Almone's Interview (6)
Other than the crit above. I like this transcript. It shows the emotions of Almone and I feel sorry for him.
"Closing Statement: Wilmer Hargrove has developed near complete loss of emotional regulation."
Same as the affects with the father this needs to be added in the description. Your SCP in my eyes have varying affects on different people and the reader needs to know that, otherwise it feels confusing.
[>] Incident-XXXX.F: Transcript of Wilmer's Final Interview (7)
Other than the crit above, I like this transcript.
[>] Incident-XXXX.F: Overview (8)
After reading the overview I see how they all are affected by memory loss. However typically memory loss means the loss of memories and not emotions or certain functions like talking. I would clear this up in your description other than saying memory loss gets worse over time.
Bear in my mind this is my first time giving a proper crit to someone else. I hope my crit can help you in anyway it can.
Overall I enjoyed the read. I'm invested in the characters. I feel the Dr could do with some work and how he communicates as he feels the most inconsistant. Good luck!
Thanks for the crit Moon! I applied a few changes, and hopefully that ending cleared up most of your questions! I added a little note at the end of the desc. in hopes that it clears up some confusion.
Responding to PM request.
While I try to be thorough, I become less likely to point out recurring issues if I find myself repeating. Keep this in mind as we go further.
Now, let's begin.
So, conprocs are good. They don't overstay, they set up future events nicely, and we have an idea of what the anomaly does through implication. I really don't have any complaints about them, so let's move on.
Red Circle Showing Possible Inflicted Area
"Inflicted" is a strange word here. It might be right, though that makes it seem like the effect was imposed as opposed to just occurring one day. It may be more accurate to say something like "SCP-XXXX, as shown by the red circle." or something to that effect. Something to consider.
Description is rather clean, too. Gets straight to the point while remaining clear. One nitpick:
All transcripts involve a family affected by SCP-XXXX's anomalous properties.
This sentence sticks out to me in a weird way. I guess it is accurate to what the incident includes, but it may be good to be a bit clearer, even including the previous sentence.
The following documents are related to Incident-XXXX.F, each involving members of the Hargrove family and their exposure to SCP-XXXX.
It doesn't need to be exactly that, of course.
The video starts with a flickering screen, and Almone Hargrove trying to get the camera working.
Personal opinion: the line immediately afterwards tells us that Almone is trying to get it to work. You probably don't need the stuff after this comma.
The screen kept flickering, as Almone turns back and faces his son Wilmer.
Tense change. "The screen keeps flickering,". Comma after "son".
Wilmer smirks, as Lucile was chuckles in the background.
Remove "was".
Wilmer walks over to the camera, and adjusts a few things before the screen stops flickering.
Remove the comma.
The table was quiet, and nobody spoke a word for a minute.
Another tense change. You want to remain consistent here. You start the log in the present, then switch to the past in this line here.
Wilmer's parents sighs.
"sighs" to "sigh"
Make sure you keep in touch, and don't forget us!
So, I'm juuuuuust a bit wary of the overuse of exclamation points here. It either communicates as too enthusiastic or shouting. This is a family conversation. Their son is leaving. Sure, they are understanding and supportive, but reign in the emotions just a little bit.
Together, the Hargrove family bunched up as a trio, and took lots of photos before they parted.
You're getting a bit colorful here. You are describing a scene, but you are doing so within the confines of a science document. If I were to reword this…
The Hargrove family gets close and takes several photos together. Wilmer backs away slightly and checks his phone.
Something like that. It communicates the scene and sets up for the next line.
Wilmer: Got it… Mom.
The ellipsis here is… kind of awkward. And there are a lot of them. Keep in mind how many you are using.
Right before Wilmer parts from his parents, he hugs his mother and father.
Similar to the action I described earlier, this is just a bit clunky. A rewording could be something like "Wilmer quickly hugs both of his parents before moving towards towards the flight gate."
Whle I'm at it, taking a moment to describe the scene of each log would do some good, just to get an idea of the environment. The table scene does this well to set the kind of tone for the conversation that's about to happen; important matters get addressed at the kitchen table because it brings everyone together.
There's also the question of how most of these videos are being recorded and acquired by the Foundation. I'm assuming Wilmer has a video camera and that he wants to keep the footage for later viewing while he's away, which is why there is so many video logs. Cementing that would help maintain suspension of disbelief.
We're also planning on moving soon! Thinking of moving somewhere remote and quiet. The city life isn't for us anymore.
This is a bit sudden, actually. I was under the impression that they had always been at the anomalous location, but I guess that's the point of the "before Incident-XXXX.F" stuff. That's probably my fault for not picking up on it. That being said, you might not need that first collapsible of logs anyway. The first letter tells us everything we want to know: Wilmer has moved away to Europe for work and he's keeping in contact with his parents. Think about that.
The workload has been piling up, and I've gotten less free time to do whatever I want.
I think just a bit more detail into what Wilmer is doing for work would be good. I'm assuming these are handwritten letters, and saying so little every time is a bit strange if it isn't a holiday card or something. Sinking that intimate connection is imperative to pulling this off.
How has it been? For me, before I was sent off for some free time, work had been quite tough. The snow is starting to come down, so a lot of people are in need of new tires. There's also been a lot of people in need of new car replacements. People these days are so careless.
See? This is what I'm talking about. We know a little bit about Wilmer, we can get an idea of how hard things are for him, we can connect to him.
The video starts with a black screen and Wilmer Hargrove testing to see if his phone was recording.
Again, tense switch. "was" to "is". This is becoming a frequent occurrence.
Soon after, Almone stepped out from the dining room, with a face of pure sorrow.
His father didn't respond, and instead looked at him with a face of dejection and sadness.
Almone didn't utter a single word, instead he broke down in regret, leaning on Wilmer's shoulder.
Wilmer was shot with grief.
The tone needs improving. These get real colorful (bad word for this, I guess) in how they communicate the situation, causing a bias. The primary conceit of clinical tone is to be unbiased and impartial. It's how the Foundation appears cold. I suggest looking over your action descriptions here and reworking them for tone.
This interview isn't winning anything here. All it's done is reiterate the events that have already transpired. It's brief and forgettable. I suggest summarizing this interview plainly without actually containing the interview log, then moving onto the next log.
I'm feeling the same way about the next intveriew. It doesn't really do much to further the story here. Might be best to not include it at all or summarize it with Wilmer's interview summary.
Almone Hargrove nods in response to his greeting.
We can assume it's to the greeting. No need to state that it's in response.
Same deal with the previous two interviews. Nothing terribly new here.
Wilmer's final interview does move things forward, but the way he talks is kind of… I guess it's just whiny. It doesn't really make me feel for him as a character, I guess. Reworking a bit of his speech here might make it a little bit better. I definitely like the part where he asks if he can say goodbye. It primes us for something tough.
However, there was no emotion conveyed.
Give me a break. Remove this.
Closing Statement: Wilmer Hargrove has developed near complete loss of emotional regulation.
This, too. You don't need a closing statement every time.
This final log is disappointing as an ending.
I was really hoping that I could at least leave this with a no-vote, since I appreciated the themes you were pursuing in your concept pitch. Familial bonds resonate with everyone, because everyone has a family relationship, even those absent of one. Part of the human condition is based on upbringing.
However, I'm let down by this. You set up for some good plot beats, but ultimately go into a medical examination that does so little to make an impact. The overview especially lets me down, because I was so ready for Wilmer to face his parents for the last time. I can imagine the scene in my head as a pathetic attempt at closure, and generally just apathy in the face of something irreversible. Life moves on, but the heart doesn't forget. For god's sake, Almone is the only person in the room that can connect anymore, having both memory and feelings.
And instead we get this summary of what we already know. Lucile can't remember, Almone can't talk, and Wilmer can't feel. There's no connection with these characters you've built up to this point.
If this were on the main site, I'd downvote this.
Thanks for the review, it helped a ton actually. I'm going to revamp the draft a ton, in hopes that it conveys the proper feeling I want to invoke to the readers.
Would it be alright if I shot you another PM for a second look once it's completely revamped?
IRC Request - will crit soon
It's taken a while, but I've finally gotten to your draft. Within this year, too :P
I won't be going over line by line, since I've already done that on our IRC. Besides, it seemed like you changed quite a lot of the draft between now and then. I'll more or less just be going over what I liked, what I didn't, and what I think could've been done better.
Needless to say, I love the core concept. The thought and fear of your parents or loved ones forgetting you even exist is terrifying. It's the main reason I greenlighted this in the first place.
The clinical tone is also pretty spot on. I pointed out a few hiccups back when we were chatting on IRC, but I don't have any qualms at the moment.
Now, sadly, I can't really say I'm feeling the entire thing as a whole. The format changed quite a lot from when I took a look on IRC, but the core problem remains the same. In my honest opinion, the format you've chosen just feels too… formulaic? Everything feels so matter-of-fact, and flows in a way that doesn't make the narrative you want to tell particularly believable.
I feel like part of that has to do with the characters. The narrative you've chosen is completely character-driven, and unfortunately, the characters feel like the weakest part. None of the characters really feel… believable. They all feel like plot devices, if I'm honest. Once again, that could have to do with your format, but even in the interview log, both Lucile and Wilmer don't feel like real people, more so actors reading from a script trying too hard to sell the story.
I can only really link this guide on character, but in terms of the dialogue, I can only really distill it down to one piece of advice: what would a real person say in this situation? Would a real person be telling an interviewer that they no longer feel emotion in the most unapologetic way possible? I'll leave that up to you.
Finally, although I mentioned this on IRC, I feel the need to bring it up again. For the directions in the various logs, switch them up to the present tense. In general, I thought they weren't very clinical and read more like prose, which probably isn't great for an SCP article.
Overall, you have quite a bit to clean up, but I do see great potential in here for an excellent narrative and potentially great article. Good luck!
I'm not sure about this as a whole tbh. The concept is really evocative but it feels…like it progresses in an unsatisfying way? The relevance of the video logs/letters to the rest of it is questionable at best (in that, I understand narratively why you'd choose to include them in the story, but I don't get why the Foundation would add them to the SCP file. It…feels like they need a touch more contextualisation and for the characters to have more personality to them?
Like, what I mean is, you establish that Almone can't use the camera in the first log, and then nothing much else about the family with the rest? There's just a generic 'hey, I'm leaving the country for work' followed with a generic 'we'll send letters' (it's 2006: why not emails? or like, text messages or something?); like, you don't really setup say, what Almone is doing or like, any of any of their interests here?
The shallowness to the characters continues with the actual letters themselves: there's generic nods to Wilmer being super busy, and to Almone retiring, but there's no real personality to them: they don't mention any hobbies, or any specific activities, or even what field anyone works in! For a piece that's meant to be all about the characters, they just feel…very generic cos they don't refer to anything specifically about themselves?
So, the problem with this is that like, you haven't setup any big family moments for when they reintroduce: you can't have Wilmer be all 'Remember that time I scored a home run?' or anything because they're too generic as characters. And that means the impact of him not being recognised falls a little flat.
The change from Almone to Lucile being the main letter writer feels…too subtle to setup him becoming unable to communicate; and Lucile remembering Wilmer in the letters feels super weird cos like…why hasn't she forgotten him during the year or so they were in Manitoba but she does immediately in the 3 days between the last letter and him arriving? Like, I'd get something more like, 'you're not my son, I don't recognise you?' as the reaction there but it seems implausible that she leaps to 'I have no son'.
Wilmer's confused emotional state in the second last log is…kinda fun but it feels like it never really goes anywhere? It's sort of forgotten in the last log, so it just…idk, doesn't really matter.
Then the final log feels like a generic kinda…goodbye thing? It's touching but cos none of the characters have felt particularly interesting before, it doesn't quite land. Again, this'd be a great opportunity to tie in some kind of, shared interest or something: Wilmer being all 'remember to support the Blue Jays' or 'remember to look after the dog for me' or something.
Gonna note that I can miss stuff; flag things which are right as being wrong and indeed flag things which are deliberately wrong.
I'll likely use strikethrough to indicate stuff to remove and green text to indicate stuff to add.
SCP-XXXX, as shown by the red circle.
(Area could be smaller than shown)
I'd probably rephrase this to just 'Approximate location of SCP-XXXX' say.
As a result of Incident-XXXX.F, a boundary fence has been placed around the outskirts of SCP-XXXX, with minimally-equipped bases housing D-Class personnel located around its perimeter.
This feels, a touch too imprecise for my liking? Like, the number of bases, D-Class and what 'minimally-equipped' means are all left unsaid; and it feels like some of these should be used to hint at this behaving in a specific way.
and evaluated by Dr. Poliester for sustained memory loss.
I wouldn't have a single point of contact for this here: you mention suitable candidates in the next sentence and I'd suggest using that here; though it seems like you really want to use like medical doctors of some kind over 'site directors' since they're more management.
measuring at approximately 101,171 square meters.
This is a very precise approximation; I'd round to 100,000 square meters, or perhaps "0.1km^2"
SCP-XXXX was brought to the Foundation's attention after three civilians were exposed to its anomalous properties. It is currently unknown whether SCP-XXXX's anomalous properties are capable of affecting other areas; however, it should be noted that its effects worsen overtime.
This is a really weird paragraph cos the two sentences are completely unrelated; I'd probably move the note about it's discovery to the end, maybe grouping it with the stuff about the origins of SCP-XXXX
Origins pertaining to SCP-XXXX are unknown. It is hypothesized by Dr. Poliester that this is due to SCP-XXXX's anomalous properties and remote location.
"The origin of SCP-XXXX is unknown." would read better here than the first sentence; perhaps with 'cause' replacing 'origin'.
The second sentence feels weird like…it kinda makes sense but it's phrased in an iffy way to me.
The following documents below are related to Incident-XXXX.F, which all include a family affected by SCP-XXXX's anomalous properties. Level 4 clearance or higher is required.
I'm gonna suggest you add a line or something before this; and I'd probably write something more specific outlining who the characters are and why their footage is being included here.
Pre-Incident-XXXX.F: Video Transcript Before Memory Loss (1)
You have numbers in brackets at the end of all your collapsibles and I have no idea what the significance of them is.
I'd also suggest making the close collapsible message more distinct (perhaps also adding a symbol to indicate whether it's open or close; e.g, ■ and □ respectively)
Since there are no roads near your house at all, I've gotta drop off my car at a friends place. I'll be there soon by train
This is…weird to me? I mean, idk, it could be accurate but like, generally America is known for having extremely poor public transport infrastructure and really good road networks and I have no idea how someone can live there while not having roads available to drive places on?
The recording starts with Wilmer, who is unhappy, talking to Lucile in the living room.
This feels weird; like,,,if Lucile doesn't recognise Wilmer at all, why would she invite him into her home?
// Complete loss forof an ability takes around ~10-15 days maximum.//
'ability' feels like a weird way to say 'sense' here?
I knew North Dakota was hiding SOMETHING.
4 bases housing D-Class personnel located around its perimeter.
As far as this skip goes, normal D-Class personnel just wouldn't cut it. I would put in either a Mobile Task Force, or D-Class that score a certain score or higher on the Foundation Loyalty Test. The score in question wouldn't end up being all that high, but there needs to be greater security than just D-Class personnel surrounding the area.
currently unknown means.
The overuse of "currently" shows up in many places throughout the description. It would be more concise to only use the word when absolutely necessary.
It is currently unknown
Another instance of "currently" where it is not needed.
however, it should be noted that its effects worsen overtime.
Instead of "should be noted," try "is notable that"
the reason for this is due to
Remove "due to."
The following documents below are related to Incident-XXXX.F, which all include a family (namely, the Hargrove's) affected by SCP-XXXX's anomalous properties.
This sentence is a little clunky. Try rephrasing to something more along the lines of "The following documents detail Incident-XXXX.F," and making the details of Incident-XXXX.F only available to Level 4 or higher clearance (though the latter is not as important). "Incident-XXXX.F is the effects SCP-XXXX had on the Hargrove family.
Sorry we haven't been able to respond Wilmer!
I feel like a comma in between "respond" and "Wilmer" would be nice, but as this is part of a written correspondence it does not have to be so.
Your Dad and I also got a new home! It's in the Northern Great Plains, North Dakota.
Wouldn't the construction workers also have SCP-XXXX related amnesia? More of a question than an answer, I'm afraid, but the Foundation might also notice an abnormal spike in amnesia-related conditions in the area.
Hm, why is the screen black? (tap tap)
This may just be me, but I don't know if this relates to the article or is a reference to 2010 phones- if it is a reference to the article, expand on it!
The following transcript is a recording of Wilmer and his contact with his family after the effects of SCP-XXXX
There should be a period at the end of this sentence.
While it would be a novote from me as is, this article shows promise. I believe it would benefit greatly from development of the Hargrove family, as they seem to be generic people as is. There does seem to be a few jumping-off points, though, as Wilmur seems to enjoy photography and can be portrayed as quite sentimental, Almone seems to love fishing and friendly competition and Lucile seems to be supportive of her family's interests. (Of course, all before the affects of SCP-XXXX.) Don't be afraid to write a little bit of personality into these people! Maybe think of how a log would be with some of the bigger personalities in your life. I think a little handshake between Wilmur and one his parents would be cute, or little doodles scribbled on a note. Small things like that would help a character's personality truly shine.
Another problem I have with this article is the pacing. To me, it is a little slow and then all of a sudden it jerks over to the mother forgetting her own son. While this moment could be a great piece of writing, it is hindered by the previous pacing, lack of adequate foreshadowing (though this is not REALLY needed) and lack of emotional connection to the characters. (On the foreshadowing note, maybe in a correspondence after October 10th Lucile could drop a hint that she's forgotten something, but nothing too overpowering. Maybe a misspelling of "Wilmur" as "Wilbur.") Instead of dry conversation between characters, I would either have character development or development of the situation. I have mentioned earlier that the construction workers on the house would have more than likely been affected by SCP-XXXX, after all.
As a few parting words, I like the core concept. It's saddening to see people forget their loved ones, and it happens many times in our own world. There is so much potential in this article- I would definitely love to see it fulfilled. :)
A special thanks to Tyumen and AdsidTFD in the irc for helping me with formatting!
Hey, here’s my promised critique of To Lose What Was Once Yours.
Photo Taken Within SCP-XXXX (Section of Northern Great Plains, North Dakota)
It’s obvious that it’s a photo, so I would cut for brevity. Instead, I would rephrase so the caption describes what’s in the picture: “A section of SCP-xxxx located within the Northern Great Plains, North Dakota.” Circling back, why not use a photo of the actual family home?
Footnote 1: Incident involving a family that once inhabited SCP-XXXX.
Likewise for footnotes, the additional information this tells us is minimal. Could you elaborate on the incident in the footnote? Maybe provide factual info like date and place to set the context?
a boundary fence has been placed
What kind of fence? How tall? Electrified? This will give us clues about what kind / how dangerous the SCP is.
one Level (4)
Why is the “4” in brackets? And why specifically one member? I would just say “Level 4 personnel”
access to SCP-XXXX is prohibited
You’ve already mentioned this, so I would cut either the first / second time.
Any individuals sighted within SCP-XXXX are to be immediately evacuated and evaluated by Dr. Poliester for sustained memory loss.
The words “evacuated” and “evaluated” are too close in proximity. It might prove confusing to the reader. I would rephrase “evacuated” to “detained” anyways.
In the event of Dr. Poliester's absence, a senior researcher under the mentoring of Dr. Poliester is to take over the evaluation process.
Do you mean “mentorship” instead of “mentoring”? Also, is this line necessary? Not sure as I have not read further yet.
measuring at approximately 100,000 square meters
When describing a large enough area (Especially if you’re using a map), shouldn’t you convert to square kilometers?
Any individuals that have suffered a complete loss of any abilities
It’s not clear here what abilities you’re referring to. You could list examples like motor skill memory or memories of loved ones.
Currently, there are no known instances of SCP-XXXX's anomalous properties affecting non-human organisms.
You’re using the term “anomalous properties” a lot. I would cut the previous two instances because it’s already understood. Rephrased for brevity: “Currently, non-human organisms appear to be unaffected.”
It is unknown whether SCP-XXXX's anomalous properties are capable of affecting other areas; however, is notable that its effects worsen overtime.
Well, the fact that there is a boundary means that other areas are NOT affected, right? So I would cut the first line. Also, how does the Foundation know that effects worsen overtime? You could hint at these effects. Lastly, do you mean they worsen while inside SCP-xxxx or regardless of location?
SCP-XXXX was brought to the Foundation's attention after three civilians were exposed to its anomalous properties. Currently, the origins regarding SCP-XXXX are unknown. It is hypothesized by Dr. Poliester that the reason for this is SCP-XXXX's anomalous properties and remote location.
There’s a lot of repeated information here. The only thing that’s really new is that the location is remote. Also, the logic progression here doesn’t flow. The origins of SCP-xxxx are unknown because of SCP-xxxx anomalous properties and remote location?
The following documents detail Incident-XXXX.F, which all include a family (namely, the Hargrove's) affected by SCP-XXXX's anomalous properties.
You don’t “include a family” inside an incident. Also, the name of the family could be inserted into the earlier footnote for clarity.
Due to the recent events of Incident-XXXX.F
How recent? You could include the date in the footnote to clear this up.
further studies have shown results of SCP-XXXX affecting other areas of localized memory loss.
This is a little clunky. Rephrased for clarity: “further research has shown that SCP-xxxx affects areas of the brain linked to memory.”
[■] Pre-Incident-XXXX.F: Video Transcript Before Memory Loss
Note: The following is a compilation of video transcripts before the initial Incident-XXXX.F.
“of…?” I would continue providing more context. If not, the note tells us the same thing as the title of the drop-down.
Almone Hargrove proceeds to tap the camera screen and press random buttons.
Give the reader some physical description. How old? What gender? The name “Almone” doesn’t really scream male or female.
The screen keeps flickering, as Almone turns back and faces his son, Wilmer.
Same for Wilmer. How old?
Almone: (tch) Ah, whatever.
“tch” is the same as “Ah”. Both are speech markers, and realistically, Almone would not be saying them one after another.
Lucile: Alright you guys, let's just get this photo going.
Wait, so Almone was behind the camera? It’s not really clear from the beginning of your description. If the footage is from the camera, why does your description say that it shows him tapping the screen and pressing random buttons?
Good luck out there, Wilmer.
Sorry, wouldn’t Almone call him “son” or something more affectionate?
He is within an airport station
Change “within” to “in”. Actually what is an “airport station”? Do you mean “at the airport gate”?
get it going
“get going”
We wish you luck.
A little formal. “Good luck, son.”
I know, I'll send you letters.
Change the comma to a period.
Wilmer… We'll miss you.
A lot dialogue is repeating itself. Maybe what you can do is phrase these differently.
[■] Pre-Incident-XXXX.F: Transcript of Hargrove's Letters
Honestly, is there a need for this section? There’s not a lot of new and relevant information you’re giving the reader, besides the fact that the mom and dad moved to SCP-xxxx. You could easily include this detail in the last addendum.
Also, give us some context of who Lucile is in the “Note” section.
and Wilmer Hargrove testing to see if his phone is recording.
The next line already tells us this. You can cut this description.
so I had to ask the locals on where the house was.
Sentence structure: “I had to ask the locals where the house was.”
in her late 50's
50s.
It took such a long time to get here. Since you forgot to pick me up from the train station and all.
This sounds like he’s guilt-tripping his mom. If that was your intention, sure. I thought he would be more teasing.
[■] Incident-XXXX.F: Transcript of Wilmer's Contact With The Hargrove's
Why are the two transcripts broken in half?
You aren't the kind of person that would lie.
I don’t think it’s a “lie”. More like playing a prank.
Sorry, I don't recognize you.
I would think Lucile would start getting a little agitated, no?
Wilmer's expression visibly sank.
“sank” -> “sinks”
Almone didn't say a single word
Keep your tenses consistent. You’ve been using present tense for a while now.
Lucile: I don't know what's happening here, but that man cannot speak.
Ah? I don’t understand this line. She’s referring to Almone? Why can’t he speak? You might want to hint at it here.
Wilmer breaks down.
Unless the effect of SCP-xxxx has something to do with this, I would expect his parents’ reactions to be stronger throughout this section.
Following the events prior to Incident-XXXX.F
Sorry this is confusing. Which events are you referring to? Which events are we looking at now?
Wilmer has stated that the Hargrove family had moved in SCP-XXXX's vicinity on the 15th of October, 2010. Complete loss of an ability takes around ~10-15 days maximum.
Wait, it’s vicinity means next to SCP-xxxx, not within it. And again, loss of what ability? Speech? And another thing: if Wilmer visited his parents, how could he remember this fact?
and can no longer retain information related to them, new or old.
Your footnotes already give us this information. I would cut. Also, why is she able to remember her husband then?
Almone Hargrove has developed a complete loss of muscle memory: such as reading, writing or talking (e.g. illiteracy and muteness).
Wouldn’t he still be able to communicate via hand or body gestures with his son?
[■] Incident-XXXX.F: Transcript of Wilmer's Final Interview
Well, I believe this is related to my problem… Am I correct?
Why is “my” in italics? Is there a need for Wilmer to emphasise it here?
Did this effect get worse overtime?
“Did this effect worsen overtime?” Also, unless this question is rhetorical, shouldn’t the Foundation be able to tell? How does a person remember how much he can remember if he’s suffering from acute memory loss?
I don't feel happy. Hell, I can't even become sentimental about my family situation.
Honestly, this sounds more like depression. If he’s forgetting what it feels like to be happy, how does he remember what being sentimental would feel like?
[■] Incident-XXXX.F: Transcript of Wilmer's Departure
Well, firstly, I don’t think the Foundation would have let Wilmer go, especially if they know that SCP-xxxx is already affecting him.
Life moves on, but the heart doesn't forget.
This sounds like the kind of line you’d want to repeat earlier in the scip, so that it has more emotional impact at the end as well.
all involved individuals have been administered amnestics
Ah?? But why? Didn’t they already lose their memories? Unless you meant Wilmer himself?
Further investigation regarding SCP-XXXX is required, as amnesia-related conditions in the surrounding areas of SCP-XXXX have spiked.
I like how this ends, with some heightened danger and questions of whether this can be contained. That being said, I don’t see how this anomaly is classified as “Safe” then. If the Foundation has not contained it, and more importantly, does not currently understand how to do so, then it should be classified as “Keter”.
(+) As others have mentioned, the concept of memory loss and family is always relatable and has a strong basis for emotional resonance. You’ve rightly centered the narrative around a young man who’s frustrated by the fact his parents have forgotten him, and that’s an entirely relatable fear in many of us.
(+/-) You’ve put in a lot of effort into fleshing out the entire story from beginning, middle and end, but I’m not sure this fits the structure of an SCP very well. Quite a few of the addendums can be condensed or taken out entirely, imo. I get that you’re trying to make the reader empathise and connect with the characters, but they go on far too long without offering new information. Addendums 1 & 2 can be combined. And so can 3 & 4, and 5 & 6.
(-) There are some plot holes in the narrative I think you need to iron out, especially dealing with a concept as complex as memory loss. If Wilmer was affected, how can he still remember so much? How come SCP-xxxx affects different individuals differently? How did SCP-xxxx come about? Why did it only affect an area so small? Why are only some portions of your map coloured green haha?
Thanks for letting me read this. If you decide to revise your draft again, let me know. I can take another run at it.
Cheers!
Summoned via IRC for Round 2 - will crit soon-ish
So I should preface this by saying that I like the direction this is going in a lot better than before. That being said, there are still a lot of hiccups in the storytelling.
The recordings are still awkward to read. This isn't an issue inherently to do with your writing style or the content, more so a by-product of the format. I think I've stated this previously (in our many IRC logs), but I just really don't think the recordings work out. They turn what is supposed to be an emotional story into a soap opera, which doesn't go well with the SCP format.
Now, I will say I liked the character of Wilmer a lot more this time. He acts a lot more like I'd imagine one to act in this kind of situation - a poor, confused little sod. The first interview log is, as I said, a step in the right direction, and unfortunately not much else. The second interview log with Wilmer has the exact core problem that I had with it initially, which is that it's just plain unnecessary. Like, why does Wilmer suddenly not feel anything anymore? That, on top of being unnecessary, sorta diminishes Wilmer's character, if I'm honest. It comes across as overly… edgy? That's nothing to do with your writing style or the format, but the idea of Wilmer coming out and saying he can't feel anything will always come across that way, in my opinion.
I'm also not sure why you cut so much of Lucile's dialogue? Like, I always thought she was the one that was going to carry much of the story alongside Wilmer, considering she was the prime target for the SCP's effects. But now, she's just… there to be there. I wouldn't even really mind an extremely small interview with her, just to affirm to the reader how she feels.
This is gripe I've had since the start is with Almone. He loses his ability to speak and so on, but in my opinion, that isn't really as interesting as him being in Lucile's situation. I don't know, I just feel like you're drifting too far from the original feeling that inspired this idea, which is the thought of your loved ones forgetting you.
The last log is just a culmination of all my gripes. Video format, Wilmer being awkward, Lucile being there just to be there, and so on.
If I really had to be honest, I just feel like you're constantly playing around with the idea without settling in a concrete direction. I've given you plenty of advice on how I'd like the draft to be written, which you're sorta half following, half not. I'll leave you to think on it, since I feel like I've voiced all the concerns I have.
Hope my feedback was of assistance!
