Joke SCP: Consumable that gets quickly out of hand

Summary:

A Literal Sugar Rush (with tons of redactions)

Joke SCP: Consumable that gets quickly out of hand

Craftmine_Pro 17 Mar 2020 17:21

Seeking Greenlights: Yes (and crit)

Page Type: Joke SCP

Genre (Optional): Comedy

Page Layout

Page Layout (Optional): Page layout is as followed
Iteration 1 (ACS Formatting, Special Containment Procedures, Description, Experiment)
Iteration 2 (ACS Formatting, Special Containment Procedures, Description, Experiment)
Iteration 3 (ACS Formatting, Special Containment Procedures, Description, Experiment)
Iteration 4 (ACS Formatting, Special Containment Procedures, Description, Experiment)
Iteration 5 (ACS Formatting, Special Containment Procedures, Description, Experiment)
Iteration 6 (ACS Formatting, Special Containment Procedures, Description, Experiment, minor joke)
Iteration 7 (ACS Formatting, Special Containment Procedures, Description, Experiment, the main joke)

The Elevator Pitch

Elevator Pitch: It's December and an Intern (as a placeholder we're just going with me for now) ordered some candy canes. Upon further inspection, he thinks somethings up with it and tests it out.

As it turns out, these candy canes just make you feel fine¹ give you a literal sugar rush!² Then it over exaggerates the sugar crash after ingesting it, which makes you go straight to sleep³. Once you wake up you have little time⁴ before you literally start breathing fire as the spiciness kicks in all at once⁵! During this incident SCP-457 breaches containment and is intimidated by the sheer display of power of this anomalous firebreathing, and pisses itself (Neutralization successful, Joke SCP reclassified to Thaumiel)⁶.

The amount of content you get depends on how far you've went, as you get to see what chaos unravels as the experiment continues. While all of this is happening, at the end the joke is revealed as the products show no difference to it's real life counterpart in spiciness

Central Narrative: At the start, everything is redacted, you don't know why, so you press on finding out why it was all redacted, and all of a sudden at the end the punchline comes out of nowhere. The curiosity of what's next in all of this will keep the narrative going.

click to show "the funny" (Hook/Attention Grabber and Additional Notes)

Hook/Attention-Grabber: "What keeps on happening, why all the redactions- oh wow that was a punchline at the end"

Additional Notes: Instead of the other idea I had a couple of weeks ago, which i admit was trash, I have gotten advice about how to correctly write a joke SCP better and feel much more confident submitting this for crit/greenlight. Thank you Zyn, the SCP critters chat and some other users.

^{ps: if you're gonna pull the "humor is subjective" card please at least state what you're going for}

if you really want context on some of this stuff I advise reading my rough draft/notepad
Yes I know to write the draft after the idea but I like making a draft as something of a notepad for my idea.

Footnotes

1. Iteration 1

2. Iteration 2

3. Iteration 3

4. Iteration 4

5. Iteration 5

6. Iteration 6

Last edited on 18 Mar 2020 13:42 by Craftmine_Pro Show more

Forum Criticism Team - Mod Post

TheMightyMcB 17 Mar 2020 17:25

Craftmine_Pro, as per the Ideas Forums' new policy:

The combined text of the last four sections of the template may not exceed 400 words.

Your post contains over 560 words. Please edit your post to trim it down to under 400, and then consult the Butterfly Squad Roster or the IRC Chat to solicit further reviews.

Last edited on 18 Mar 2020 17:05 by TheMightyMcB Show more

Re: Joke SCP: Consumable that gets quickly out of hand

ManyMeats 17 Mar 2020 18:09

Your idea and what I peaked at on your sandbox are both about 5x too long. I am not drawn to "press on to learn more" at any point in either your description or in the draft I looked at. Multiple iterations of an article is not an attention grabber in and of itself, which belies your understanding of what a narrative hook truly is.

Please take a step back and distance yourself from all the gimmicry here and take a good, long look at what this SCP is. You're trying very hard to recreate the "it's too spicy" peppermint meme. At the end of the day, this is a dated pop-culture reference. Please make it stand on its own.

I am not sure I see anything salvagable here, which is a shame because you've put in a ton of work.

Re: Joke SCP: Consumable that gets quickly out of hand

Craftmine_Pro 17 Mar 2020 20:22

understood, ill trim it

Re: Joke SCP: Consumable that gets quickly out of hand

Craftmine_Pro 18 Mar 2020 13:44

also i dont understand. that was never a meme¹

PS: everything is trimmed now

Footnotes

1. ive never seen it AS a meme and ive been on a long time (but I'm gonna probably just trust you since you might have seen it)

Re: Joke SCP: Consumable that gets quickly out of hand

ManyMeats 18 Mar 2020 14:14

If you don't feel that was even a meme that makes your choice to do this considerably more baffling.

Re: Joke SCP: Consumable that gets quickly out of hand

Dr Onnoval 18 Mar 2020 14:09

I don’t have that much Joke SCP experience but I can tell that this needs a lot of work to make it even to the drafts forum. Not to be mean or anything just that it doesn’t add up and it’s not that funny in my opinion.

You shouldn’t redact everything at the start because it immediately takes away a lot of the readers interest away. They’re probably thinking somewhat of this: Why is everything redacted? Well thats a shame. Then they read more and lose interest if their opinion is telling them that it’s not funny.